Impatient Mug Coveter

dear marian,
it's been a full 2 days since i submitted my pick for burkie's mug giveaway. i feel pretty confident in my pick because who better for sierra than tim gunn? in any case, i have some delish coffee waiting to be drunken...dranken...drunk...drank...drinked in the pub mug -- and i want to, no, need to know -- when will the winner be announced?
thirstily waiting,
the mug coveter

Dear M.C.,

The picks are in, Burkie and S.A. Hepzibah have conferred, and according to a special source, a winner has been chosen. However you will have to wait along with everyone else to find out the winner! Have patience; all will be revealed in good time. For the time being, use another mug and seriously, don't be so melodramatic!

Marian Elfman

The Waitress & The Waiter

"hey, danny boy! what're we eating tonight?" cardigan hung up his coat by the door as he entered the Pub.

"corn dogs." danny blake was already pouring a beer for his best customer.

"have i told you lately that i love you?" cardigan picked up his beer. "how come nobody has married you yet?"

blake shrugged. "i'm too high-maintenance."

cardigan walked over to join the regulars at the table. "what's up, guys & dolls?"

"marian's choosing a new question to answer for her column," sierra replied.

"how about this one?" marian began to read out loud:

dear marian,

i work as a waitress in a busy restaurant. one of the waiters here is always telling the customers lies and outrageous stories. he'll tell one table his name is "giovanni" and tell another table that his name is "leroy." he claims to be a bullrider, or an associate professor, or a former soldier who caught a bullet in iraq, or other outright lies like that. i admit he does his share of the work around here, but i don't think it's right to tell lies. what do you think?

signed,

the truthful waitress

"he sounds fun," Mysterious Lurker noted, twirling her dirty blonde hair in her fingers. "danny, why don't you hire him to work here?"

blake walked up to deliver a platter of corn dogs and a squeeze bottle of mustard. "yeah, he sounds like your kind of person, all right." he blinked as the raven-haired Lurker bit into a corn dog, then shook his head. "besides, i have all the help i need around here," he added, jerking his head in the direction of a tall man sitting at the end of the bar, with short black hair and pointed ears.

"who is that?" cardigan asked. "and what happened to rachel?."

"she walked out, saying burkie never did develop her character since he introduced her back in chapter 3. so i hired mr. spock."

"mr. spock?" cardigan was startled. "but he's a fictional character! he's not real."

"neither are you, mr. cardigan," spock interrupted. "therefore, it is only logical that i can exist wherever you exist."

"what's wrong, sierra?" taylor asked, seeing that her face was flushed.

marian snickered. "she used to have a crush on spock."

caridgan looked at her in surprise. "really? i would've pegged you for a captain picard groupie."

"no, that's me," said the Lurker dreamily. "he had the cutest bald head."

"i liked will crusher," said marian.

"he's a devoted Geocacher, you know," taylor pointed out. "well, the actor that plays him is."

marian looked at him. "why do you know that, taylor?"

"well, i don't, but burkie does and he wanted me to point it out. burkie likes geocaching."

"why would spock take a job in a pub?" cardigan asked. "that doesn't sound logical to me."

"because i needed a job," spock replied. "there is no series and no movies that include me. i even got kicked off the priceline.com commercials."

"well, what do you think of marian's letter? how would you answer it?" the Lurker wanted to know.

"there is nothing for the man to gain by telling those lies; he is only causing confusion. logic would dictate that he stick to the truth."

"logic would also dictate that you do more than just sit there if you work here," blake grumbled. "i'm sure i can have burkie develop rachel's character and replace you."

spock nodded and placed an apron over his head and reached around to tie the straps around his back. "i'll just go wash some dishes, then."

cardigan looked at sierra, who was still blushing. "come on, charles, you can't still have a crush on him, can you? i mean, those ears are really pointed!"

"much like an elf's would be," marian said musingly. "taylor, can you make your ears pointed?"

"i could, but then sierra might have a crush on me, too," taylor grinned, showing his fangs.

"i never had a crush on mr. spock!" she declared, unconvincingly. "can we get back to marian's letter?"

"i think she should take care of her own customers and let him take care of his," marian declared. "his customers don't seem to mind his creativity. beside, she shouldn't be so melodramatic!"

Lonesome, Ornery, and Mean

gavin cardigan strode into Poor Yorick's Pub, shaking off the cold. "what's on the menu today, danny boy?"

"pinto beans and cornbread."

"it's not that sweet cornbread crap, is it?" cardigan started cracking his knuckles menacingly.

"nah, it's from a cool texas lady living in new york. not one iota of sugar in it." blake looked offended. "you know me better than that, cardigan."

"bring it on, then." he took the bass ale danny had poured for him and went over to join sierra and marian at the table. "what are you two up to?"

sierra said, "marian got an interesting question today."

marian read from her laptop:

Dear Marian,

My coworkers think it is their mission in life to set me up with somebody. since when is it a crime to single? it's bad enough i have to put up with this from my mother and friends, but why should my coworkers care? my work isn't suffering because i'm single. when i say i'm not interested in somebody they've picked out, they see it as a challenge and try even harder. why can't they just leave me alone?

Signed,
Lonesome, Ornery, and Mean

cardigan looked interested. "did she include a picture?"

marian replied, "no, but she sounds cute."

"how do you know it's a woman?" sierra asked. "what woman refers to herself as 'lonesome, ornery, and mean'? that doesn't sound cute to me."

"guys don't normally care if people try to set them up," cardigan replied.

