Oops Coffeecake

i'm not much of a cake eater, but i do like a crumb-y coffeecake and i wanted one today. i looked at the recipe in TNBR but it actually calls for dried bread crumbs in the crumb topping and that just didn't appeal to me, so i turned to the king arthur flour baker's companion instead. now, i was planning only to blog about recipes from TNBR this year, but i had to blog about this one because...it was a disaster. first, i made a deliberate substitution. my spousal unit recently learned that she is allergic to cinnamon of all things. cinnamon! i can't imagine....so i substituted freshly grated nutmeg, allspice, and a little ginger for the cinnamon in the crumb topping. then i made an tactical substitution: i used my last tsp. of vanilla for the crumb topping, leaving me without the 1 tsp. of vanilla called for in the cake recipe. i could have just gone without, but i decided to use my favorite substitute for vanilla: dark rum. so i made everything, put it all together, and baked it. and went the beeper went off, i checked it and...the topping was dry, uncooked, flour-y--UGLY and UNAPPETIZING. what did i do wrong? i checked the recipe. oh, no....the recipe calls for 2 sticks of butter for the crumb topping, and 1 stick of butter for the cake. i did the opposite. that can't be good. i took a crumb off the top of the cake; it wasn't good. at all. what to do? i really wanted coffeecake, but i didn't want to eat this and i didn't want to make a new one. so...i melted another stick of butter and poured it as evenly as i could over the crumb topping. i put it back in the oven. after a couple of minutes, nothing was happening. i made my final emergency move--i turned on the broiler. after a few minutes, the crumb was lightly browned and crisp. done! but would it really work? and what had the extra stick of butter done to the cake part underneath? i let the cake completely cool, then cut a piece and...gave it to my wife. she won't eat it; she hates everything. wait...she likes it! hey, wifey! i cut a piece for myself and...not bad. a little crunchy on top, a little heavy on the bottom, but....not bad at all. the substitute spice blend was really nice, the rum complemented the caribbean spices perfectly, and..well, there's nothing wrong with buttery. so, i post this as an example of a disaster that was salvaged. baking is supposed to be an exact science--the one genre of cooking where everything has to be precise. don't believe it! that's just a myth perpetuated by the man to keep us down! which man, i'm not sure...probably mr. entemman.

((nevertheless, i'll follow the recipe next time))

The Best Buttermilk Biscuit Recipe

i know my friend the biscuit pusher is already shaking her head because of how much she likes her buttermilk biscuit recipe, and with good reason. hers are tender and buttery, require no additional accoutrement such as butter or jam or gravy, and work equally well with breakfast, dinner, or a snack. TNBR's buttermilk biscuit recipe is not the same. these bisuits are a little bit more versatile and all-purpose. there is only 1 stick of butter (and no other fat) rather than 2. they are very soft and tender (equal amounts of cake and all-purpose flours) almost to the point of being crumbly. they brown well and have decent rise. they are hand-formed rather than rolled and cut. i think it's a very good recipe--they're quick, easy, and tasty. they are not as good as maddog's when eaten all by themselves, but they are mighty tasty when adding a pat of butter to one fresh from the oven, or some jam, or a ladle full of gravy (as i did) or a sausage patty. so, maybe not the best, but depending on what you want to use your biscuit for, a very good recipe.

The San Francisco White Sox

"good evening, everybody!" gavin cardigan shouted out his greeting as he entered the Pub. "what's on the menu, danny? i'm hungry."

"welsh rarebit," danny blake replied, pouring his friend a Guinness. "in your honor."

"my honor? well, thank you," cardigan grinned as he accepted his pint. "or as they say in wales, 'thank you, mate!'" he added with a accent of dubious authenticity.

"hey, cardigan," sierra charlie waved him over to their regular table. "how's your day been?"

"busy," he admitted as he settled down into his stool. "burkie finally got around to giving me a new case and i've been working on it all day."

"really?" marian elfman asked excitedly. "what's it about?"

"the mayor's corgi has been dognapped."

"you mean monte?" taylor asked in surprise. "how could you dognap him? i think he's more famous than the mayor."

"didn't you shoot some ads with him, sierra?" Mysterious Lurker appeared suddenly, her hair neon pink.

"yes," sierra nodded. "we did some public awareness spots about the dangers of acid rain. i hope monte's okay. he's such a little cutie with his pointy ears and white socks."

