((if you haven't read Part the First, read this chapter first))
"so, hep. has anybody figured it out yet?" burkie asked his special assistant.
"no," s.a. hepzibah told him. "AND DON'T CALL ME HEP!!!"
"looks like your readership of five may have shrunk even fewer, burkie," cardigan smirked.
burkie fixed his disagreeable protagonist with a stare. "without readers, there's no blog. with no blog, there's no cardigan."
"um...perhaps they're on summer vacation," cardigan suggested meekly.
"or busy with summer activities," sierra put in hastily.
"we can figure this out ourselves," marian stated confidently. "let's look at the first clue again!"
Mr. Monotone: oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?
"honey, didn't you say you know something about this?" linda asked her boyfriend, tucker.
the folksinger nodded. "The Monotones had a song in the '50s called The Book of Love. the bird quotes the signature line, but in the original they only said wonder twice. this bird says it, what, seven times?"
marian typed s-e-v-e-n w-o-n-d-e-r-s into her laptop then yelped. "oh! oh! oh! seven wonders! the seven wonders of the ancient world!"
"very good, marian!" sierra told her.
after a short victory dance in her seat and a thank you to tucker for the assist, marian brought forward the next clue:
Winston Churchill: what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?
"taylor," burkie turned toward to clumsy vampire-wannabe. "you're supposed to be british. what does that mean?"
"cor blimey, i don't know," taylor ran his fingers through his hair. "except that an englishman would call it a torch, not a flashlight."
"that's true," cardigan looked impressed. "that might be it, taylor. what's the next clue, marian?"
Hannah Graham: sure, i know that song. old bar hit.
"i've never heard of Hannah Graham. who is she?" s.a. hepzibah asked.
sierra snapped her fingers. "anagram! Hannah Graham sounds like anagram! we need to figure out an anagram for 'old bar hit."
"bridal hot!"
"broad hilt!"
"loath bird!"
"bart hold i!"
marian typed in all the possibilities. "okay, next!"
Bertrand Russell: this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!
"the first part of that is an actual bertrand russell quote," foxy noted. "the original runs thus: This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities."
"so what's all that about the village of great neck?" taylor wondered.
"easy," said cardigan. "the bird used the word zip. marian, what's the zip code for the village of great neck?"
marian ran a query on her laptop. "11023."
"but notice how the bird emphasizes the word patently," mr. franklin pointed out. "do you think that's important?"
"maybe 11023 is a patent number," danny suggested.
"you're doing well, guys," burkie nodded. "i'm proud of ya! what's next, marian?"
Robert Downey, Jr.: i know what dude i am. i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.
"that's from the movie Tropic Thunder," taylor reminded them. "ducky, what was the name of downy's character in that movie?"
"kirk lazarus," marian typed it in. "okay, last one!"
Joan Dunn: it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it.
"no man can handle it," judge st. bishop mused. "no man...no man...no man is an island. isn't that a john donne quote? it has a metaphysical feel to it."
"and john donne sounds like joan dunn," hepzibah pointed out. "so...a woman is an island?"
"spell it all out for us, marian" burkie ordered.
"yes, sir!"
Seven Wonders
Torch
Bart Hold I
Patent 11023
Lazarus
Island
they all looked at each other and groaned. "of course! how stupid are we!"
"here it is," marian pulled the poem up on her laptop. "let's all read it together now, quickly!"
they all read the poem out loud together. as soon as they were done, the Mysterious Lurker popped in.
"about time!" she muttered. "but thank you! it really is a poor poem, you know. am i allowed to say that?"
"you are uniquely qualified to say that," danny assured her as her gave her a quick hug. "come on, i'll fix you some tea."
"great job, everyone! high five!" burkie put his hand out toward marian and pulled it away just as she extended hers.
"psych!"
words cannot described the face that marian made at this gesture.
Showing posts with label hepzibah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hepzibah. Show all posts
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Bird Is The Word, Part The First
gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung his fedora on a peg, and said hello to his buddy danny blake behind the bar.
"hello yourself," danny replied as he poured a beer and handed it to cardigan. "i'm serving totchos tonight. interested?"
"if you're making 'em, i'm eating 'em, but what the hell are totchos?"
"nachos made with tater tots instead of tortilla chips," danny explained with a grin.
"pure genius," cardigan raised his glass in praise. "bring 'em on!"
cardigan took his beer back to his customary table to join his friends and stopped short. "um, whose bird?"
the bird, which appeared to be a brightly colored parrot, looked at cardigan and squawked, "oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?"
cardigan looked at the others, raising an eyebrow.
"it just appeared here," taylor young explained with a shrug. "a tag on the cage said 'Mr. Monotone.'"
"he stutters. who ever heard of a stuttering parrot?"
"i have," came an authoritative voice behind them. cardigan groaned as their handsome creator approached.
"burkie, is this your parrot?" sierra charles asked.
"i'm afraid not," burkie shook his head. "i think he was sent by my arch nemesis."
"you have an arch nemesis?" danny sounded dubious as he delivered cardigan's totchos. "why?"
"yes, his name is archibald knemesis," burkie told them as he plucked a tater tot off of the plate.
"of course it is," cardigan muttered as he moved his plate out of burkie's reach, only to have sierra snag another tot.
"he sent me an email saying that he has trapped the Lurker," burkie told them.
"what?!" marian exclaimed. "where? we have to rescue her!"
"don't worry," burkie said calmly. "like all arch nemesises...nemeses..nemesii...villains, knemesis goes to complicated extremes to show off how clever he is, which will always be his downfall. now, he explained that the only way to release the Lurker is for all of us to read where she's trapped at the same time."
"but where's she trapped?" danny sounded worried, despite burkie's confidence.
"knemesis said it might be a book, a play, a poem, or a song, but six blasts from my past would lead us to her." burkie pointed at the parrot. "and there is the first blast."
"a stuttering parrot?"
burkie nodded. "knemesis must know that one of my favorite books ever is The Mystery of the Stuttering Parrot, book 2 in The Three Investigators series. if i'm right, there will be more parrots."
as if on cue, judge st. bishop walked in carrying a bird cage with a grey bird inside. "hey, what's going on here? i was sent this bird and told to come here."
"does he say anything?" danny asked.
the bird himself replied. "what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?"
"what the hell is that supposed to mean?" cardigan wondered.
the judge shrugged. "beats me. the tag on the cage says Winston Churchill."
tucker and linda nulo walked in next, carrying another cage.
"does that bird say anything?" sierra asked before they could say anything.
they nodded and the bird spoke: "sure, i know that song. old bar hit."
marian was typing the words into her laptop. "what's the bird's name?"
"Hannah Graham," linda told her. "what's this all about?"
"Mysterious Lurker has been kidnapped...er, lurknapped," taylor tried to explain.
"that's three birds," cardigan noted and looked toward the door. "foxy!"
sierra's sister walked in with another cage. "hey, guys. somebody delivered this bird--"
"we know," sierra told her. "burkie's arch nemesis had the Lurker trapped and the birds have clues to help us rescue her. what does your bird say?"
"this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!" the bird told them.
"weird," cardigan murmured. "but at least it mentioned a place; that gives us something to work on. what's the bird's name, foxy?"
"Bertrand Russell."
"that's the second brit, counting Winston Churchill," sierra pointed out. "i wonder if that means anything?"
"i don't know," marian shook her head. "i've never heard of a Hannah Graham or Mr. Monotone before."
"Mr. Monotone is a reference to--" tucker started to explain but was interrupted by the entrance of founding father benjamin franklin, carrying a cage with a black mynah bird inside.
"the most extraordinary thing has happened!" mr. franklin told them. "i was given this bird and a note to come here. just listen to him talk!"
"i know what dude i am. i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude," the bird exclaimed.
"i've heard that before!" taylor said excitedly. "roberty downy, jr. said that in that movie where he was playing an australian actor who was playing a black man in a movie."
cardigan looked pained. "as if this thing wasn't confusing enough as it is."
mr. franklin nodded. "that's the name on the cage--Robert Downey, Jr."
"that leaves only one bird," marian observed. "i wonder who has it?"
they all looked toward the door and, sure enough, somebody walked in carrying a bird cage. it was special assistant hepzibah, burkie's special assistant.
"hepzibah, thank goodness you're here," burkie told her. "what's your bird's name and what does he say?"
"it's not a he, it's a she of the species," hepzibah explained. "her name is Joan Dunn."
the bird shook her wings and said, "it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it."
sierra snorted. "that doesn't narrow it down much at all."
marian snickered. "you snorted!"
sierra glared at burkie. "i don't snort, burkie! change that, now!"
burkie glowered. "we don't have time for that, sierra. we have to find the Lurker. marian, list all the clues again for us."
Mr. Monotone: oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?
Winston Churchill: what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?
Hannah Graham: sure, i know that song. old bar hit.
Bertrand Russell: this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!
Robert Downey, Jr.: i know what dude i am. i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.
Joan Dunn: it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it.
"right. now, these clues are supposed to tell us where the Lurker is stuck. any ideas? anybody?" burkie looked around but nobody had anything to offer.
"okay, let's ask for help," burkie decided. "dear readers, if you know where the Lurker is trapped, please email me at burkie47 -at- gmail -dot- com. if you can tell me what each clue means and the book or song or play or poem in which the Lurker is trapped, you'll win something. okay? thanks for your help, and happy solving! oh, and don't leave any spoilers in the comments!"
"hello yourself," danny replied as he poured a beer and handed it to cardigan. "i'm serving totchos tonight. interested?"
"if you're making 'em, i'm eating 'em, but what the hell are totchos?"
"nachos made with tater tots instead of tortilla chips," danny explained with a grin.
"pure genius," cardigan raised his glass in praise. "bring 'em on!"
cardigan took his beer back to his customary table to join his friends and stopped short. "um, whose bird?"
the bird, which appeared to be a brightly colored parrot, looked at cardigan and squawked, "oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?"
cardigan looked at the others, raising an eyebrow.
"it just appeared here," taylor young explained with a shrug. "a tag on the cage said 'Mr. Monotone.'"
"he stutters. who ever heard of a stuttering parrot?"
"i have," came an authoritative voice behind them. cardigan groaned as their handsome creator approached.
"burkie, is this your parrot?" sierra charles asked.
"i'm afraid not," burkie shook his head. "i think he was sent by my arch nemesis."
"you have an arch nemesis?" danny sounded dubious as he delivered cardigan's totchos. "why?"
"yes, his name is archibald knemesis," burkie told them as he plucked a tater tot off of the plate.
"of course it is," cardigan muttered as he moved his plate out of burkie's reach, only to have sierra snag another tot.
"he sent me an email saying that he has trapped the Lurker," burkie told them.
"what?!" marian exclaimed. "where? we have to rescue her!"
"don't worry," burkie said calmly. "like all arch nemesises...nemeses..nemesii...villains, knemesis goes to complicated extremes to show off how clever he is, which will always be his downfall. now, he explained that the only way to release the Lurker is for all of us to read where she's trapped at the same time."
"but where's she trapped?" danny sounded worried, despite burkie's confidence.
"knemesis said it might be a book, a play, a poem, or a song, but six blasts from my past would lead us to her." burkie pointed at the parrot. "and there is the first blast."
"a stuttering parrot?"
burkie nodded. "knemesis must know that one of my favorite books ever is The Mystery of the Stuttering Parrot, book 2 in The Three Investigators series. if i'm right, there will be more parrots."
as if on cue, judge st. bishop walked in carrying a bird cage with a grey bird inside. "hey, what's going on here? i was sent this bird and told to come here."
"does he say anything?" danny asked.
the bird himself replied. "what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?"
"what the hell is that supposed to mean?" cardigan wondered.
the judge shrugged. "beats me. the tag on the cage says Winston Churchill."
tucker and linda nulo walked in next, carrying another cage.
"does that bird say anything?" sierra asked before they could say anything.
they nodded and the bird spoke: "sure, i know that song. old bar hit."
marian was typing the words into her laptop. "what's the bird's name?"
"Hannah Graham," linda told her. "what's this all about?"
"Mysterious Lurker has been kidnapped...er, lurknapped," taylor tried to explain.
"that's three birds," cardigan noted and looked toward the door. "foxy!"
sierra's sister walked in with another cage. "hey, guys. somebody delivered this bird--"
"we know," sierra told her. "burkie's arch nemesis had the Lurker trapped and the birds have clues to help us rescue her. what does your bird say?"
"this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!" the bird told them.
"weird," cardigan murmured. "but at least it mentioned a place; that gives us something to work on. what's the bird's name, foxy?"
"Bertrand Russell."
"that's the second brit, counting Winston Churchill," sierra pointed out. "i wonder if that means anything?"
"i don't know," marian shook her head. "i've never heard of a Hannah Graham or Mr. Monotone before."
"Mr. Monotone is a reference to--" tucker started to explain but was interrupted by the entrance of founding father benjamin franklin, carrying a cage with a black mynah bird inside.
"the most extraordinary thing has happened!" mr. franklin told them. "i was given this bird and a note to come here. just listen to him talk!"
"i know what dude i am. i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude," the bird exclaimed.
"i've heard that before!" taylor said excitedly. "roberty downy, jr. said that in that movie where he was playing an australian actor who was playing a black man in a movie."
cardigan looked pained. "as if this thing wasn't confusing enough as it is."
mr. franklin nodded. "that's the name on the cage--Robert Downey, Jr."
