Chomp and Circumstance

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, stood by the bar, and inhaled deeply. "i smell garlic, my friend, and i approve."

danny blake gave him a smile and poured him an ale. "lebanese-style stuffed eggplant and burkie's focaccia. you will not be disappointed."

"better bring me extra, then. thanks!"

cardigan took a sip from his pint and walked over to join his friends, pausing next to a table where three elderly women sat. "good evening, ladies."

"hello, gavin," ruby smiled at him, waving a TEAM FOXY pennant at him.

"you need hair cut," pearl told him, clutching a TEAM SIERRA pennant in her hand.

"nice shirt," esmerelda smirked.

"thank--," gavin realized he was wearing a pink shirt, glared at esmerelda, then glared at the pennants and hissed, "put those things away!"

"hey, cardigan," sierra charles greeted him.

"what's up, charles?" he took the seat next to her.

"i'm going to host the miss california pageant," sierra told him.

"co-host," taylor put in.

"co-host, huh? who's the other co-host?"

"cole king."

"cole king? i've never heard of him."

"he was on American Idol," Mysterious Lurker informed him. "he didn't win, but he was very charismatic and popular."

"and handsome," sierra added. "isn't he marian?"

"huh? oh, yeah. he's all right, i guess," mairan elfman shrugged.

"it's okay, duckie. i won't get jealous if you think another man is handsome," taylor patted her head.

that earned taylor a look for which burkie has no words.

"that's an odd name," danny commented as he delivered cardigan's meal. "cole king. it sounds like caulking."

"i think i remember reading somewhere that he changed his name or something," the Lurker noted as her hair changed from black to red.

"he changed his name to that?" cardigan said after swallowing a forkfull of eggplant and giving danny a thumb's up. "it must've been pretty bad before. marian, why don't you look it up on your laptop?"

"oh, um, i think my battery is getting low," she mumbled. "i don't want to waste it on something as silly as that. look, it's the judge!"

they turned to see judge st. bishop stride into the Pub at his usual brisk pace.

"good evening, your honor," taylor greeted him. "how's the courtroom drama these days?"

"it gets more complicated every day," the judge sighed. "no, actually, that's not true. the law never changes. people just complicate their lives more and more everyday. unnecessarily."

he reached over and stole some of cardigan's focaccia. "this smells terrific, danny. can you bring some more? thanks!"

cardigan glared at the judge and moved his plate to the other side.

"your honor, did you hear? sierra is going to co-host the miss california pageant with cole king." the Lurker informed him.

"cole king? the guy from Idol who changed his name from King Cole?"

cardigan and sierra looked at each other, then over at marian, who was red-faced and staring a little too intently at her fingernails, and started laughing.

"old king cole was a merry old soul!"

"and a merry old soul was he!"

"marian, did you really used to date him before he changed his name?" the Lurker asked her, aware that marian had a baker's dozen of ex-boyfriends with nursery rhyme names.

"he was very merry," marian muttered. "but he partied too much for my liking."

"i'm going to enjoy this job more than i thought," sierra grinned.

Snapshots: She Lurks In Mysterious Ways

"this Nigel person is fascinating," Mysterious Lurker thought approvingly as she traveled through the screenplay.

"whoa!"

the Lurker slid back behind the wall, peering carefully through the gap in the window blind as two women engaged in a knock-down, no-holds-barred fight to the death.

"that is one seriously pissed-off chick!" she whispered to herself as the victor sliced off her foe's ears before killing her. "but ears? no. it's either too graphic for a woman, or not graphic enough for a seriously pissed-off woman."

she thought about this, then made a modification to the script, nodding to herself. "much better."

"good grief!"

the Lurker shook her head as the female protagonist engaged in yet another confrontation, this time wearing a skin-tight black suit reminiscent of Catwoman.

"too hackneyed." she changed it to a smart business suit and watched for a bit, then erased her new description. she thought another minute, then her eyes lit up and she started writing again. "yellow. an homage to the master. perfect!"

she continued to skim through the script, making minor corrections here and there. she reached the end and leaned back, exhausted and mostly satisfied.

"very clever, and just the right balance of camp & violence to be thoroughly entertaining. it's just this Nigel person. so complex and fascinating, and certainly worthy of being the target of cold revenge. it's just....Nigel...that's the problem. How can somebody named Nigel be this evil?"

she stared at the heart tattoo on her arm with the name Nigel written across it. Nigel faded out to be replaced with Kevin, followed by Steve, Gilbert, Maximillian, Pierre, Gomez, Bill..."Bill," she read aloud. "Kill Bill. i like it!"

Something Liquid This Way Comes

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and hung up his jacket. "it's a fine, blustery san francisco july out there, danny boy!"

danny blake nodded from behind the bar. "aye, it is. and a great day for a Guinness and a plateful of summer squash enchiladas."

cardigan took the pint gratefully, but raised a dubious eyebrow. "summer squash enchiladas?"

"trust me. have i ever let you down? has the word enchiladas ever let you down?"

"good points."

cardigan turned to join his friends at their regular table and stopped abruptly. "where is everybody?"

danny shrugged. "they're not here yet. you're the first one tonight."

"i'm never first. everyone else is supposed to be here, and then they draw me into their ridiculous conversations." he fumed. "what do i do now?"

