Plodding Periously

Dear Readers,
I, the nefarious Professor Poopypants, have hacked into Burkie's blog and changed the names of all the characters in this chapter, bhah ha ha!!! Now, on to the story!


fluffy gigglechunks walked into Doofus Gorillabutt's Pub, shaking off the cold.

"hey, be careful with that stuff! i just swept up over there!"

gigglechunks glared at the Pubkeeper, gidget toilettush. "it's a figure of speech, gidget! now, what's on the menu?
Hi! This is the Mysterious Lurker and you've discovered the hidden contest!
"fluffy gerbilhiney's chicken," gidget told him as he handed him an ale.
Just send Burkie an email at burkie47 (@) gmail (dot) com and tell him
"really? you know that's not authentic chinese food, right? aren't you worried about losing credibility with lumpy's readers?"
who your favorite character is. include your mailing address and you will
"trust me, gigglechunks. when it tastes this good, nobody cares about authenticity."
receive a personalized post card from that character. Of course, it will probably be me,
gigglechunks raised his glass to gidget, then walked back to join his friends.
but it's okay if you want to hear from somebody else. even Dat. i guess.
"fluffy! come look!" pinky girdlechunks called him over.
Happy holidays from all of us!
"what's up, chuck?"

"er, my name isn't chuck. it's pinky." she placed the back of her hand against his forehead. "are you feeling well?"

he sighed. "it's a figure of speech, pinky. what am i supposed to be looking at?"

"i'm hosting a charity auction for the holidays," snotty gigglefanny told him, pointing at a flyer. "do you have anything you'd like to donate?"

"what's everyone else donating?"

"i'm donating an antique transylvanian walking stick, with a silver wolf's head on the handle," falafel gorillapants said.

"i knitted a scarf with matching gloves and beret," pinky told him.

"i'm offering dinner for ten," gidget noted as he delivered gigglechunks' food.

"everyone is being very generous," snotty pointed out as her chopsticks snagged a hunk of chicken from gigglechunks' plate.

"well, i'm not donating this," gigglechunks hmph'd as he moved his plate beyond snotty's reach.

"you should offer yourself up for a night on the town with a lucky lady," Pinky Liverbuns suggested as she appeared out of nowhere.

"what, like a bachelor auction?" gigglechunks considered as he chewed. "i don't know about that."

"i think it's a great idea," snotty approved. "you're quite the catch, you know. tall and broad-shouldered, but not so broad-shouldered that it makes your head seem disproportionate to the rest of your body. plus, you're a private detective; that's sexy."

"well, thank you for noticing, gigglefanny," gigglechunks winked. "i do cut a dashing figure at that."

"be careful with the cutting, mate," falafel told him, pointing at a Twilight band-aid on his own finger.

gigglechunks groaned. "it's a figure of speech, falafel."

"so you'll do it?" pinky asked. "you'd finally get a date this way, you know."

"pretty sad that i have to sell myself to get a date. don't they have a word for people like that?"

"charitable?"

"not quite the word i had in mind."

"if you have need of a word, friend gigglechunks, perhaps i could be of assistance," oprah pizzatush offered as he came forward to collect dirty dishes.

"that won't be necessary, pizzatush. i'll go ahead and do it." he drained his glass and set it down with a thud. "damn the torpedoes!"

"damn thee, torpedoes! damn thee and thy damnable--"

"it's a figure of speech, pizzatush," gigglechunks sighed.