2010: The Year Of...

...cheap cookbooks! that's right. see that collection of 9 cookbooks there? they cost me a total of $51. i scored them all from the bargain table at border's over the years (except for the charlie palmer book there in the middle, which i got free by winning it from another food blogger). and most of them have lots of full-color photos to accompany the recipes, which i appreciate. the problem is, as incredible as the bargain seems, i've actually suffered a loss of $51 at this point because i have yet to use these books even once! ((okay, i did make one recipe out of the charlie palmer book. i--and quite a few others--was asked to Guest Blog on the blog from which i won the book because the blogger was going through a bad spell and needed some posts to fill in. i used one of the charlie palmer recipes and wrote it up a la caridgan & co. and submitted it, but it never got published. she wound up receiving more guest submissions than she needed, which is a good thing. i'm not sure the real food blogosphere is ready for my characters' shenanigans.)) so, i've decided to dedicate 2010 to turning those books into the bargains that they were destined to be, rather than the financial setbacks they now represent. of course, the books will have to come through with good recipes; if not, they will never be a bargain. i'm going to do my part, though. not that any of you who might be reading this care--i know you don't come here for the cooking, and certainly not for the recipes since i don't provide them (ostensibly for copyright reasons but, more truthfully, because it's a pain in the ass to type them up). my hope is that the blog will keep me motivated to use the cookbooks. more than it did this year with The New Best Recipe experiment, that is :)

Brilliant!

"i'm starving, danny boy! what's for supper?" gavin cardigan asked his friend danny blake as he entered Poor Yorick's Pub.

"i've got pasta with creamy leeks, spinach, and ham, along with some of burkie's bread," danny replied as he poured an ale for cardigan.

"that sounds worthy of asking for seconds in advance. thanks!" cardigan grabbed his pint and walked over to join the others. "howdy, y'all."

"wotcher, gavin!" taylor young greeted him in a hitherto nonexistent british accent.

caridgan looked over at taylor's girlfriend, marian elfman, who rolled her eyes. "taylor has decided that he's british."

"british?"

taylor nodded. "from stow-on-the-wold, actually. it's in the cotswolds."

"a vampire from the cotswolds?" cardigan looked incredulous. "isn't that rather...unconventional?"

"quite," taylor said.

"wait a minute!" linda nulo uncharacteristically spoke up. "he can just decide on his own that he's british? wtf?! i didn't know we could do that!"

taylor shrugged. "you don't know 'till you try, what?"

"hmmmm...." linda, a character so underdeveloped that she was just barely opaque, hmmmm'd. "maybe i should make my boobs bigger." she frowned. "or smaller. i don't know what size they are in the first place."

"er, i don't think anyone wants to know those kinds of details about us," sierra charles noted. "i know i don't."

"well, i'm not going to do anything rash," linda decided. "i'm going to give this some thought. besides," she added brightly, "if i beat boom-boom in the chamionship game of our fantasy football league next week, i get to write an entire chapter for the blog!"

danny walked over to deliver cardigan's meal. "just don't make any changes to the Pub, okay? i like it just the way it is."

"don't worry; your Pub's safe," linda grinned. "but i could see you in a handlebar mustache!"

"hmmm," Myserious Lurker hmmm'd as she suddenly appeared. "i like the way you think, linda."

"what if boom-boom wins?" sierra wondered as she reached for a slice of cardigan's bread. "she's even less developed than you are, linda. i wonder what she would write?"

cardigan glared at the bread thief. "keep your hands to yourself, charles, or i'll have boom-boom arrest you next time she's here!"

"cor blimey!" taylor exclaimed, a worried look upon his brow. "you don't think boom-boom will strip away my british citizenship, do you?"

"what's the status of your visa?" cardigan asked him. "she's a cop; she just might deport you."

"bugger!" taylor looked aggrieved. "i didn't think of that. she might toss me out on me arse!"

