Castoffs: Lord of the Things

"you're late."

the young hobbit folded his arms, addressing the grizzled old man with as stern a face as he could manage.

"a wizard is never late, Dando Blakins" Bendalf replied, peering down at the hobbit through his half-moon spectacles. "remember, early to bed and early to rise keeps a wizard healthy, wealthy, and wise."

Dando smirked. "as i said, you're late."

the two began laughing and embraced. "it's wonderful to see you, Bendalf!"

"you don't think i'd miss your Uncle Wilbo's birthday, do you? how is the old rascal?"

"you know Wilbo: when he's not reciting poetry and telling tall tales, he's writing that play of his."

"ah, yes. The Merry Wives of Hobbiton. i can't imagine who will watch it," Bendalf shook his head.

Dando pulled the wizard down the road. "let's go. the party's already started!"

they approached a large tree in the middle of a clearing that already had dozens of hobbits milling about. there were various Blakinses. Chubbs, Grubbs, Hornblowers, Mugworts, Proudfoots, and Sullivans, among other distant relations. Wilbo was standing directly under the tree and appeared to be reciting one of his sonnets. as they grew nearer, though, they saw him fidgeting,

"and so, while eleventyone years is too short of a time to spend among such excellent hobbits," Wilbo looked around and spotted Dando and gave him a little smile. "this is the end. adieu! I have too grieved a heart to take a tedious leave."

with the final word, Wilbo disappeared before their eyes, prompting an audible gasp from the crowd, followed by a moment of stunned silence, followed by the wagging of tongues by every Blakins, Chubb, Grubb, Hornblower, Mugwort, Proudfoot, and Sullivan. Dando turned toward the wizard.

"Bendalf, i don't un--"

the wizard, too, had vanished.

Wilbo reappeared inside his own hobbit hole at Pub End, chuckling as he put a thing back in his pocket.

"i suppose you think that was terribly clever," Bendalf admonished him, stepping into the room.

"it was just a bit of fun, Bendalf," Wilbo explained, then sighed. "hmph. i suppose you know best, as usual. now, bid me farewell, i'm off to see the elves! i'm leaving everything behind to Dando."

"everything?" Bendalf raised an eyebrow. "even this thing of yours?"

"yes...well, no. now that it comes to it, i don't want to part with it. it's mine. my precious."

"precious?" Bendalf looked unruffled but a chill ran down his spine. "it's been called that before, but not by you. i think you had better leave it behind, Wilbo."

Wilbo looked defiant. "o villainy! ho! let the door be lock'd. treachery! seek it out!"

"Wilbo Blakins!" bendalf now loomed darkly over the cowering hobbit. "do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks! i'm not here to rob you; i'm here to help you."

the wizard's tone softened and he knelt down before his wooly-footed friend. "trust me as you once did. let it go. let it go."

Wilbo nodded. "you're right, Bendalf."

he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the thing and stared at it. drawing on deeper wells of resolve than a hobbit would appear to have, he turned his hand over and let the thing drop to the floor. with a sigh of relief he stepped through the door. "adieu, Bendalf! i have too grieved--"

"i've heard it already, Wilbo. goodbye!"

Dando came rushing in several minutes later and found Bendalf staring at the thing on the floor. "Bendalf! is Wilbo gone?"

"yes, he's gone to visit the elves."

"is that Wilbo's thing?" Danbo asked, pointing at the floor.

"yes, he left it for you, and all of Pub End," Bendalf told him. "now, cast the thing into the fire. quickly!"

Dando looked startled but did as he was told. after several moments, Bendalf retrieved the thing with a pair of tongs and placed it in Dando's hand. "do you see any markings on it?"

Dando looked at it curiously. "no. wait...yes, there is something written here, in some form of elvish. i cannot read the script, though."

Bendalf sighed. "there are few who can. here is what it says in the common tongue:

One Thing to rule them all, One Thing to find them,
One Thing to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

this," Bendalf stated with finality, "this is the one thing that the Mysterious Lord Lurkon made ages ago. she's trying to find it again and cover the world in a second darkness, but she must not find it. you must take it to Eljudge in Rivendell and seek his counsel."

"me? alone!? but where are you going?"

"to see Shakalakoman. she is the head of my order and very wise. she'll know what to do." Bendalf paused. "and you need not go alone."

he gave a shrill whistle and then called out, "S.A.M., you come in now. i know you're hiding out there!"

the front door opened and Dando's Special Assistant Marigold walked in, redfaced.

