Slip-up Artist

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung his jacket on a peg, and sighed.

"long day?" danny blake asked him from behind the bar as he poured a Guinness.

cardigan nodded. "i had to drive out to sacramento to do some digging around in the state archives and just got back."

danny handed him a foamy pint. "this'll do you good, along with some wild mushroom & brie risotto."

"i believe you're right," cardigan agreed after licking a Guinness mustache off his lip.

as he approached his regular table in the back, sierra charles scooted her stool over to make room for him. "how you doing, cardigan?"

"i'm doing fine, now," he replied as he settled into his chair and took another sip. "what are you guys talking about?"

"starting a book club!" marian elfman exclaimed excitedly.

"a book club?" cardigan was dubious.

"yes! we'll pick out a book to read and then we can talk about it. it'll give burkie something to write about us." marian sounded quite pleased with herself. cardigan suspected that it was her idea.

"fictional characters reading fiction and then talking about it? i don't know about that. besides," cardigan noted, "burkie would actually read the book, not us. right?"

marian glared at him. "you're ruining the magic for the readers, gavin! they don't want to think about that part of it."

"what book were you thinking of reading?" danny asked as he placed a large, shallow bowl of risotto and a small plate of bread in front of cardigan.

Mysterious Lurker shuffled her tarot cards and said, "i vote for The Hanged Man, one of the tarot card mysteries by david skibbins."

"i suggest a jasper fforde book, Shades of Grey," sierra put in, reaching out to snag a slice of bread.

"i'm keen on Salem's Lot by stephen king," taylor offered, his fangs curving delicately over his bottom lip.

"how about Love Life for a Private Eye by a writer not named burkie?" cardigan grumbled.

"i can help you there, gavin," said a voice from behind them. Mysterious Lurker rolled her eyes as dat rhames (aka the black darter) walked up. "i've started moonlighting as a dating instruction coach."

"a DIC?" cardigan inquired, to snickers all around. "what, is the vigilante business down?"

dat ignored the chuckles. "criminals are operating in groups more and more, making it more difficult for me to work independently. i may need to get a sidekick or even form a super hero group like The Avengers or The Justic League. so, for now, i'm doing my part to help single men build their skills and confidence when dealing with the fairer sex."

"dat, you know it's illegal to shoot them with a dart," the Lurker pointed out. "that's not what is meant by knock them out or blow them over. you have to be charming."

"like burkie," sierra noted, then shook her head. "i did not say that, burkie!"

"listen, gavin," the darter told him, ignoring the comments, "it's all about neuro-linguistic programing. it's not what you say to a girl, but how you say it. watch." with that he approached marian, who looked alarmed.

"don't i know you?" he asked her, placing his hand on her elbow.

she pulled her arm away and shuddered. "of course you know me, dat. we both work at the paper."

"see, gavin? a lot of guys use a line like that, but it usually doesn't work because they forget to touch. the touch adds intimacy."

"and shuddering," taylor pointed out.

"without it," dat continued, ignoring marian's vampire boyfriend, "you only emphasize the distance between you."

"trust me, distance between you is what any girl is looking for," the Lurker stated.

in an incredible performance of ignorance, both in terms of being ignorant and of ignoring people--

"burkie, i don't think the word ignorance can be a noun for the act of ignoring people," sierra interrupted.

ignoring the Lurker, dat approached sierra, who reacted by scooting her stool backward until it met the wall. "see how she draws attention to herself when we make eye contact? it means she wants me to chase her," dat noted.

"no, it means i'm trying to escape," sierra retorted.

ignoring sierra, he turned toward the Lurker. "now, watch how i program the Lurker to respond in kind when i greet her with a winning smile and a flirtatious opening."

he cocked his head, grinned at the Lurker, and said "i love the way you tease your hair. would you like to tease mine?"

to everyone's astonishment, the Lurker gave him a cheshire cat grin and replied, "i thought you'd never ask, dat."

the Pub filled with laughter as the darter's hair turned neon pink in color. he looked around at everyone then spied himself in the mirror behind the bar. his face turned just as pink as his hair and he stormed out the door.

there were high fives all around. "now that's what i call neuro-linguistic programing!"

