2010: The Year Of...

...cheap cookbooks! that's right. see that collection of 9 cookbooks there? they cost me a total of $51. i scored them all from the bargain table at border's over the years (except for the charlie palmer book there in the middle, which i got free by winning it from another food blogger). and most of them have lots of full-color photos to accompany the recipes, which i appreciate. the problem is, as incredible as the bargain seems, i've actually suffered a loss of $51 at this point because i have yet to use these books even once! ((okay, i did make one recipe out of the charlie palmer book. i--and quite a few others--was asked to Guest Blog on the blog from which i won the book because the blogger was going through a bad spell and needed some posts to fill in. i used one of the charlie palmer recipes and wrote it up a la caridgan & co. and submitted it, but it never got published. she wound up receiving more guest submissions than she needed, which is a good thing. i'm not sure the real food blogosphere is ready for my characters' shenanigans.)) so, i've decided to dedicate 2010 to turning those books into the bargains that they were destined to be, rather than the financial setbacks they now represent. of course, the books will have to come through with good recipes; if not, they will never be a bargain. i'm going to do my part, though. not that any of you who might be reading this care--i know you don't come here for the cooking, and certainly not for the recipes since i don't provide them (ostensibly for copyright reasons but, more truthfully, because it's a pain in the ass to type them up). my hope is that the blog will keep me motivated to use the cookbooks. more than it did this year with The New Best Recipe experiment, that is :)

Brilliant!

"i'm starving, danny boy! what's for supper?" gavin cardigan asked his friend danny blake as he entered Poor Yorick's Pub.

"i've got pasta with creamy leeks, spinach, and ham, along with some of burkie's bread," danny replied as he poured an ale for cardigan.

"that sounds worthy of asking for seconds in advance. thanks!" cardigan grabbed his pint and walked over to join the others. "howdy, y'all."

"wotcher, gavin!" taylor young greeted him in a hitherto nonexistent british accent.

caridgan looked over at taylor's girlfriend, marian elfman, who rolled her eyes. "taylor has decided that he's british."

"british?"

taylor nodded. "from stow-on-the-wold, actually. it's in the cotswolds."

"a vampire from the cotswolds?" cardigan looked incredulous. "isn't that rather...unconventional?"

"quite," taylor said.

"wait a minute!" linda nulo uncharacteristically spoke up. "he can just decide on his own that he's british? wtf?! i didn't know we could do that!"

taylor shrugged. "you don't know 'till you try, what?"

"hmmmm...." linda, a character so underdeveloped that she was just barely opaque, hmmmm'd. "maybe i should make my boobs bigger." she frowned. "or smaller. i don't know what size they are in the first place."

"er, i don't think anyone wants to know those kinds of details about us," sierra charles noted. "i know i don't."

"well, i'm not going to do anything rash," linda decided. "i'm going to give this some thought. besides," she added brightly, "if i beat boom-boom in the chamionship game of our fantasy football league next week, i get to write an entire chapter for the blog!"

danny walked over to deliver cardigan's meal. "just don't make any changes to the Pub, okay? i like it just the way it is."

"don't worry; your Pub's safe," linda grinned. "but i could see you in a handlebar mustache!"

"hmmm," Myserious Lurker hmmm'd as she suddenly appeared. "i like the way you think, linda."

"what if boom-boom wins?" sierra wondered as she reached for a slice of cardigan's bread. "she's even less developed than you are, linda. i wonder what she would write?"

cardigan glared at the bread thief. "keep your hands to yourself, charles, or i'll have boom-boom arrest you next time she's here!"

"cor blimey!" taylor exclaimed, a worried look upon his brow. "you don't think boom-boom will strip away my british citizenship, do you?"

"what's the status of your visa?" cardigan asked him. "she's a cop; she just might deport you."

"bugger!" taylor looked aggrieved. "i didn't think of that. she might toss me out on me arse!"

"i'm sure you'll win, honey," tucker told linda, kissing the top of her head before strumming a chord.

when it comes to football
no one beats my baby
when it comes to caulking bathtubs
no one beats my baby
when it comes to lovin'
no one beats my baby
don't you wish your baby were like mine?

"thanks, honey," linda smiled. "you're the best! if i win, i'll write something special for you."

"i got you, honey; nothing could be more special than that."

"you two are the cutest couple!" marian told them, then crunched up her face and looked toward taylor. "why can't we be that cute?"

"let me work on my accent, duck. in a fortnight, i wager we'll be just as--bollocks!" he knocked over his pint of bitter, spilling it all over his trousers.

tucker and linda managed to suppress their laughter while exchanging a low five behind their backs.

CYA: The Judge & The ChronoGuard Go Their Own Way

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


gavin shook his head. "no, we still need to find mr. franklin--" he glanced at ChronoGuard Ben and added, "the other mr. franklin. you guys go that way; we'll go this way."

they wished each other luck, then the judge & ChronoGuard Ben walked down the hall to the right, rounded the corner, and found themselves face-to-face with ben franklin!