"that leaves only one bird," marian observed. "i wonder who has it?"
they all looked toward the door and, sure enough, somebody walked in carrying a bird cage. it was special assistant hepzibah, burkie's special assistant.
"hepzibah, thank goodness you're here," burkie told her. "what's your bird's name and what does he say?"
"it's not a he, it's a she of the species," hepzibah explained. "her name is Joan Dunn."
the bird shook her wings and said, "it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it."
sierra snorted. "that doesn't narrow it down much at all."
marian snickered. "you snorted!"
sierra glared at burkie. "i don't snort, burkie! change that, now!"
burkie glowered. "we don't have time for that, sierra. we have to find the Lurker. marian, list all the clues again for us."
Mr. Monotone: oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?
Winston Churchill: what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?
Hannah Graham: sure, i know that song. old bar hit.
Bertrand Russell: this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!
Robert Downey, Jr.: i know what dude i am. i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.
Joan Dunn: it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it.
"right. now, these clues are supposed to tell us where the Lurker is stuck. any ideas? anybody?" burkie looked around but nobody had anything to offer.
"okay, let's ask for help," burkie decided. "dear readers, if you know where the Lurker is trapped, please email me at burkie47 -at- gmail -dot- com. if you can tell me what each clue means and the book or song or play or poem in which the Lurker is trapped, you'll win something. okay? thanks for your help, and happy solving! oh, and don't leave any spoilers in the comments!"
Saturday, January 1, 2011
You Say You Want A Resolution
"happy new year, danny boy!" gavin called out as he entered the Pub.
"back atcha, big guy!" danny blake replied as he poured a beer. "since it's new year's day, i'm serving black-eyed pea and chorizo soup with cornbread. sound good?"
"sounds great!" gavin took a sip from his pint then walked over to join his friends.
"happy new year, cardigan!" sierra charles greeted him.
"happy new year, everyone."
"so, how was your mystery date?" marian elfman asked gLeefully, referring to gavin's having volunteered to be auctioned off for a date at sierra's charity auction.
cardigan glared at sierra, then turned to glare at the witches across the Pub, who giggled and waved.
"i'm never doing that again. i had to pay for four meals!"
Mysterious Lurker guffawed. so help me, she guffawed. "guffaw! the witches bid on you?"
cardigan shuddered and took a large gulp of his beer. "they won. seems they have their own ideas of whom i should date and didn't want to take a chance that i'd meet somebody else."
marian hahaha'd. "hahaha! where did you eat?"
"verona."
"really? how's stoney?" danny asked about verona's 3-nostriled chef stoney karr as he delivered cardigan's soup.
"he's good. he says hello to everyone, especially you, charles," he grinned at sierra, happy to deflect attention away from himself.
"i'm glad he's doing well," sierra stated as she pinched off a corner of cardigan's cornbread.
"this soup is terrific, danny," cardigan told him as he moved the cornbread out of sierra's reach.
"burkie claims that eating black-eyed peas on new year's day brings good luck," foxy said as she walked up.
cardigan grinned, ignoring a woo-hoo from one of the witches. "looks like it's working! happy new year, foxy!"
"i didn't know you would be here today," sierra told her sister.
"that was my idea," burkie stated as he walked in, accompanied by special assistant hepzibah. "others are on their way."
"what's the occasion?" marian asked their handsome creator excitedly as juliet, judge st. bishop, boom-boom shakalaka, and benjamin franklin filed in.
"it's new year's day," burkie explained. "i wanted to see all of you again, and hear your resolutions for 2011."
"yay!" marian clapped. "i resolve to learn how to quilt!"
"really?" taylor looked at her. "why?"
"i think it'd be nice to make a nice burnt orange & white quilt for burkie! wait...why did i say that? that's not what i meant to say!" marian made an outrageous face of, er, outrage.
"why thank you, marian. that's very sweet of you," burkie smiled. "how about you, sierra?"
"i resolve to go on more blind dates," she replied immediately, then gasped. "i didn't say that! dammit, burkie, i didn't say that!"
"i resolve to make asian dumplings," danny stated.
burkie nodded his approval. "how about you, linda?"
"me?" the Pub's least developed character was surprised but eager. "i resolve to acquire a mysterious past, break my leg in a comical incident, break up with Tucker because of a dramatic misunderstanding, then make up with him again when we accidentally bump into each other in cuba, and take trapeze lessons, and learn chinese, and beat martina hingis in tennis, and--"
"i suggest you break your leg after beating martina in tennis," tucker, er, suggested. "as for me, i resolve to write a song about benjamin franklin."
"why, thank you, minstrel! that's uncommonly kind of you," the founding father beamed. "as for myself, i resolve to follow-up my invention of a time machine by inventing a vessel for keeping hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold."
"you invented a time machine?" the judge looked at him suspiciously.
"hem...haw..." mr. franklin hemmed and hawed.
burkie shot mr. franklin a warning look and asked the judge, "what is your resolution, your honor?"
"i resolve to impose longer jail sentences for plagiarists."
"um...yeah, right," burkie moved on quickly. "foxy?"
"i resolve to get our book on american culture published," foxy told him.
"excellent! juliet?"
"i resolve to launch a new shoe company that specializes in high-heeled shoes for men's feet," the crossdresser replied. "my feet are killing me!"
"i resolve to work out more," boom-boom stated, pulling her SFPD sweatshirt up enough to expose her abs. "i need more definition."
"how about you, hep?" burkie asked his special assistant. "hep? HEP?"
s.a. hepzibah blinked, then forced herself to turn away from boom-boom and answer, "i...i resolve to...to...learn to play piano. and don't call me hep!!!"
"i resolve to work on my accent," taylor noted in a not-quite-clipped british accent.
"how about you, linda?" burkie asked.
"you already asked me!" she exclaimed. "and i already answered!"
"oh, yeah. sorry, i forgot," burkie turned to shakespeare, who walked forward to collect the empty plates and glasses. "shakespeare?"
"the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought," sayethed the bard as he cleared the table.
"er, right. cardigan?"
"i resolve to drink more," cardigan, er, resolved, signaling danny for another pint.
"back atcha, big guy!" danny blake replied as he poured a beer. "since it's new year's day, i'm serving black-eyed pea and chorizo soup with cornbread. sound good?"
"sounds great!" gavin took a sip from his pint then walked over to join his friends.
"happy new year, cardigan!" sierra charles greeted him.
"happy new year, everyone."
"so, how was your mystery date?" marian elfman asked gLeefully, referring to gavin's having volunteered to be auctioned off for a date at sierra's charity auction.
cardigan glared at sierra, then turned to glare at the witches across the Pub, who giggled and waved.
"i'm never doing that again. i had to pay for four meals!"
Mysterious Lurker guffawed. so help me, she guffawed. "guffaw! the witches bid on you?"
cardigan shuddered and took a large gulp of his beer. "they won. seems they have their own ideas of whom i should date and didn't want to take a chance that i'd meet somebody else."
marian hahaha'd. "hahaha! where did you eat?"
"verona."
"really? how's stoney?" danny asked about verona's 3-nostriled chef stoney karr as he delivered cardigan's soup.
"he's good. he says hello to everyone, especially you, charles," he grinned at sierra, happy to deflect attention away from himself.
"i'm glad he's doing well," sierra stated as she pinched off a corner of cardigan's cornbread.
"this soup is terrific, danny," cardigan told him as he moved the cornbread out of sierra's reach.
"burkie claims that eating black-eyed peas on new year's day brings good luck," foxy said as she walked up.
cardigan grinned, ignoring a woo-hoo from one of the witches. "looks like it's working! happy new year, foxy!"
"i didn't know you would be here today," sierra told her sister.
"that was my idea," burkie stated as he walked in, accompanied by special assistant hepzibah. "others are on their way."
"what's the occasion?" marian asked their handsome creator excitedly as juliet, judge st. bishop, boom-boom shakalaka, and benjamin franklin filed in.
"it's new year's day," burkie explained. "i wanted to see all of you again, and hear your resolutions for 2011."
"yay!" marian clapped. "i resolve to learn how to quilt!"
"really?" taylor looked at her. "why?"
"i think it'd be nice to make a nice burnt orange & white quilt for burkie! wait...why did i say that? that's not what i meant to say!" marian made an outrageous face of, er, outrage.
"why thank you, marian. that's very sweet of you," burkie smiled. "how about you, sierra?"
"i resolve to go on more blind dates," she replied immediately, then gasped. "i didn't say that! dammit, burkie, i didn't say that!"
"i resolve to make asian dumplings," danny stated.
burkie nodded his approval. "how about you, linda?"
"me?" the Pub's least developed character was surprised but eager. "i resolve to acquire a mysterious past, break my leg in a comical incident, break up with Tucker because of a dramatic misunderstanding, then make up with him again when we accidentally bump into each other in cuba, and take trapeze lessons, and learn chinese, and beat martina hingis in tennis, and--"
"i suggest you break your leg after beating martina in tennis," tucker, er, suggested. "as for me, i resolve to write a song about benjamin franklin."
"why, thank you, minstrel! that's uncommonly kind of you," the founding father beamed. "as for myself, i resolve to follow-up my invention of a time machine by inventing a vessel for keeping hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold."
"you invented a time machine?" the judge looked at him suspiciously.
"hem...haw..." mr. franklin hemmed and hawed.
burkie shot mr. franklin a warning look and asked the judge, "what is your resolution, your honor?"
"i resolve to impose longer jail sentences for plagiarists."
"um...yeah, right," burkie moved on quickly. "foxy?"
"i resolve to get our book on american culture published," foxy told him.
"excellent! juliet?"
"i resolve to launch a new shoe company that specializes in high-heeled shoes for men's feet," the crossdresser replied. "my feet are killing me!"
"i resolve to work out more," boom-boom stated, pulling her SFPD sweatshirt up enough to expose her abs. "i need more definition."
"how about you, hep?" burkie asked his special assistant. "hep? HEP?"
s.a. hepzibah blinked, then forced herself to turn away from boom-boom and answer, "i...i resolve to...to...learn to play piano. and don't call me hep!!!"
"i resolve to work on my accent," taylor noted in a not-quite-clipped british accent.
"how about you, linda?" burkie asked.
"you already asked me!" she exclaimed. "and i already answered!"
"oh, yeah. sorry, i forgot," burkie turned to shakespeare, who walked forward to collect the empty plates and glasses. "shakespeare?"
"the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought," sayethed the bard as he cleared the table.
"er, right. cardigan?"
"i resolve to drink more," cardigan, er, resolved, signaling danny for another pint.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Boom-Boom
((the following chapter was written by boom-boom shakalaka as her prize for winning the Pub's fantasy football league this year))
san francisco police department sergeant tarboom shakalaka (boom-boom to her friends and adversaries; with affection by the former, with dread by the latter) walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung up her jacket, then lumbered over to the bar. "pad thai and a beer, danny."
danny blake saluted. "you got it, boom-boom."
"thanks." she grabbed her pint, took a gulp, then walked over to join the others. "good game, linda."
linda nulo grumbled, but shook her hand. "good game, boom-boom."
boom-boom grinned. "you did all right, for a former 3-time world champion barrel racer."
"but i'm not a..." linda's face brightened. "check it out, everyone! i have a past! i'm a fully developed character!"
linda started dancing exuberantly around the room in what can only be described as Kowgirl Krump.
"Kowgirl Krump?" burkie looked over at boom-boom. "don't get too creative, boom-boom. you only get to write one chapter."
she merely sneered contemptuously at him and rolled her shoulder in an aching manner. "i had to run down and tackle a drug dealer today. can i borrow special assistant hepzibah to give me a massage?"
"now see here, boom-boom! she's not that kind of assist--"
"it's okay," s.a. hepzibah said, a little breathlessly, as she scampered over behind boom-boom. "i don't mind."
"ungh, right there. ungh, that's good. ungh." boom-boom closed her eyes as hepzibah's thumbs worked out the knots in her neck and shoulders.
"um...so, boom-boom?" gavin cardigan broke into her reverie. "is this all you're going to write about? some pad thai, a beer, and a shoulder rub?"
"nope," she relied, chugging the the last of her pint as danny walked over to drop off her pad thai. "i'm going to have two beers. thanks, danny."
"that's it?!"
she chewed a shrimp with gusto and swallowed. "listen, wannabe. i'm a real cop. i work long hours with low pay and even less appreciation. most of my colleagues survive on bad food and cheap whiskey. simple pleasures are plenty for me."
"but simple pleasures aren't exciting," marian elfman pointed out. "you have a responsibility to be entertaining!"
"no, i don't. i have a responsibility to unwind. trust me, you don't want to be around a stressed-out cop."
"that's true, honey--hey, what happened to my british accent?!" taylor young looked at boom-boom, distraught.
"i'm not good with accents," boom-boom explained, rather unapologetically.
"neither is burkie," gavin muttered.
"i heard that!"
"hey, where is the Lurker?" sierra asked.
boom-boom smirked as they heard the front door open and the clop-clop of bad girl boots walking into the Pub, bringing the Mysterious Lurker herself into their presence.
"you used the door?!" linda was shocked. "why didn't you just pop in like usual?"
the Lurker, her hair this evening its almost-forgotten natural brown color, glared at boom-boom. "i don't seem to be able to, for some reason."
boom-boom yawned, rather unapologetically. "i'm too tired to do magic."