"you definitely have a thing for pointy ears, don't you charles?" cardigan teased her. "first spock, now monte. is yoda next?"

"i remember that campaign," danny commented as he delivered cardigan's welsh rarebit. "you talked about the fact that corgis are safe from acid rain because of their water-repellent fur, but the rest of us aren't so lucky. hey cardigan, did you know that corgis are welsh, too?"

cardigan had just placed a forkful of the cheese-y toast into his mouth and was chewing thoughtfully. "if you dognapped monte to make this, i'll buy you a kennel of corgis."

"that's not nice, gavin!" marian stomped her foot. "monte is our city's unofficial mascot. what's the ransom?"

"removal of tolls as you cross the bridge from oakland," cardigan replied. "which means the suspect more than likely lives in oakland and works in san francisco. that's why i'm working the case instead of the police because most san francisco police officers can't afford to live in the city, so they live in oakland instead. they would seem to have a conflict of interest in this case."

"so you've been in oakland all day? i'm sorry, man." taylor commiserated.

"not today. i'll be there tomorrow, though. i was looking into the circumstances of monte's abduction today. turns out that the mayor's personal assistant was taking monte for a walk last night and got mugged. well, none other than our good friend The Black Darter was lurking in the neighborhood and--"

"don't EVER use the word 'lurking' or any other form of the verb 'to lurk' in association with The Black Darter!" the Lurker was indignant, tugging on the thick braid of her now black hair.

"oh no," sierra groaned. "let me guess. dat shot the mayor's assistant instead of the mugger and monte ran off."

"ding ding ding! right the first time." cardigan drained his pint. "i visited her in the hospital. she'll be fine. dat's dart just made her dizzy. actually, she's more than fine. remind me to thank dat."

"gavin! are you going out with her?" marian look scandalized. "that's not ethical, is it?"

"i don't care if it's ethical or not. burkie finally gave me shot at romance in this story and i'm not going to waste it."

"what's her name, gavin?" the Lurker asked.

"kim. kim park."

marian exchanged a look with sierra and the Lurker. "kim park?"

"yes, why?"

shakespeare walked over to collect the dirty dishes. "methinks thou hast the making of a fine tragedy inside you, friend gavin. or a comedy of errors. say, i like the sound of that. a comedy of errors...hmmm...."

**Note: i wrote and published this post without knowledge that three Oakland police officers were slain and another crticially wounded yesterday in a terrible, terrible act of violence. please do not take my silly writings as an indication of insensitivity toward police officers or the city of Oakland. my heart is with the family and friends of those police officers and the citizens of Oakland.

The Best Butterscotch Pie Recipe

maddog told me that today was pie day (you know, pi day, 3.14). so i looked into TNBR and found a recipe for butterscotch pie and thought that would be fun. they should call it a Werther's pie because that's exactly what it tastes like. i learned a couple of interesting techniques from the book when making this. it suggests that when rolling out your pie crust, you should use graham cracker crumbs instead of flour to coat the top and bottom whenever you make cream pies like this. it keeps the crust from getting soggy and gives it a nice graham cracker flavor. the other cool tip was that when baking the unfilled pie shell, line it with foil and weight it down with pennies instead of dried beans or rice. they weigh more and conduct heat better and you don't have to waste beans or rice or buy those twee pie weights. the crust turned out perfect. very crisp yet flaky, the graham flavor comes through and compliments the butterscotch nicely. i have to tell you, though. a little of it goes a long way. i can easily eat half of any kind of pie in a single sitting if i wanted...or dared...under most any circumstances, but not with this pie. it's good, but only in small doses. this is a good one to make when you have to feed a lot of people :)

CYA: Sierra & Henry Option 1

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


sierra and henry appeared in the middle of a corridor of a building on the campus of boston university. they were nekkid.

sierra shrieked and ran down the corridor into a room. henry scurried after her and closed the door.

"why are we nekkid?!" she yelled at him. "and turn around!"

henry sighed as he turned his back on her. "i tried to explain, but you wouldn't let me. every time i timetravel, my clothes don't come with me."

sierra glared at his backside while, simultaneously, admiring the view. "that's an annoying power you have!"

"if it makes you feel any better, i didn't choose it; i was born with it."

"hmph. well, go out and find us something to wear!"

henry poked his head out the door, looked both directions, then darted down the hallway to another room. then another. then another. finally, he returned wearing a black graduation gown and held another one out to sierra. "here, wear this!"


