A Question of Character

"howdy," gavin cardigan greeted danny blake as he entered the Pub.

blake poured him a beer and placed it in front of him. "we're serving gazpacho steak salad tonight. interested?"

"when have i ever turned down one of your meals?" cardigan sipped his beer, then walked over to join the regulars and, he noticed, the irregulars as well, including burkie's special assistant. "hey, guys. what's going on?"

"burkie set up this game to let you guys develop your characters more fully," special assistant hepzibah explained. "each of you will reach into that box on the table, pull out a slip of paper, and answer the question on it."

"it's about time!" linda nulo reached into the box, eager to develop her character fully. she read the question aloud: "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? and why?" she crumpled the paper angrily in her hand. "wtf kind of question is that?!"

"it's designed to give us insight into your psychological make-up," dr. foxy charles explained. "it's really quite clever."

"i'd be the whomping willow from harry potter, so i could whomp burkie upside the head," linda retorted. "your turn, foxy, since you find burkie so clever."

foxy smiled and reached in, then read: "who was the first person you ever had a crush on?" she took a quick swallow of beer to hide her rapidly blushing face. "hmmm, i can't remember. your turn, sierra."

s.a. hepzibah sighed. "you have to answer, foxy. if you don't, burkie will just type it."

"isn't he typing it already?"

"don't confuse matters. it hurts my head to think about that."

foxy muttered, "roger rabbit."

"roger rabbit?" sierra laughed. "he's animated! and...well, a rabbit!"

foxy shrugged. "he makes me laugh."

"okay, i'll give him that," her sister conceded and reached in for her question: "'if you were one of snow white's 7 dwarfs, which one would you be?' hmmm, probably Hungry."

"i think Hungry was a smurf, not a dwarf," marian elfman stated.

"there was no Hungry Smurf," declared judge st. bishop, the Pub's foremost authority on all things smurfy.

"there was no Hungry dwarf, either," foxy said. "honestly, if you took my and burkie's course, you'd know this."

"choose Dopey," taylor young suggested. "he's the one without a beard."

"definitely Dopey," sierra stated with finality. "your turn, taylor."

taylor reached in and pulled out the following: "if you were a professional wrestler, what would your name be?" he grinned. "Forever Young!" he bared his fangs menacingly, referring to the immortality that burkie has yet to bestow upon him.

marian rolled her eyes. "that's corny!" she reached into the box for her own question: "if you were a natural disaster, which one would you be?" she made a face of bewilderment. "i have no idea....oh, i know--the bermuda triangle!" she beamed, obviously pleased with herself.

"is that a disaster or a phenomenon?"

"according to the most interesting man in the world, it's actually a parellelogram rather than a triangle," danny informed them as he delivered caridgan's salad. "guess i'd better take one, too." he reached in and pulled out: "if you were to host a dinner party and could invite two historical figures, who would you invite?" danny pointed left and right. "easy. ben franklin and william shakespeare."

marian made yet another face and stomped her foot. "that's not fair! they're always invited!"

"and it's always my pleasure to be here, my dear!" mr. franklin smiled at her, then reached in for a question: "which modern day convenience could you not live without?" he drummed his fingers on the table. "hmmm, i would have to say this iPod device. i've got every song tom jones ever recorded on this little baby!"

the judge looked alarmed. "i think you should choose something from your own time period, sir. perhaps one of your own inventions?"

"and i think you should answer your own question, magistrate," retorted the founding father, placing his iPod back in his pocket.

the judge bristled but reached in for a question: "if you had a band, what would you name it?" he thought for a second. "Langtry," he decided.

"nice," tucker approved, then reached for a question: if you had a theme song that played whenever you walked into a room, which song would it be? tucker grinned, strummed his guitar, and started to sing:

night after night,
who treats you right?
baby, it's the guitar man...

"at least you got a good question, honey," linda noted.

"my turn," Mysterious Lurker announced with a toss of her leisure suit-blue hair, reaching in for a question. "what would everyone in the room be shocked to learn about you?" a tattoo of a sheriff's star appeared on her arm. "that i wanted to be a cop when i grew up."

sgt. boom-boom shakalaka snorted. "you on the force? more like the farce." she reached in for a question: what is your idea of a great first date? "gee, i don't know. with my hours, i don't date much. i guess it would be going out for thai food, then the shooting range, then chilling out with a bottle of wine and a horror movie."