"mr. franklin, we finally found you!"

ChronoGuard Ben shook his head. "that's not colonial me, your honor. that's a more senior me in the ChronoGuard.

"not exactly true," the new ben franklin said. "i'm a possible you that could be, if certain things go a certain way."

"i hate time travel," the judge murmured.

"i am happy to hear that," said the possible ben franklin that could be.

"why is that?" the judge asked in confusion.

"because you're gonna love this!" the possible ben franklin that could be replied with a maniacal laugh, taking out a gadget and pressing a button.

suddenly, the judge & ChronoGuard Ben were zapped into another dimension where they are standing in a cashier line. they are each holding a six pack of Schlitz, and there are four other customers in front of them. they heard the voice of the possible ben franklin that could be over the loud speaker.

"welcome to a customized time loop! i have taken great pains to make it very special for you. after all, it will be your home for eternity, bwah ha ha!"

"i don't like the sound of that," the judge whispered to ChronoGuard Ben. "what does he mean?"

ChronoGuard Ben sighed heavily as customer currently at the cashier emptied a bag of pennies onto the counter and started counting them out to pay for his beer. "it means that we are going to stand in line to buy this crappy beer. and, unless i have totally misread the evil possible me that could be, as soon as we get to the front of the line, we will start to re-live the entire episode again. and again. and again. forever and ever. that's what a time loop is, and there is no escape."

the judge looked alarmed as the customer directly in front of them was practicing phrases from The English Survival Guide for Vietnamese Travelers. "don't tell me that. do not tell me that!"

"i'm sorry, my friend, but it's true" ChronoGuard Ben told him, trying to mask his own frustration as the next customer in line began to argue that the sign in front of his beer said "Sale!"

"i can't take this--let's get out of here!" the judge tried to step out of line but couldn't.

"we can't," ChronoGuard Ben told him. "we have no choice but to play out the script that has been written."

the current customer was regaling the cashier with a litany of every ailment she had ever had, real or imagined.

"over, and over, and over again for eternity."

a vein was visibly throbbing in the judge's forehead. "why did the evil possible you that could be do this to you?"

ChronoGuard Ben shrugged his shoulders. "as i wrote in Poor Richard's Almanac, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. the ability to manipulate time definitely qualifies as absolute power."

"you didn't coin that phrase; Lord Acton did, in 1887," the judge pointed out.

"the point is," ChronoGuard Ben emphasized, "the possible me that could be has become drunk on power and wants to rule not only the world, but time as well."

the vietnamese customer finally croaked out a "thank you" and, as they stepped forward in line, they found four other customers in front of them. they heard the voice of the possible ben franklin that could be over the loud speaker.

"welcome to a customized time loop! i have taken great pains to make it very special for you. after all, it will be your home for eternity, bwah ha ha!"

the judge looked at ChronoGuard Ben in agony. "can we kill ourselves? or each other?"

"i wish."


THE END
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Reader,

You have reached the end of your adventure. I hope you enjoyed it! If not, well, you only have yourself to blame because, you know, you chose it yourself. Also, since you--not I--chose this adventure, it did not really take place in the Burkieverse and, therefore, will not have any continuity with the regular Poor Yorick's Pub chapters. Thanks for playing and, if you're in the mood to try another adventure, go back to the beginning and choose a different path!

The Wizard of Schnauze

"greetings, all!" gavin cardigan bellowed out as he entered the Pub.

"why are you bellowing?" danny blake asked from behind the bar as he poured a Guinness for his best customer.

cardigan shrugged. "i don't know. burkie's probably trying out new verbs."

danny handed him his pint. "well, fortunately for us, burkie has me cooking a hearty beef stew with sourdough bread today, so don't be too hard on him."

"i can't promise anything." cardigan took his stout over to join the others, breaking into a grin. "hi, foxy!"

foxy charles gave him a warm smile. "hi, gavin. you're looking well."

he nodded. "i'm feeling pretty well, too. what brings you here tonight?"

she glanced over at her sister sierra, who scowled. "i'm here to introduce sierra's date."

"another one?" he winked at sierra. "you get around, charles!"

"i have nothing to do with it! it's burkie's stupid contest. his sister gets to run my life now, it seems."

marian elfman gave her a disapproving look. "don't be so melodramatic! you might actually like this one."

"wanna bet?"

"no. you'd try even harder to not like him then."

taylor young looked up. "my enhanced hearing tells me the front door just opened. maybe that's him!"

marian rolled her eyes. "i heard it, too, taylor. your hearing isn't enhanced."

they all looked expectantly toward the front, only to deflate as burkie and special assistant hepzibah walked in.

Mysteriously Lurker suddenly appeared and hmph'd. "we thought you were sierra's date."

s.a. hepzibah shook her head. "no, but he should be here soon."

sierra asked, "did you bring your autograph book? is this one famous, too?"

foxy shook her head. "no...well, not like jacob. this one is more of, uh, an F-list celebrity," she added, looking away from her sister, who was a well-established D-list celebrity.