"i'm sure you'll win, honey," tucker told linda, kissing the top of her head before strumming a chord.

when it comes to football
no one beats my baby
when it comes to caulking bathtubs
no one beats my baby
when it comes to lovin'
no one beats my baby
don't you wish your baby were like mine?

"thanks, honey," linda smiled. "you're the best! if i win, i'll write something special for you."

"i got you, honey; nothing could be more special than that."

"you two are the cutest couple!" marian told them, then crunched up her face and looked toward taylor. "why can't we be that cute?"

"let me work on my accent, duck. in a fortnight, i wager we'll be just as--bollocks!" he knocked over his pint of bitter, spilling it all over his trousers.

tucker and linda managed to suppress their laughter while exchanging a low five behind their backs.

CYA: The Judge & The ChronoGuard Go Their Own Way

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


gavin shook his head. "no, we still need to find mr. franklin--" he glanced at ChronoGuard Ben and added, "the other mr. franklin. you guys go that way; we'll go this way."

they wished each other luck, then the judge & ChronoGuard Ben walked down the hall to the right, rounded the corner, and found themselves face-to-face with ben franklin!

"mr. franklin, we finally found you!"

ChronoGuard Ben shook his head. "that's not colonial me, your honor. that's a more senior me in the ChronoGuard.

"not exactly true," the new ben franklin said. "i'm a possible you that could be, if certain things go a certain way."

"i hate time travel," the judge murmured.

"i am happy to hear that," said the possible ben franklin that could be.

"why is that?" the judge asked in confusion.

"because you're gonna love this!" the possible ben franklin that could be replied with a maniacal laugh, taking out a gadget and pressing a button.

suddenly, the judge & ChronoGuard Ben were zapped into another dimension where they are standing in a cashier line. they are each holding a six pack of Schlitz, and there are four other customers in front of them. they heard the voice of the possible ben franklin that could be over the loud speaker.

"welcome to a customized time loop! i have taken great pains to make it very special for you. after all, it will be your home for eternity, bwah ha ha!"

"i don't like the sound of that," the judge whispered to ChronoGuard Ben. "what does he mean?"

ChronoGuard Ben sighed heavily as customer currently at the cashier emptied a bag of pennies onto the counter and started counting them out to pay for his beer. "it means that we are going to stand in line to buy this crappy beer. and, unless i have totally misread the evil possible me that could be, as soon as we get to the front of the line, we will start to re-live the entire episode again. and again. and again. forever and ever. that's what a time loop is, and there is no escape."

the judge looked alarmed as the customer directly in front of them was practicing phrases from The English Survival Guide for Vietnamese Travelers. "don't tell me that. do not tell me that!"

"i'm sorry, my friend, but it's true" ChronoGuard Ben told him, trying to mask his own frustration as the next customer in line began to argue that the sign in front of his beer said "Sale!"

"i can't take this--let's get out of here!" the judge tried to step out of line but couldn't.

"we can't," ChronoGuard Ben told him. "we have no choice but to play out the script that has been written."

the current customer was regaling the cashier with a litany of every ailment she had ever had, real or imagined.

"over, and over, and over again for eternity."

a vein was visibly throbbing in the judge's forehead. "why did the evil possible you that could be do this to you?"

ChronoGuard Ben shrugged his shoulders. "as i wrote in Poor Richard's Almanac, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. the ability to manipulate time definitely qualifies as absolute power."

"you didn't coin that phrase; Lord Acton did, in 1887," the judge pointed out.

"the point is," ChronoGuard Ben emphasized, "the possible me that could be has become drunk on power and wants to rule not only the world, but time as well."

the vietnamese customer finally croaked out a "thank you" and, as they stepped forward in line, they found four other customers in front of them. they heard the voice of the possible ben franklin that could be over the loud speaker.

"welcome to a customized time loop! i have taken great pains to make it very special for you. after all, it will be your home for eternity, bwah ha ha!"

the judge looked at ChronoGuard Ben in agony. "can we kill ourselves? or each other?"