"i'm sorry, Mr. Dando. i didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"S.A.M., you are to go with Mr. Dando to Rivendell and visit the elves. don't you leave him!"

a few minutes later, they scampered off on their separate missions: Bendalf to the south, Dando and S.A.M. to the east.

as Dando & S.A.M. were traipsing through the Shire, they ran into their friends Nippin and Sierry.

"Sierry! Nippin!" Dando said in surprise. "what are you doing out here?"

"heading home from Wilbo's party, of course!" Sierry told them. "what are you doing?"

"we're...wait," Dando raised his hand and whispered. "do you hear something? let's get off the road."

the four hobbits scurried off the road behind a large tree and saw an evil, large horse clopping down the road with a large hooded figure in black on its back, turning his head to the left and right as if searching for something or someone, a sinister-looking dart gun at his side. the hobbits didn't stir until he was far down the road.

"was it a bat i saw?" Nippin asked.

"i don't know," Dando said slowly. "but i think it was searching for me. S.A.M. and i have to leave the Shire. we're going to Rivendell. can you help us?"

"sure," Sierry replied merrily. "we're going on an adventure, Nippin."

"yay!"

Sierry lead them all through an old forest. halfway through, they head a clear voice sing out to them.

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!"

the hobbits turned to see a handsome, bearded man beckoning.

"who are you?" S.A.M asked.

"Old Tom Burkiedil is a merry fellow;
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow."

"and what are you doing here?" Sierry asked as she swiped an apple from Tom's bag.

"a lot of people were upset that i wasn't in the movie. also, i wanted to tell you to take some massive short cuts with the story. you can't fit three books into a single blog posting!"

Dando nodded. "right, thanks, Tom Burkiedil, Tom Burkiedillo!"

with that, the hobbits ran to the town of Bree and went to Poor Yorick's Pub for a deja vu-ish beer. while there, a tall man stared at them, Dando slipped and accidentally used the thing and vanished. when he realized what had happened, he put the thing back in his pocket and the tall man grabbed him and lectured him about being careful.

"who are you, then?" S.A.M. demanded.

"i am Cardagorn, and old friend of Bendalf and the rightful king of Gondor, and i'm the only hope you've got to get to Rivendell. i know what's after you."

"those black darters? what are they?"

"they're the Thingwaits. they wait around for the thing to be found. you don't want to mess with them. now, let's go!"

they traveled toward Rivendell. on the way, they are ambushed by five black darters. Cardagorn was able to fight all five of them off with just an old sword and a wooden torch, even though later one of them would almost single-handedly destroy the largest citadel in the west and an entire legion. still, one of the darters managed to get off a shot that struck Dando and made him very sick. they hastened to Rivendell and got there just in time for Eljudge to heal Dando.

"that was a close one," Bendalf told him as he awoke.

"Bendalf, what happened?"

"i was captured by Shakalakoman, who has turned evil and joined with the Mysterious Lord Lurkon. i only just escaped thanks to daring and cunning, and not a little luck."

"Bendalf, Dando," Eljudge called to them. "time for the Council of Eljudge."

they attended the Council and learned all about the history of the thing.

"but how did the hobbit Wilbo wind up with it?" the elf Legaylor asked in astonishment, revealing his fangs.

"oh, well i was stumbling around the dark in a cave in the Misty Mountains. my hand landed on the thing. this creature named Nullom accused me of stealing it and tried to kill me. in escaping, i discovered that the thing makes me invisible. it has proved to be quite useful!" Wilbo, who was also in Rivendell, explained.

"now what?" asked Tuckomir, a man from Gondor who carried a large sword and a guitar.

"we must destroy it," Eljudge told them. "one of you must take this thing and cast it into the fiery chasm of Mount Doom whence it came!"

"by one of us, you don't mean an elf, do you?" Gimlian the dwarf maiden asked. "never trust an elf!"

there was an argument until finally Dando reluctantly agreed to take the thing. a fellowship of all free folk was born: Dando, S.A.M., Nippin, Sierry, Bendalf, Cardagorn, Tuckomir, Legaylor, and Gimlian.

Eljudge's daughter Foxwen kissed Cardagorn and told him to be careful and not get his fool-ass killed.

"now, one last thing before you go," Eljudge told them. "burkie's real objective with this story is complete: he has introduced all of his characters into their roles in this story. put his readers out of their misery and end this thing by, er, ending the thing!"

the fellowship huddled up, putting their hands together and with a "one, two, three!" they all cheered, "for burkie's readers!"

they went out and, while there was drama and death and even elven-dwarven romance along the way, they ultimately defeated the Mysterious Lord Lurkon and her minion Shakalakoman, and most of them lived happily ever after, to the end of their days.