"how do you know him anyway?"

"through burkie's sister," foxy explained. "i've never met him, but she wrote and told me about him, suggesting he'd make a good match for sierra, so i contacted him and he agreed to come meet her."

"you've never met him?" sierra looked alarmed. "he might be amish, or a leprechaun, or have a tail!"

"an amish leprechaun with a tail," gavin mused. "burkie, can i enter the next contest?"

"door," taylor nodded toward the front again.

they held their breath, listening to the footsteps. when judge st. bishop entered the room accompanied by benjamin franklin, there was more than a little disappointment--along with relief on the part of sierra--in the collective exhale.

"what are you two doing here?"

the Pub's resident founding father beamed. "we've just come from the cinema where we saw Avatar. what an extraordinary experience!"

danny looked at the judge in suprise as he dropped off cardigan's food. "you took him to the movies, your honor? i thought you didn't like exposing him to modern technology."

"that ship is so far from shore that it it would get lost if it tried to turn around," answered the judge with a shrug as he and sierra helped themselves to cardigan's sourdough bread. "life's too short to get too worked up over things i can't control."

cardigan pointed, er, pointedly at his empty bread basket. "danny, a refill here? and might as well bring some stew for the judge and mr. franklin."

"vampire's lives aren't short," taylor noted with pride.

"we're fictional," cardigan reminded them. "we're not alive in the first place. except for mr. franklin, of course, and he's dead."

"i am not dead, dammit!"

"door," taylor informed them.

they turned again and saw the back of a man who approached danny at the bar.

"hey, it smells great in here! beef stew, right?" the man said jovially. "with potatoes, carrots, some red wine, a couple of bay leaves, and some dried thyme? and sourdough bread, unless i'm very much mistaken."

danny looked uncharacteristically flustered. "um, yeah. yeah, you're right. exactly right, as matter of...of fact."

the man nodded. "i'm never wrong! it smells great. may i have an order, please?"

"sure, yeah. uh, sure. no problem. i, uh, will bring it over shortly."

the man turned from danny and walked toward them wearing a friendly smile. "i hope this is the right place. i'm looking for foxy charles? my name is stoney karr."

foxy's bright smile began to fade as the newcomer approached them. he had a medium build, jet black hair, and piercing greens set on a ruggedly handsome face. ruggedly handsome, that is, except for the fact that his nose had three nostrils.

"oh, uh, i'm foxy," she replied, then hurriedly indicated her sister. "this is sierra, stoney."

he extended a hand. "hi, sierra. i've heard a lot about you. it's a pleasure to meet you in the flesh. i'm a big fan of your work in zz top videos."

sierra gripped his hand briefly. "oh, uh, thank you, stoney. uh....i understand that you're celebrity yourself?"

he took the seat next to her. "not really. i was a contestant on Who Wants To Be The Next Food Network Star. i didn't win, though."

"oh, well, show business can be like that. it's not always about talent, you knows--you know, i mean." sierra looked to caridgan for help.

cardigan looked just as uncomfortable. "so, uh, stoney. you're a chef? what is your specialty?"

"i was blessed with an extraordinary sense of taste and smell," stoney explained, not at all uncomfortable. "my gimmick on the show was bachelor meals, or cooking for one."

"that, uh, sounds like a good niche," danny noted as he delivered more food to the table. "cooking for one isn't easy."

stoney shrugged as he reached for some bread. "that was my thought, but i guess i must have come off as pathetic. i mean, who wants to see some poor shmuck cook for himself night after night?"

"oh, i'm sure nosebody would think that," sierra interjected, then cringed. "nobody, i mean. nobody would think that."

"so, do you work as a chef here in san francisco, stoney?" the Lurker asked him.

he nodded, waiting until he swallowed a mouthful of stew before answering. "yes, i've been the head chef over at Verona for about a year."

"Verona?" cardigan looked over at sierra. "that's how we met, charles. remember? your ex-client/boyfriend was the chef there when he was murdered!"

"james livermore?" stoney looked at sierra. "you dated livermore? wow, small world, huh?"

"did you knows---know him?"

stoney shook his head. "no, i never met him. i know him by reputation. everybody loved that guy." his looked at sierra sympathetically. "i'm sorry for your loss."

"oh, we weren't really dating," sierra replied. "we were just getting to knows each other--i mean, know each other, when that happened."

stoney reached over and squeezed her shoulder. "i knows you're uncomfortable, sierra. it's okay." his smile was reassuring and friendly. "i've been trying to live up to james livermore at work for the past year. i really don't want to have to do that in my private life, too. just friends?" he extended his hand.

sierra smiled in relief and shook his hand. "friends it is."

stoney stood. "it's been a pleasure to meet you all. foxy, thanks for everything."

"you're welcome, stoney. it was nice meeting you, too."

cardigan nodded. "don't be a stranger, okay? we'll save a seat for you."

after he walked out, sierra noted, "you know, he really is a nice guy."

marian agreed. "and he cooks! unlike some boyfriends i could name." she turned toward taylor as she said this, scrunching up her face in annoyance.

taylor shrugged. "i don't have to cook. we eat here."