"hmph."
"tucker, how 'bout a song?"
tucker strummed and began to sing:
when a person breaks the law
i throw his ass in jail
when someone else breaks the law
i throw his ass in jail, too
if anybody else breaks the law
he'll get the same treatment, yeah!
tucker stopped and looked over at boom-boom in surprise. "uh....is that all?"
boom-boom nodded, rather unapologetically. "songs don't have to be long to get the point across."
a cyborg rattled over to collect the dirty dishes.
"is that...Robocop?" taylor asked. "what happened to shakespeare?"
"i'm too tired to decipher whatever he says. i'm a cop, not a linguist." she drained the last of her second pint, burped, and stood up. "thanks for the massage, hep. i'm hitting the hay. g'nite, all."
after she walked out, burkie went over to take her seat. "hep, would you mind doing my shoulders, too?"
s.a. hepzibah stared daggers at him as she walked over to sit next to gavin. "don't call me hep!"
"hmph."
san francisco police department sergeant tarboom shakalaka (boom-boom to her friends and adversaries; with affection by the former, with dread by the latter) walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung up her jacket, then lumbered over to the bar. "pad thai and a beer, danny."
danny blake saluted. "you got it, boom-boom."
"thanks." she grabbed her pint, took a gulp, then walked over to join the others. "good game, linda."
linda nulo grumbled, but shook her hand. "good game, boom-boom."
boom-boom grinned. "you did all right, for a former 3-time world champion barrel racer."
"but i'm not a..." linda's face brightened. "check it out, everyone! i have a past! i'm a fully developed character!"
linda started dancing exuberantly around the room in what can only be described as Kowgirl Krump.
"Kowgirl Krump?" burkie looked over at boom-boom. "don't get too creative, boom-boom. you only get to write one chapter."
she merely sneered contemptuously at him and rolled her shoulder in an aching manner. "i had to run down and tackle a drug dealer today. can i borrow special assistant hepzibah to give me a massage?"
"now see here, boom-boom! she's not that kind of assist--"
"it's okay," s.a. hepzibah said, a little breathlessly, as she scampered over behind boom-boom. "i don't mind."
"ungh, right there. ungh, that's good. ungh." boom-boom closed her eyes as hepzibah's thumbs worked out the knots in her neck and shoulders.
"um...so, boom-boom?" gavin cardigan broke into her reverie. "is this all you're going to write about? some pad thai, a beer, and a shoulder rub?"
"nope," she relied, chugging the the last of her pint as danny walked over to drop off her pad thai. "i'm going to have two beers. thanks, danny."
"that's it?!"
she chewed a shrimp with gusto and swallowed. "listen, wannabe. i'm a real cop. i work long hours with low pay and even less appreciation. most of my colleagues survive on bad food and cheap whiskey. simple pleasures are plenty for me."
"but simple pleasures aren't exciting," marian elfman pointed out. "you have a responsibility to be entertaining!"
"no, i don't. i have a responsibility to unwind. trust me, you don't want to be around a stressed-out cop."
"that's true, honey--hey, what happened to my british accent?!" taylor young looked at boom-boom, distraught.
"i'm not good with accents," boom-boom explained, rather unapologetically.
"neither is burkie," gavin muttered.
"i heard that!"
"hey, where is the Lurker?" sierra asked.
boom-boom smirked as they heard the front door open and the clop-clop of bad girl boots walking into the Pub, bringing the Mysterious Lurker herself into their presence.
"you used the door?!" linda was shocked. "why didn't you just pop in like usual?"
the Lurker, her hair this evening its almost-forgotten natural brown color, glared at boom-boom. "i don't seem to be able to, for some reason."
boom-boom yawned, rather unapologetically. "i'm too tired to do magic."
"hmph."
"tucker, how 'bout a song?"
tucker strummed and began to sing:
when a person breaks the law
i throw his ass in jail
when someone else breaks the law
i throw his ass in jail, too
if anybody else breaks the law
he'll get the same treatment, yeah!
tucker stopped and looked over at boom-boom in surprise. "uh....is that all?"
boom-boom nodded, rather unapologetically. "songs don't have to be long to get the point across."
a cyborg rattled over to collect the dirty dishes.
"is that...Robocop?" taylor asked. "what happened to shakespeare?"
"i'm too tired to decipher whatever he says. i'm a cop, not a linguist." she drained the last of her second pint, burped, and stood up. "thanks for the massage, hep. i'm hitting the hay. g'nite, all."
after she walked out, burkie went over to take her seat. "hep, would you mind doing my shoulders, too?"
s.a. hepzibah stared daggers at him as she walked over to sit next to gavin. "don't call me hep!"
"hmph."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Fur Will Fly
gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung up his jacket, and inhaled deeply and with appreciation. "smells great, danny. what're we having for dinner?"
"korean bbq-style burgers," danny black replied as he poured gavin a beer. "i'll make you two."
"to start with," cardigan amended as he took his beer over to his accustomed table with his accustomed friends.
"hey, i don't think i like being defined as accustomed," sierra charles complained as gavin took his seat.
"i didn't call you that," gavin noted sourly. "burkie did."
"hmph," sierra sulked.
"now, now," burkie admonished her as he walked into the Pub. "no sulking! not when you're about to meet your date." he indicated the striking young man entering the Pub behind him.
sierra's eyes went round--
"burkie!"
"that's not what i meant!"
sierra's eyes went wide even as she glared at burkie at the same time.
the young man smiled warmly and extended a hand. "hi! my name is jacob. jacob black."
"oh, this is going to be good," taylor young grinned knowingly, baring his fangs.
sierra glanced nervously at taylor, then unabashedly looked the newcomer's 6'7" frame up and down, shook her hair flirtaciously, then took his hand with an approving smile. "hello. oh! your skin is warm."
she continued to hold his hand, now with both hands, until he finally said, "don't worry, i don't have a fever. i've always had higher-than-normal body temperature."
"no, it feels good," sierra cooed, continuing to rub his hand.
marian snickered. "she cooed."
sierra suddenly dropped his hand, embarrassed. "i'm sorry. please, uh, have a seat."
"thank you," he said, taking the seat next to her.
as danny placed a plate in front of cardigan, sierra grabbed one of the burgers and gave it to jacob. "here, these are fabulous!"
cardigan glared at her and moved his plate to the opposite side. "danny, better bring some more."
"burkie," marian turned toward their handsome creator, "where did jacob come from?"
"my friend mira suggested him for the contest."
"you mean your friend ava?"
"wow! you remembered me!" burkie's friend ava reinier appeared suddenly.
taylor looked around, bewildered. "where did you come from? you weren't here before?"
"i taught her that," Mysterious Lurker informed him, appearing suddenly at burkie's friend ava's side.
cardigan looked back and forth between the Lurker and burkie's friend ava, chewing his korean bbq-style burger thoughtfully, then snapped his fingers. "burkie's friend ava is your apprentice?"
the Lurker nodded. "yep. she shows a lot of talent for lurking."
danny dropped off more burgers and asked burkie's friend ava, "are you really lurking in a blog written by a dog?"
burkie's friend ava nodded. "yes. it's called oh my effing dog!"
"of course it is," danny muttered, returning back to his sanctuary behind the bar.
"it's my friend mira, not my friend ava, who suggested jacob," burkie explained. "she won the contest for the mug. well, actually, she co-won."
"co-won?" sierra tore her eyes regretfully away from her dark-haired date, starting to look nervous. "what does that mean? i have to go on more dates? why? what's wrong with this one? i like this one!"
jacob smiled. "that's nice of you to say, sierra."
taylor looked out the window. "it's getting dark outside. must be twilight."
marian scrunched up her face in annoyance. "of course, it's twilight out there, taylor. look what time it is!" she shook her head and looked toward their guest. "you'll have to forgive taylor, jacob. he--" she stopped suddenly. "jacob...jacob?" she looked over at taylor, who nodded, and she suddenly clapped her hands. "oh! oh!"
Mysterious Lurker smiled knowingly. "it is getting dark out there, isn't it. i hear there's a new moon."
sierra looked around, clearly in the dark. "what's going on? burkie, why can't i go out with jacob again? he's nice, seems normal, and..." she tilted her head toward her date. "have you seen him? woof!"
taylor, marian, and the Lurking started laughing out loud, exchanging high-fives.
special assistant hepzibah ran into the Pub at that moment, waving an autograph book. "i'm not too late, am i?"
"too late? too late for what?" sierra asked.
hepzibah looked inside her small purse for a pen, swore, then checked her large purse, swore again, and rummaged through her tote bag. "here it is!" she fished out an SFPD pen and handed it and the book to jacob. "can i have your autograph? i'm a huge fan."
"sure." jacob smiled and took the book.
"autograph?" sierra stared at jacob. "who are you? i'm sorry, but i'm a bit of a celebrity myself and i've never heard of you."
"you've never read the twilight series?" hepzibah looked surprised.
"twilight? oh, no. my agent got me an audition to play the mother of the girl--becca, or whatever her name is."
"bella," replied a chorus of voices around the room.
"whatever. he's my ex-agent now. i can't play somebody old enough to have a daughter in high school." she turned back to jacob. "so, are you a vampire?" she glanced over at taylor. "a real one, that is?"
"um, no. not exactly," jacob replied, looking uncomfortable for the first time since he arrived.
"he's a werewolf," marian told her with a grin.
"a real one," taylor added.
"werewolf?" she looked at burkie.
"ah, yes."
"werewolf?!" she looked at jacob.
"woof."
she shuddered. "and when you turn into a wolf, what do you eat?"
"um, you know. wolf stuff."
"you mean like Purina Wolf Chow? or you mean like dead rabbits and squirrels and things like that?"
jacob gave her his most charming smile. "well, it's hard to eat them when they're alive, you know. they kick going down."
"ewwwww. and your breath must be awful. thanks, but no thanks."
jacob sighed, then stood. "it's always the breath. i wish somebody would invent a breath mint strong enough for werewolves."
as jacob walked out, burkie's friend ava remarked, "wolf did flow."
taylor said, "aw, sierra. you would've been a great couple. he's a wolf, you're a cougar. you would've had the cutest cubs!"
"i am not a cougar!"
shakespeare came over to bus the table. "you made the right choice, fair sierra. he's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf, a horse's health, a boy's love, or a whore's oath."
she turned her un-kind eyes toward their handsome creator. "burkie, the next one better be human. got it?"
"oh, he's human all right," hepzibah giggled.
"why is she giggling?!" sierra looked indignant. "burkie? burkie!"
"korean bbq-style burgers," danny black replied as he poured gavin a beer. "i'll make you two."
"to start with," cardigan amended as he took his beer over to his accustomed table with his accustomed friends.
"hey, i don't think i like being defined as accustomed," sierra charles complained as gavin took his seat.
"i didn't call you that," gavin noted sourly. "burkie did."
"hmph," sierra sulked.
"now, now," burkie admonished her as he walked into the Pub. "no sulking! not when you're about to meet your date." he indicated the striking young man entering the Pub behind him.
sierra's eyes went round--
"burkie!"
"that's not what i meant!"
sierra's eyes went wide even as she glared at burkie at the same time.
the young man smiled warmly and extended a hand. "hi! my name is jacob. jacob black."
"oh, this is going to be good," taylor young grinned knowingly, baring his fangs.
sierra glanced nervously at taylor, then unabashedly looked the newcomer's 6'7" frame up and down, shook her hair flirtaciously, then took his hand with an approving smile. "hello. oh! your skin is warm."
she continued to hold his hand, now with both hands, until he finally said, "don't worry, i don't have a fever. i've always had higher-than-normal body temperature."
"no, it feels good," sierra cooed, continuing to rub his hand.
marian snickered. "she cooed."
sierra suddenly dropped his hand, embarrassed. "i'm sorry. please, uh, have a seat."
"thank you," he said, taking the seat next to her.
as danny placed a plate in front of cardigan, sierra grabbed one of the burgers and gave it to jacob. "here, these are fabulous!"
cardigan glared at her and moved his plate to the opposite side. "danny, better bring some more."
"burkie," marian turned toward their handsome creator, "where did jacob come from?"
"my friend mira suggested him for the contest."
"you mean your friend ava?"
"wow! you remembered me!" burkie's friend ava reinier appeared suddenly.
taylor looked around, bewildered. "where did you come from? you weren't here before?"
"i taught her that," Mysterious Lurker informed him, appearing suddenly at burkie's friend ava's side.
cardigan looked back and forth between the Lurker and burkie's friend ava, chewing his korean bbq-style burger thoughtfully, then snapped his fingers. "burkie's friend ava is your apprentice?"
the Lurker nodded. "yep. she shows a lot of talent for lurking."
danny dropped off more burgers and asked burkie's friend ava, "are you really lurking in a blog written by a dog?"
burkie's friend ava nodded. "yes. it's called oh my effing dog!"
"of course it is," danny muttered, returning back to his sanctuary behind the bar.
"it's my friend mira, not my friend ava, who suggested jacob," burkie explained. "she won the contest for the mug. well, actually, she co-won."
"co-won?" sierra tore her eyes regretfully away from her dark-haired date, starting to look nervous. "what does that mean? i have to go on more dates? why? what's wrong with this one? i like this one!"
jacob smiled. "that's nice of you to say, sierra."
taylor looked out the window. "it's getting dark outside. must be twilight."
marian scrunched up her face in annoyance. "of course, it's twilight out there, taylor. look what time it is!" she shook her head and looked toward their guest. "you'll have to forgive taylor, jacob. he--" she stopped suddenly. "jacob...jacob?" she looked over at taylor, who nodded, and she suddenly clapped her hands. "oh! oh!"