Choose Your Adventure!

((special thanks/blame to Mira for the story idea that follows!))


"howdy, danny boy!" gavin cardigan entered Poor Yorick's Pub and greeted the owner. "what's for supper?"

"cajun chicken pasta," danny blake replied from behind the bar, pouring an ale for his friend.

"thank you, sir," cardigan bowed. "it is an honor to dine here."

he took his ale over to join the others. "what's up, everyone?"

"hi, cardigan," sierra charles greeted him. "we were just discussing marian's latest column."

"did you get a good question?" cardigan asked marian elfman, author of the syndicated advice column "Don't Be So Melodramatic!"

"no," marian pouted. "i haven't gotten any really good questions in a long time. i may have to resort to making up my own questions."

"isn't that unethical?" linda nulo asked.

"no, not really. in fact, if it's a question that somebody is likely struggling with but is too embarrassed to ask for help, it's actually kind of a public service."

"uh-huh." cardigan sounded skeptical.

"i'm going to check my email. maybe there's a good question there." marian's fingers clicked and clacked over the keyboard of her laptop, then paused. "oh, i have an email from benjamin franklin!"

"our benjamin franklin?" judge st. bishop stormed in at that moment. "he's using email now?"

"OMG!" marian shrieked. "listen!"

Dear Marian,

I hope this electronic letter finds you well. This iPhone gadget is quite extraordinary! At any rate, I'm excited to inform you that I've made a breakthrough in my research into building a device for traveling through time! I'm talking about purposeful, controlled time travel, not randomingly popping up in somebody's Pub based on the whims of a no-talent blogger. I am about to embark on my first journey. Wish me luck! I'm going to Boston, Massuchessets on March 10, 1876 to witness Alexander Graham Bell as he introduces the first telephone. Honestly, the only thing he could think of to say is "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you?!" The man has no sense of the moment!

The point of my letter, however, is to let you know my intentions. If you do not receive another electronic letter from me in 1 hour, then I fear my experiment may have gone awry and I may need assistance. I feel certain that that should not prove necessary, however, and I look forward to sharing my story with you.

Your friend,

Benjamin Franklin

"he sent this 3 hours ago and there's no follow-up! we have to save him, gavin!"

"i knew something like this would happen!" the judge grumbled, shaking his fist. "damn you, burkie!"

"how are we going to save him?" danny asked as he walked over to deliver cardigan's pasta. "we don't have a time machine."

"no, we don't. but h.g. wells invented one and it's in a museum right here in san francisco," cardigan pointed out. "according to the movie Time After Time, that is. we'll just go use that to go find mr. franklin."

"you do that," the Lurker said with a shake of her head. "i just saw the movie Hot Tub Time Machine and if i'm going to travel through time, i'd rather do it in a hot tub."

"not me," linda was shaking her head. "i'm going for the delorean in Back To The Future!"

"pardon me," a handsome man who looked a lot like eric bana walked in. "perhaps i can be of assistance? my name is henry detamble and i am chrono-impaired, which means i can travel through time."

"i'm with him!" sierra jumped up and went to him. "i'm sierra. this won't make me sick, will it?"

"well, no," detamble looked embarrassed. "but--"

"then let's go!"

the judge's thumbs were in overdrive sending a text message. "you guys go ahead. i'm contacting the ChronoGuard from jasper fforde's thursday next series. they respect the principles underlying time travel and understand the consequences of getting it wrong."

"listen, love." taylor elbowed marian, earning a scowl. "we should call up hermione granger from the Harry Potter series and use her time turner necklace thingie."

"do you know hermione granger?"

"yes. she interviewed me last year while doing research on vampires."

"you never told me that!" marian stomped her foot, scowling even more fiercely at taylor. "i want to meet hermione!"

the door burst open then and they turned to see foxy & julius/juliet charles rushing in. "we want to help!"

"foxy!" cardigan greeted her happily. "you guys can come with me. i'm planning to use h.g. wells' time machine to rescue mr. franklin."

"no, man. let's use the sonic transducer!" juliet stated excitedly.

"what's that?"

"it's the audio-vibratory physio-molecular transport device used by dr. frank-n-furter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show," juliet explained.