Chicken Wings with Curry-Lime Butter

this recipe is from Tyler's Ultimate and i've wanted to make it for a long time, so i finally got around to it today. i shouldn't have waited so long. these were really good! baked at high heat & then broiled to ensure crispyness, then coated in a sauce of butter, lime zest & juice, honey, and thai red curry paste. they were tangy, a little sweet, a little spicy--i enjoyed the heck out of 'em. you could add some kind of hot sauce to it if you want some more heat. and, you could do this with entree chicken parts, not just wings. heck, this stuff wouldn't be bad on ribs, either. or fish, or corn on the cob, or....well, you get the idea. with wings, though, you've got a definite scene stealer!

Corn Tortillas

this is what i was most looking forward to today: homemade corn tortillas. they were easier than the asian dumpling wrappers i made last weekend. i need more practice with these, but i really do think they were better than store-bought corn tortillas. you wrap these babies around some taco filling and they just might steal the scene! oh, and the second photo shows you the tacos i made with them: tacos de pollo en salsa verde (tacos of tomatillo chicken with wilted greens and fresh cheese). taco & tortilla recipes from Rick Bayless's Mexican Kitchen.

Pickled Red Onions

yes, pickled red onions. a classic condiment for mexican tacos. these are fresh and easy and ready in several hours. the color is either lovely or slightly off-putting, but the taste is fresh & puckery. the recipe comes from Rick Bayless's Mexican Kitchen.

Classic Mexican "Pot" Beans

also known as frijoles de la olla, this simple dish is from the star of today: Rick Bayless's Mexican Kitchen. a pot of beans is not very sexy, but rick & i agree that they are very underrated and should be more popular than they are. this is classic peasant fare: just saute some onions, add dried beans (most any kind will do. i decided to try these salvadoran red beans instead of my beloved pintos this time, and they're quite good) and water, bring to a boil, and simmer for a few hours, then add salt only toward the end. that's it. no meat, no cheese, no peppers. this is a perfect side dish!

水餃 (Water Dumplings)

i've been looking forward to tackling the recipes in andrea nguyen's Asian Dumplings, which i got for christmas. and for this, The Year Of Scene Stealers, what greater scene stealer is there than dumplings? do, these shui jiao (water dumplings) are the first recipe in the book, and yes: i made the wrappers (or skins) from scratch. these are good and i quite enjoyed eating them, but....i need more practice. it's not really difficult, but it takes a practiced hand to do it in a reasonable amount of time. fortunately for me, i have the entire rest of the book to go through :)

English Muffins (New Recipe)

this is the third time i've made and blogged about english muffins: reinhart's original recipe here, which i didn't care for much; and then the sourdough english muffins here from the king arthur flour website, which i thought were quite good. these are from reinhart's newest book Artisan Breads Every Day. and they're much better than his original ones. the dough is really, really easy to make. takes about 2 minutes, then you stick it in the fridge for up to 4 days. take it out 2 hours before you're ready to make it, then stir in some baking soda & warm water about 10 minutes before you start cooking it on the griddle in round crumpet rings (or, like me, rinsed out pineapple cans with top & bottom removed). a little time consuming at that point as you have to cook each side for 12 minutes each, especially if you only have 5 rings/cans like me and have to do them in 2 batches. but then, you have some freshly baked english muffins, sure to be a scene stealer at breakfast time, whether you serve them up mcmuffin-style or with butter and/or jam. of course, if you're lucky enough to have a sister who sends you homemade red plum jelly, you've got double scene stealers working for ya!

CAVEAT: these are good and traditional, and the sourdough ones were good as well. however, unless you really want the traditional muffin and round shape, this english muffin loaf bread is hard to beat!

You Say You Want A Resolution

"happy new year, danny boy!" gavin called out as he entered the Pub.

"back atcha, big guy!" danny blake replied as he poured a beer. "since it's new year's day, i'm serving black-eyed pea and chorizo soup with cornbread. sound good?"

"sounds great!" gavin took a sip from his pint then walked over to join his friends.

"happy new year, cardigan!" sierra charles greeted him.

"happy new year, everyone."

"so, how was your mystery date?" marian elfman asked gLeefully, referring to gavin's having volunteered to be auctioned off for a date at sierra's charity auction.

cardigan glared at sierra, then turned to glare at the witches across the Pub, who giggled and waved.

"i'm never doing that again. i had to pay for four meals!"