"maybe you should give him a chance, charles," cardigan suggested.

"he had three nostrils! i couldn't stop looking at them! i couldn't stop talking about them!"

"i knows," the others said in unison.

as the great english dramatist came to bus the table, sierra turned to him and asked, "what do you think, shakespeare?"

"that which we call a nose by any other name would smell as sweet."

judge st. bishop groaned. "how long have you had that one in your pocket, waiting to bring it out at just the right moment?"

shakespeare grinned at the judge and exchanged a high five with burkie.


Author's Note: my sister kelly created the character (except for a couple of embelishments on my part)--and the name--of stoney karr. any resemblence between stoney karr and anybody else, whether they be named stoney or karr or anything near that, is coincidental. or, it's kelly's fault. :)

The Fur Will Fly

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung up his jacket, and inhaled deeply and with appreciation. "smells great, danny. what're we having for dinner?"

"korean bbq-style burgers," danny black replied as he poured gavin a beer. "i'll make you two."

"to start with," cardigan amended as he took his beer over to his accustomed table with his accustomed friends.

"hey, i don't think i like being defined as accustomed," sierra charles complained as gavin took his seat.

"i didn't call you that," gavin noted sourly. "burkie did."

"hmph," sierra sulked.

"now, now," burkie admonished her as he walked into the Pub. "no sulking! not when you're about to meet your date." he indicated the striking young man entering the Pub behind him.

sierra's eyes went round--

"burkie!"

"that's not what i meant!"

sierra's eyes went wide even as she glared at burkie at the same time.

the young man smiled warmly and extended a hand. "hi! my name is jacob. jacob black."

"oh, this is going to be good," taylor young grinned knowingly, baring his fangs.

sierra glanced nervously at taylor, then unabashedly looked the newcomer's 6'7" frame up and down, shook her hair flirtaciously, then took his hand with an approving smile. "hello. oh! your skin is warm."

she continued to hold his hand, now with both hands, until he finally said, "don't worry, i don't have a fever. i've always had higher-than-normal body temperature."

"no, it feels good," sierra cooed, continuing to rub his hand.

marian snickered. "she cooed."

sierra suddenly dropped his hand, embarrassed. "i'm sorry. please, uh, have a seat."

"thank you," he said, taking the seat next to her.

as danny placed a plate in front of cardigan, sierra grabbed one of the burgers and gave it to jacob. "here, these are fabulous!"

cardigan glared at her and moved his plate to the opposite side. "danny, better bring some more."

"burkie," marian turned toward their handsome creator, "where did jacob come from?"

"my friend mira suggested him for the contest."

"you mean your friend ava?"

"wow! you remembered me!" burkie's friend ava reinier appeared suddenly.

taylor looked around, bewildered. "where did you come from? you weren't here before?"

"i taught her that," Mysterious Lurker informed him, appearing suddenly at burkie's friend ava's side.

cardigan looked back and forth between the Lurker and burkie's friend ava, chewing his korean bbq-style burger thoughtfully, then snapped his fingers. "burkie's friend ava is your apprentice?"

the Lurker nodded. "yep. she shows a lot of talent for lurking."

danny dropped off more burgers and asked burkie's friend ava, "are you really lurking in a blog written by a dog?"

burkie's friend ava nodded. "yes. it's called oh my effing dog!"

"of course it is," danny muttered, returning back to his sanctuary behind the bar.

"it's my friend mira, not my friend ava, who suggested jacob," burkie explained. "she won the contest for the mug. well, actually, she co-won."

"co-won?" sierra tore her eyes regretfully away from her dark-haired date, starting to look nervous. "what does that mean? i have to go on more dates? why? what's wrong with this one? i like this one!"

jacob smiled. "that's nice of you to say, sierra."

taylor looked out the window. "it's getting dark outside. must be twilight."

marian scrunched up her face in annoyance. "of course, it's twilight out there, taylor. look what time it is!" she shook her head and looked toward their guest. "you'll have to forgive taylor, jacob. he--" she stopped suddenly. "jacob...jacob?" she looked over at taylor, who nodded, and she suddenly clapped her hands. "oh! oh!"

Mysterious Lurker smiled knowingly. "it is getting dark out there, isn't it. i hear there's a new moon."

sierra looked around, clearly in the dark. "what's going on? burkie, why can't i go out with jacob again? he's nice, seems normal, and..." she tilted her head toward her date. "have you seen him? woof!"

taylor, marian, and the Lurking started laughing out loud, exchanging high-fives.

special assistant hepzibah ran into the Pub at that moment, waving an autograph book. "i'm not too late, am i?"

"too late? too late for what?" sierra asked.

hepzibah looked inside her small purse for a pen, swore, then checked her large purse, swore again, and rummaged through her tote bag. "here it is!" she fished out an SFPD pen and handed it and the book to jacob. "can i have your autograph? i'm a huge fan."