"but it was used to transport matter through space," the judge noted with a frown. "dr. everett scott only speculated that it could transport matter through time as well."

"it's time we found out, then," said juliet. "who's with me?"

gavin nodded. "right, i think time travel is too tricky for us to rely on just one method, but none of us should go alone."

"i'm going with henry," sierra stated defiantly, looking up at her traveling companion and adding a silent "woof!"

"taylor and i will go with hermione," marian said, looking both excited and anxious.

"ava!" the Lurker called, and burkie's friend ava reinier popped up. "we're going to time travel through a hot tub to find mr. franklin. get your swimsuit!"

"yay!"

"tucker, are you going with linda?"

tucker shook his head. "no, i'm prone to motion sickness. i'll think i'd better hang back here, in case mr. franklin shows up on his own."

"i'll go with linda," sgt. tarboom "boom-boom" shakalaka announced as she walked in. "i'll drive."

"like hell you will. it was my idea!"

boom-boom met linda's gaze and nodded. "fair enough."

"i won't be alone," the judge pointed out. "i'll be with a time travel professional from the ChronoGuard."

gavin nodded and looked around the room. "okay, so everybody has a partner except for juliet. who--"

"don't worry, everybody. i'm here to help!" heads turned and eyes rolled as dat rhaymes (AKA the black darter) strutted in, a blow gun strapped across his back. he bowed and kissed juliet's hand. "i'll protect you, m'lady."

juliet exchanged a look with sierra. "is he for real?"

sierra sighed. "dat, this is my brother juliet. juliet, dat is a vigilante who calls himself the black darter."

"well, aren't we the dressed-up pair!"

"all right, teams. let's go find mr. franklin!"

and now, a public service announcement from burkie:

dear readers, welcome to the Pub's first interactive adventure. that's right, you get to choose whose adventure you want to read. click on the link of your choice below to go to your next chapter.

gavin & foxy in the h.g. wells time machine

sierra & henry detamble

marian, taylor, and hermione

Mysterious Lurker and burkie's friend ava in the hot tub time machine

the judge & the ChronoGuard

linda & boom-boom in the delorean from "back to the future"

juliet & the black darter in the sonic transducer

A Question of Character

"howdy," gavin cardigan greeted danny blake as he entered the Pub.

blake poured him a beer and placed it in front of him. "we're serving gazpacho steak salad tonight. interested?"

"when have i ever turned down one of your meals?" cardigan sipped his beer, then walked over to join the regulars and, he noticed, the irregulars as well, including burkie's special assistant. "hey, guys. what's going on?"

"burkie set up this game to let you guys develop your characters more fully," special assistant hepzibah explained. "each of you will reach into that box on the table, pull out a slip of paper, and answer the question on it."

"it's about time!" linda nulo reached into the box, eager to develop her character fully. she read the question aloud: "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? and why?" she crumpled the paper angrily in her hand. "wtf kind of question is that?!"

"it's designed to give us insight into your psychological make-up," dr. foxy charles explained. "it's really quite clever."

"i'd be the whomping willow from harry potter, so i could whomp burkie upside the head," linda retorted. "your turn, foxy, since you find burkie so clever."

foxy smiled and reached in, then read: "who was the first person you ever had a crush on?" she took a quick swallow of beer to hide her rapidly blushing face. "hmmm, i can't remember. your turn, sierra."

s.a. hepzibah sighed. "you have to answer, foxy. if you don't, burkie will just type it."

"isn't he typing it already?"

"don't confuse matters. it hurts my head to think about that."

foxy muttered, "roger rabbit."

"roger rabbit?" sierra laughed. "he's animated! and...well, a rabbit!"

foxy shrugged. "he makes me laugh."

"okay, i'll give him that," her sister conceded and reached in for her question: "'if you were one of snow white's 7 dwarfs, which one would you be?' hmmm, probably Hungry."

"i think Hungry was a smurf, not a dwarf," marian elfman stated.

"there was no Hungry Smurf," declared judge st. bishop, the Pub's foremost authority on all things smurfy.

"there was no Hungry dwarf, either," foxy said. "honestly, if you took my and burkie's course, you'd know this."