"that sounds...interesting," marian noted. "your turn, hepzibah. hepzibah?"

burkie's special assistant looked as if she were in a trance, then realized everyone was staring at her. "oh, sorry! i was, uh, wondering where burkie is."

"you're his special assistant. shouldn't you know?"

"oh, right. yes, he couldn't be here tonight because he's busy writing." she reached in and pulled out: what's your favorite movie? "oh, i don't know. interview with the vampire, i guess."

"good flick," taylor approved. "ava, your turn."

burkie's friend ava smiled and reached in for her question: where would you most like to visit? "adaven, nevada," she replied.

"i've never heard of it," the black darter noted, then reached in for his question: if you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you lose? "oh, man, that's an impossible question for a super hero to answer."

"then it should be easy for you," the Lurker pointed out.

dat glared at her, then answered, "touch. since i use a blow gun, i don't need to get close enough to touch the bad guys."

sierra looked over at gavin. "cardigan, you haven't gone yet!"

cardigan grunted, then reached in: what rule have you always disagreed with, and why? "i before e except after c," he replied. "it's just weird." he turned to shakespeare as the playwright came over to collect the dirty dishes. "you're last, shakespeare."

the great dramatist reached in and pulled out: what is your favorite number? "One that lies three thirds and uses a known truth to pass a thousand nothings with, should be once heard and thrice beaten," he answered, then carried the dishes away.

the others looked at each other. "so what was his answer?"

"i think it's 'three.' he used three different versions of three: three, thirds, and thrice."

"or he might have just been making an observation about burkie," noted cardigan.

Pucker Up

"hello, everyobdy!" gavin cardigan hollered out in greeting as he entered the Pub with a vivacious red head on his arm.

"hey, cardi--whoah." danny blake spilled the beer he was pouring. "hello, there. and you are...?"

"belinda starre, but friends call me belle." she smiled and held out her hand.

"and gavin is a 'friend?'" blake asked, taking her hand.

"well, he's just a lover at the moment, but he shows potential," belle winked and kissed cardigan on the cheek.

"uh, what're you serving tonight, danny?" cardigan interrupted.

"spring pea risotto with garlic scape butter," blake replied, pouring out two beers.

"not exactly beer food, but it'll be great," cardigan assured her.

"i'm sure of it," belle nodded approvingly.

they walked over to join the other regulars. "everyone, this is belinda starre, but you can call her belle."

the regulars were less successful than danny in staring in disbelief at this stunningly beautiful woman with cardigan.

"it's, um, great to meet you all," belle stammered. "gavin has told me so much about you."

"oh, really?" sierra charles moved an extra stool to the table to accommodate the newcomer. "he's never mentioned you to us. when did this happen?"

"oh, just a moment ago. you know how burkie is. he just makes this shit up as he types," gavin shrugged, then grinned as he grabbed belle's hand. "not that i'm complaining. praise be to burkie!" he actually lifted his glass and took a drink to honor their handsome creator.

"a loooong moment ago," belle grinned knowingly. "long enough to let me know that i got a lucky with this guy." she punched cardigan lightly on the shoulder. "of course, he got lucky, too, didn't you, tiger?"

marian elfman's eyebrows lifted high. "gavin!"

cardigan cleared his throat, embarrassed. "so, how 'bout those 'niners?"

"hey, that's my line!" taylor young admonished him. "remember the last chapter? say something original."

"oh, right. uh, unseasonably warm, isn't it?"

"it's july," Mysterious Lurker pointed out.

"well, yeah, but this is san francisco!" cardigan countered, then sighed gratefully when danny arrived with the risotto.

"mmm, smells terrific! thanks for bring me here, gavin," she leaned over and kissed him passionately, brazenly, possessively--

"we get the picture, burkie. stop it with the descriptive adverbs," danny glared toward the corner, imagining their handsome creator over there.

just then, their goateed busboy walked up to take the still full, steaming plates away.

"wait, shakespeare! we haven't eaten yet!" cardigan protested.

shakespeare patted him sympathetically on the shoulder and looked over at belle, who sighed and muttered, "we are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep."

"not so unseasonable after all," the Lurker noted as belle faded away and shakespeare walked away with the food.

"a midsummer night's dream," cardigan shook his head. "i should've seen it coming. trust burkie to stoop to a low-brow stunt like a dream sequence."

"tell me about it," taylor murmered as he passed a twenty over to a gloating sierra.

