Wikipubia

"good evening, everybody!" cardigan called out as he entered the pub.

"gavin," danny blake nodded in greeting as he poured a beer.

"what's on the menu tonight, danny?"

"chilaquiles."

cardigan breathed in deeply. "remind me to thank burkie for bringing me here tonight."

"cardigan, come on over here and help us out," sierra called him over.

"what's up? oh, hi hepzibah."

"hello, gavin," special assistant hepzibah replied from behind the laptop she was sharing with marian. "we're creating a wiki for the pub."

"a wiki? why?"

"to help people keep track of what's going on here, who's who, who's sleeping with whom, all that stuff. burkie blogs so infrequently that people might forget what's going on, so they can always go to the wiki tag to get the lowdown," marian explained, a little smugly.

"it was marian's idea," taylor pointed out.

"uh huh," caridgan muttered, taking a sip. "i guess it's not a bad idea at that. burkie probably needs it the most. he probably makes the Lurker's hair change color to spare himself the effort of remembering what color it is."

"let's get started," marian stated.

CAST

gavin cardigan - a private detective with a welsh name. single. harbors negative feelings toward burkie because of his single status. may be pursuing a relationship with mayoral assistant kim park. alas, it didn't work out. as usual.

danny blake - owner/chef/bartender of Poor Yorick's Pub. only serves bass ale and guinness stout. cooks and serves only one food item per day, depending on what he feels like making. single, though there are hints that he may be in a relationship with the Mysterious Lurker. his name was originally donnie craig, but he had to change it.

sierra charles - a D-list celebrity who appears on lame reality shows and obscure advertising campaigns. big break was in a zz top video, dancing in a cage. single, though her mother and others try to set her up with nice young men. she seems to find a flaw with every one of them. allegedly has a thing for vampires and those with pointy ears. often seen stealing food from cardigan's plate.

marian elfman - syndicated columnist who writes an advice column called "don't be so melodramatic!" in a committed relationship with taylor young. known to make interesting faces. likes to make spreadsheets. rumored to have had a baker's dozen of ex-boyfriends with nursery rhyme names.

taylor young - a vampire of limited and rather dubious disctinction. can grow impressive fangs, but that's about all. clumsy. in a committed relationship with marian elfman. has decided that he's british, from Stow-on-the-Wold in the cotswolds region.

Mysterious Lurker - a lurker with mysterious qualities, such as changing her hair & eye color at will, as well as tattoos, and has even demonstrated the ability to do the same for cardigan welsh corgis. appears and disappears suddenly. reads tarot cards and has been known to help cardigan in his work in this way. may be in a relationship with danny blake.

tucker - a singer/songwriter/guitar player. performs at times in the pub. can write a song on almost any subject at the drop of a hat, but they don't always receive positive reviews. in a relationship with linda nulo. unknown if tucker is his first or last or only name.

linda nulo - tucker's girlfriend. a texan. has been known to complain about a lack of character development. recently discovered that she's a 3-time barrel racing champion.

judge st. bishop - a judge. often has a stormy entrance, alarmed that burkie's blatant disregard for history could cause irreparable harm to the space-time continuum. has discerning tastes and is a big fan of danny's cooking. his relationship status is unknown.

the black darter (dat rhaymes) - a would-be vigilante who shoots villians with darts through a blowgun of limited range. a figure of snickering rather than praise at this point. his day job is doing research for the local newspaper. doubtlessly single.

benjamin franklin - founding father, colonial rennaisance man. randomly appears in the pub, but nobody knows how or why. he is not dead. philadelphia eagles fan. enjoys playing the Wii.

foxy charles - a professor of sociology. sierra's little sister. co-writing a book with burkie about popular american culture, aimed toward immigrants and first generation americans. single, but known to make cardigan go weak in the knees.

monte - a cardigan welsh corgi. formerly belonged to the mayor, now belongs to the pub. an accomplished pizza chef.