"choose Dopey," taylor young suggested. "he's the one without a beard."

"definitely Dopey," sierra stated with finality. "your turn, taylor."

taylor reached in and pulled out the following: "if you were a professional wrestler, what would your name be?" he grinned. "Forever Young!" he bared his fangs menacingly, referring to the immortality that burkie has yet to bestow upon him.

marian rolled her eyes. "that's corny!" she reached into the box for her own question: "if you were a natural disaster, which one would you be?" she made a face of bewilderment. "i have no idea....oh, i know--the bermuda triangle!" she beamed, obviously pleased with herself.

"is that a disaster or a phenomenon?"

"according to the most interesting man in the world, it's actually a parellelogram rather than a triangle," danny informed them as he delivered caridgan's salad. "guess i'd better take one, too." he reached in and pulled out: "if you were to host a dinner party and could invite two historical figures, who would you invite?" danny pointed left and right. "easy. ben franklin and william shakespeare."

marian made yet another face and stomped her foot. "that's not fair! they're always invited!"

"and it's always my pleasure to be here, my dear!" mr. franklin smiled at her, then reached in for a question: "which modern day convenience could you not live without?" he drummed his fingers on the table. "hmmm, i would have to say this iPod device. i've got every song tom jones ever recorded on this little baby!"

the judge looked alarmed. "i think you should choose something from your own time period, sir. perhaps one of your own inventions?"

"and i think you should answer your own question, magistrate," retorted the founding father, placing his iPod back in his pocket.

the judge bristled but reached in for a question: "if you had a band, what would you name it?" he thought for a second. "Langtry," he decided.

"nice," tucker approved, then reached for a question: if you had a theme song that played whenever you walked into a room, which song would it be? tucker grinned, strummed his guitar, and started to sing:

night after night,
who treats you right?
baby, it's the guitar man...

"at least you got a good question, honey," linda noted.

"my turn," Mysterious Lurker announced with a toss of her leisure suit-blue hair, reaching in for a question. "what would everyone in the room be shocked to learn about you?" a tattoo of a sheriff's star appeared on her arm. "that i wanted to be a cop when i grew up."

sgt. boom-boom shakalaka snorted. "you on the force? more like the farce." she reached in for a question: what is your idea of a great first date? "gee, i don't know. with my hours, i don't date much. i guess it would be going out for thai food, then the shooting range, then chilling out with a bottle of wine and a horror movie."

"that sounds...interesting," marian noted. "your turn, hepzibah. hepzibah?"

burkie's special assistant looked as if she were in a trance, then realized everyone was staring at her. "oh, sorry! i was, uh, wondering where burkie is."

"you're his special assistant. shouldn't you know?"

"oh, right. yes, he couldn't be here tonight because he's busy writing." she reached in and pulled out: what's your favorite movie? "oh, i don't know. interview with the vampire, i guess."

"good flick," taylor approved. "ava, your turn."

burkie's friend ava smiled and reached in for her question: where would you most like to visit? "adaven, nevada," she replied.

"i've never heard of it," the black darter noted, then reached in for his question: if you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you lose? "oh, man, that's an impossible question for a super hero to answer."

"then it should be easy for you," the Lurker pointed out.

dat glared at her, then answered, "touch. since i use a blow gun, i don't need to get close enough to touch the bad guys."

sierra looked over at gavin. "cardigan, you haven't gone yet!"

cardigan grunted, then reached in: what rule have you always disagreed with, and why? "i before e except after c," he replied. "it's just weird." he turned to shakespeare as the playwright came over to collect the dirty dishes. "you're last, shakespeare."

the great dramatist reached in and pulled out: what is your favorite number? "One that lies three thirds and uses a known truth to pass a thousand nothings with, should be once heard and thrice beaten," he answered, then carried the dishes away.

the others looked at each other. "so what was his answer?"

"i think it's 'three.' he used three different versions of three: three, thirds, and thrice."

"or he might have just been making an observation about burkie," noted cardigan.

Murder Will Out...Won't It?

"ooh! another mystery!" marian perked up upon hearing of spock's murder.

"how cool is that?" taylor grinned, showing off his fangs.

