(Speaking) of Michelangelo...

"howdy, everybody!" gavin cardigan hollered out as he entered the Pub.

"howdy, gavin," danny blake replied, pouring him a Bass Ale. "i've got some tex-mex cheese enchiladas with chili gravy. interested?"

"you have to ask? i thought you were smarter than that," cardigan took a swallow, then walked over to join his friends.

sierra charles pointed her fork at the plate of half-eaten enchiladas in front of her. "these are amazing."

marian elfman, the notorious cheese ho', nodded in agreement as she chewed with a smile on her face. cardigan wondered briefly how she was able to do that.

linda nulo looked up from her notebook. "burkie's from texas. he knows what good enchiladas are." she looked over at taylor young, her jaw tightening. "you're going down, vampire!"

taylor bared his fangs in her general direction. "i do my talking on the field, where i'm 2-0. what's your record again? oh, yeah. 1-1."

just then, an exuberant young man--well, no longer young, really...definitely on the back side of 30--with bright red hair came bouncing into the Pub. "h.t.s.e.b.d. everybody!"

marian made a face that looked kinda like this o.O as he approached the table. "i guess i'm early," he noted, looking around as if he expected to see more people.

"early for what?" Mysterious Lurker asked, her steely eyes glinting dangerously. "and who are you? and what does...whatever you said...mean?"

"why, Happy T.S. Eliot's BirthDay, of course!" he looked around, his smile refusing to give in to the disinterest dominating the room. "aren't you guys celebrating? i'm sean IX, by the way."

"sean icks?"

"not icks. those are roman numerals. i'm sean the ninth," he explained, as if that made perfect sense.

"the ninth what?"

"the ninth wonder of the modern world," he quipped, with a wink. "but you can call me sean."

"i prefer icks," cardigan muttered under his breath.

"why would you think we'd be celebrating t.s. eliot's birthday?" sierra asked.

"why, he's the coolest poet of all time," sean IX answered in a tone of conviction that this could not be disputed.

"i don't know about that," danny stated flatly as he delivered a plate of enchiladas to gavin.

"enchiladas?" sean IX shook his head. "that's not appropriate for eliot. he was american before he was british, but he wasn't a texan. how 'bout some bangers 'n mash?"

"no."

"eliot wasn't anywhere near as cool as poe," the Lurker noted, her raven hair falling across half her face. "poe died of mysterious causes. how did eliot die?"

"emphysema," sean IX expained, "but--"

"or sylvia plath!" marian noted gleefully. "she stuck her head in an oven!"

"i like coleridge," added taylor. "especially cristabel. did eliot ever write about vampires?"

"no, but--"

"hondo crouch wrote poems about luckenbach," linda pointed out. "you can't get cooler than that. plus, his name was hondo. and crouch."

"well, yes, but--"

"i like burkie's poetry," sierra broke in. "he won an award, you know. wait..." she shook her head violently. "i don't know why i said that."

cardigan rolled his eyes. "gee, i can't imagine why you'd say that."

"but eliot won the--"

"i like cliff lynn. he's a modern poet," cardigan continued, ignoring the indefatigable eliot fanatic. "he's won an award, too."

a neat, balding man with a little beard came forward to collect their plates. "dr. seuss is the coolest poet of any age," he declared, um, declaratively.

"except for yourself, shakespeare," cardigan slapped him on the back. "you da man!"

"and this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and coolness in everything," shakespeare replied, bringing the debate to an end.

Let's Get Ready To GRUMBLE!

"howdy, everyone!" gavin cardigan called out as he entered the Pub.

"how's it going, gavin?" danny blake greeted his friend from behind the bar, where he was pouring him a beer.

"great, since i kicked charles' ass in fantasy football this week!" he beamed, glancing over at the sulking sierra charles. "what's for dinner tonight?"

"huevos conFusion," blake replied. "perhaps the greatest bachelor meal of all time."

"my kinda meal...apparently," cardigan grumbled as he took his beer over to the table to join the others. "good game, charles!"

sierra charles raised an elegant middle finger and held it up for caridgan's inspection.

"now, now," burkie admonished her. "it's just a game."

"hmph," sierra grunted. "he only won by 2 points. if i had played the jets' defense instead of new england's, i would've won."

"you've certainly learned the number one rule in fantasy football," league commissioner linda nulo noted sourly. "claiming a win based on who you didn't start."

"rule number two is to complain that you would've beaten any other team in the league except for the one you played that week," judge st. bishop pointed out, rather smugly.

linda raised her own middle finger, muttering an unkind word under her breath.

"okay, that's enough," burkie said nervously. "it's just a friendly game."

marian elfman made a grumpy face. "why are you here anyway, burkie? you aren't in the league."

"i'm here to make an announcement, on your behalf, as it happens," their handsome creator told her.

"oh! what? what?"

"i'm inviting the entire readership to seek your advice by sending you emails at marianelfman47@gmail.com," he informed the author of the syndicated advice column Don't Be So Melodramatic!