"sure." jacob smiled and took the book.

"autograph?" sierra stared at jacob. "who are you? i'm sorry, but i'm a bit of a celebrity myself and i've never heard of you."

"you've never read the twilight series?" hepzibah looked surprised.

"twilight? oh, no. my agent got me an audition to play the mother of the girl--becca, or whatever her name is."

"bella," replied a chorus of voices around the room.

"whatever. he's my ex-agent now. i can't play somebody old enough to have a daughter in high school." she turned back to jacob. "so, are you a vampire?" she glanced over at taylor. "a real one, that is?"

"um, no. not exactly," jacob replied, looking uncomfortable for the first time since he arrived.

"he's a werewolf," marian told her with a grin.

"a real one," taylor added.

"werewolf?" she looked at burkie.

"ah, yes."

"werewolf?!" she looked at jacob.

"woof."

she shuddered. "and when you turn into a wolf, what do you eat?"

"um, you know. wolf stuff."

"you mean like Purina Wolf Chow? or you mean like dead rabbits and squirrels and things like that?"

jacob gave her his most charming smile. "well, it's hard to eat them when they're alive, you know. they kick going down."

"ewwwww. and your breath must be awful. thanks, but no thanks."

jacob sighed, then stood. "it's always the breath. i wish somebody would invent a breath mint strong enough for werewolves."

as jacob walked out, burkie's friend ava remarked, "wolf did flow."

taylor said, "aw, sierra. you would've been a great couple. he's a wolf, you're a cougar. you would've had the cutest cubs!"

"i am not a cougar!"

shakespeare came over to bus the table. "you made the right choice, fair sierra. he's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf, a horse's health, a boy's love, or a whore's oath."

she turned her un-kind eyes toward their handsome creator. "burkie, the next one better be human. got it?"

"oh, he's human all right," hepzibah giggled.

"why is she giggling?!" sierra looked indignant. "burkie? burkie!"

CYA: Juliet & The Darter Go Glam Rock

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!



the house vibrated gently and, in hardly any time at all, settled gently down to ground again. they rushed outside to see where & when they were.

"what the...?!"

they looked out onto a green-grey horizon with a distant orange sun in the west, and another one to the east.

"we're back in transexual!" the unconventional conventionist exclaimed gleefully.

"transexual?" the darted sounded worried.

"yes! our home planet, in the galaxy of transylvania. isn't it lovely?"

the other unconventional conventionists ran outside. some started dancing, and others began a strange ritual that involved intimate contact with each others' elbows.

juliet looked at the darter.

the darter looked at juliet.



Click here if you're a shipper

Click here if you're not

Impatient Mug Coveter

dear marian,
it's been a full 2 days since i submitted my pick for burkie's mug giveaway. i feel pretty confident in my pick because who better for sierra than tim gunn? in any case, i have some delish coffee waiting to be drunken...dranken...drunk...drank...drinked in the pub mug -- and i want to, no, need to know -- when will the winner be announced?
thirstily waiting,
the mug coveter

Dear M.C.,

The picks are in, Burkie and S.A. Hepzibah have conferred, and according to a special source, a winner has been chosen. However you will have to wait along with everyone else to find out the winner! Have patience; all will be revealed in good time. For the time being, use another mug and seriously, don't be so melodramatic!

Marian Elfman

Internment

gavin cardigan lumbered into Poor Yorick's Pub and grunted a greeting to the man behind the bar, owner danny blake.

danny handed him a freshly poured Bass. "you look plumb wore out. i prescribe some hot turkey and dumplings and a pint of ale. or two."

cardigan managed half a smile. "thanks, hoss."

he took his ale and joined the others, slumping into his regular seat.

"are you okay, cardigan?" sierra charles asked him.

"yeah, i'm all right. just tired. my case load is overwhleming at the moment."

"really? what are you working on?" marian elfman asked their resident private eye.

cardigan held up a fist and opened up a finger for each case. "deadbeat dad, wife suspected of cheating, husband suspected of cheating, a suspected insurance scam, and locating original parts for a '71 simca."

"what's a simca?" asked taylor young.

"a french car," cardigan sighed, "that apparently very, very few people in the u.s. ever bought."

"you should hire a staff, gavin," marian stated. "or maybe burkie can loan you special assistant hepzibah."

marian's cell phone rang and she answered. "oh, hi hepzibah! i was just...oh, i see. uh huh. um, okay. bye." she hung up and looked slightly abashed. "hepzibah said burkie's not her pimp, and neither am i."

Mysterious Lurker suddenly appeared and said, "don't hire somebody, gavin. get an intern or apprentice. you don't have to pay them. they work for the experience and a good reference."

cardigan sipped his ale thoughtfully. "that's not a bad idea, Lurker. any idea how i go about getting one?"

"i advertised on craig's list for mine, " she noted.

"you have an intern?" danny asked in surprised as he delivered cardigan's dinner. "since when? and for what?"