"bring us all a drink, danny!" Mysterious Lurker called out. "we've got some deducing to do."

benjamin franklin cracked his knuckles, his eyes twinkling. "i do enjoy a good puzzle."

the judge crashed his hand down upon the table. "people, a man was just murdered right before our eyes, and one of you did it! show some respect and try to be serious for once!"

tucker was already strumming his guitar.

his ears were pointy
and his mind was sharp...

"settle down, guys. there something funny going on here," cardigan announced, standing over the pool of blood. "look, he's holding a newspaper in one hand, and it's opened up to marian's column."

sierra turned to marian and grinned. "it's a clue--he's saying you killed him!"

marian made a repugnant face. "i did NOT kill him! it was probably dat. that icepick looks like it could have fit inside his blowgun."

the Lurker nodded, then sighed, and shook her head. "no, i doubt it. i mean, he actually hit him, in the dark, and that's a good 12 feet away. of course, he may have been aiming at one of us instead, so i still wouldn't rule him out."

dat's face was turning an interesting shade of red, similar to the blood at cardigan's feet. "it wasn't me! i don't shoot icepicks--i shoot darts."

"hmmm," danny mumured. "this is interesting. the brand name of this icepick is 'Franklin.'"

"is it?" mr. franklin seemed quite excited about this. "i say, i've never been a murder suspect before. do they hang murderers here, or shoot them?"

"benjamin franklin is not a murderer!" the judge exlaimed. "he's never seen spock before and has no more reason to kill him than i would!"

"it's interesting that you say that, your honor," cardigan noted. "look at spock's other hand. it's on his chest, his index finger pointing directly at the Star Fleet insignia there."

"so what?"

"that insignia looks like the hat that bishops wear," taylor stated.

"a mitre," marian said, helpfully. she shrugged. "it's a common crossword puzzle term."

"what do you have to say to that, judge st. bishop?" sierra asked.

"that's preposterous!"

marian snickered. "i knew he was going to say 'preposterous.'"

"say, what's that?" blake pointed at spock's neck.

cardigan peered closer. "it's two puncture marks."

"taylor!" marian looked indignant.

"it wasn't me," taylor protested. "i don't really bite people. i'm not that kind of vampire."

"what kind of vampire are you, taylor?" Mysterious Lurker turned her golden brown eyes on him.

"that's for me to know and you to hope you never find out," taylor replied ominously, then immediately spilled his beer on his lap. marian, sierra, and the Lurker exchanged high-fives all around.

"there's also a guitar pick on the floor over here," cardigan exclaimed.

"tucker?" the Lurker turned her sad blue eyes on him. "why, tucker? you have so much going for you."

tucker shook his head. "it wasn't me, man. i don't need material that badly." still, he started strumming.

why'd you do it, tucker?
why'd you kill that man?
did he steal your supper?
did he ruin your plan?

"wait a minute," blake interrupted. "i don't understand this. there are clues here pointing to just about everybody here, except sierra, cardigan, the Lurker, and me."

"sierra had motive," taylor reminded them. "unrequited love, a woman scorned, and all that."

"i didn't have a crush on spock!" sierra insisted. "i didn't!"

"gavin and danny could've been jealous of spock because sierra had a crush on him instead of them," marian theorized.

"i didn't have a crush on spock!"

cardigan turned to face them. "have you figured it out? it's all here for you."

"really?" sierra sounded surprisingly impressed. "you're good, cardigan. who did it?"

"yes, i'm quite intrigued," mr. franklin said, putting a coin on the table. "i bet it's this charming young lady with the ever-changing hair color."

"why thank you, mr. franklin," the Lurker blushed. "you're such a sweet man."

"i'll take that action," tucker said, placing a fiver on the table. "i think it was the darter."

"sierra," taylor added his money to the pile.

"i have given this matter much thought," marian declared. "and i think it was burkie!"

"m...me?" burkie spluttered. they all turned back to look at their handsome creator, whom they had all forgotten was there. "i have nothing to do with this. i'm just observing."

"you're writing all this; you control everything," marian said, rolling her eyes.