"i have an email account? burkie, you're awesome!" she stood up and did a little victory dance.

it lasted quite a long time.

she finally stopped when danny walked over with caridgan's dinner. "uh, was that clunking?"

marian scrunched up her face and stomped her foot. "not clunk, danny. krump! it stands for Kingdom Radically Uplifted Mighty Praise!"

"you're kidding, right?" cardigan tucked into his huevos conFusion. "damn, this stuff tastes so much better than it has any right to."

"burkie, can i borrow special assistant hepzibah to help me keep up with all the mail?" marian asked hopefully.

"honey, you forget that burkie only has about 5 readers," taylor young reminded her. "i don't think you'll need a staff."

"hmph."

CYA: The Judge & The ChronoGuard--Apocalypse Averted

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


ChronoGuard Ben answered his phone. "yes? heavens to murgatroyd! we'll be right there!"

"what do you mean?" the judge asked. "we have to rescue you!"

"this is more important. you'll understand when we get there!"

they were already fading out when ChronoGuard Ben spoke those words, only to appear outdoors under a star-filled sky.

"where--and when--are we?" the judge asked.

"shhhh!" ChronoGuard Ben told him. "central texas, 1983.

"why?"

ChronoGuard led him to a window. "look in there."

the judge peered inside and gasped. "that's burkie! what's he doing?"

"studying literature from an episcopal seminary. he's thinking about enrolling."

"burkie? a priest?!"

ChronoGuard Ben nodded grimly.

"why, that's unthinkable! we need to stop him!"

"i have an idea," ChronoGuard Ben whispered. "follow me, and be quiet."

they made their way silently into the house and entered burkie's bedroom.

"what a mess," the judge declared.

ChronoGuard Ben pulled a magazine from inside his jacket and placed it on burkie's pillow. "there! that should do it."

the judge looked at the magazine. "Soldier of Fortune?"

"exactly! one look at this and burkie will turn away from the priesthood and toward the army, and all will be right with the world again."


Click here if you're still trying to wrap your head around what you just read

Click here if you're trying to block it out of your mind

Lazy Day

"howdy, everyone!" gavin cardigan called out as he entered the Pub.

"howdy, gavin," danny blake greeted him from behind the bar as her poured an ale. "fancy some shrimp & grits tonight, along with some of burkie's french bread?"

cardigan drew in a deep breath of contentment. "life doesn't get better than this."

danny grinned as he handed cardigan his pint. "that's why we're fictional."

"i'll drink to that."

cardigan walked over to join his friends at their regular table. "happy labor day, everybody!"

"what's the purpose of labor day, anyway?" marian elfman asked. "i mean, we celebrate the fact that we have a job by not going to work?"

"i thought it was to celebrate all the great people who were born in september and to give thanks to their mothers who went into labor to deliver them," sierra charles stated, then shook herself. "wait, i don't know why i said that. i wasn't born in september...oh, burkie must've made me say it."

"we're fictional. we weren't born at all," cardigan pointed out.

"i'm undead, so i was actually unborn," taylor young noted, baring his fangs.

"i'm neither dead, nor fictional, so i was very definitely born," benjamin franklin interjected. "in january, as a matter of fact."

"we should have more holidays," danny declared as he delivered cardigan's shrimp & grits and a loaf of bread. "we should have at least one holiday every month, but there aren't any in march, april, june, or august."

sierra stuck her fork into one of cardigan's shrimp and brought it to her mouth. "i agree. maybe we should have a National Shrimp Day."

cardigan glared at her and moved his plate in the opposite direction. "i thought you were a bacon ho'."

"there should be a National Bacon Day, too."

"we already have food holidays like thanksgiving and christmas," taylor said. "we should have a Day of the Dead like they do in mexico. or even better, a Day of the Undead."

"um, i don't think thanksgiving and christmas are supposed to be food holidays," Mysterious Lurker spoke up suddenly. "but i like the idea of a Day of the Dead." she showed off the skull tattoo that suddenly appeared on her left arm.

"we already have Presidents Day and Martin Luther King Jr. day and Memorial Day, so we already celebrate dead people," sierra observed.

"we should celebrate folk singers," tucker put in, strumming a chord.

woody showed us that this land
was made for you and me
dylan taught us it's all right
to question who we be
van zandt flew both low and high
pete seeger overcame
that we don't celebrate their
contributions is a shame

"the arts are certainly underrepresented," the Lurker acknowledged. "but so is the animal kingdom. we should have a National Pet Appreciation Day. right, monte?" she turned toward the cardigan welsh corgi lying on his pillow by the fireplace, who winked at her.

at that moment, judge st. bishop stormed into the Pub. "we should have a day that honors our Constitution," he declared as he approached the table. "it is the foundation of our country's greatness. hey danny, can i get some of this? it smells great."