"gavin! come. sit!"

he turned toward the other corner of the Pub to see a white-haired elderly asian woman waving him over to where she sat, flanked by two other women of a similar age. he shrugged and approached the table. "good evening, ladies."

the dark-haired hispanic woman wearing a bright green scarf around her hair kicked a vacant chair toward him. "buenas noches, gavin. i'm esmerrrelda."

the third woman, her hair dyed an atrocious shade of red, held out her hand and smiled. "i'm ruby," she said, then nodded toward the white-haired woman, "and that's pearl."

"i'm gavin, but you seem to know that already."

pearl laughed. "we here every night, just like you!"

"really?"

esmerelda rolled her eyes. "you always go strrraight for your friends and never look at us."

"not that we mind," ruby added. "we enjoying listening to you and watching you."

"i think you and sierra make couple," pearl stated with conviction.

"i think you're sweet on foxy," ruby squeezed his other hand and winked.

esmerelda drained her beer. "i think you are a gay."

"what?!"

esmerelda shrugged. "we are okay with it. this is san frrrancisco."

"well, i'm okay with it, too, but i'm not gay," cardigan insisted.

"so you say. danny, another rrround!" esmerelda pointed at the empty glasses as danny delivered gavin's enchiladas.

"when are you going to start serving scotch like a real bartender, danny?" ruby demanded.

"when are you going to stop asking me that, ruby?"

cardigan tucked into the enchiladas. "good lord! i never knew squash could taste this good."

just then, he heard voices and footsteps at the front and he turned to see sierra charles, marian elfman, taylor young, tucker, linda nulo, Mysterious Lurker, burkie's friend ava, and sgt. tarboom "boom-boom" shakalaka walk exchange pleasantries with danny and then walk back to their regular table.

ruby waved him before he could speak up. "go, go on with your friends. we're interested in hearing what they've been up to, too."

"tell danny blake hurry with beer," pearl told cardigan as he stood up with his enchiladas.

"gavin!" marian greeted him as he took his seat. "you'll never guess where we've been!"

"to see shakespeare in the park?"

"why would we do that?" boom-boom asked, pointing at the english language's greatest dramatist talking to danny behind the bar. "he's right over there."

"we've been practicing roller derby," linda told him, wincing as she took her seat.

"roller derby? why?"

"we formed a team!" marian said. "it was the Lurker's idea."

"i was inspired by the movie Whip It!, starring ellen page," the Lurker explained. "have you seen it?"

cardigan drained his beer, signaled danny for another, and shook his head. "no, but i've seen roller derby. it's rough, but fun. the girls all have crazy names, right?"

"i'm Mel O'Drama!" marian proclaimed proudly.

"i'm L.N. Rage," linda nulo said.

"i'm Bitch Cassidy," the Lurker grinned, then tilted her head toward her apprentice, burkie's friend ava. "and ava is The Lapdance Kid."

"i'm boom-boom shakalaka," boom-boom noted.

"right, why mess with a good thing?" cardigan approved. "how about you, charles?"

sierra shook her head. "i'm not a skater. i own the team. The Sierra Cadres!"

cardigan rolled his eyes.

"and i'm training to be a roller derby announcer," taylor, um, announced. "i'm The Count."

"i guess i'm the only one here without a nickname," cardigan murmured.

"you can have a name, gavin," the Lurker told him. "we still need a coach."

"um, no thanks."

"why not?"

"i'm not coach material. how about dat? he already has a nickname."

"hmph. you're no fun."

Snapshots: Life Is Good For A Guitar Man

(E) high school was a torture

(E) he never quite fit in

(E) the jocks & the geeks & the stoners

(E) they weren't what he called friends

(A) girls were on his radar screen

(A) but they just flew on by

(E) he learned what the teachers taught him

(E) but they never taught him why

(B7) but friday nights he'd step into

(A) a whole new different world ((3 beats on the bass drum))

(E) hammer-on, hammer-on, slide and a (A) strum

uncle (E) ted's on bass and the (B7) preacher's on (E) drums

(E) playing all night with a rag-tag (A) band

(E) life is good for a (B7) guitar (E) man

(D) heyyyyyyy (A) heyyyyyy (E) hey

(D) heyyyyyyy (A) heyyyyyy (B7) hey

(E) his sister went to college

(E) his brother went to work

(E) his daddy died in combat

(E) his mama went to church

(A) but work & school were not exactly

(A) what he'd had in mind

(E) so he went out and accepted any gig that he could find

(B7) from coffee shops to weddings he could

(A) always find a stage ((3 beats on the bass drum))

(E) hammer-on, hammer-on, slide and a (A) strum

(E) tucker's in the house, every- (B7) -body (E) come

(E) going on the road, playing one-night (A) stands

(E) life is good for a (B7) guitar (E) man

(D) heyyyyyyy (A) heyyyyyy (E) hey

(D) heyyyyyyy (A) heyyyyyy (B7) hey

(E) he didn't stay in Hiltons

(E) he didn't have a bus

(E) he never signed a record deal

(E) 'cause it wasn't worth the fuss

(A) he had no health insurance

(A) nor retirement plan

(E) he never files his taxes

(E) he's an independent man

(B7) he traded his tomorrows for a

(A) lifetime of todays ((3 beats on the bass drum))

(E) hammer-on, hammer-on, slide and a (A) strum

(E) i bet you know where he's (B7) coming from

(E) from tennessee to oregon and down to (A) louzianne

(E) life is good for a (B7) guitar (E) man

(E) life's sure good for a (B7) guitar (E) man

(E) i bet you wanna be a (B7) guitar (E) man