Mysterious Lurker smiled knowingly. "it is getting dark out there, isn't it. i hear there's a new moon."
sierra looked around, clearly in the dark. "what's going on? burkie, why can't i go out with jacob again? he's nice, seems normal, and..." she tilted her head toward her date. "have you seen him? woof!"
taylor, marian, and the Lurking started laughing out loud, exchanging high-fives.
special assistant hepzibah ran into the Pub at that moment, waving an autograph book. "i'm not too late, am i?"
"too late? too late for what?" sierra asked.
hepzibah looked inside her small purse for a pen, swore, then checked her large purse, swore again, and rummaged through her tote bag. "here it is!" she fished out an SFPD pen and handed it and the book to jacob. "can i have your autograph? i'm a huge fan."
"sure." jacob smiled and took the book.
"autograph?" sierra stared at jacob. "who are you? i'm sorry, but i'm a bit of a celebrity myself and i've never heard of you."
"you've never read the twilight series?" hepzibah looked surprised.
"twilight? oh, no. my agent got me an audition to play the mother of the girl--becca, or whatever her name is."
"bella," replied a chorus of voices around the room.
"whatever. he's my ex-agent now. i can't play somebody old enough to have a daughter in high school." she turned back to jacob. "so, are you a vampire?" she glanced over at taylor. "a real one, that is?"
"um, no. not exactly," jacob replied, looking uncomfortable for the first time since he arrived.
"he's a werewolf," marian told her with a grin.
"a real one," taylor added.
"werewolf?" she looked at burkie.
"ah, yes."
"werewolf?!" she looked at jacob.
"woof."
she shuddered. "and when you turn into a wolf, what do you eat?"
"um, you know. wolf stuff."
"you mean like Purina Wolf Chow? or you mean like dead rabbits and squirrels and things like that?"
jacob gave her his most charming smile. "well, it's hard to eat them when they're alive, you know. they kick going down."
"ewwwww. and your breath must be awful. thanks, but no thanks."
jacob sighed, then stood. "it's always the breath. i wish somebody would invent a breath mint strong enough for werewolves."
as jacob walked out, burkie's friend ava remarked, "wolf did flow."
taylor said, "aw, sierra. you would've been a great couple. he's a wolf, you're a cougar. you would've had the cutest cubs!"
"i am not a cougar!"
shakespeare came over to bus the table. "you made the right choice, fair sierra. he's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf, a horse's health, a boy's love, or a whore's oath."
she turned her un-kind eyes toward their handsome creator. "burkie, the next one better be human. got it?"
"oh, he's human all right," hepzibah giggled.
"why is she giggling?!" sierra looked indignant. "burkie? burkie!"
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A Question of Character
"howdy," gavin cardigan greeted danny blake as he entered the Pub.
blake poured him a beer and placed it in front of him. "we're serving gazpacho steak salad tonight. interested?"
"when have i ever turned down one of your meals?" cardigan sipped his beer, then walked over to join the regulars and, he noticed, the irregulars as well, including burkie's special assistant. "hey, guys. what's going on?"
"burkie set up this game to let you guys develop your characters more fully," special assistant hepzibah explained. "each of you will reach into that box on the table, pull out a slip of paper, and answer the question on it."
"it's about time!" linda nulo reached into the box, eager to develop her character fully. she read the question aloud: "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? and why?" she crumpled the paper angrily in her hand. "wtf kind of question is that?!"
"it's designed to give us insight into your psychological make-up," dr. foxy charles explained. "it's really quite clever."
"i'd be the whomping willow from harry potter, so i could whomp burkie upside the head," linda retorted. "your turn, foxy, since you find burkie so clever."
foxy smiled and reached in, then read: "who was the first person you ever had a crush on?" she took a quick swallow of beer to hide her rapidly blushing face. "hmmm, i can't remember. your turn, sierra."
s.a. hepzibah sighed. "you have to answer, foxy. if you don't, burkie will just type it."
"isn't he typing it already?"
"don't confuse matters. it hurts my head to think about that."
foxy muttered, "roger rabbit."
"roger rabbit?" sierra laughed. "he's animated! and...well, a rabbit!"
foxy shrugged. "he makes me laugh."
"okay, i'll give him that," her sister conceded and reached in for her question: "'if you were one of snow white's 7 dwarfs, which one would you be?' hmmm, probably Hungry."
"i think Hungry was a smurf, not a dwarf," marian elfman stated.
"there was no Hungry Smurf," declared judge st. bishop, the Pub's foremost authority on all things smurfy.
"there was no Hungry dwarf, either," foxy said. "honestly, if you took my and burkie's course, you'd know this."
"choose Dopey," taylor young suggested. "he's the one without a beard."
"definitely Dopey," sierra stated with finality. "your turn, taylor."
taylor reached in and pulled out the following: "if you were a professional wrestler, what would your name be?" he grinned. "Forever Young!" he bared his fangs menacingly, referring to the immortality that burkie has yet to bestow upon him.
marian rolled her eyes. "that's corny!" she reached into the box for her own question: "if you were a natural disaster, which one would you be?" she made a face of bewilderment. "i have no idea....oh, i know--the bermuda triangle!" she beamed, obviously pleased with herself.
"is that a disaster or a phenomenon?"
"according to the most interesting man in the world, it's actually a parellelogram rather than a triangle," danny informed them as he delivered caridgan's salad. "guess i'd better take one, too." he reached in and pulled out: "if you were to host a dinner party and could invite two historical figures, who would you invite?" danny pointed left and right. "easy. ben franklin and william shakespeare."
marian made yet another face and stomped her foot. "that's not fair! they're always invited!"
"and it's always my pleasure to be here, my dear!" mr. franklin smiled at her, then reached in for a question: "which modern day convenience could you not live without?" he drummed his fingers on the table. "hmmm, i would have to say this iPod device. i've got every song tom jones ever recorded on this little baby!"
the judge looked alarmed. "i think you should choose something from your own time period, sir. perhaps one of your own inventions?"
"and i think you should answer your own question, magistrate," retorted the founding father, placing his iPod back in his pocket.
the judge bristled but reached in for a question: "if you had a band, what would you name it?" he thought for a second. "Langtry," he decided.
"nice," tucker approved, then reached for a question: if you had a theme song that played whenever you walked into a room, which song would it be? tucker grinned, strummed his guitar, and started to sing:
night after night,
who treats you right?
baby, it's the guitar man...
"at least you got a good question, honey," linda noted.
"my turn," Mysterious Lurker announced with a toss of her leisure suit-blue hair, reaching in for a question. "what would everyone in the room be shocked to learn about you?" a tattoo of a sheriff's star appeared on her arm. "that i wanted to be a cop when i grew up."
sgt. boom-boom shakalaka snorted. "you on the force? more like the farce." she reached in for a question: what is your idea of a great first date? "gee, i don't know. with my hours, i don't date much. i guess it would be going out for thai food, then the shooting range, then chilling out with a bottle of wine and a horror movie."
"that sounds...interesting," marian noted. "your turn, hepzibah. hepzibah?"
burkie's special assistant looked as if she were in a trance, then realized everyone was staring at her. "oh, sorry! i was, uh, wondering where burkie is."
"you're his special assistant. shouldn't you know?"
"oh, right. yes, he couldn't be here tonight because he's busy writing." she reached in and pulled out: what's your favorite movie? "oh, i don't know. interview with the vampire, i guess."
"good flick," taylor approved. "ava, your turn."
burkie's friend ava smiled and reached in for her question: where would you most like to visit? "adaven, nevada," she replied.
"i've never heard of it," the black darter noted, then reached in for his question: if you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you lose? "oh, man, that's an impossible question for a super hero to answer."
"then it should be easy for you," the Lurker pointed out.
dat glared at her, then answered, "touch. since i use a blow gun, i don't need to get close enough to touch the bad guys."
sierra looked over at gavin. "cardigan, you haven't gone yet!"
cardigan grunted, then reached in: what rule have you always disagreed with, and why? "i before e except after c," he replied. "it's just weird." he turned to shakespeare as the playwright came over to collect the dirty dishes. "you're last, shakespeare."
the great dramatist reached in and pulled out: what is your favorite number? "One that lies three thirds and uses a known truth to pass a thousand nothings with, should be once heard and thrice beaten," he answered, then carried the dishes away.
the others looked at each other. "so what was his answer?"
"i think it's 'three.' he used three different versions of three: three, thirds, and thrice."
"or he might have just been making an observation about burkie," noted cardigan.
blake poured him a beer and placed it in front of him. "we're serving gazpacho steak salad tonight. interested?"
"when have i ever turned down one of your meals?" cardigan sipped his beer, then walked over to join the regulars and, he noticed, the irregulars as well, including burkie's special assistant. "hey, guys. what's going on?"
"burkie set up this game to let you guys develop your characters more fully," special assistant hepzibah explained. "each of you will reach into that box on the table, pull out a slip of paper, and answer the question on it."
"it's about time!" linda nulo reached into the box, eager to develop her character fully. she read the question aloud: "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? and why?" she crumpled the paper angrily in her hand. "wtf kind of question is that?!"
"it's designed to give us insight into your psychological make-up," dr. foxy charles explained. "it's really quite clever."
"i'd be the whomping willow from harry potter, so i could whomp burkie upside the head," linda retorted. "your turn, foxy, since you find burkie so clever."
foxy smiled and reached in, then read: "who was the first person you ever had a crush on?" she took a quick swallow of beer to hide her rapidly blushing face. "hmmm, i can't remember. your turn, sierra."
s.a. hepzibah sighed. "you have to answer, foxy. if you don't, burkie will just type it."
"isn't he typing it already?"
"don't confuse matters. it hurts my head to think about that."
foxy muttered, "roger rabbit."
"roger rabbit?" sierra laughed. "he's animated! and...well, a rabbit!"
foxy shrugged. "he makes me laugh."
"okay, i'll give him that," her sister conceded and reached in for her question: "'if you were one of snow white's 7 dwarfs, which one would you be?' hmmm, probably Hungry."
"i think Hungry was a smurf, not a dwarf," marian elfman stated.
"there was no Hungry Smurf," declared judge st. bishop, the Pub's foremost authority on all things smurfy.
"there was no Hungry dwarf, either," foxy said. "honestly, if you took my and burkie's course, you'd know this."
"choose Dopey," taylor young suggested. "he's the one without a beard."
"definitely Dopey," sierra stated with finality. "your turn, taylor."
taylor reached in and pulled out the following: "if you were a professional wrestler, what would your name be?" he grinned. "Forever Young!" he bared his fangs menacingly, referring to the immortality that burkie has yet to bestow upon him.
marian rolled her eyes. "that's corny!" she reached into the box for her own question: "if you were a natural disaster, which one would you be?" she made a face of bewilderment. "i have no idea....oh, i know--the bermuda triangle!" she beamed, obviously pleased with herself.
"is that a disaster or a phenomenon?"
"according to the most interesting man in the world, it's actually a parellelogram rather than a triangle," danny informed them as he delivered caridgan's salad. "guess i'd better take one, too." he reached in and pulled out: "if you were to host a dinner party and could invite two historical figures, who would you invite?" danny pointed left and right. "easy. ben franklin and william shakespeare."
marian made yet another face and stomped her foot. "that's not fair! they're always invited!"
"and it's always my pleasure to be here, my dear!" mr. franklin smiled at her, then reached in for a question: "which modern day convenience could you not live without?" he drummed his fingers on the table. "hmmm, i would have to say this iPod device. i've got every song tom jones ever recorded on this little baby!"
the judge looked alarmed. "i think you should choose something from your own time period, sir. perhaps one of your own inventions?"
"and i think you should answer your own question, magistrate," retorted the founding father, placing his iPod back in his pocket.
the judge bristled but reached in for a question: "if you had a band, what would you name it?" he thought for a second. "Langtry," he decided.
"nice," tucker approved, then reached for a question: if you had a theme song that played whenever you walked into a room, which song would it be? tucker grinned, strummed his guitar, and started to sing:
night after night,
who treats you right?
baby, it's the guitar man...
"at least you got a good question, honey," linda noted.
"my turn," Mysterious Lurker announced with a toss of her leisure suit-blue hair, reaching in for a question. "what would everyone in the room be shocked to learn about you?" a tattoo of a sheriff's star appeared on her arm. "that i wanted to be a cop when i grew up."
sgt. boom-boom shakalaka snorted. "you on the force? more like the farce." she reached in for a question: what is your idea of a great first date? "gee, i don't know. with my hours, i don't date much. i guess it would be going out for thai food, then the shooting range, then chilling out with a bottle of wine and a horror movie."
"that sounds...interesting," marian noted. "your turn, hepzibah. hepzibah?"
burkie's special assistant looked as if she were in a trance, then realized everyone was staring at her. "oh, sorry! i was, uh, wondering where burkie is."
"you're his special assistant. shouldn't you know?"
"oh, right. yes, he couldn't be here tonight because he's busy writing." she reached in and pulled out: what's your favorite movie? "oh, i don't know. interview with the vampire, i guess."