"i wish."


THE END
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Reader,

You have reached the end of your adventure. I hope you enjoyed it! If not, well, you only have yourself to blame because, you know, you chose it yourself. Also, since you--not I--chose this adventure, it did not really take place in the Burkieverse and, therefore, will not have any continuity with the regular Poor Yorick's Pub chapters. Thanks for playing and, if you're in the mood to try another adventure, go back to the beginning and choose a different path!

The Wizard of Schnauze

"greetings, all!" gavin cardigan bellowed out as he entered the Pub.

"why are you bellowing?" danny blake asked from behind the bar as he poured a Guinness for his best customer.

cardigan shrugged. "i don't know. burkie's probably trying out new verbs."

danny handed him his pint. "well, fortunately for us, burkie has me cooking a hearty beef stew with sourdough bread today, so don't be too hard on him."

"i can't promise anything." cardigan took his stout over to join the others, breaking into a grin. "hi, foxy!"

foxy charles gave him a warm smile. "hi, gavin. you're looking well."

he nodded. "i'm feeling pretty well, too. what brings you here tonight?"

she glanced over at her sister sierra, who scowled. "i'm here to introduce sierra's date."

"another one?" he winked at sierra. "you get around, charles!"

"i have nothing to do with it! it's burkie's stupid contest. his sister gets to run my life now, it seems."

marian elfman gave her a disapproving look. "don't be so melodramatic! you might actually like this one."

"wanna bet?"

"no. you'd try even harder to not like him then."

taylor young looked up. "my enhanced hearing tells me the front door just opened. maybe that's him!"

marian rolled her eyes. "i heard it, too, taylor. your hearing isn't enhanced."

they all looked expectantly toward the front, only to deflate as burkie and special assistant hepzibah walked in.

Mysteriously Lurker suddenly appeared and hmph'd. "we thought you were sierra's date."

s.a. hepzibah shook her head. "no, but he should be here soon."

sierra asked, "did you bring your autograph book? is this one famous, too?"

foxy shook her head. "no...well, not like jacob. this one is more of, uh, an F-list celebrity," she added, looking away from her sister, who was a well-established D-list celebrity.

"how do you know him anyway?"

"through burkie's sister," foxy explained. "i've never met him, but she wrote and told me about him, suggesting he'd make a good match for sierra, so i contacted him and he agreed to come meet her."

"you've never met him?" sierra looked alarmed. "he might be amish, or a leprechaun, or have a tail!"

"an amish leprechaun with a tail," gavin mused. "burkie, can i enter the next contest?"

"door," taylor nodded toward the front again.

they held their breath, listening to the footsteps. when judge st. bishop entered the room accompanied by benjamin franklin, there was more than a little disappointment--along with relief on the part of sierra--in the collective exhale.

"what are you two doing here?"

the Pub's resident founding father beamed. "we've just come from the cinema where we saw Avatar. what an extraordinary experience!"

danny looked at the judge in suprise as he dropped off cardigan's food. "you took him to the movies, your honor? i thought you didn't like exposing him to modern technology."

"that ship is so far from shore that it it would get lost if it tried to turn around," answered the judge with a shrug as he and sierra helped themselves to cardigan's sourdough bread. "life's too short to get too worked up over things i can't control."

cardigan pointed, er, pointedly at his empty bread basket. "danny, a refill here? and might as well bring some stew for the judge and mr. franklin."

"vampire's lives aren't short," taylor noted with pride.

"we're fictional," cardigan reminded them. "we're not alive in the first place. except for mr. franklin, of course, and he's dead."

"i am not dead, dammit!"

"door," taylor informed them.

they turned again and saw the back of a man who approached danny at the bar.