"super bowl sunday," linda nulo stated with finality. "it probably draws more people together than any other day of the year. which reminds me, the nfl season kicks off this thursday, so get your fantasy rosters ready."

"none of our holidays honor a woman," marian scowled. "we should have a holiday for susan b. anthony or sojourner truth."

"what do you think, gavin?" sierra asked. "you haven't made any suggestions."

"i think we should ask ourselves what we're really after here," cardigan mused. "do we just want to celebrate four deserving causes, or do we want four more paid holidays?"

"four more paid holidays," they all said in unison.

"then let's go the easy route and just legitimize something already observed in those months. for march, i think we can all agree on March 14th. it's not only albert einstein's birthday but also pi day as well as pie day."

"here, here!" the judge raised his pint in agreement.

"for april," cardigan continued, "i'd suggest April 23rd, shakespeare's birthday."

the great elizabethan dramatist blushed as he bussed their table. "you do me great honor, friend cardigan."

"to shakespeare!" marian raised her glass. "now, how about june?"

"easy," cardigan grinned. "June 15th is National Fly A Kite Day in honor of mr. franklin's famous experiment."

the Pub's token founding father rose from his seat and bowed. "glad to be of service!"

"to mr. franklin!" the Lurker leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"and august 16th can be National Rock 'n Roller Coaster Day."

"huh?"

"well, august 16th is both Roller Coaster Day and the anniversary of elvis' death--"

"alleged death," broke in tucker.

"isn't it odd that elvis hasn't shown up in the Pub?" sierra mused. "he seems like a natural for burkie to weave into the story."

"is this foreshadowing?"

"i don't know. after all, we already have a musician here," cardigan indicated tucker.

"how do you know i'm not elvis?" tucker replied, curling his lip.

"oh, no...."

CYA: Juliet & The Darter, A Love Story

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


there was an awkward silence.

"ummm....this was unexpected," the darter mutter, blushing furiously.

juliet nodded, looking as if she'd rather be anywhere else on earth or on transexual. "yes, it certainly is."

the darter reached for her hand, flinching when she shuddered. "oh, sorry."

"no, i'm sorry. it's just...it's a little chilly here."

the darter pulled off his long leather coat and draped it around her shoulders. "here, maybe this will help."

juliet gave him a weak smile. "thank you, dat. you're a true gentleman."

they strolled companionably through a park, stopping to admire a statue of dr. frank n. furter.

"he's quite flamboyant, isn't he?"

"he was an inspiration to me, that's for sure," juliet agreed.

they circled their way back to the house as the suns were going down.

"so, ummm, what do we do now?" the darter asked.

juliet thought quickly. "oh, i know!" she faced him, putting her hands up shoulder-height with the palms facing the darter.

"now, put your palms against mine, dat."

the darter did as she instructed.

"okay, we're going to move our hands back away from each other, but letting our arms remain in contact until our elbows meet, hold, then reverse until our palms meet again."

the darter realized they would be imitating the local mating ritual on transexual. "brilliant idea, juliet!"

"on three," juliet told him. "one...two...DAT!"

he jumped the gun at two, throwing them off-balance and almost causing them to fall.

"i'm sorry, i'm just nervous," the darter apologized. "this is my first time."

juliet rolled her eyes and put her hands up. "let's try again, shall we? one...two...three!"

they moved their hands away from each other, bringing their elbows up.

"good, now back down again."

they brought their hands back together, exhaled, then dropped them down to their sides.

"so...was it good for you?"

"oh, lover. you were amazing," juliet replied, not bothering to disguise her sarcasm. "come on, let's get back to the pub. i need a drink. or two. or five."


THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Reader,

You have reached the end of your adventure. I hope you enjoyed it! If not, well, you only have yourself to blame because, you know, you chose it yourself. Also, since you--not I--chose this adventure, it did not really take place in the Burkieverse and, therefore, will not have any continuity with the regular Poor Yorick's Pub chapters. Thanks for playing and, if you're in the mood to try another adventure, go back to the beginning and choose a different path!

The Best (Quick) Turkey Burger

so an unnamed person complained that i haven't blog about food in a while, so i looked in the book for something quick and easy, and found turkey burgers. the recipe for the best turkey burgers requires you to buy whole turkey legs, skin and bone them, grind the meat, blah blah....now, i don't expect a turkey burger to be a poor substitute for a beef burger. i expect it to be a good turkey burger--a ground turkey soundwich, if you will, and i don't compare them to a beef burger. BUT...i'm not going to all that trouble for a turkey burger! luckily, it had a quick version that offers plenty of taste. the key to making a turkey burger moist and flavorful is to add ricotta cheese to the meat (along with some worcestershire and dijon mustard), according to the book. and the verdict is....it's good! in fact, it may well be the best turkey burger i've ever eaten (i haven't eaten a lot). it wasn't as good as a beef burger, and it was still pretty bland (and i'm not sure you're saving a lot on fat when you add ricotta cheese) but my spousal unit really liked it so, thumbs up!