"for lurking, obviously," the Lurker replied. "burkie's isn't the only blog around, you know. a blog without lurkers can never be successful. i've had an apprentice for several months."

"does burkie pay you to lurk on his blog?"

"no, the advertisers do."

"burkie's blog doesn't have advertisers," cardigan pointed out. "it barely has readers."

"just because you don't see the advertisers doesn't mean they aren't there."

"you mean there are lurking advertisers, too?"

"exactly."

"why haven't we met your apprentice?" danny asked. "where is she?"

"lurking isn't a female-only profession, you know" the Lurker informed him.

danny conceded her point. "now that you mention it, i'm not sure it's even a human-only profession. the fact is, i'm still struggling with the concept of lurking as a profession. no offense, of course."

the Lurker grinned. "but in this case, it is a she of the species. you'll meet her soon, but she isn't ready for a blog like this yet. she's lurking in a blog written by a dog at the moment."

"of course she is," danny noted dryly and returned to the bar.

"what qualifications would you be looking for, gavin?" marian asked, bringing up a spreadsheet on her laptop.

"hmmm," he mused. "i think it should be a female. there are some cases where being a woman would be advantageous."

"f-e-m-a-l-e," marian typed. "do you want them to be a college graduate? if so, what major?"

"no, they don't have to be a college grad. law enforcement experience would be nice, and it would be a great help if she were really good with computers. someone who is good with people, but doesn't stick out from a crowd."

"anything else?"

"good organizational skills, adaptive, quick learner, detail-oriented, can work flexible hours, has her own car, good knowledge of the bay area, good judgement and discretion....i guess that's about it."

"sounds like you've given this some thought," sierra pointed out.

"no, but i know what it takes. you do to, charles. you used to be in the business."

"that was just a lark," she shrugged. "i never really had any cases."

"maybe i should get an apprentice, too," taylor spoke up.

a collection of stupefied, incredulous faces stared at him. "why...on earth...would you need an apprentice?" marian finally managed to croak out, her face being the most stupefied and incredulous of the lot.

taylor blushed. "you know, to teach the way of the vampire."

"taylor, the very fact that you are able to blush means you aren't a real vampire," the Lurker pointed out.

taylor hmph'd. "maybe i should be an apprentice to a real vampire, then."

marian scrunched up her face. "i don't want to date a real vampire, taylor. i like you just the way you are."

"really?" taylor looked surprised and pleased. "thanks, honey."

"though it wouldn't hurt you to apprentice for a legitimate career, though," she added. "too bad gavin is looking for a female."

"uh, yeah," cardigan muttered uncomfortably. "sorry, taylor. i really need female help."

sierra snickered, earning a glare from cardigan.

"i'll post this for you, gavin, and we can go over the resumes when they come in and then set up some interviews."

"thanks, marian. i appreciate you help in finding me some help."

shakespeare came over to bus the dirty dishes and said, "she that is thy friend indeed, she will help thee in thy need."

CYA: Gavin & Foxy, ZOMG! 1

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!



foxy gasped as they spotted the nekkid forms of sierra and henry dart into a room before them. "sierra!"

as the door slammed behind sierra and henry, foxy turned to a dumbstruck cardigan. "now what?"



Click Here If You Want Them To Team Up

Click Here If You Don't

Putting the Giving in Thanksgiving

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and greeted his friend behind the bar. "hey, danny! what's on the menu tonight?"

"big curry noodle pot," danny blake replied, pouring his best friend and customer a Bass.

"sounds slurpingly delicious, my friend." he took his pint and walked over to join the other regulars. "oh, hi hepzibah. what's up?"

special assistant hepzibah was seated next to marian elfman, who was typing on her laptop. "hi, gavin. marian wanted to discuss an idea for the blog."

marian looked up. "i've been reading some of the food blogs that burkie reads, and i noticed that some of them are offering giveaways to their readers. with the holidays approaching, i thought that we should have a giveaway, too."

"hmmm," cardigan reflected. "didn't burkie win one of those giveaways once?"

hepzibah nodded. "yes, he won a cookbook from thursday night countdown. she's giving away potholders now, to whichever reader has the most disgusting potholders."

"the potholder idea was inspired by a blogger who ran a contest for the ugliest pillows," marian noted. "and jen, from use real butter, is giving away a hand-knitted scarf."

"marian, you knit," sierra charles pointed out. "do you want to offer a scarf?"

the knitting advice columnist shook her head. "no, that's already been done. we should be original!"

"first we need to figure out a contest, and then figure out a prize," s.a. hepzibah stated, pushing up the sleeves of her SFPD sweatshirt.

"how about an essay contest?" taylor young suggested. "readers could write about their favorite character, and the winner would receive an autographed picture."

"we don't exist, taylor," the black-haired Mysterious Lurker reminded him. "we can't autograph anything. plus, you're a vampire, so you couldn't be photographed even if you existed."

"a recipe contest," danny suggested as he placed cardigan's dinner on the table. "and burkie could make the winning dish for the winner."