"hey, it smells great in here! beef stew, right?" the man said jovially. "with potatoes, carrots, some red wine, a couple of bay leaves, and some dried thyme? and sourdough bread, unless i'm very much mistaken."

danny looked uncharacteristically flustered. "um, yeah. yeah, you're right. exactly right, as matter of...of fact."

the man nodded. "i'm never wrong! it smells great. may i have an order, please?"

"sure, yeah. uh, sure. no problem. i, uh, will bring it over shortly."

the man turned from danny and walked toward them wearing a friendly smile. "i hope this is the right place. i'm looking for foxy charles? my name is stoney karr."

foxy's bright smile began to fade as the newcomer approached them. he had a medium build, jet black hair, and piercing greens set on a ruggedly handsome face. ruggedly handsome, that is, except for the fact that his nose had three nostrils.

"oh, uh, i'm foxy," she replied, then hurriedly indicated her sister. "this is sierra, stoney."

he extended a hand. "hi, sierra. i've heard a lot about you. it's a pleasure to meet you in the flesh. i'm a big fan of your work in zz top videos."

sierra gripped his hand briefly. "oh, uh, thank you, stoney. uh....i understand that you're celebrity yourself?"

he took the seat next to her. "not really. i was a contestant on Who Wants To Be The Next Food Network Star. i didn't win, though."

"oh, well, show business can be like that. it's not always about talent, you knows--you know, i mean." sierra looked to caridgan for help.

cardigan looked just as uncomfortable. "so, uh, stoney. you're a chef? what is your specialty?"

"i was blessed with an extraordinary sense of taste and smell," stoney explained, not at all uncomfortable. "my gimmick on the show was bachelor meals, or cooking for one."

"that, uh, sounds like a good niche," danny noted as he delivered more food to the table. "cooking for one isn't easy."

stoney shrugged as he reached for some bread. "that was my thought, but i guess i must have come off as pathetic. i mean, who wants to see some poor shmuck cook for himself night after night?"

"oh, i'm sure nosebody would think that," sierra interjected, then cringed. "nobody, i mean. nobody would think that."

"so, do you work as a chef here in san francisco, stoney?" the Lurker asked him.

he nodded, waiting until he swallowed a mouthful of stew before answering. "yes, i've been the head chef over at Verona for about a year."

"Verona?" cardigan looked over at sierra. "that's how we met, charles. remember? your ex-client/boyfriend was the chef there when he was murdered!"

"james livermore?" stoney looked at sierra. "you dated livermore? wow, small world, huh?"

"did you knows---know him?"

stoney shook his head. "no, i never met him. i know him by reputation. everybody loved that guy." his looked at sierra sympathetically. "i'm sorry for your loss."

"oh, we weren't really dating," sierra replied. "we were just getting to knows each other--i mean, know each other, when that happened."

stoney reached over and squeezed her shoulder. "i knows you're uncomfortable, sierra. it's okay." his smile was reassuring and friendly. "i've been trying to live up to james livermore at work for the past year. i really don't want to have to do that in my private life, too. just friends?" he extended his hand.

sierra smiled in relief and shook his hand. "friends it is."

stoney stood. "it's been a pleasure to meet you all. foxy, thanks for everything."

"you're welcome, stoney. it was nice meeting you, too."

cardigan nodded. "don't be a stranger, okay? we'll save a seat for you."

after he walked out, sierra noted, "you know, he really is a nice guy."

marian agreed. "and he cooks! unlike some boyfriends i could name." she turned toward taylor as she said this, scrunching up her face in annoyance.

taylor shrugged. "i don't have to cook. we eat here."

"maybe you should give him a chance, charles," cardigan suggested.

"he had three nostrils! i couldn't stop looking at them! i couldn't stop talking about them!"

"i knows," the others said in unison.

as the great english dramatist came to bus the table, sierra turned to him and asked, "what do you think, shakespeare?"

"that which we call a nose by any other name would smell as sweet."

judge st. bishop groaned. "how long have you had that one in your pocket, waiting to bring it out at just the right moment?"

shakespeare grinned at the judge and exchanged a high five with burkie.