william shakespeare - elizabethan dramatist and poet, arguably the greatest writer that the english language has ever known. currently working as a busboy in the pub.

spock - a vulcan with pointy ears and no sense of humor. a former busboy in the pub.

buddy lee - a creepy baby doll that wears denim jeans and flannel shirts. a former busboy in the pub. rumored to be in a relationship with lucy liu.

geoffrey pompousass - a pompous ass. former busboy in the pub. relationship status unknown, but there's somebody for everyone, right?

special assistant (s.a.) hepzibah - burkie's special assistant. she seems to have a crush on officer shakalaka.

sgt. tarboom (boom-boom) shakalaka - a police officer who is suspicious of the Mysterious Lurker's mysterious ways. she seems to have an unsettling effect on s.a. hepzibah.

maddog - a friend of burkie's who bakes. married to chris.

chris - maddog's indulgent husband. likes good beer.

angel - a vampire of distinction, friend of taylor's. single.

burkie - their handsome creator. well, he didn't create maddog or chris. or benjamin franklin. or shakespeare. or spock or buddy lee, but he created everyone else. they are all fictional, obviously. fictional!

ava reinier - burkie's friend ava. she tends to speak in palindromes. appears to be single.

otis - a friend of danny's. nothing more is known about him.

belinda starre - her friends call her belle. to say anything more would be a spoiler.

sean IX (sean the ninth) - a man of more than 30 years and red hair who has a rather overinflated opinion of both himself and t.s. eliot, and no doubt many other subjects.

sierra's dates: the rubberband man, the muppet guy, the crooner, jacob black, stoney case, horace humboldt.

juliet charles - brother (given name julius) of sierra and foxy. as julius, a personal trainer by day. as crossdressing juliet at night and on weekends, performs in a mermaid show.

marian's exes - j³ (given name is john jacob jingleheimer schmidt); wee willie winkie; cole king (given name is king cole).

the witches - three crones who occupy another corner of the Pub and closely follow the shenanigans of cardigan & company: Pearl, an elderly asian woman; Esmerelda, an elderly hispanic woman; and Ruby, an elderly white woman.

the ghost of christmas present - resident ghost. apparently has great abs.

lily - danny blake's long-lost twin sister. her name was annie before they were separated at age 10.

lucy - danny and lily's aunt (their mother's sister).  her name used to be brenda.

mack - a black truck driver who became lily's savior. she calls him uncle mack.

sophie - mack's wife. she's half-black, half-white. she and mack raise lily in their home outside new orleans.

archibald knemesis - burkie's arch nemesis.

father leo - catholic priest at St. Barbara's Catholic Church in New Orleans.  a friend to lily.

dash chandler - an elderly man who suffers amnesia.  works part-time for cardigan.

rabbi ori - an old rabbi who plays chess with young danny blake.

carlotta - a Computer-Assisted Research program, version 2.0.  an animated program with personality, she assists marian in performing internet research.  a vampire version, carpathia, assists taylor.

marian and hepzibah exchanged a high-five. "we're done!"

cardigan dug into his chilaquiles. "i didn't realize we were so pathetic."

sierra nodded in agreement. "i feel more like a K-list celebrity."

shakespeare walked over to collect plates. "how do you think i feel? like a dull actor now, i have forgot my part, and i am out, even to a full disgrace."

"i'll drink to that," cardigan drained his pint.

CYA: Juliet & The Darter Go Alternative

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


the house vibrated gently as it left golden gate park and, in very little time, settled gently on the ground again.

they rushed outside to see where & when they were.

"what the...?!"

they looked out on what appeared to be boston harbor, but the sky was green and the water was orange. more disturbing was the sight of several pterodactyls souring overhead.

"oh, goody!" the unconventional conventionist clapped his hands. "we wound up in an alternate universe. i love it when that happens!"

juliet & the darter were not as excited by this turn of events.

"an alternate universe? but that won't help us find mr. franklin. he got lost in our universe," juliet explained.