CYA: Juliet & The Darter Go Left

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


"left," juliet decided.

they turned left, walking down the hall, pausing to check each room they pass. they reached the end and had to turn right. as they, they saw the back of benjamin franklin before them.

before juliet could shout out to their colonial friend, there was a PFFT! noise. she stared in horror as a black dart appeared in the back of mr. franklin's neck and, as he fell forward, she saw the judge standing behind the fallen victim, wearing the same look of horror as she.


Click here to continue

Fandemonium

"howdy, everybody!" gavin cardigan called out as he entered the Pub.

"hello, gavin," danny blake replied from behind the bar, pouring his best friend and best customer a beer. "we're serving bulgogi today."

"i love bulgogi. give me more than you think i can eat," gavin grinned as he grabbed his beer and walked over to join his friends.

"why do you get billed as danny's best customer?" sierra charles asked as he settled into his seat. "we're always here before you show up."

"because i've been coming here longer than the rest of you," gavin theorized. "plus, i probably pay. burkie at least gives me occasional employment, unlike most of the people here he writes about."

"so, how do you think the 'niners will do this year?" asked the apparently unemployed vampire wannabe taylor young, quickly changing the subject.

cardigan grimaced. "that's the only thing i don't like about burkie's setting us in san francisco. i don't like the '49ers. i'm going to root for da bears."

"i'm a raiders fan," Mysterious Lurker noted, her black hair sticking up in multiple spikes in typical oakland raider fashion.

"i like the dolphins," michigan alumna marian elfman exclaimed. "they have chad henne & jake long!"

"i support the 'niners," blake stated as he delivered cardigan's bulgogi. "i have to be loyal to joe montana since he owns a diner."

"charles, didn't you go out with the cardinal's quarterback once?" cardigan asked sierra as he picked up some bulgogi in his chopsticks.

"we only went to an awards show together," the D-list celebrity explained. "i'm a jets fan. they selected me for their cheerleading squad."

"really?" marian looked at her in suprise. "i didn't know you were an NFL cheerleader."

"i had to quit before i ever performed in a game. my schedule got too busy after that ZZ Top video."

"how about you, tucker?" taylor turned to the shaggy haired guitar player.

"i'm not really into football, but linda makes me root for the cowboys," he motioned toward his girlfriend linda nulo, who nodded determinedly. "texan women take their football seriously." with that, he strummed a chord and began to sing:

my first wife kicked me off her team
for a west coast offense man
my second wife divorced me
for a dallas cowboy fan
my third wife couldn't tolerate
my 3-4 defense views
i got them jersey-wearing, referee-swearing
football woman blues...

tucker was interrupted by judge st. bishop's stormy entrance. "hey, do i smell bulgogi?"

sierra nodded, sneaking some off of cardigan's plate. "it's good, too."

"which NFL team do you support, your honor?" marian asked.

"the vikings," replied the judge, signaling to danny that he wanted some bulgogi. "one of their former players, alan page, is a friend of mine."

"we should play fantasy football this season," linda nulo suggested, uncharacteristically fleshing out her character development. "i'll be the commissioner."

"that's a good idea!" marian exlaimed, but then made a face and stomped her foot. "i should have thought of that!"

"what are the stakes?" asked cardigan, intrigued by the idea.

"i don't care, as long as they aren't wooden stakes," taylor stated, pulling a piece of beef off of one of his fangs.

"how about steaks?" danny remarked as he brought a plate to the judge.

"hmmm....how about if the winner gets to create a new character for the Pub?" the Lurker proposed.

"hey, i like that!" cardigan exchanged a high-five with the Lurker. "i could create a girl friend."

"we can figure that out later," linda said. "what do you think, shakespeare?" she asked the playwright as he came over to collect dirty dishes.

"strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends," he quoted himself.

there was a clicking of glasses all around the table at this.

"hear, hear!"

Party Trap

"hello, everyone!" gavin cardigan called out as he entered the Pub.

"hey, gavin!" danny blake shouted from behind the bar above the noise as he poured a beer.

"what's going on?" cardigan flung an arm toward all the people.

"a party for burkie's little brother. it was his birthday the other day."

"oh, the one who stands in holes?"

"i don't think he really stands in holes," blake replied as he handed cardigan his pint. "i think he rescues cats from trees. anyway, help yourself to some pizza. monte made it."

"monte? the pub dog?"

"yeah. whod've thunk, huh?"

cardigan grabbed a slice and turned toward the crowd, almost bumping into burkie. "oh, hello."