Click here to stay on campus

Click here to go off campus

The Alchemist

when i asked for recommendations for the year, lauren suggested a book called The Alchemist, which i'll confess i'd never heard of. apparently, it's one of the bestselling books in the entire world. it was written and originally published in portuguese, the author being a brazilian named paolo coelho. after giving it a little thought, i decided to read it the english translation rather than the original portuguese, mainly because ben loaned me a copy that was in english. thanks, ben. also, i don't know portuguese. The Alchemist is a short, simple story about a young sheep herder in spain named Santiago. it's a parable really, and teaches the lesson of staying true to your dream...if you're lucky enough to have a dream, that is. it's a very spiritual story that resonates equally among christians and muslims and buddhists and wiccans and even sheep. that's the secret to its success. it's not a brilliant original premise, it doesn't have an unforeseen twist, it doesn't have memorable characters. what it has is universal appeal. it speaks to everyone who has ever wanted to accomplish something...but never made it. it talks about the little things that make or break your personal journey--faith, or lack thereof; self-esteem, or lack thereof; commitment, or lack thereof; and love. that's why the book is successful and beloved. though i have a couple of minor quibbles, i'm glad i read it. thanks, lauren. ((and ben))

Montana Territory

"howdy, y'all!" gavin cardigan called out as he entered the pub. "what's on the menu tonight, danny boy?"

"mu shu pork," danny replied, pouring a pint for cardigan. "i'll rustle you up some in a moment."

"thanks, hoss," cardigan accepted the beer and walked to join his friends at their regular table. "how's the puzzle-solving going?"

sierra shook her head. "not good. we're thinking that maybe the + in 'E + R' is supposed to be a T. can you think of a place with ETR...?"

cardigan grunted. "not off the top of my head, and i'm not inclined to give it any more thought than that."

"why not, gavin?" marian elfman inquired. "aren't you curious as to where our story is taking place?"

"curious, yes," cardigan answered. "but i don't want to put myself in the position of trying to think like burkie. that road can only lead to madness, or smugness, or some other kind of -ness that i'd rather not take on, thank you very much."

"it makes me think of eTrade," Mysterious Lurker noted, the tattoo on her arm showing a Dow-Jones graph. "and that would tie in to 'Wall Street' in the third clue, but i can't see that being right."

"it makes me think of etruscan," blade commented as he delivered cardigan's mu shu pork. "but i don't think we're in tuscany, more's the pity." he turned toward the door as he heard somebody enter. "oh, look who's here!"

cardigan looked up, his customary scowl disappearing. "foxy!"

foxy charles walked over, her cheeks turning slightly pink at the reception. "hi, guys. it's good to see you."

"hey, sis. maybe you can help us," sierra pulled a stool up next to her. "burkie left us these clues to tell us where we are, but we can't figure them out."

"really?" foxy took the sheet of paper and read the clues:

E + R

A target for bullies

It's the real thing on Wall Street

foxy swayed her head from side to side a couple of times as she contemplated the clues, then smiled. "oh, how fun! i'm glad that's where we are."

"how'd you do that?" taylor young spilled beer down his shirt in surprise.

foxy shrugged. "it's not that hard."

"well, what is it?" cardigan couldn't help but be interested.

"take the first clue," foxy explained. "burkie studied chinese, remember? so, with that in mind, listen to the clue as you say it."

sierra pounded her forehead on the table several time. "how could i have missed that?!"

"as for the second clue," foxy continued, "the target of a bully is a sissy. so, who is famous for being a sissy? or rather, A-S-S-I-S-I?"

taylor groaned. "that's a terrible clue. still, i should've known."

foxy grinned. "and i can understand why you might not have guessed the third clue, since you haven't taken burkie's course on American Popular Culture. 'the real thing' was a popular slogan for a Coke. i expect that if you look up Coca-Cola in the New York Stock Exchange, the abbreviation will give you the final clue."

marian made a face. "not fair! that was before my time! how was i supposed to know that?"

"san francisco," cardigan mused as he filled a mu shu wrapper. "i like that. it has a good noir feel to it. hopefully, burkie will start giving me some interesting cases to solve."

"and i should get some good letters to respond to," advice columnist marian observed. "san francisco has a rich tradition of journalistic excellence."