"unless they're gay," blake nodded as he delivered the beans and cornbread. "one of my customers said that after he came out at work, his coworkers were always trying to set him up with their son's piano tuner or something. he says it's their way of showing support."

"no, he doesn't sound gay to me," Mysterious Lurker commented.

blake turned to look at the redheaded newcomer. "hello. when did you turn up?"

"i've been here all along," she explained. "except when i wasn't. can i have a beer?"

"sure."

"well, it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, or gay or not," sierra noted. "it's still none of their business and she should tell them so."

"i disagree," marian stated. "especially if it's a woman."

"and especially if she's cute," cardigan added.

"here you go, ma'am," blake handed the beer to the blonde Mysterious Lurker, blinked, and asked, "wait a minute...wasn't your hair red a minute ago?"

she smiled demurely and sipped her beer without comment. blake shook his head and said, "why is it different if it's a woman?"

"because there's a man shortage," marian replied. "it's too hard to find a good man without help. she should be thankful that they've taken an interest in her and have offered to help."

"then i would think it makes more sense that this is a guy, because his coworkers are probably trying to set up their single female friends with an eligible male," sierra theorized.

"so, if it's a guy, he's better off letting them set him up in case he gets lucky, and if it's a woman, she's better off letting them set her up because there's a man shortage, is that it?" cardigan summed up.

"he or she doesn't want any help finding a mate," sierra objected. "he or she wants help telling them to stop setting him or her up. trust me, i know what it's like."

marian sniggered. "i remember that picture in the 'Nosy Enquirer' of you and enrique iglesias."

cadigan grinned. "and that time they said you were seen with tony danza."

"and oprah," Mysterious Lurker added.

"can we get back to mr. lonesome?" sierra pleaded, her face turning as red as Mysterious Lurker's hair was at one time.

"i'm going to tell her to let them have their fun," marian declared. "it's good for office morale and it's not doing her any harm. and besides, she shouldn't be so melodramatic!"

Chapter 11

"nice place," sierra noted as they walked into Poor Yorick's Pub together.

"hey, cardigan" danny blake greeted them from behind the bar. "looks like you're overachieving these days," he noted, winking at sierra. "you aren't the type he usually goes for."

"oh?" sierra was intrigued. "what type does he usually go for?"

"tight jeans and loose morals," blake smirked.

sierra laughed. cardigan brooded. "yeah, yeah, yeah. sierra charles, danny blake. sierra is just a client, blake." she arches an eyebrow at this. "okay, a business associate. what's on the menu today?"

"tamale pie."

"sounds good, and a couple of bass ales." they carried their mugs to a table and, after a sip, cardigan said, "okay, charles. you said there was unfinished business. what is it?"

she shrugged. "it's this story, cardigan. it's lame. it's disjointed. it's boring. it's stupid. it's going nowhere." she takes another sip. "i don't think we can go on like this."

he nodded. "i agree. this guy plainly doesn't know what he's doing. in fact, that's the point. he starts to make this shit up at the moment he clicks on 'New Post.' i feel like we're being played and i don't like it." he glanced at her across the table. "any ideas?"

"well, i was thinking that i'd just turn into a vampire all of the sudden and start biting you and others on the neck." she grinned. "i think that would be fun."

"not bad, charles, not bad." he leaned back as blake brought their tamale pie to the table. "but, do vampires eat real food?"

she closed her eyes and breathed in the rich aromas. "i don't think so, so scratch that. i'm not missing out on this." she picked up a fork and looked up at blake. "what do you think, danny?"

"well, i agree that something's gotta change, but i'm a tavern keeper, not a storyteller." he hollered over at his other customer, sitting at a table knitting while staring at a laptop, "hey, marian! what do you think?"

the woman looked up and pointed at herself with a questioning look on her face and, at blake's nod, walked over to the table. "i have given this matter much thought!"

cardigan swallowed and looked up. "i'm gavin cardigan, she's sierra charles. and this tamale pie is terrific."

"mmmhmmm," sierra concurred.

"my name is marian elfman, and i know who you are," she nodded toward her laptop. "i've been reading this drivel. now, i think you guys should just hang out here in the pub and just talk about whatever is on your mind. that way, there's no story to follow. i don't mind trying to figure out a good mystery plot, but...this is far from being good, you know?"

blake nodded. "i like that idea. plus, it'd be good for business."

cardigan drained his beer. "true, but for something like that to be interesting, we should all be pretty different from one another. charles and i are both private investigators."

sierra volunteered to change. "i don't care for this private investigator thing much anyway."

"what would you do, instead?"

"i can be a vampire!"

cardigan scowled. "come on, charles. we've been over that. you can't eat real food, you can't come here in the daytime, and none of us wants to be bitten."

"besides," marian interjected, "people come here for food, and all that blood will gross them out."
"and that would be bad for business," blake added.

"okay, fine. i'll be independently wealthy."

"no!" they all said in unison.

"okay, fine. i'll be a D-list celebrity who appears on lame reality TV shows."

"not bad, charles," cardigan grinned. "i could get a lot of mileage out of that." he looks over at marian. "what do you do, marian?"

"i write a syndicated advice column called 'don't be so melodramatic!'"

they all laughed. "that's perfect! we can make fun of all kinds of people," sierra noted. "that will take some of the pressure off of me."

cardigan said, "sounds like a plan." he put his hand out toward marian for a high-five. when she put her hand out toward his, he pulled it back to stroke his hair, "psych!"

marian scrunched up her face at him, stomping her foot. "that wasn't nice!"

blake grinned. "this is more like it!"