"if i controlled everything, my glass wouldn't be empty," burkie retorted, looking pointedly at danny.

danny glared at him, then shrugged and poured him another beer. "so who did it, cardigan?"

cardigan grinned and tipped his beer glass, pouring the contents down onto spock's face. spock sat up sputtering and cursing in a strange tongue, creating gasps around the room.

"it was a trick?" marian turned on burkie, who shook his head and pointed at spock.

"indeed," spock replied, pulling the fake icepick from his head. "you were getting bored and needed something interesting to happen. judging by the newspapers and tv shows and movies and bestseller lists here, murder seems to be very popular and interesting."

"and a bloody mess," danny pointed out, pointing at the stain on the floor. "you're fired."

"how did you figure it out, cardigan?" sierra asked.

cardigan pointed at the floor. "it's the bloody mess. what do we know about vulcan blood?"

"it's green," the Lurker slapped her forehead. "how could i have missed that?"

"bravo, young man. bravo!" mr. frankling applauded cardigan. "well done, indeed."

spock walked over to grab his coat, then turned to sierra. "i'm sorry, miss. i cannot return your feelings."

"i don't have a crush on you!"

"yeah, keep telling yourself that," spock muttered as he walked out.

An Unexpected Party

"hey, danny! what're we having tonight?" cardigan greeted his buddy behind the bar as he entered the Pub.

"leek, potato, and kielbasa soup."

"you're going to make somebody a good husband one day," cardigan grinned as he came forward to take his beer.

"it's for marian. today is her birthday, and she likes potato soup."

"happy birthday, marian!" cardigan walked over to the table, holding back a laugh as marian sits there with an indignant look on her face, wearing a large black revolutionary war tri-corner hat while Mysterious Lurker snaps pictures.

"why do i have to wear this ridiculous hat? i look like ben franklin's secretary!"

"i take exception to that, young lady," mr. franklin said as he walked into the Pub. "as i'm sure my secretary would. he is a severe young man with no sense of humor whatsoever."

"mr. franklin! what are you doing here?" taylor rose, tripping over his stool to offer it to the country's first Postmaster General.

"i understand that it is this delightful young lady's birthday, so i brought her a present." mr. franklin handed her a small box.

"oh! thank you, sir!" marian opened the box excitedly and then looked at mr. franklin quizzicly. "what is it?"

"i call it a 'navel ring.' it's a new invention of mine. see, if we pierce your belly button with a hot, sterile needle, then insert the post of this ring through the hole and attach this stub to the end, you will have quite a charming accessory," answered mr. franklin, looking quite pleased with himself.

"now cut that out!" the judge stormed into the pub, eyes flashing darkly. "benjamin franklin did not invent belly button jewelry! you have to stop mucking around with our nation's history like this!" he turned toward marian. "happy birthday!"

a startled marian took the proferred package and said, "thank you, your honor," but the judge was already walking out the door. she shrugged, opened the package, and gasped. "it's a hundred dollar bill!" she held it up to show them. mr. franklin took it from her. "i believe that belongs to me, young lady. it has my picture on it. he must have thought it was my birthday."

marian stomped her foot. "every hundred dollar bill has your picture on it, sir. he gave it to me!" she snatched it back from him.

"touchy little filly, isn't she?" mr. franklin muttered to sierra.

danny brought cardigan's soup over, glancing as he hears the door of the pub open. "oh, no."

dat rhaymes, AKA the black darter, limped in. "happy birthday, marian."

Mysterious Lurker noticed his black eye. "what happened, darter? run into a bad guy with 16-foot long arms?"

rhaymes ignored her, offering a card to marian. "this is for you," he annouced proudly.

marian read the card: "This Card Entitles The Bearer To A Free Rescue From The Black Darter. No Expiration Date." she looked back at him, unsure how seriously to take this. "uh, thank you, dat."

"what, you normally charge a fee to the people you rescue?" cardigan asked.

"what if they can't afford your fee?" taylor inquired. "do you let the bad guy go ahead and mug them?"

"maybe i can start a Rescue Insurance company where people pay a premium every month to help cover the cost of a rescue should they ever need one," sierra pondered. "i could make a fortune!"