Author's Note: my sister kelly created the character (except for a couple of embelishments on my part)--and the name--of stoney karr. any resemblence between stoney karr and anybody else, whether they be named stoney or karr or anything near that, is coincidental. or, it's kelly's fault. :)

The Fur Will Fly

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung up his jacket, and inhaled deeply and with appreciation. "smells great, danny. what're we having for dinner?"

"korean bbq-style burgers," danny black replied as he poured gavin a beer. "i'll make you two."

"to start with," cardigan amended as he took his beer over to his accustomed table with his accustomed friends.

"hey, i don't think i like being defined as accustomed," sierra charles complained as gavin took his seat.

"i didn't call you that," gavin noted sourly. "burkie did."

"hmph," sierra sulked.

"now, now," burkie admonished her as he walked into the Pub. "no sulking! not when you're about to meet your date." he indicated the striking young man entering the Pub behind him.

sierra's eyes went round--

"burkie!"

"that's not what i meant!"

sierra's eyes went wide even as she glared at burkie at the same time.

the young man smiled warmly and extended a hand. "hi! my name is jacob. jacob black."

"oh, this is going to be good," taylor young grinned knowingly, baring his fangs.

sierra glanced nervously at taylor, then unabashedly looked the newcomer's 6'7" frame up and down, shook her hair flirtaciously, then took his hand with an approving smile. "hello. oh! your skin is warm."

she continued to hold his hand, now with both hands, until he finally said, "don't worry, i don't have a fever. i've always had higher-than-normal body temperature."

"no, it feels good," sierra cooed, continuing to rub his hand.

marian snickered. "she cooed."

sierra suddenly dropped his hand, embarrassed. "i'm sorry. please, uh, have a seat."

"thank you," he said, taking the seat next to her.

as danny placed a plate in front of cardigan, sierra grabbed one of the burgers and gave it to jacob. "here, these are fabulous!"

cardigan glared at her and moved his plate to the opposite side. "danny, better bring some more."

"burkie," marian turned toward their handsome creator, "where did jacob come from?"

"my friend mira suggested him for the contest."

"you mean your friend ava?"

"wow! you remembered me!" burkie's friend ava reinier appeared suddenly.

taylor looked around, bewildered. "where did you come from? you weren't here before?"

"i taught her that," Mysterious Lurker informed him, appearing suddenly at burkie's friend ava's side.

cardigan looked back and forth between the Lurker and burkie's friend ava, chewing his korean bbq-style burger thoughtfully, then snapped his fingers. "burkie's friend ava is your apprentice?"

the Lurker nodded. "yep. she shows a lot of talent for lurking."

danny dropped off more burgers and asked burkie's friend ava, "are you really lurking in a blog written by a dog?"

burkie's friend ava nodded. "yes. it's called oh my effing dog!"

"of course it is," danny muttered, returning back to his sanctuary behind the bar.

"it's my friend mira, not my friend ava, who suggested jacob," burkie explained. "she won the contest for the mug. well, actually, she co-won."

"co-won?" sierra tore her eyes regretfully away from her dark-haired date, starting to look nervous. "what does that mean? i have to go on more dates? why? what's wrong with this one? i like this one!"

jacob smiled. "that's nice of you to say, sierra."

taylor looked out the window. "it's getting dark outside. must be twilight."

marian scrunched up her face in annoyance. "of course, it's twilight out there, taylor. look what time it is!" she shook her head and looked toward their guest. "you'll have to forgive taylor, jacob. he--" she stopped suddenly. "jacob...jacob?" she looked over at taylor, who nodded, and she suddenly clapped her hands. "oh! oh!"