"not all of burkie's readers are local, danny," hepzibah informed him. "his readership has grown--perhaps even into the double digits. the prize would have to be mailable, and non-perishable."

tucker strummed a chord on his guitar. "whatever the contest is, i could write a song for the winner."

cardigan, marian, and hepzibah all grimaced, having been the subject of a tucker song.

"um, maybe not, tucker," taylor jumped in, noting the looks around the table. "there's probably copyright issues or something."

at that moment, figure with spiky white hair and a long black coat strode in, holding out a business card. "might i suggest--"

the Lurker rolled her eyes. "dat, if you're offering another free rescue from the black darter, you can turn right around and leave."

the black darter's face turned redder than the Lurker's locks and he turned around and left.

"Lurker, you could do a virtual tarot reading for the winner," cardigan suggested.

the Lurker shook her blonde braids. "no, it has to be done in person. i need their energy to be present. speaking of prizes, did we ever figure out what the winner of the fantasy football league gets?"

hepzibah nodded. "yes. burkie will let the winner write a chapter. now, can we agree to a contest? i've got the prize figured out."

"someone could suggest an interesting blind date for charles," cardigan grinned.

"no!" sierra looked indignant.

"hey, i like that idea!"

"me, too!"

hepzibah looked at sierra with sympathy. "those are consistently entertaining stories, you have to admit."

"that's not fair!"

"what's the prize, hepzibah?"

"a genuine Poor Yorick's Pub coffee mug."

"we have mugs? i wanna see!" marian exclaimed.

"look at the posting below called 'Mug Shots,'" hepzibah instructed her.

"yay! we have mugs!"

"so what do you have to do to win?"

"send burkie an email at burkie47@gmail.com and suggest a blind date idea for sierra by 1 december. burkie and i will select the best idea, and the winner will win the mug," hepzibah explained.

"hmph," sierra hmph'd.

Mug Shots

CYA: Sierra & Henry Poke Around

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before you read any further!



sierra took the graduation gown and slipped it on. "i look ridiculous."

"we're in college. we're entitled to look ridiculous."

"good point," sierra conceded.

they walked down the corridor, checking each room. sierra checked all the cupboards and drawers as well. "i'm starving!"

"yeah, that's a side effect of timetravel," henry told her. "let's check the next floor."

in the second room of the next floor, sierra found four apples. "bingo!"

she threw one to henry and bit into one. "omg, this is the best apple i've ever tasted! is that because i'm so hungry?"

henry shook his head. "no, i don't think so. it's probably because they don't use pesticides and chemical fertilizers during this time." he chewed his apple with gusto. "you're right, these are terrific! sweet & juicy."

sierra was already well into her second apple. "i guess that means you're planning to eat that other one?"

henry snatched it before she could. "yes."

they nibbled down the core, licked their fingers clean, and continued down the hall. at the end, they saw a door with a sign indicating that it was the office of Dr. A. G. Bell.

"this is it!" sierra said excitedly.

henry opened the door.



Click Here For The Conclusion

Click Here For The Thrilling Conclusion

Bridesgroom Revisited

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and greeted his friend behind the bar. "howdy, danny! what's for dinner tonight?"

"baked potato soup," danny blake replied, pouring his friend a Guinness. "and some of burkie's bread. i'll bring some over to you shortly."

"thank you, sir." cardigan walked over to join the other regulars.

"hi, gavin!" foxy charles greeted him warmly.

"foxy!" cardigan grinned foolishly, as he always did when sierra's charming sister visited. "what brings you to town?"

"a wedding. a friend of mine got married earlier today."

"well, i wish them well," caridgan raised his glass.

"me, too. this is their second marriage. to each other."

"hey, that could be an interesting song!" tucker exclaimed, then started strumming.

he said, "i do,"
but then he didn't
she said, "screw you!"
then felt repentant...

"did you just rhyme didn't with repentant?" the Pub's busboy, william shakespeare interrupted.

"uh, yeah," tucker replied, a little sheepishly. "is that so ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d?"

"bad? it's brilliant!" shakespeare was busy writing it down.

"what's the gift protocol for a wedding like that?" danny asked as he delivered cardigan's soup and bread. "if you gave them a gift for the first wedding, i'd say you were off the hook for the second wedding."

"that's the approach i took," foxy admitted as she stole a piece of bread from cardigan's plate, just beating out sierra's grasping fingers.

caridgan glared at sierra and asked danny for more bread.

"hey, don't glare at me. she took it," sierra hmph'd, without actually saying hmph.

"is the best man called the second-best man?" taylor wondered.

the Mysterious Lurker appeared out of nowhere. "and the maid of honor could be called less-than-honorable maid."

"can you imagine being the bride's father and giving her away again to the same guy?" cardigan grinned. "awkward."

"i'm glad i didn't get asked for advice about this wedding," syndicated advice columnist marian elfman noted. "it's too complicated!"

"it was a cute ceremony," foxy giggled. "they added 'for sure this time' when they said 'i do.'"