"maybe i could be one of those lawyers who advertise on TV," the Lurker mused. "have you been injured in a botched rescue? call Mysterious Lurker. let's scoff about it."

the darter turned on his heel and walked briskly out the door.

"happy birthday, miss." mr. spock walked over, holding out a rectangular package.

"thank you, spock." marian ripped off the paper to reveal a Giant Book of Sudoku. "i love it!" she starts riffling the pages, frowning. "er, they've all been filled in."

"it seemed illogical to give you incomplete puzzles."

at that moment, the sound of a guitar strumming a waltz tune drew their attention to the back of the pub.

happy birthday, dear marian
you lovely bulgarian
may the joy this day brings
to include navel rings
prove not to be too wearying...

marian made a face of mild annoyance. "'i'm not bulgarian, tucker."

happy birthday, dear columnist
i heard it straight from your publicist
though you're forty years old
your heart is made of pure gold
you don't need a cardiologist...

marian made a face of major annoyance. "i'm not forty years old!"

happy birthday, potato girl
though my gift ain't a shiny pearl
you will live on in song
after we're all long gone
'till the end of this big ol' world

"don't call me potato girl!"

The Inevitable Appearance of a Superhero

"hey, danny boy! what's on the menu tonight?" cardigan walked into the pub, hanging his coat up at the door.

"tomato-ricotta tart," blake replied.

"smells good. set me up."

cardigan walked over to join sierra, marian, and a strange man dressed in a long, black leather coat, jeans with light brown leather chaps, a high-necked white-spandex top, and dark sunglasses under a spiky white crewcut. "um, hello."

"gavin, this is dat rhaymes. he does research for us at the paper." marian made the introductions.

"dat has decided to be a superhero," sierra explained with a wink. "but he needs help coming up with a name."

"he needs help all right," blake muttered as he dropped off a generous portion of the tart along with a bass ale. he paused, looking carefully around the pub, before heading back behind the bar.

"uh huh." cardigan sampled the tart, then gave blake a thumb's up across the room. "do you have any special powers?"

"a blowgun," rhaymes explained, holding up a slender, long black tube with a wide silver mouthpiece that extended several inches off either side, curling elegantly back slightly toward the middle.

"a blowgun? how far can you shoot that thing?"

"about 15 feet for accuracy," rhaymes answered.

"um, that's not very far." cardigan stated. "so, you have to find a bad guy doing something wrong, then run up to within 15 feet of him, then bring that thing up to your mouth and blow a dart at him?"

rhaymes look mildly defensive. "the agent is very fast-acting. it disorients them, so i can easily trip them with the hooks here when they try to run away," he explained, indicating the silver ends of the mouthpiece.

"i see. and what if they run toward you instead of away from you? with a knife or a gun?"

"then i can swing it to knock it out of their hand, then hit them on the head to knock them out," rhaymes replied casually. "obviously. also, i can have different darts that can make them sleepy, or sick, or temoporarily paralyze them. the possibilities are endless."

"you could be Blowhard," cardigan offered.

"how about The Huffer?" Mysterious Lurker suggested, waving at blake and holding her hand up with thumb and pinkie extended to indicated she wanted a beer. blake was facing the door and it took a moment for him to see her, which caused him to glower.

"i was thinking The Puffer," marian exclaimed.

"that sounds like a stoner, not a superhero," sierra mused. "how about The Black Darter?"

"hey, i like that!" rhaymes said excitedly. "as you know, the 'darter,' or 'snake bird,' has a long beak that it uses to spear its prey. it's able to go underwater to fish because its feathers aren't waterproof."

"unlike the furr on a corgi," sierra pointed out instructively.

"oh! you should get a waterproof partner called The White Corgi!" marian grinned.

"and what would a waterproof superhero do?" blake asked as he placed a beer in front of the Lurker. "shake liquid acid off himself onto a burgler?"

"grab his pants leg with his teeth to hold him in place long enough to get shot with a dart?" cardigan offered.

"he could fetch the darts that miss and bring them back," said the Lurker.

"maybe he could carry supplies in a little barrel on a collar around his neck like a st. bernard," marian giggled.

"i'm very amused by this," sierra noted, watching rhaymes storm off indignantly and trip over his blowgun.