Spaghetti alla Carbonara (My Way)

one of my favorite things to eat.  and since it's my way?  i'll tell you how i did it!  (wow, am i becoming a real food blogger?)  this is far from authentic.  if you are a person who only likes authentically prepared dishes, you might want to stop reading.  if you like healthy recipes, you might want to stop reading.

still here?  okay, first thing is put a big pot o' water on to boil.  then, chop up a pound of bacon.  yeah, a pound.  and slice a big yellow onion.  saute them together in some extra virgin olive oil.  after about five minutes, throw in some sliced mushroom.  about 10 minutes later, when the bacon looks cooked, throw in a couple of cloves of chopped garlic.  after a couple of minutes, pour in about a third cup of sherry (not traditional.  white wine works great and is more traditional, but i love sherry with 'shrooms).  now throw a box of spaghetti (well, not the box) into the boiling, salted water.  oh, and thaw some frozen peas in the microwave.  now, over in a very, very large bowl, beat together 3 large eggs, 2 large egg yolks, about 6 Tbsp of heavy cream, some grated pecorino romano & reggiano parmigiano (that's romano & parmesan cheeses)--about 1/3 cup total.  pour in the bacon, onion, and mushroom mixture (fat and all) and stir together.  now, spaghetti should be almost done.  take out about 1/4 c. of the boiling pasta water and gradually stir it into the bacon & egg mixture.  drain the pasta, then pour the pasta into the bacon & egg mixture, tossing well to get all the noodles coated, then cover the bowl with a lid, foil, or whatever you have and leave it for about 5 minutes.  the heat from the pasta will cook the eggs in an unctious, lovely sauce that sticks lovingly to the pasta.  now stir in the peas.  place a portion on a plate, thrown on some chopped parsley, kosher salt, and freshly ground black pepper.  enjoy.  and you will enjoy, trust me.  i want more.

Tribal Council

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and gazed in wonder at pegs on the wall, which held every manner of outer garmet imaginable.  he finally found an unoccupied peg for his trench & fedora, then walked over to greet his friend danny blake behind the bar.

"what's going on?" he asked, using his outside voice as the din in the Pub was louder than usual.

"burkie brought everybody in today for a major announcement of some kind," danny replied, filling a pint with Guinness.  "want some frito pie to go with that?"

gavin rolled his eyes.  "i won't even dignify that with a response.  but, if i were to respond, i would no doubt demand a double helping."

he took his pint and worked his way through the throng, greeting some characters he hadn't seen in a while before taking a seat between sierra charles & a blondish Mysterious Lurker.

"what's this big announcement about?"

the Lurker shrugged.  "burkie didn't write a draft of this post, so i haven't been able to lurk into it."

"i just hope it has nothing to do with my social life," sierra noted.  "i think he's gone to that well too often."

sierra's sister, foxy, came rushing in.  "i haven't missed it yet, have i?"  she asked, a little breathlessly, giving gavin a hug.

"nope," gavin told her, a little breathless himself.  "looks like he's getting ready, though."

he pointed toward their handsome creator, who walked onto the stage and took hold of tucker's mic.

"thanks for coming, everyone.  i call you here today because, well, the Pub has become a tad overpopulated.  i think i speak on behalf of all the readers when i say that i don't know half of you half as well i should like, and i like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." 

burkie paused here to allow for an appreciative chuckle from the audience at this bilbo bagginsism, but it wasn't forthcoming.

"hmph.  well, as i was saying, i have created too many characters here for me to develop adequately while still giving the more established characters their due.  so, bottom line, one of you has to go.  permanently."

this created an immediate buzz around the Pub. 

"well, this should be interesting," danny remarked as he dropped off gavin's double-portioned frito pie.

"i think you have immunity since you own the Pub," sierra noted as she stole a frito from gavin's bowl.

"so do you, gavin," linda nulo pointed out, a bit annoyingly, "since every chapter begins with you."

"the way we'll do this is that hep here will call your names one at a time and you'll have the opportunity to state why you should be allowed to remain."  burkie turned to his special assistant and nodded for her to begin.

s.a. hepzibah glared at him.  "don't call me hep!"  she looked at her notebook and called out gavin's name.

his mouth full of frito pie, gavin mumbled, "because chicks dig me."

hepzibah suppressed a giggle, then called out "danny blake."

"chicks dig me," danny replied.

hepzibah copied & pasted, then called out, "sierra charles!"

"chicks dig me."

"all right, now cut that out!" burkie fumed.  "this is serious business, people.  we're deciding somebody's fate here."