"YEOW!" the darter jumped as a strange reptile ran past him, but he continued upward into the air instead of falling down to earth. "what the--hey, i can fly!"

indeed, the darter could now fly. he stretched his left arm out in front of him and swept his right arm back in his best superman pose, and soared effortlessly above them.

"i have real super powers here!"

juliet leaped into the air, but came crashing down. "hmph. i guess it's only you." she scratched herself in an unladylike fashion, then her face went white. "omg..."

"what is it?"

she ran inside the house into a powder room, then emerged a minute later, still shaken. "i...i'm a woman."

"well, i can see that, darling," the unconventional conventionist told her. "and a beautiful one at that!"

juliet shook her head. "no, you don't understand. i'm really a man...was a man....i'm a crossdresser. but here...in this alternate universe...i'm a woman. really a woman!"

the darter crashed into the side of the house. "you mean it...it's gone?"

juliet nodded. "and these are real," she motioned at her chest, then sneezed mightily.

"bless you," the darter said, then started rubbing his neck. "something itches."

as he said that, he felt the flesh on her neck bulge out. he looked at juliet, whose eyes were bulging out as she looked at him. "dat, your face is--ACHOO! A--A--A--ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!"

"oh, dear," the unconventional conventionist muttered, turning his head back and forth between juliet & her uncontrollable sneezing and the darter, whose entire body now was swollen and blotchy, and he was writhing in agony on the ground as he scratched all over. "i guess you guys are allergic to something here."

"you think--ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!"

"take...us...back...now!" the darter choked out.

the unconventional conventionist sighed. "okay, okay, but this is such a cool universe."

juliet dragged the darter back inside and the unconventional conventionist ran down to throw the levers on the sonic tranducer. the house vibrated again and settled down on the ground. juliet looked outside and sighed gratefully as she recognized golden gate park.

"we're back, dat."

he was still scratching, those the swelling and the coloration were already diminishing rapidly. juliet patted herself all over and nodded, finding her original parts in place.

"i need a hot bath," the darter stated. "you want to go back to the Pub, juliet?"

she shook her head. "no, i think i'll stay here a while. it really is a lovely party."

the unconventional conventionist clapped his hands. "it's just a jump to the left..."

the darter left them to their dancing and staggered out to his scooter, scratching himself all the way.


THE END
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Dear Reader,

You have reached the end of your adventure. I hope you enjoyed it! If not, well, you only have yourself to blame because, you know, you chose it yourself. Also, since you--not I--chose this adventure, it did not really take place in the Burkieverse and, therefore, will not have any continuity with the regular Poor Yorick's Pub chapters. Thanks for playing and, if you're in the mood to try another adventure, go back to the beginning and choose a different path!

The Dog Will Have His Day

"howdy, everybody!" gavin cardigan called to the regulars as he entered the Pub.

"howdy yourself," replied proprietor danny blake from behind the bar as he poured a Bass. "i'm serving cemitas tonight."

cardigan accepted the ale gratefully. "i don't know what a cemita is, but i'll take two."

"hey, cardigan," sierra charles greeted him as he took a seat. "how's the mysterious case of the mayoral dognapping coming along?"

"solved." cardigan took a swallow to hid his smile.

"what?!" marian elfman looked up in surprise. "there's been no news about it."

"hmmm..." cardigan looked the columnist in the eye. "marian, you'll have to keep this to yourself, okay? it's kind of complicated."

"go on," marian encouraged him.

"well, i started making inquiries in the area where monte was dognapped. i found somebody who had spotted a corgi in the company of a blond woman with tattoos." he took another sip. "then i found a witness who remembered seeing a red-haired woman walking a corgi. in all, i interviewed seven witnesses who remembered seeing a woman with a corgi, but each woman had a different description."

blake had arrived at the table to deliver cardigan's cemitas. "oh, no. don't tell me..."