"good flick," taylor approved. "ava, your turn."
burkie's friend ava smiled and reached in for her question: where would you most like to visit? "adaven, nevada," she replied.
"i've never heard of it," the black darter noted, then reached in for his question: if you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you lose? "oh, man, that's an impossible question for a super hero to answer."
"then it should be easy for you," the Lurker pointed out.
dat glared at her, then answered, "touch. since i use a blow gun, i don't need to get close enough to touch the bad guys."
sierra looked over at gavin. "cardigan, you haven't gone yet!"
cardigan grunted, then reached in: what rule have you always disagreed with, and why? "i before e except after c," he replied. "it's just weird." he turned to shakespeare as the playwright came over to collect the dirty dishes. "you're last, shakespeare."
the great dramatist reached in and pulled out: what is your favorite number? "One that lies three thirds and uses a known truth to pass a thousand nothings with, should be once heard and thrice beaten," he answered, then carried the dishes away.
the others looked at each other. "so what was his answer?"
"i think it's 'three.' he used three different versions of three: three, thirds, and thrice."
"or he might have just been making an observation about burkie," noted cardigan.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wikipubia
"good evening, everybody!" cardigan called out as he entered the pub.
"gavin," danny blake nodded in greeting as he poured a beer.
"what's on the menu tonight, danny?"
"chilaquiles."
cardigan breathed in deeply. "remind me to thank burkie for bringing me here tonight."
"cardigan, come on over here and help us out," sierra called him over.
"what's up? oh, hi hepzibah."
"hello, gavin," special assistant hepzibah replied from behind the laptop she was sharing with marian. "we're creating a wiki for the pub."
"a wiki? why?"
"to help people keep track of what's going on here, who's who, who's sleeping with whom, all that stuff. burkie blogs so infrequently that people might forget what's going on, so they can always go to the wiki tag to get the lowdown," marian explained, a little smugly.
"it was marian's idea," taylor pointed out.
"uh huh," caridgan muttered, taking a sip. "i guess it's not a bad idea at that. burkie probably needs it the most. he probably makes the Lurker's hair change color to spare himself the effort of remembering what color it is."
"let's get started," marian stated.
CAST
gavin cardigan - a private detective with a welsh name. single. harbors negative feelings toward burkie because of his single status. may be pursuing a relationship with mayoral assistant kim park. alas, it didn't work out. as usual.
danny blake - owner/chef/bartender of Poor Yorick's Pub. only serves bass ale and guinness stout. cooks and serves only one food item per day, depending on what he feels like making. single, though there are hints that he may be in a relationship with the Mysterious Lurker. his name was originally donnie craig, but he had to change it.
sierra charles - a D-list celebrity who appears on lame reality shows and obscure advertising campaigns. big break was in a zz top video, dancing in a cage. single, though her mother and others try to set her up with nice young men. she seems to find a flaw with every one of them. allegedly has a thing for vampires and those with pointy ears. often seen stealing food from cardigan's plate.
marian elfman - syndicated columnist who writes an advice column called "don't be so melodramatic!" in a committed relationship with taylor young. known to make interesting faces. likes to make spreadsheets. rumored to have had a baker's dozen of ex-boyfriends with nursery rhyme names.
taylor young - a vampire of limited and rather dubious disctinction. can grow impressive fangs, but that's about all. clumsy. in a committed relationship with marian elfman. has decided that he's british, from Stow-on-the-Wold in the cotswolds region.
Mysterious Lurker - a lurker with mysterious qualities, such as changing her hair & eye color at will, as well as tattoos, and has even demonstrated the ability to do the same for cardigan welsh corgis. appears and disappears suddenly. reads tarot cards and has been known to help cardigan in his work in this way. may be in a relationship with danny blake.
tucker - a singer/songwriter/guitar player. performs at times in the pub. can write a song on almost any subject at the drop of a hat, but they don't always receive positive reviews. in a relationship with linda nulo. unknown if tucker is his first or last or only name.
linda nulo - tucker's girlfriend. a texan. has been known to complain about a lack of character development. recently discovered that she's a 3-time barrel racing champion.
judge st. bishop - a judge. often has a stormy entrance, alarmed that burkie's blatant disregard for history could cause irreparable harm to the space-time continuum. has discerning tastes and is a big fan of danny's cooking. his relationship status is unknown.
the black darter (dat rhaymes) - a would-be vigilante who shoots villians with darts through a blowgun of limited range. a figure of snickering rather than praise at this point. his day job is doing research for the local newspaper. doubtlessly single.
benjamin franklin - founding father, colonial rennaisance man. randomly appears in the pub, but nobody knows how or why. he is not dead. philadelphia eagles fan. enjoys playing the Wii.
foxy charles - a professor of sociology. sierra's little sister. co-writing a book with burkie about popular american culture, aimed toward immigrants and first generation americans. single, but known to make cardigan go weak in the knees.
monte - a cardigan welsh corgi. formerly belonged to the mayor, now belongs to the pub. an accomplished pizza chef.
william shakespeare - elizabethan dramatist and poet, arguably the greatest writer that the english language has ever known. currently working as a busboy in the pub.
spock - a vulcan with pointy ears and no sense of humor. a former busboy in the pub.
buddy lee - a creepy baby doll that wears denim jeans and flannel shirts. a former busboy in the pub. rumored to be in a relationship with lucy liu.
geoffrey pompousass - a pompous ass. former busboy in the pub. relationship status unknown, but there's somebody for everyone, right?
special assistant (s.a.) hepzibah - burkie's special assistant. she seems to have a crush on officer shakalaka.
sgt. tarboom (boom-boom) shakalaka - a police officer who is suspicious of the Mysterious Lurker's mysterious ways. she seems to have an unsettling effect on s.a. hepzibah.
maddog - a friend of burkie's who bakes. married to chris.
chris - maddog's indulgent husband. likes good beer.
angel - a vampire of distinction, friend of taylor's. single.
burkie - their handsome creator. well, he didn't create maddog or chris. or benjamin franklin. or shakespeare. or spock or buddy lee, but he created everyone else. they are all fictional, obviously. fictional!
ava reinier - burkie's friend ava. she tends to speak in palindromes. appears to be single.
otis - a friend of danny's. nothing more is known about him.
belinda starre - her friends call her belle. to say anything more would be a spoiler.
sean IX (sean the ninth) - a man of more than 30 years and red hair who has a rather overinflated opinion of both himself and t.s. eliot, and no doubt many other subjects.
sierra's dates: the rubberband man, the muppet guy, the crooner, jacob black, stoney case, horace humboldt.
juliet charles - brother (given name julius) of sierra and foxy. as julius, a personal trainer by day. as crossdressing juliet at night and on weekends, performs in a mermaid show.
marian's exes - j³ (given name is john jacob jingleheimer schmidt); wee willie winkie; cole king (given name is king cole).
the witches - three crones who occupy another corner of the Pub and closely follow the shenanigans of cardigan & company: Pearl, an elderly asian woman; Esmerelda, an elderly hispanic woman; and Ruby, an elderly white woman.
the ghost of christmas present - resident ghost. apparently has great abs.
lily - danny blake's long-lost twin sister. her name was annie before they were separated at age 10.
lucy - danny and lily's aunt (their mother's sister). her name used to be brenda.
mack - a black truck driver who became lily's savior. she calls him uncle mack.
sophie - mack's wife. she's half-black, half-white. she and mack raise lily in their home outside new orleans.
archibald knemesis - burkie's arch nemesis.
father leo - catholic priest at St. Barbara's Catholic Church in New Orleans. a friend to lily.
dash chandler - an elderly man who suffers amnesia. works part-time for cardigan.
rabbi ori - an old rabbi who plays chess with young danny blake.
carlotta - a Computer-Assisted Research program, version 2.0. an animated program with personality, she assists marian in performing internet research. a vampire version, carpathia, assists taylor.
marian and hepzibah exchanged a high-five. "we're done!"
cardigan dug into his chilaquiles. "i didn't realize we were so pathetic."
sierra nodded in agreement. "i feel more like a K-list celebrity."
shakespeare walked over to collect plates. "how do you think i feel? like a dull actor now, i have forgot my part, and i am out, even to a full disgrace."
"i'll drink to that," cardigan drained his pint.
"gavin," danny blake nodded in greeting as he poured a beer.
"what's on the menu tonight, danny?"
"chilaquiles."
cardigan breathed in deeply. "remind me to thank burkie for bringing me here tonight."
"cardigan, come on over here and help us out," sierra called him over.
"what's up? oh, hi hepzibah."
"hello, gavin," special assistant hepzibah replied from behind the laptop she was sharing with marian. "we're creating a wiki for the pub."
"a wiki? why?"
"to help people keep track of what's going on here, who's who, who's sleeping with whom, all that stuff. burkie blogs so infrequently that people might forget what's going on, so they can always go to the wiki tag to get the lowdown," marian explained, a little smugly.
"it was marian's idea," taylor pointed out.
"uh huh," caridgan muttered, taking a sip. "i guess it's not a bad idea at that. burkie probably needs it the most. he probably makes the Lurker's hair change color to spare himself the effort of remembering what color it is."
"let's get started," marian stated.
CAST
gavin cardigan - a private detective with a welsh name. single. harbors negative feelings toward burkie because of his single status. may be pursuing a relationship with mayoral assistant kim park. alas, it didn't work out. as usual.
danny blake - owner/chef/bartender of Poor Yorick's Pub. only serves bass ale and guinness stout. cooks and serves only one food item per day, depending on what he feels like making. single, though there are hints that he may be in a relationship with the Mysterious Lurker. his name was originally donnie craig, but he had to change it.
sierra charles - a D-list celebrity who appears on lame reality shows and obscure advertising campaigns. big break was in a zz top video, dancing in a cage. single, though her mother and others try to set her up with nice young men. she seems to find a flaw with every one of them. allegedly has a thing for vampires and those with pointy ears. often seen stealing food from cardigan's plate.
marian elfman - syndicated columnist who writes an advice column called "don't be so melodramatic!" in a committed relationship with taylor young. known to make interesting faces. likes to make spreadsheets. rumored to have had a baker's dozen of ex-boyfriends with nursery rhyme names.
taylor young - a vampire of limited and rather dubious disctinction. can grow impressive fangs, but that's about all. clumsy. in a committed relationship with marian elfman. has decided that he's british, from Stow-on-the-Wold in the cotswolds region.
Mysterious Lurker - a lurker with mysterious qualities, such as changing her hair & eye color at will, as well as tattoos, and has even demonstrated the ability to do the same for cardigan welsh corgis. appears and disappears suddenly. reads tarot cards and has been known to help cardigan in his work in this way. may be in a relationship with danny blake.
tucker - a singer/songwriter/guitar player. performs at times in the pub. can write a song on almost any subject at the drop of a hat, but they don't always receive positive reviews. in a relationship with linda nulo. unknown if tucker is his first or last or only name.
linda nulo - tucker's girlfriend. a texan. has been known to complain about a lack of character development. recently discovered that she's a 3-time barrel racing champion.
judge st. bishop - a judge. often has a stormy entrance, alarmed that burkie's blatant disregard for history could cause irreparable harm to the space-time continuum. has discerning tastes and is a big fan of danny's cooking. his relationship status is unknown.
the black darter (dat rhaymes) - a would-be vigilante who shoots villians with darts through a blowgun of limited range. a figure of snickering rather than praise at this point. his day job is doing research for the local newspaper. doubtlessly single.
benjamin franklin - founding father, colonial rennaisance man. randomly appears in the pub, but nobody knows how or why. he is not dead. philadelphia eagles fan. enjoys playing the Wii.
foxy charles - a professor of sociology. sierra's little sister. co-writing a book with burkie about popular american culture, aimed toward immigrants and first generation americans. single, but known to make cardigan go weak in the knees.
monte - a cardigan welsh corgi. formerly belonged to the mayor, now belongs to the pub. an accomplished pizza chef.
william shakespeare - elizabethan dramatist and poet, arguably the greatest writer that the english language has ever known. currently working as a busboy in the pub.
spock - a vulcan with pointy ears and no sense of humor. a former busboy in the pub.
buddy lee - a creepy baby doll that wears denim jeans and flannel shirts. a former busboy in the pub. rumored to be in a relationship with lucy liu.
geoffrey pompousass - a pompous ass. former busboy in the pub. relationship status unknown, but there's somebody for everyone, right?
special assistant (s.a.) hepzibah - burkie's special assistant. she seems to have a crush on officer shakalaka.
sgt. tarboom (boom-boom) shakalaka - a police officer who is suspicious of the Mysterious Lurker's mysterious ways. she seems to have an unsettling effect on s.a. hepzibah.
maddog - a friend of burkie's who bakes. married to chris.
chris - maddog's indulgent husband. likes good beer.
angel - a vampire of distinction, friend of taylor's. single.
burkie - their handsome creator. well, he didn't create maddog or chris. or benjamin franklin. or shakespeare. or spock or buddy lee, but he created everyone else. they are all fictional, obviously. fictional!
ava reinier - burkie's friend ava. she tends to speak in palindromes. appears to be single.
otis - a friend of danny's. nothing more is known about him.
belinda starre - her friends call her belle. to say anything more would be a spoiler.
sean IX (sean the ninth) - a man of more than 30 years and red hair who has a rather overinflated opinion of both himself and t.s. eliot, and no doubt many other subjects.
sierra's dates: the rubberband man, the muppet guy, the crooner, jacob black, stoney case, horace humboldt.
juliet charles - brother (given name julius) of sierra and foxy. as julius, a personal trainer by day. as crossdressing juliet at night and on weekends, performs in a mermaid show.
marian's exes - j³ (given name is john jacob jingleheimer schmidt); wee willie winkie; cole king (given name is king cole).
the witches - three crones who occupy another corner of the Pub and closely follow the shenanigans of cardigan & company: Pearl, an elderly asian woman; Esmerelda, an elderly hispanic woman; and Ruby, an elderly white woman.
the ghost of christmas present - resident ghost. apparently has great abs.
lily - danny blake's long-lost twin sister. her name was annie before they were separated at age 10.
lucy - danny and lily's aunt (their mother's sister). her name used to be brenda.
mack - a black truck driver who became lily's savior. she calls him uncle mack.
sophie - mack's wife. she's half-black, half-white. she and mack raise lily in their home outside new orleans.
archibald knemesis - burkie's arch nemesis.
father leo - catholic priest at St. Barbara's Catholic Church in New Orleans. a friend to lily.
dash chandler - an elderly man who suffers amnesia. works part-time for cardigan.
rabbi ori - an old rabbi who plays chess with young danny blake.
carlotta - a Computer-Assisted Research program, version 2.0. an animated program with personality, she assists marian in performing internet research. a vampire version, carpathia, assists taylor.
marian and hepzibah exchanged a high-five. "we're done!"
cardigan dug into his chilaquiles. "i didn't realize we were so pathetic."
sierra nodded in agreement. "i feel more like a K-list celebrity."
shakespeare walked over to collect plates. "how do you think i feel? like a dull actor now, i have forgot my part, and i am out, even to a full disgrace."