"you know," the Lurker said with a wink at sierra, "san francisco is known for having a sizable gay population, so the odds are that at least one of use is gay. and since gavin hasn't been out with anybody yet..."

gavin glared. "believe me, i'm not gay. if i were, i'd have probably had some action by now. besides, special assistant hepzibah is our representative from that community."

"hepzibah is a lesbian?" taylor asked.

marian rolled her eyes. "of course she is! don't you remember how she reacted to officer shakalaka?"

"who's special assistant hepzibah?" foxy wondered.

"burkie's assistant," sierra replied, winking at her sister. "she's cute. you should meet her."

cardigan choked on his mu shu pork, looking in astonishment at foxy. foxy and sierra started giggling, exchanging a high-5.

"she's just teasing you, gavin," foxy laughed. "i'm straight, for what it's worth."

cardigan grumbled, cursing burkie under his breath. "i knew that."

"ah, poor gav," foxy kissed his cheek. "i'm on my way to see burkie and work on our book. i'll tell him he's been neglecting you."

"and me, too!" marian scowled.

"yeah, i have to admit, i haven't had a gig in a while, either," sierra confessed.

"and will you ask burkie if i can see my reflection?" taylor asked as he studied his fangs in marian's mirror.

"and ask him if has any writer's block suggestions for me," shakespeare instructed her as he came over to gather the dirty dishes. "hamlet knows who murdered his father now, but i can't figure out what he should do about it."

"i'll do my best," foxy answered, a little overwhelmed.

The Best Apple Crisp Recipe

hmmm, i've been doing a number of desserts lately, haven't i? i hope you don't mind; i don't. i like me some apple crisp. The New Best Recipe does to, but complains that, too often, apple crisp ain't that crisp. its recipe does not include oatmeal in the topping, which it claims makes it more of a crumble than a crisp, and adds chopped nuts instead along with some cinnamon and nutmeg. as for the apples, equal parts granny smith & macintosh, with a little lemon juice, zest, and sugar. the verdict? sweet, apple-y, and crisp. i licked the bowl clean. yep, it's a damn fine apple crisp. sorry you're not here to share.

er, disregard the date stamp on the photo. i used a different camera. it asked me whether i wanted to fix the date on it, and i said no. i didn't know it was gonna stamp the damn photo with it. time to rtfm, i guess. i hate electronica.

The Best Classic Creme Brulee Recipe

yes, my friends. this is the recipe that uses those 12 egg yolks, leaving me to look for a way to use the whites. and while i'm not crazy about angel food cake, i love crème brûlée. it is, i think, my favorite dessert ever. TNBR explains why it's my favorite: "Beneath the shattering sugar crust lay an interplay of creamy, cold, sweet, bitter, smooth, and crackly--perfect crème brûlée." i was really looking forward to this. too much, it turns out, because i rushed through the instructions. i was supposed to heat up the 2 cups of the heavy cream with the sugar, then let it rest, then add the remaining 2 cups of cold heavy cream to the mixture to cool it off. oops. i heated all 4 cups with the sugar. well...i used a cold water bath to cool the pan off afterward a little bit before i mixed in the yolks. as a result, well, i don't know what the difference would have been. this was good--it's crème brûlée, after all! but....the custard was a little firmer, and less silky, than i expected. plus, i only chilled it for 6 hours (again, impatient) and overnight would've been better (though the recipe says at least 4 hours). at this point, i think i prefer the dori greenspan version a little better (and it, surprisingly, didn't have you bake it in a water bath!), but clearly more experimentation will be required to make a final determination. damn!

The Best Angel Food Cake Recipe

i don't really care for angel food cake. it's too...rubbery. it's the eggs whites. i like the yolks a lot more than the whites. but, i was making a recipe that called for 12 egg yolks (more on this later), so i looked in The New Best Recipe for an angel food cake (the other people in the house like it) to use up those whites and, sure enough, it not only has a recipe but it also calls for exactly 12 egg whites. i love it when a plan comes to together. according to the book, the primary difference makers in angel food cake are flour (use cake flour and sift it twice), how to beat the egg whites (start at low and then move up to medium, but never high and never to the point of stiff peaks), and temperature (325 was voted best). i have to say that, for a guy who doesn't care much for angel food cake, i'm impressed by this recipe. it was lightly golden on the outside, and inside was delicate, firm, and white. it was not rubbery at all, sweet but not overwhelmingly so, with the vanilla & almond extracts providing just the right amount of flavor. all in all, i have to agree that this is the best angel food cake recipe.