"hey, cardigan! good to see you," burkie greeted his protagonist and indicated the woman at his side. "i'd like to introduce you to my friend ava. ava reinier, this is gavin cardigan. he's a private eye."

"wow!" ava grinned and shook his hand.

"cardigan, i need to mingle. can you show ava around and introduce her to people?"

"sure, this way." caridan led her over to his regular crowd. "everyone, this is burkie's friend ava. ava, this is sierra charles, marian elfman, taylor young, and Mysterious Lurker."

"aloha, hola!" ava smiled at them.

marian looked around, shrugged, and replied, "i, marian, i too fall; a foot-in-air am i!"

the Lurker pointed at the corner, where monte lay curled on a rug. "and that's monte."

"a dog! a panic in a pagoda!" ava said, knowingly.

"yep," cardigan drained his beer faster than usual. "here, let's go meet tucker." he led her over to the shaggy-haired guitar player. "tucker, this is burkie's friend, ava."

"hi, ava!"

"hi, tucker. nice to meet you! do you know the song, "rats live on no evil star" by ookla the mok?"

"no, i'm sorry," tucker shook his head. "how about 'UFO tofu' by bela fleck?"

ava nodded eagerly, and the woman sitting near tucker took the time to introduce herself. "welcome to the Pub! i'm linda nulo, tucker's girlfriend. beyond that, nobody is quite certain what my character does. heck, i don't even know what kind of car i drive."

"a toyota," ava stated with certainty.

"really? thanks!"

at that moment, a determined man strode in. "burkie, i don't like this talk of cars when everyone here is drinking. you need to set a good example to your half dozen or so readers! damn, that smells good!" he snagged two slices of pizza and a napkin.

"don't worry, judge st. bishop," burkie assured the high-strung magistrate. "that's why hepzibah is here, to be the designated driver."

the judge nodded, chewing with satisfaction. "so, why the party?"

"it's for burkie's brother," linda informed him.

"the one who rescues coal miners?"

"i thought he was a lineman for the county," tucker looked puzzled. "is that him over there?"

"oh, no. that's one of danny's friends, otis," cardigan explained, waving otis over to make introductions.

"nice to meet y'all," said otis. "my feet are killing me, though. i need to find a place to sit."

"sit on a potato pan, otis," ava suggested.

"good idea, ava. thanks!"

"good evening, friend cardigan!" a colonial-looking figure walked up, patting cardigan on the back with one hand and holding a slice of pizza in the other. "who is this ravishing creature?"

"hello, mr. franklin. this is burkie's friend, ava."

"it is a pleasure, miss. have you tried some of this pizza with salami on it? it's the bomb!"

ava shook her head. "go hang a salami. i'm a lasagna hog!"

mr. franklin nodded. "i like a mean lasagna, too. so, what's the occasion?"

"we're celebrating burkie's brother's birthday."

"oh, the one who digs moats for texas oilmen and cattlebarons? i'd like to meet him!"

"er, i'm not sure if he's even here," cardigan looked around. "hey, shakespeare! have you seen burkie's brother?"

"the elvis impersonator? no, i haven't," said the balding man with the neat goatee picking up dirty dishes.

"that's william shakespeare?" otis asked. "he looks rather drab to be the greatest playwright of all time."

"drab as a fool, as aloof as a bard," ava observed.

The Best New York Cheesecake

so it wasn't ready for the actual 4th....still, i started it during the 4th of july holiday weekend. that is, sunday. and then let it chill overnight. i made some blueberry and cherry sauce to top it with in keeping with the red, white, & blue theme of the weekend and...there you have it! and if you're wondering if it's good, i'll tell you: it's damn good. tall, creamy, rich but not too rich (despite five 8 oz. packages of cream cheese!), a buttery graham cracker crust...i think the book got this one right. i don't know about any techniques that make this recipe any more special than others, though i appreciate that it does not use a water bath. two tall thumbs up on this one :)

CYA: Gavin & Foxy Team Up With The Judge

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


"why not?" cardigan nodded. "let's go this way."

cardigan led foxy, the judge, and ChronoGuard Ben down the corridor to a door at the far end. he opened the door and, after they had all filed in, the door closed & locked behind them. they were unable to open the door again, but there were two doors on the far wall.

"okay, then. which door, guys?"



Click here to select the door on the left.

Click here to select the door on the right.