"i'll drink to that," cardigan drained his pint.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Lost: The Lost Episode
gavin cardigan walked into the pub and called out a greeting to the owner. "hey, danny! what's on the menu tonight?"
"carne guisana," replied danny from behind the bar, already pouring an ale for his best customer.
"thanks, hoss," cardigan accepted the beer. "i don't know what carne guisana is, but you've never been wrong."
"gavin, come here!" marian elfman anxiously waved cardigan over to the table where his friends usually sat. "burkie's giving us a chance to figure out where we are!"
"really?" despite the mention of burkie's name, cardigan was intrigued. like the others, he was frustrated by their handsome creator's refusal to identity the place where their story took place.
"burkie created some clues for you guys to figure out where you are," special assistant hepzibah explained.
"clues?" cardigan's irritation with burkie continued to escalate. "why can't the bloody fool just start one of these chapters with 'cardigan entered the pub, closing the door behind him to shut out the biting chicago wind' or something like that?"
"why does it always have to be cardigan, anyway?" sierra charles wondered. "why can't one of us start off one of these chapters?"
"that's a good question," danny blake agreed as he delivered cardigan's carne guisada and flour tortillas. "why can't a story begin with Mysterious Lurker or somebody else, hepzibah?"
"um, well, i think it's because burkie likes the name gavin cardigan." she tried to think of a more reasonable, er, reason. "plus, it gives gavin something special to do. you know, since he's not a vampire or dead guy or anything."
"confound it, woman, i am not dead!" benjamin franklin slammed his pint down on the table. "how many times must i explain this? i am not dead!" he snatched his spectacles off his nose and began to rub them furiously with a cloth, glaring at burkie's assistant.
cardigan took an bite of his carne guisada, letting the tender beef and bold chile flavors pacify his emotions. "so, what are these clues?"
marian spread out a sheet of paper with three clues on it:
E + R
A target for bullies
It's the real thing on Wall Street
"that's it?" cardigan drained his beer in annoyance and signaled danny for another.
"E-R..." sierra charles mused. "erie, pennsylvania?"
"you could do a lot worse than pennsylvania," benjamin franklin said proudly.
The Lurker shook her head, her fingers twisting her blond locks around. "no, that's not burkie's style. if it were erie, he'd probably give us a clue about prince charles or van gogh."
"too bad," tucker lamented, strumming a D-minor chord on his guitar. "lots of rhyming potential with 'erie.'"
"thank buddha," danny muttered. "erie sounds positively dreary."
"see what i mean?" tucker grinned.
"wasn't wall street one of the clues in the movie National Treasure?" taylor young wondered out loud. "what was the name of that church located there?"
"trinity church!" marian exclaimed. "is there a city called 'trinity' somewhere?"
"not a well-known city," sierra answered. "but there's a trinity university in san antonio, and burkie is from texas."
"there's also a trinity college in connecticut," taylor pointed out.
"and in florida," The Lurker added.
"and dublin," tucker noted.
"oh, ireland would've been fun," marian pouted.
danny dropped off cardigan's second beer. "what about the bully's target? a wimp? a wuss?"
"i was thinking a nose," said The Lurker, whose own nose was growing out to pinocchioan proportions. "you know, that's what a bully aims at when he hits you, right?"
"we have an ear and a nose," cardigan pointed out. "and...trinity?"
"it's Haiti!" marian jumped up and starting doing her victory dance and making all kinds of jubilant faces. "there's a book called The Faces of God: Vodou and Roman Catholicism in Haiti!"
the others stared at her incredulously.
"haiti?!"
The Lurker started giggling. "can you imagine the black darter skulking around haiti with his blow gun? i almost wish we were in haiti."
"i didn't know you giggled," danny looked at her with surprise. "i took you for more the smirking type."
"it's not haiti," s.a. hepzibah informed them as she stood up to leave.
"then what is it?" taylor asked.
"that's for you guys to figure out."
"how are we supposed to do that?" sierra complained. "we don't exist once burkie logs off his computer."
"sure you do...somehow," hepzibah shrugged. "you can leave your guesses in the comments section. see ya!"
cardigan drained his beer. "why can't anything be simple?"
william shakespeare came over to bus the table. "as i always say, sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."
marian rolled her eyes at him. "you didn't say that; dr. seuss did."
"the man was a genius," shakepeare acknowledged as he carried the dirty dishes away, muttering lines under his breath. "to be or not to be/to flee or not to flee/a bee is not a flea/but i will flee to be..."
"carne guisana," replied danny from behind the bar, already pouring an ale for his best customer.
"thanks, hoss," cardigan accepted the beer. "i don't know what carne guisana is, but you've never been wrong."
"gavin, come here!" marian elfman anxiously waved cardigan over to the table where his friends usually sat. "burkie's giving us a chance to figure out where we are!"
"really?" despite the mention of burkie's name, cardigan was intrigued. like the others, he was frustrated by their handsome creator's refusal to identity the place where their story took place.
"burkie created some clues for you guys to figure out where you are," special assistant hepzibah explained.
"clues?" cardigan's irritation with burkie continued to escalate. "why can't the bloody fool just start one of these chapters with 'cardigan entered the pub, closing the door behind him to shut out the biting chicago wind' or something like that?"
"why does it always have to be cardigan, anyway?" sierra charles wondered. "why can't one of us start off one of these chapters?"
"that's a good question," danny blake agreed as he delivered cardigan's carne guisada and flour tortillas. "why can't a story begin with Mysterious Lurker or somebody else, hepzibah?"
"um, well, i think it's because burkie likes the name gavin cardigan." she tried to think of a more reasonable, er, reason. "plus, it gives gavin something special to do. you know, since he's not a vampire or dead guy or anything."
"confound it, woman, i am not dead!" benjamin franklin slammed his pint down on the table. "how many times must i explain this? i am not dead!" he snatched his spectacles off his nose and began to rub them furiously with a cloth, glaring at burkie's assistant.
cardigan took an bite of his carne guisada, letting the tender beef and bold chile flavors pacify his emotions. "so, what are these clues?"
marian spread out a sheet of paper with three clues on it:
E + R
A target for bullies
It's the real thing on Wall Street
"that's it?" cardigan drained his beer in annoyance and signaled danny for another.
"E-R..." sierra charles mused. "erie, pennsylvania?"
"you could do a lot worse than pennsylvania," benjamin franklin said proudly.
The Lurker shook her head, her fingers twisting her blond locks around. "no, that's not burkie's style. if it were erie, he'd probably give us a clue about prince charles or van gogh."
"too bad," tucker lamented, strumming a D-minor chord on his guitar. "lots of rhyming potential with 'erie.'"
"thank buddha," danny muttered. "erie sounds positively dreary."
"see what i mean?" tucker grinned.
"wasn't wall street one of the clues in the movie National Treasure?" taylor young wondered out loud. "what was the name of that church located there?"
"trinity church!" marian exclaimed. "is there a city called 'trinity' somewhere?"
"not a well-known city," sierra answered. "but there's a trinity university in san antonio, and burkie is from texas."
"there's also a trinity college in connecticut," taylor pointed out.
"and in florida," The Lurker added.
"and dublin," tucker noted.
"oh, ireland would've been fun," marian pouted.
danny dropped off cardigan's second beer. "what about the bully's target? a wimp? a wuss?"
"i was thinking a nose," said The Lurker, whose own nose was growing out to pinocchioan proportions. "you know, that's what a bully aims at when he hits you, right?"
"we have an ear and a nose," cardigan pointed out. "and...trinity?"
"it's Haiti!" marian jumped up and starting doing her victory dance and making all kinds of jubilant faces. "there's a book called The Faces of God: Vodou and Roman Catholicism in Haiti!"
the others stared at her incredulously.
"haiti?!"
The Lurker started giggling. "can you imagine the black darter skulking around haiti with his blow gun? i almost wish we were in haiti."
"i didn't know you giggled," danny looked at her with surprise. "i took you for more the smirking type."
"it's not haiti," s.a. hepzibah informed them as she stood up to leave.
"then what is it?" taylor asked.
"that's for you guys to figure out."
"how are we supposed to do that?" sierra complained. "we don't exist once burkie logs off his computer."
"sure you do...somehow," hepzibah shrugged. "you can leave your guesses in the comments section. see ya!"
cardigan drained his beer. "why can't anything be simple?"
william shakespeare came over to bus the table. "as i always say, sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."
marian rolled her eyes at him. "you didn't say that; dr. seuss did."
"the man was a genius," shakepeare acknowledged as he carried the dirty dishes away, muttering lines under his breath. "to be or not to be/to flee or not to flee/a bee is not a flea/but i will flee to be..."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
100 Postings of Blogs on the Web, 100 Postings of Blogs...
"howdy, y'all!" gavin cardigan hollered out as he entered the pub. "what's for supper tonight, danny?"
"beef tenderloin pot pie," danny blake replied from behind the bar, pouring cardigan a Guinness.
"sounds good, danny. thank you."
blake shakes his hand. "don't thank me; thank maddog & her indulgent fiance, chris. they made it."
cardigan took his stout and walked over to join the others. "hey, maddog. hey, chris. thanks for the grub. what's the occasion?"
chris shrugged. "don't ask us, dude. you think we chose to be here?"
marian said, "we're celebrating burkie's 100th post!"
"there he is!" tucker pointed toward the door as burkie walked in, and strummed his guitar:
there's a twinkle in his eye
that his shades can't hide,
a 5 o'clock shadow
known far and wide,
he's our handsome creator
our host with the most
so let's give it up to burkie
for his hundreth post!
not for the first time, burkie seemed rather embarrassed by his creation's musical, er, gifts. "thanks, tucker. that's enough."
"happy 1ooth posting, burkie!" sierra greeted him.
"thanks, gang. this isn't really necessary, you know, but it's nice to see you all."
"no, thank you, sir." benjamin franklin walked over to shake burkie's hand. "thanks to you and your writings, i have discovered the most fascinating things!"
"oh, er, thank you mr. franklin," burkie stammered. "but that's not important. the reason i'm glad i'm that you're all here is that i want your advice about what i should blog about next year."
"you're abandoning us?" taylor dropped his fork.
"good!" judge st. bishop stated. "your cavalier disregard for historical accuracy has put us all into jeapardy!"
"that's not fair, burkie!" marian stomped her food, making a face.
"guess i'll never get a date now," cardigan muttered.
burkie sighed. "i'm not talking about you guys. i'll still write about you from time to time. i mean, 2008 was the Year of Bread for me; what is 2009 going the be the Year of?"
"the Year of Tattoos," Mysterious Lurker proposed. "you could get a new tattoo on your body every week and post a picture of it here." she showed off the mickey mouse tattoo on her arm.
"ew, i don't want to see burkie's tattooed body," sierra shuddered. "how about the Year of Bacon? you could do a year's worth of bacon recipes."
"that's not bad," burkie admitted, silently agreeing that even he didn't want to see pictures of his tattooed body. "but maybe not the healthiest idea. my cholesterol is a little high, you know."
"then you should do the Year of Fish," marian declared. "it's good for you."
"but kind of expensive," maddog pointed out. "and most of the people in your house don't eat fish."
"true," burkie frowned. "bread is pretty universally liked, except for the occasional blue cheese bread."
"the Year of Blood," taylor suggested. "you know, blood soup, blood sausage, blood cheese, fried blood, baked--"
"no!"
"i kind of like what thursday night countdown does," burkie mused. "every thursday night, she prepares a new recipe that she's never made from one of her growing pile of cookbooks. i, too, have a pile of cookbooks, and that would make sure i use them."
"pretty unoriginal," cardigan grunted. "can't you do better than that?"
"how about texas foods?" the judge suggested. "you know about that."