"what?" taylor asked. "was it a dognapping gang of women who passed monte from person to person every block or two?"

sierra saw the look pass between caridgan and blake, then exlaimed, "the Lurker!"

marian gasped.

cardigan nodded. "exactly. this was a crime of opportunity; no gang could have prepared for the black darter's blunder. so how could monte be passed to so many different women? he couldn't. it was the same woman every time. our Mysterious Lurker."

sigh. "i can explain," quoth the raven-haired Lurker.

taylor dropped his mug with a yelp. "when did you get here? oh, never mind." he began to wipe up his spillage.

the Lurker rolled her eyes. "i was only a block away from the incident when it happened, and monte ran to me. i recognized him right away, and saw his name tag for final proof, but then i also noticed the look in his eyes." her hair became a fiery red at the memory. "he had been drugged! so i brought him home with me, then took him to a vet friend of mine. monte was on diazepam, a tranquilizer."

"why?"

"so the mayor's office could control his behavior and use him to market their platform. they were exploiting his cuteness for political power!" a tattoo of a closed fist appeared on the Lurker's arm. "so i decided to keep him."

"but what about the ransom demand?" sierra asked, recalling the demand to eliminate bridge tolls in return for monte.

the Lurker shrugged. "i thought it was worth a try. i hate tolls! we already pay taxes. why do we need to pay extra tolls for that bridge and not all the others? the state of california maintains all of them." she grinned. "i wasn't going to keep my end of the bargain, though, no matter what they did about the tolls."

"wait a minute," marian interrupted. "monte is famous. how did your vet not recognize him? you did. and what about everybody else that sees him?"

the Lurker smiled and whistled. a regal Cardigan Welsh Corgi trotted in on stubby little legs. "say hello to monte, everybody."

sierra, who had worked with monte before, looked at him closely. "hey, his coat used to be tri-color, but it's only red and white now, and his white socks are only anklets; they used to be thigh-highs! but how...oh, never mind."

the Lurker grinned. "the markings are shaped a little differently, too. but he's still the same monte otherwise. in fact, he's more himself now than before since he's off the drugs."

blake turned toward cardigan. "what are you going to tell the mayor's office?"

"the truth," cardigan smiled. "that i've been in contact with those who have monte and that they've discovered he has been drugged, and they plan to go to PETA and the press with the story that the mayor's office has been drugging cute puppies for political capital, unless he agrees to drop the case and announce that he has donated monte to a family that has just lost a dog to cancer, and did so without fanfare so the press would not bother the family."

the Lurker kissed him on the cheek. "brilliant!"

marian scowled. "but that makes the mayor sound like a hero, and he doesn't deserve that for how he treated monte!"

"think about the big picture, hon," taylor pointed out. "he can't treat monte or any other dog that way now, knowing that PETA may be watching."

"isn't it dangerous to keep calling him monte?" sierra asked.

the Lurker shook her head. "no, lots of people named their dogs 'monte' after the mayor's dog became so popular. he may become even more popular after cardigan's story gets out." she turned toward blake, her honey-colored hair shimmering in the light as she batted her baby blues at him. "can he stay in the pub, danny? please? he's very well-behaved, house-broken, smart, and won't cause any problem. please?"

blake glared. "don't beg, woman. it's unbecoming." he reached down to scratch behind monte's ear. "yeah, we can try it out. it'll be nice to have a pub dog."

cardigan raised his pint. "to monte!"

"to monte!"

"to monte!"

"to monte!"

shakespeare walked over to bus the table, reciting:

Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men;
As hounds, and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs,
Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are 'clept
All by the name of dogs: the valued file
Distinguishes the swift, the slow, the subtle,
The housekeeper, the hunter, every one
According to the gift which bounteous nature
Hath in him closed.

" 'clept?! what the hell kind of word is that?" cardigan demanded.

"it means 'to call,' gavin," marian explained. "he's saying that those things are all called dogs."

sierra nodded. "it's a crossword puzzle word."

"it's a stupid word," cardigan muttered.

"stupid is as stupid does," noted shakespeare. "to coin a phrase."