"i say, shouldn't those of us who don't have labels be granted some sort of immunity?" taylor young  suggested.  "we're so well established that people don't need to be reminded who we are."

"that's a good point," burkie had to admit.

"and tucker," Mysterious Lurker put in.  "even though he has a label, that's just to make it easier for people to find his brilliant songs.  he belongs here as much as anybody."

"aw, thanks Lurker," tucker blushed.  "i think linda should get immunity, too, since she's had her own snapshot chapter.  that should get you immunity, right?"

"as has foxy," gavin put in.  "plus, she's family.  and, if she goes, i go."

foxy beamed at gavin.  "thanks, gav.  then i'll put in a plug for juliet, as she's family, too."

juliet charles curtsied in acknowledgement.  "thanks, sis!"

"and," hepzibah pointed out, "juliet was part of the 55 chapters that nobody knows about.  i think that everybody who appeared in that should have immunity, since that's almost a third of our published chapters.  so, in addition to those to whom we've already granted immunity, that includes ben franklin, the judge, monte, shakespeare, burkie's friend ava, the black darter, and boom-boom."  her relief was evident as she read off boom-boom's name.

this created another buzz around the Pub.

"what 55 chapters?"

"monte?!"

"why don't i remember that?"

"i hope i didn't go on any blind dates."

"the darter?!  you've got to be kidding me!"

"that's probably where all my character development went."

"hmph."

"ruff!"

judge st. bishop banged his gavel on a table.  "order in the Pub!  order in the Pub!  who does that leave, hepzibah?"

"let's see," she ran her finger down the page.  "the witches (ruby, pearl, and esmerrrrelda); the ghost of christmas present; dash chandler; burkie's arch nemesis, archibald knememis; carlotta 2.0; and...oh."  she gave burkie a sheepish glance.  "burkie and myself."

burkie gave her an irritated look.  "i obviously have immunity, and i can't do this without you.  that leaves us with the witches, who come as a package; the ghost; my arch nemesis; carlotta 2.0; and the kindly dash chandler."

"why don't we let the readers decide?"  marian suggested.  "it's awkward for us characters to kill off one of our own."

"unless it's the darter," the Lurker noted.

"good idea, marian!"  burkie nodded, and turned to address monitors all around the world.  "readers, please let us know which of the following you want to kick out of the Pub."

1) the witches
2) the ghost of christmas present
3) archibald knemesis
4) dash chandler
5) carlotta 2.0

Frito Pie

i feel silly posting about frito pie, but there are some people up here in these parts who've never had the pleasure.  so, here you are!  simply toss some fritos in a bowl, ladle some chili on top, top with grated cheese and chopped onion.  that's it.  adding more toppings would actually subtract from the dish (it's a zen thing).  speaking of adding toppings, i will never understand why somebody decided that it's a good idea to add black olives to tex-mex dishes.  it's not. 
as for the chili, use whatever you like, but i think a simple chili that uses coarse-ground beef is ideal for this, rather than one that uses chunks of chuck beef or a white chili.  i really cheated with this one, using coarse-ground beef and carol shelby's chili mix, to which i added some smoked paprika and some new mexico chile powder, some extra onion powder, a can of pintos, and a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes that had been spun through the food processor.

Cream Cheese Pound Cake

this is my favorite cake, and one of the very best things i make.  it's a cream cheese pound cake.  i have the recipe on an index card.  i wrote it down 20 years ago, but i have no idea where i got it: book, magazine, newspaper, coworker...no clue.  but, i figure that the statue of limitations is up so...what the hell, i'll post the recipe!  my variation, anyway.  (it's short too, so that helps)

2 sticks of unsalted butter, softened
1 8-oz. block of Philadelphia cream cheese, softened (i tried a store brand once; it wasn't as good)
3 c. sugar
6 eggs (at room temperature)
3 c. minus 6 Tblsp. all-purpose flour (this is my variation)
2 tsp. vanilla

in your mixer, cream together the butter and cream cheese until fluffy, gradually add sugar.  beat in eggs one at a time.  add the flour a little at a time until incorporated, and finally add the vanilla.  pour into a greased/floured bundt pan.  place into a cold oven, close the door (very important), turn the oven on, and set it to 325°.  bake for 1 hour 15 minutes (check 5 minutes early) or until a cake tester/toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.  set on a rack and cool.  invert onto a serving plate.  the cake will crumble near the bottom all the way around.  that's just the way it is.  deal with it, and enjoy.  you will thank me for this recipe.