"yeah, but the homesick texan has that angle already."
"how about pizza?" blake asked. "that way, you could continue to work with yeast, but experience with different types of dough, baked or grill, and the toppings are limitless."
"plus, everyone in your house likes pizza," sierra noted.
"and it has cheese," marian the notorious cheese ho pointed out.
"yeah, but i don't know," burkie was doubtful. "i mean, i love pizza, but culinary in the desert does pizza every friday night."
"well, hell. why ask us for help when all you're going to do is shoot down everything we say? especially when you're the one saying it anyway, just using us to do it?" cardigan was clearly annoyed.
burkie scowled. "that hurts my head to think about what you just said. i count on you guys to help me out and inspire me. it's still october, so i don't have to figure this out tonight. i like all of your ideas...except yours, taylor. you're not a real vampire, remember? and it doesn't have to be just one thing, like bread was. so think about it and let me know. let's recap some of your ideas and some others i've had:
bacon
fish
texas food
pizza
never-before-made recipes from my growing pile of cookbooks
never-before-made recipes from my growing list of recipes bookmarked from other blogs
appetizers/tapas/small plates
vegetarian
canning/jarring/freezing/pickling
stocks & classic sauces
homemade pasta
indian food
vietnamese food
"that's it?!" cardigan was beyond irritated. "that's all this 100th blog celebration is about? your silly blog ideas? don't drag us into your esoteric thinking process. don't write about us if you're not going to write about us."
Special Assistant Hepzibah looked up from her notebook and nodded. "he's right, you know. you're being awfully selfish. they deserve better."
cardigan was surprised to have found an ally in burkie's industrious special assistant. "thanks, hep."
s.a. hepzibah stared daggers at him. "don't call me 'hep.'"
burkie looked abashed.
"hey, i want to look abashed!" marian pouted.
"do you even know what abashed means?" sierra asked. "i don't. and no, burkie, i don't need to take your class!"
"all right, guys. i'm sorry, you're right. next time, it's all about you, okay? in fact, we'll have a party."
"can i bring a date?"
"will there be a murder?"
"will it be a halloween party?"
"how many do i have to cook for?"
"forsooth, how many dirty dishes will i have to wash?"
"is that the correct use of forsooth?"
"surely you're not questioning my use of the word forsooth?!"
"i am, and don't call me shirley."
"i didn't call you shirley, i said surely. are you questioning my use of surely, now?"
"don't get your knickers in a twist, shakespeare, it's just a joke."
"these are not knickers, you lout, they're tights."
"knickers is such a cool word. i need to write a song about knickers."
marian snickered at the word knickers.
shakespeare and somebody else continued to bicker over knickers.
danny was considering new furniture for the Pub. perhaps wicker?
Mysterious Lurker revealed that her mickey mouse tattoo was, in fact, a sticker.
the lights began to flicker.
cardigan needed more liqour.
"beef tenderloin pot pie," danny blake replied from behind the bar, pouring cardigan a Guinness.
"sounds good, danny. thank you."
blake shakes his hand. "don't thank me; thank maddog & her indulgent fiance, chris. they made it."
cardigan took his stout and walked over to join the others. "hey, maddog. hey, chris. thanks for the grub. what's the occasion?"
chris shrugged. "don't ask us, dude. you think we chose to be here?"
marian said, "we're celebrating burkie's 100th post!"
"there he is!" tucker pointed toward the door as burkie walked in, and strummed his guitar:
there's a twinkle in his eye
that his shades can't hide,
a 5 o'clock shadow
known far and wide,
he's our handsome creator
our host with the most
so let's give it up to burkie
for his hundreth post!
not for the first time, burkie seemed rather embarrassed by his creation's musical, er, gifts. "thanks, tucker. that's enough."
"happy 1ooth posting, burkie!" sierra greeted him.
"thanks, gang. this isn't really necessary, you know, but it's nice to see you all."
"no, thank you, sir." benjamin franklin walked over to shake burkie's hand. "thanks to you and your writings, i have discovered the most fascinating things!"
"oh, er, thank you mr. franklin," burkie stammered. "but that's not important. the reason i'm glad i'm that you're all here is that i want your advice about what i should blog about next year."
"you're abandoning us?" taylor dropped his fork.
"good!" judge st. bishop stated. "your cavalier disregard for historical accuracy has put us all into jeapardy!"
"that's not fair, burkie!" marian stomped her food, making a face.
"guess i'll never get a date now," cardigan muttered.
burkie sighed. "i'm not talking about you guys. i'll still write about you from time to time. i mean, 2008 was the Year of Bread for me; what is 2009 going the be the Year of?"
"the Year of Tattoos," Mysterious Lurker proposed. "you could get a new tattoo on your body every week and post a picture of it here." she showed off the mickey mouse tattoo on her arm.
"ew, i don't want to see burkie's tattooed body," sierra shuddered. "how about the Year of Bacon? you could do a year's worth of bacon recipes."
"that's not bad," burkie admitted, silently agreeing that even he didn't want to see pictures of his tattooed body. "but maybe not the healthiest idea. my cholesterol is a little high, you know."
"then you should do the Year of Fish," marian declared. "it's good for you."
"but kind of expensive," maddog pointed out. "and most of the people in your house don't eat fish."
"true," burkie frowned. "bread is pretty universally liked, except for the occasional blue cheese bread."
"the Year of Blood," taylor suggested. "you know, blood soup, blood sausage, blood cheese, fried blood, baked--"
"no!"
"i kind of like what thursday night countdown does," burkie mused. "every thursday night, she prepares a new recipe that she's never made from one of her growing pile of cookbooks. i, too, have a pile of cookbooks, and that would make sure i use them."
"pretty unoriginal," cardigan grunted. "can't you do better than that?"
"how about texas foods?" the judge suggested. "you know about that."
"yeah, but the homesick texan has that angle already."
"how about pizza?" blake asked. "that way, you could continue to work with yeast, but experience with different types of dough, baked or grill, and the toppings are limitless."
"plus, everyone in your house likes pizza," sierra noted.
"and it has cheese," marian the notorious cheese ho pointed out.
"yeah, but i don't know," burkie was doubtful. "i mean, i love pizza, but culinary in the desert does pizza every friday night."
"well, hell. why ask us for help when all you're going to do is shoot down everything we say? especially when you're the one saying it anyway, just using us to do it?" cardigan was clearly annoyed.
burkie scowled. "that hurts my head to think about what you just said. i count on you guys to help me out and inspire me. it's still october, so i don't have to figure this out tonight. i like all of your ideas...except yours, taylor. you're not a real vampire, remember? and it doesn't have to be just one thing, like bread was. so think about it and let me know. let's recap some of your ideas and some others i've had:
bacon
fish
texas food
pizza
never-before-made recipes from my growing pile of cookbooks
never-before-made recipes from my growing list of recipes bookmarked from other blogs
appetizers/tapas/small plates
vegetarian
canning/jarring/freezing/pickling
stocks & classic sauces
homemade pasta
indian food
vietnamese food
"that's it?!" cardigan was beyond irritated. "that's all this 100th blog celebration is about? your silly blog ideas? don't drag us into your esoteric thinking process. don't write about us if you're not going to write about us."
Special Assistant Hepzibah looked up from her notebook and nodded. "he's right, you know. you're being awfully selfish. they deserve better."
cardigan was surprised to have found an ally in burkie's industrious special assistant. "thanks, hep."
s.a. hepzibah stared daggers at him. "don't call me 'hep.'"
burkie looked abashed.
"hey, i want to look abashed!" marian pouted.
"do you even know what abashed means?" sierra asked. "i don't. and no, burkie, i don't need to take your class!"
"all right, guys. i'm sorry, you're right. next time, it's all about you, okay? in fact, we'll have a party."
"can i bring a date?"
"will there be a murder?"
"will it be a halloween party?"
"how many do i have to cook for?"
"forsooth, how many dirty dishes will i have to wash?"
"is that the correct use of forsooth?"
"surely you're not questioning my use of the word forsooth?!"
"i am, and don't call me shirley."
"i didn't call you shirley, i said surely. are you questioning my use of surely, now?"
"don't get your knickers in a twist, shakespeare, it's just a joke."
"these are not knickers, you lout, they're tights."
"knickers is such a cool word. i need to write a song about knickers."
marian snickered at the word knickers.
shakespeare and somebody else continued to bicker over knickers.
danny was considering new furniture for the Pub. perhaps wicker?
Mysterious Lurker revealed that her mickey mouse tattoo was, in fact, a sticker.
the lights began to flicker.
cardigan needed more liqour.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Take Two Aspirin & Blog Me In The Morning
"ugh," gavin cardigan grunted as he entered the pub.
"back at ya," danny blake replied with a snarl. "what's your problem? no wait, let me guess....hangover?"
cardigan nodded. "a doozey. i'd ask for a hair of the dog, but i didn't get drunk in the first place. i have no idea why i feel like this."
"join the club," blake murmured, pouring his friend a Guinness. "we all feel like that today." his gesture took in the others in the pub, all looking rather the worse for wear.
"what's that smell?" cardigan sniffed at the spicy, strong scent perfuming the air, noting the steaming bowls on the table in front of his friends.
"menudo," danny was already pouring a ladlefull into a heavy bowl for him. "best hangover cure ever."
"if you say so," cardigan sounded doubtful as he joined the others with his beer and menudo. "how did this happen to us?"
sierra charles shrugged as she scraped her spoon around her empty bowl. "beats me, but i can't really complain if it means eating menudo. this stuff is terrific, danny!" she pointed her spoon at her empty bowl.
marian was poking at her laptop. "i'm at a lost. i'm looking everywhere for some kind of medical explanation and am coming up empty."
"it should be good inspiration for a country song, though," linda nulo noted, turning toward her lanky boyfriend. "don't you think, hon?"
tucker swallowed the last of his menudo, shaking his shaggy head. "if i'd really been drinking, i could knock something out, but without knowing why i feel this way...i got nothing."
special assistant hepzibah slumped into the pub at that moment. "i can explain." she sat down next to marian, looked at the menudo and shuddered. "i'd rather suffer, danny. thanks, anyway."
"what happened, hepzibah?" the dishwater blond Mysterious Lurker asked. "where's burkie?"
"typing," s.a. hepzibah answered. "about this. see, he was at a different tavern last night, ordered a beer, and then the owner kept sending more his way before he could finish the one he was drinking. so, we feel this way because burkie feels this way."
"and he's taking it out on us!" marian made a face, then winced. "ouch. my face hurts."
"how'd burkie charm the owner?" taylor wondered. "threaten to put him in his blog as a zombie or something?"
"no, he wasn't buying drinks for burkie only. he was buying drinks for everybody. and you know burkie, he's such a sweet guy--" she glared at cardigan until he stopped coughing, "--he drank the beer. and the next. and the next. he hasn't had this much to drink since st. patrick's day, 1984!"
"so, burkie's hung over and he's making us feel it, too," tucker mused. he strummed a couple of chords and shook his head. "nope, still nothing."
"actually," hepzibah admitted with some annoyance, "he doesn't feel hung over at all. he's shocked that he doesn't, actually. he just doesn't want it to catch up with him, so he's channeling any hangover qi he may have into us."
"hangover qi?" sierra was skeptical. "wtf?!"
"yeah, even i don't buy into that concept," the Lurker had borrowed marian's mirror, wishing she could borrow her scowl as well as she examined her still-dishwater blond locks.
s.a. hepzibah shrugged. "hey, don't shoot the messenger."
"can we shoot burkie?" cardigan growled around a mouthful of menudo.
"then officer shakalaka could come interrogate us," the Lurker noted mischeviously, "right, hepzibah?"
s.a. hepzibah put her hands on her stomach to calm the butterflies. "uh, you know, that menudo doesn't look too bad...."
"back at ya," danny blake replied with a snarl. "what's your problem? no wait, let me guess....hangover?"
cardigan nodded. "a doozey. i'd ask for a hair of the dog, but i didn't get drunk in the first place. i have no idea why i feel like this."
"join the club," blake murmured, pouring his friend a Guinness. "we all feel like that today." his gesture took in the others in the pub, all looking rather the worse for wear.
"what's that smell?" cardigan sniffed at the spicy, strong scent perfuming the air, noting the steaming bowls on the table in front of his friends.
"menudo," danny was already pouring a ladlefull into a heavy bowl for him. "best hangover cure ever."
"if you say so," cardigan sounded doubtful as he joined the others with his beer and menudo. "how did this happen to us?"
sierra charles shrugged as she scraped her spoon around her empty bowl. "beats me, but i can't really complain if it means eating menudo. this stuff is terrific, danny!" she pointed her spoon at her empty bowl.
marian was poking at her laptop. "i'm at a lost. i'm looking everywhere for some kind of medical explanation and am coming up empty."
"it should be good inspiration for a country song, though," linda nulo noted, turning toward her lanky boyfriend. "don't you think, hon?"
tucker swallowed the last of his menudo, shaking his shaggy head. "if i'd really been drinking, i could knock something out, but without knowing why i feel this way...i got nothing."
special assistant hepzibah slumped into the pub at that moment. "i can explain." she sat down next to marian, looked at the menudo and shuddered. "i'd rather suffer, danny. thanks, anyway."
"what happened, hepzibah?" the dishwater blond Mysterious Lurker asked. "where's burkie?"