Mysterious Lurker smiled knowingly. "it is getting dark out there, isn't it. i hear there's a new moon."

sierra looked around, clearly in the dark. "what's going on? burkie, why can't i go out with jacob again? he's nice, seems normal, and..." she tilted her head toward her date. "have you seen him? woof!"

taylor, marian, and the Lurking started laughing out loud, exchanging high-fives.

special assistant hepzibah ran into the Pub at that moment, waving an autograph book. "i'm not too late, am i?"

"too late? too late for what?" sierra asked.

hepzibah looked inside her small purse for a pen, swore, then checked her large purse, swore again, and rummaged through her tote bag. "here it is!" she fished out an SFPD pen and handed it and the book to jacob. "can i have your autograph? i'm a huge fan."

"sure." jacob smiled and took the book.

"autograph?" sierra stared at jacob. "who are you? i'm sorry, but i'm a bit of a celebrity myself and i've never heard of you."

"you've never read the twilight series?" hepzibah looked surprised.

"twilight? oh, no. my agent got me an audition to play the mother of the girl--becca, or whatever her name is."

"bella," replied a chorus of voices around the room.

"whatever. he's my ex-agent now. i can't play somebody old enough to have a daughter in high school." she turned back to jacob. "so, are you a vampire?" she glanced over at taylor. "a real one, that is?"

"um, no. not exactly," jacob replied, looking uncomfortable for the first time since he arrived.

"he's a werewolf," marian told her with a grin.

"a real one," taylor added.

"werewolf?" she looked at burkie.

"ah, yes."

"werewolf?!" she looked at jacob.

"woof."

she shuddered. "and when you turn into a wolf, what do you eat?"

"um, you know. wolf stuff."

"you mean like Purina Wolf Chow? or you mean like dead rabbits and squirrels and things like that?"

jacob gave her his most charming smile. "well, it's hard to eat them when they're alive, you know. they kick going down."

"ewwwww. and your breath must be awful. thanks, but no thanks."

jacob sighed, then stood. "it's always the breath. i wish somebody would invent a breath mint strong enough for werewolves."

as jacob walked out, burkie's friend ava remarked, "wolf did flow."

taylor said, "aw, sierra. you would've been a great couple. he's a wolf, you're a cougar. you would've had the cutest cubs!"

"i am not a cougar!"

shakespeare came over to bus the table. "you made the right choice, fair sierra. he's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf, a horse's health, a boy's love, or a whore's oath."

she turned her un-kind eyes toward their handsome creator. "burkie, the next one better be human. got it?"

"oh, he's human all right," hepzibah giggled.

"why is she giggling?!" sierra looked indignant. "burkie? burkie!"

CYA: Juliet & The Darter Go Glam Rock

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!



the house vibrated gently and, in hardly any time at all, settled gently down to ground again. they rushed outside to see where & when they were.

"what the...?!"

they looked out onto a green-grey horizon with a distant orange sun in the west, and another one to the east.

"we're back in transexual!" the unconventional conventionist exclaimed gleefully.

"transexual?" the darted sounded worried.

"yes! our home planet, in the galaxy of transylvania. isn't it lovely?"

the other unconventional conventionists ran outside. some started dancing, and others began a strange ritual that involved intimate contact with each others' elbows.

juliet looked at the darter.

the darter looked at juliet.



Click here if you're a shipper

Click here if you're not

Impatient Mug Coveter

dear marian,
it's been a full 2 days since i submitted my pick for burkie's mug giveaway. i feel pretty confident in my pick because who better for sierra than tim gunn? in any case, i have some delish coffee waiting to be drunken...dranken...drunk...drank...drinked in the pub mug -- and i want to, no, need to know -- when will the winner be announced?
thirstily waiting,
the mug coveter

Dear M.C.,

The picks are in, Burkie and S.A. Hepzibah have conferred, and according to a special source, a winner has been chosen. However you will have to wait along with everyone else to find out the winner! Have patience; all will be revealed in good time. For the time being, use another mug and seriously, don't be so melodramatic!

Marian Elfman