Mysterious Lurker guffawed. so help me, she guffawed. "guffaw! the witches bid on you?"

cardigan shuddered and took a large gulp of his beer. "they won. seems they have their own ideas of whom i should date and didn't want to take a chance that i'd meet somebody else."

marian hahaha'd. "hahaha! where did you eat?"

"verona."

"really? how's stoney?" danny asked about verona's 3-nostriled chef stoney karr as he delivered cardigan's soup.

"he's good. he says hello to everyone, especially you, charles," he grinned at sierra, happy to deflect attention away from himself.

"i'm glad he's doing well," sierra stated as she pinched off a corner of cardigan's cornbread.

"this soup is terrific, danny," cardigan told him as he moved the cornbread out of sierra's reach.

"burkie claims that eating black-eyed peas on new year's day brings good luck," foxy said as she walked up.

cardigan grinned, ignoring a woo-hoo from one of the witches. "looks like it's working! happy new year, foxy!"

"i didn't know you would be here today," sierra told her sister.

"that was my idea," burkie stated as he walked in, accompanied by special assistant hepzibah. "others are on their way."

"what's the occasion?" marian asked their handsome creator excitedly as juliet, judge st. bishop, boom-boom shakalaka, and benjamin franklin filed in.

"it's new year's day," burkie explained. "i wanted to see all of you again, and hear your resolutions for 2011."

"yay!" marian clapped. "i resolve to learn how to quilt!"

"really?" taylor looked at her. "why?"

"i think it'd be nice to make a nice burnt orange & white quilt for burkie! wait...why did i say that? that's not what i meant to say!" marian made an outrageous face of, er, outrage.

"why thank you, marian. that's very sweet of you," burkie smiled. "how about you, sierra?"

"i resolve to go on more blind dates," she replied immediately, then gasped. "i didn't say that! dammit, burkie, i didn't say that!"

"i resolve to make asian dumplings," danny stated.

burkie nodded his approval. "how about you, linda?"

"me?" the Pub's least developed character was surprised but eager. "i resolve to acquire a mysterious past, break my leg in a comical incident, break up with Tucker because of a dramatic misunderstanding, then make up with him again when we accidentally bump into each other in cuba, and take trapeze lessons, and learn chinese, and beat martina hingis in tennis, and--"

"i suggest you break your leg after beating martina in tennis," tucker, er, suggested. "as for me, i resolve to write a song about benjamin franklin."

"why, thank you, minstrel! that's uncommonly kind of you," the founding father beamed. "as for myself, i resolve to follow-up my invention of a time machine by inventing a vessel for keeping hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold."

"you invented a time machine?" the judge looked at him suspiciously.

"hem...haw..." mr. franklin hemmed and hawed.

burkie shot mr. franklin a warning look and asked the judge, "what is your resolution, your honor?"

"i resolve to impose longer jail sentences for plagiarists."

"um...yeah, right," burkie moved on quickly. "foxy?"

"i resolve to get our book on american culture published," foxy told him.

"excellent! juliet?"

"i resolve to launch a new shoe company that specializes in high-heeled shoes for men's feet," the crossdresser replied. "my feet are killing me!"

"i resolve to work out more," boom-boom stated, pulling her SFPD sweatshirt up enough to expose her abs. "i need more definition."

"how about you, hep?" burkie asked his special assistant. "hep? HEP?"

s.a. hepzibah blinked, then forced herself to turn away from boom-boom and answer, "i...i resolve to...to...learn to play piano. and don't call me hep!!!"

"i resolve to work on my accent," taylor noted in a not-quite-clipped british accent.

"how about you, linda?" burkie asked.

"you already asked me!" she exclaimed. "and i already answered!"

"oh, yeah. sorry, i forgot," burkie turned to shakespeare, who walked forward to collect the empty plates and glasses. "shakespeare?"

"the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought," sayethed the bard as he cleared the table.

"er, right. cardigan?"

"i resolve to drink more," cardigan, er, resolved, signaling danny for another pint.

Hot Black-Eyed Pea Dip

happy new year! for texans, it's traditional to eat black-eyed peas for good luck on new year's day, so i thought i'd join my fellow bloggers such as the homesick texan, andrea nyugen, and the pioneer woman in posting about black-eyed peas. since new year's day is a day full of college football games and i'm posting about non-entrees, i decided to make a dip like ree's. however, in a nod to the homesick texan's soup, i added some cooked chorizo to my dip and, in a nod to andrea's salad, covered it with chopped cilantro after it came out of the oven. i'm quite happy with it! better than any bean dip i've ever had. the peppery flavor of the black-eyed peas really comes through and the spicy chorizo gives it a nice kick.