"typing," s.a. hepzibah answered. "about this. see, he was at a different tavern last night, ordered a beer, and then the owner kept sending more his way before he could finish the one he was drinking. so, we feel this way because burkie feels this way."
"and he's taking it out on us!" marian made a face, then winced. "ouch. my face hurts."
"how'd burkie charm the owner?" taylor wondered. "threaten to put him in his blog as a zombie or something?"
"no, he wasn't buying drinks for burkie only. he was buying drinks for everybody. and you know burkie, he's such a sweet guy--" she glared at cardigan until he stopped coughing, "--he drank the beer. and the next. and the next. he hasn't had this much to drink since st. patrick's day, 1984!"
"so, burkie's hung over and he's making us feel it, too," tucker mused. he strummed a couple of chords and shook his head. "nope, still nothing."
"actually," hepzibah admitted with some annoyance, "he doesn't feel hung over at all. he's shocked that he doesn't, actually. he just doesn't want it to catch up with him, so he's channeling any hangover qi he may have into us."
"hangover qi?" sierra was skeptical. "wtf?!"
"yeah, even i don't buy into that concept," the Lurker had borrowed marian's mirror, wishing she could borrow her scowl as well as she examined her still-dishwater blond locks.
s.a. hepzibah shrugged. "hey, don't shoot the messenger."
"can we shoot burkie?" cardigan growled around a mouthful of menudo.
"then officer shakalaka could come interrogate us," the Lurker noted mischeviously, "right, hepzibah?"
s.a. hepzibah put her hands on her stomach to calm the butterflies. "uh, you know, that menudo doesn't look too bad...."
Monday, April 21, 2008
A Mermaid Walks Into a Bar....
"hey, danny boy! what's on the menu tonight?" gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, calling out to his friend behind the bar.
"asparagus-croque monsiuer," danny blake replied, pouring a bass ale for cardigan. "nice beard," he nodded toward cardigan's jet black whiskers, stroking his own reddish beard.
"thanks," cardigan took the proferred beer and walked over to join the regular crowd. "nice beard, taylor. nice beard, tucker."
"all right, already. enough with the beards," burkie grumbled over in the corner. "i know i haven't written about you guys in a while--i get the point. but unlike you characters, i'm a real person with real responsibilities. i can't live in fantasyland all the time."
cardigan stood dumbfounded, staring at the figure seated next to their handsome creator. "uh, who....what....is that?"
"that's special assistant hepzibah," sierra explained.
"oh, right. hi, hepzibah." he hesitated. "why are you wearing a dolphin costume?"
"hi, gavin." she replied. "it's a porpoise, actually. maddog won a blogging award, so burkie is trying to win it now."
marian snickered. "it's Blogging with a Purpose, burkie, not Porpoise."
s.a. hepzibah turned toward burkie, staring daggers at him. "i told you!"
tucker began strumming his guitar:
hepzibah,
the part-time mermaid
left her job
as a full-time handmaid
her neck is marred
by a sponge-bob bandaid
special assistant hepzibah
hepzibah turned her stare in tucker's direction, and he cleared his throat, setting his guitar down. "i think i'll take my break now," he muttered, walking over to sit next to linda nulo, who kissed him on the cheek.
Mysterious Lurker turned to tucker eagerly. "why did she have a bandaid on her neck? did taylor bite her?"
"i don't know," tucker said slowly, looking askance at s.a. hepzibah. "i guess we'll never find out."
blake brought over cardigan's sandwich. "eat up, hoss."
cardigan crunched into the sandwich, nodding approval in blake's direction.
"burkie, we need to talk!" marian put her hands on her hips and stomped her foot.
"what's wrong, marian?"
"why don't you like us anymore? it's been weeks since you wrote about us."
burkie sighed. "it's not that i don't like you anymore, madelyn, it's--
"marian! my name is marian!" marian scrunched up her face is annoyance.
"marian," burkie corrected himself. "i've just been busy, and i haven't felt well, and i've been pursuing other interests. i was coming back to you, really i was."
"you owe us!" the Lurker interjected, twirling her light brown hair in her fingers. "we've been sitting around this dingy bar with nothing to do, stunting our growth and development as characters."
"what do you want, then?" burkie asked.
"courage!"
"brains!"
"a heart!"
burkie lowered his head down into his hands. "goodbye blogging award," he muttered.
"asparagus-croque monsiuer," danny blake replied, pouring a bass ale for cardigan. "nice beard," he nodded toward cardigan's jet black whiskers, stroking his own reddish beard.
"thanks," cardigan took the proferred beer and walked over to join the regular crowd. "nice beard, taylor. nice beard, tucker."
"all right, already. enough with the beards," burkie grumbled over in the corner. "i know i haven't written about you guys in a while--i get the point. but unlike you characters, i'm a real person with real responsibilities. i can't live in fantasyland all the time."
cardigan stood dumbfounded, staring at the figure seated next to their handsome creator. "uh, who....what....is that?"
"that's special assistant hepzibah," sierra explained.
"oh, right. hi, hepzibah." he hesitated. "why are you wearing a dolphin costume?"
"hi, gavin." she replied. "it's a porpoise, actually. maddog won a blogging award, so burkie is trying to win it now."
marian snickered. "it's Blogging with a Purpose, burkie, not Porpoise."
s.a. hepzibah turned toward burkie, staring daggers at him. "i told you!"
tucker began strumming his guitar:
hepzibah,
the part-time mermaid
left her job
as a full-time handmaid
her neck is marred
by a sponge-bob bandaid
special assistant hepzibah
hepzibah turned her stare in tucker's direction, and he cleared his throat, setting his guitar down. "i think i'll take my break now," he muttered, walking over to sit next to linda nulo, who kissed him on the cheek.
Mysterious Lurker turned to tucker eagerly. "why did she have a bandaid on her neck? did taylor bite her?"
"i don't know," tucker said slowly, looking askance at s.a. hepzibah. "i guess we'll never find out."
blake brought over cardigan's sandwich. "eat up, hoss."
cardigan crunched into the sandwich, nodding approval in blake's direction.
"burkie, we need to talk!" marian put her hands on her hips and stomped her foot.
"what's wrong, marian?"
"why don't you like us anymore? it's been weeks since you wrote about us."
burkie sighed. "it's not that i don't like you anymore, madelyn, it's--
"marian! my name is marian!" marian scrunched up her face is annoyance.
"marian," burkie corrected himself. "i've just been busy, and i haven't felt well, and i've been pursuing other interests. i was coming back to you, really i was."
"you owe us!" the Lurker interjected, twirling her light brown hair in her fingers. "we've been sitting around this dingy bar with nothing to do, stunting our growth and development as characters."
"what do you want, then?" burkie asked.
"courage!"
"brains!"
"a heart!"
burkie lowered his head down into his hands. "goodbye blogging award," he muttered.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
It's Not Where You Are, But Where You Aren't
gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, as is his wont, and yelled out to his buddy, as is his wont, "hey, danny boy! what're we eating tonight?"
"vietnamese shaking beef with watercress," came danny blake's answer, already pouring a beer.
"thank you, sir," cardigan took the glass and walked back to his customary table to join the others. "howdy, y'all."
"hi, gavin," marian elfman welcomed him to the table. "how's business?"
cardigan grunted. "oh, it's okay, i guess. i ran down a deadbeat dad today, so i closed that case. a new client wants me to look into the backgrounds of a couple of local college football players who could be drafted by the NFL next month."
"really? which school do they play for?" taylor asked eagerly, and indeed, they all leaned in closer.
"a local school is all i know," cardigan replied glumly. "i'm sorry, guys, i wish i knew more, too."
"i thought you were supposed to be the world's greatest detective, gavin," linda nulo sighed. "can't you figure out where we're supposed to be?"
"burkie won't tell me anything," cardigan grumbled. "you know how clever he is."
sierra charles nodded knowingly. "true. remember when he wore shoes from two different pairs once?"
"and how he thought the water pump on a car was the thing that sprayed water on your windshield?" blake added as he brought cardigan's salad to the table.
"i've given this matter much thought," marian noted. "i think we can reason this out. remember when we were talking about vacation spots? that means we obviously aren't in new york, santa fe, or a place with warm, sunny beaches."
"and now we know there is at least one university here," added Mysterious Lurker, her jet black hair blending in with the shadows behind her.
"and it gets blustery cold at times," cardigan mused, thinking about how he sometimes enters the pub to get out of the wind. "maybe it's chicago?"
"burkie's never been to chicago," a voice spoke up behind them.
"hello, who are you?" sierra asked the newcomer.
"Special Assistant Hepzibah. i'm burkie's, er, special assistant."
"hepzibah?" tucker sounded excited and started strumming his guitar.
"that's okay, tucker. i don't need a song, really." s.a. hepzibah implored him, but it was too late.
hepzibah was a desert rose
she wore a red stone in her nose
she had a runner in her hose
my little desert rose
"really, tucker, it's not necessary."
the sunshine kissed her golden skin
pride was her favorite deadly sin
it's where she's going, not where she's been
she is my yang, i am her yin
linda shook her head, and the Lurker patted her shoulder sympathetically.
"does this mean that wherever we are, it's a place that burkie has been to?" sierra broke in.
"correct," s.a. hepzibah replied. "it doesn't mean he knows it well, but he has at least done more than simply drive by it, which is the case with chicago."
"what's burkie got against chicago?" judge st. bishop demanded, storming in.
"nothing," s.a. hepzibah responded. "at least, not to my knowledge. he likes their football team. the cubs, right?"
"the bears," they all reply in unison.
"anyway, i don't think he has anything against chicago."
"well, he should go there sometime and find out for himself before he categorically eliminates it!" the judge declared.
"i'm sure he will someday, but his schedule is kind of full at the moment, what with planning his trip to italy. that's why i'm here tonight instead of him. he says hello, though."
"italy? can we go?" sierra perked up.
"well, i guess. i mean, you aren't real, so you can go wherever you want." s.a. hepzibah answered slowly.
she followed me to italy
and even on to sicily
we toured the sights extensively
arm-in-arm, companionably
"i guess that means we're not in italy, either," marian noted as she typed it into her "Where Are We?" spreadsheet under the "Eliminated" column.
"vietnamese shaking beef with watercress," came danny blake's answer, already pouring a beer.
"thank you, sir," cardigan took the glass and walked back to his customary table to join the others. "howdy, y'all."
"hi, gavin," marian elfman welcomed him to the table. "how's business?"
cardigan grunted. "oh, it's okay, i guess. i ran down a deadbeat dad today, so i closed that case. a new client wants me to look into the backgrounds of a couple of local college football players who could be drafted by the NFL next month."
"really? which school do they play for?" taylor asked eagerly, and indeed, they all leaned in closer.
"a local school is all i know," cardigan replied glumly. "i'm sorry, guys, i wish i knew more, too."
"i thought you were supposed to be the world's greatest detective, gavin," linda nulo sighed. "can't you figure out where we're supposed to be?"
"burkie won't tell me anything," cardigan grumbled. "you know how clever he is."
sierra charles nodded knowingly. "true. remember when he wore shoes from two different pairs once?"
"and how he thought the water pump on a car was the thing that sprayed water on your windshield?" blake added as he brought cardigan's salad to the table.
"i've given this matter much thought," marian noted. "i think we can reason this out. remember when we were talking about vacation spots? that means we obviously aren't in new york, santa fe, or a place with warm, sunny beaches."
"and now we know there is at least one university here," added Mysterious Lurker, her jet black hair blending in with the shadows behind her.
"and it gets blustery cold at times," cardigan mused, thinking about how he sometimes enters the pub to get out of the wind. "maybe it's chicago?"
"burkie's never been to chicago," a voice spoke up behind them.
"hello, who are you?" sierra asked the newcomer.
"Special Assistant Hepzibah. i'm burkie's, er, special assistant."
"hepzibah?" tucker sounded excited and started strumming his guitar.
"that's okay, tucker. i don't need a song, really." s.a. hepzibah implored him, but it was too late.
hepzibah was a desert rose
she wore a red stone in her nose
she had a runner in her hose
my little desert rose
"really, tucker, it's not necessary."
the sunshine kissed her golden skin
pride was her favorite deadly sin
it's where she's going, not where she's been
she is my yang, i am her yin
linda shook her head, and the Lurker patted her shoulder sympathetically.
"does this mean that wherever we are, it's a place that burkie has been to?" sierra broke in.
"correct," s.a. hepzibah replied. "it doesn't mean he knows it well, but he has at least done more than simply drive by it, which is the case with chicago."
"what's burkie got against chicago?" judge st. bishop demanded, storming in.
"nothing," s.a. hepzibah responded. "at least, not to my knowledge. he likes their football team. the cubs, right?"
"the bears," they all reply in unison.
"anyway, i don't think he has anything against chicago."
"well, he should go there sometime and find out for himself before he categorically eliminates it!" the judge declared.
"i'm sure he will someday, but his schedule is kind of full at the moment, what with planning his trip to italy. that's why i'm here tonight instead of him. he says hello, though."
"italy? can we go?" sierra perked up.
"well, i guess. i mean, you aren't real, so you can go wherever you want." s.a. hepzibah answered slowly.
she followed me to italy
and even on to sicily
we toured the sights extensively
arm-in-arm, companionably
"i guess that means we're not in italy, either," marian noted as she typed it into her "Where Are We?" spreadsheet under the "Eliminated" column.
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