"i wonder who of us will be first to get married," the Lurker mused.

cardigan pointed at taylor and marian. "they've been together longest. won't it be them?"

marian shook her head. "you need a blood test and birth certificate to get married. kinda difficult when the groom is a vampire."

"that means tucker and linda nulo," taylor said, then knocked his beer over at the sudden sound of his phone's ringtone.

"man, i wish i could write a song that good," tucker lamented.

taylor spoke briefly on the phone, then said, "that was linda. she said that her character is apparently so inconsequential that she can't even be here for this conversation, much less get married."

"i guess that leaves the Lurker and danny," sierra grinned.

"hmmmm....," danny pondered. "not a bad idea, but i don't think it has been officially established that we're seeing each other."

the Lurker nodded. "i think i'd be less Mysterious if it were official, and i don't want to be known as Conspicuous Lurker."

"that's a cool name!" marian exclaimed. "maybe burkie should give you a brother named Conspicuous."

"well, if it's not going to be linda and i, or marian and taylor, or the Lurker and danny," tucker noted, looking around, "that only leaves gavin and sierra."

gavin looked startled. "what?!"

sierra spluttered. "what?!"

"OR gavin and foxy," marian suggested.

cardigan's face brightened as foxy's reddened, but then judge st. bishop stormed into the Pub. "too late. the first marriage has already taken place," he announced.

"really?"

"yep. maddog and her indulgent boyfriend--now husband--chris got married back in june," the judge reminded them. "danny, can i get some grub over here? thanks."

marian made a face of annoyance. "they don't count--they're in the real world."

"they've been here, so they count," the judge insisted.

"okay, fine, but they don't have to be the only married people here," marian argued. "we could have the wedding here! you could perfom the ceremony, danny could be best man, sierra maid of honor, tucker could sing, special assistant hepzibah could plan the honeymoon. i'm calling burkie!"

"shouldn't gavin and foxy have a say in this?" danny wondered.

gavin shook his head. "we never have a say; it's burkie's call." he looked over at foxy and smiled reassuringly. "don't worry, foxy. burkie prefers his private eyes lonely and bitter."

she winked. "who's worried? it might be fun."

marian hung up her phone and hmph'd. "s.a. hepzibah said burkie wasn't planning for gavin to get married any time soon."

gavin lifted his empty pint and hmph'd in disappointment. "another Guinness, danny."

CYA: Boom-Boom & Linda Get Up To Speed

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!


linda picked her way through the downtown traffic, finally managing to take an on-ramp onto the freeway.

"come on, let's go!"

linda pressed her foot into the floor as she weaved in and out of varoius lanes. when the speedometer needle reached 80 mph, she told boom-boom, "hold on. we're almost there!"

three seconds later, there was a bright flash and then the car was hurdling at 88 mph through a vacant field. both women screamed, then hurriedly changed their screams into a grimace as linda brought the runaway car to a stop.

as soon as they caught their breath, boom-boom whipped out a notebook and begin to write in it.

"what are you doing--keeping a diary?"

boom-boom tore off the page and handed it to linda, who looked at it and exclaimed, "a ticket?! you gave me a freakin' speeding ticket?!"

"the law is the law, and you broke it," boom-boom informed her as she opened the door and got out of the car. "now, where the hell are we?"



Click here if they're Here

Click here if they're There

Quite Contrarian

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and hung up his wet raincoat. "good evening, danny!"

danny cardigan shook his head at his friend's entrance, and looked over at the table in the far corner. "burkie, it's sunny and clear in san francisco today. do your homework before you write about us."

their handsome creator glared at him. "just because i'm writing it today doesn't mean the story takes place today, danny. i'm employing some poetic license here."

"this ain't poetry."

"just pour him a beer and tell him what's on the menu tonight, will you?"

danny shrugged and handed cardigan a pint. "we're having char kway teow."

"what's that?"

"fried flat rice noodles, with an eggnet. it's a thai dish."

"bring it on, my man." cardigan took a sip and went over to join the others.

"so what's the story tonight, burkie?" sierra charles asked.

"i'm not sure," burkie admitted. "i'm too late for halloween."

marian scowled. "that would've been fun. you suck!"

burkie raised his right eyebrow in her general direction, then began to type.

a young man in a bad suit entered the pub. "is there a marian elfman here?"

"over here!" marian waved excitedly.

"here you go, miss. sorry!" he handed her an envelope then hurried out.

marian opened the envelope and read the contents, her face growing hard. "burkie, no!"

"what is it, hon?" her clumsy, vampire wannabe boyfriend taylor young asked.

"i'm being sued!"

"sued?! why?"

"i allegedly gave somebody bad advice in my column," marian fumed, referring to her syndicated advice column Don't Be So Melodramatic!

Mysterious Lurker gave burkie a dirty look. "burkie, that's not nice."

"hey, it happens. it's a tough world out there," burkie responded, then began to type again.

"who was the advisee, marian?" danny asked as he delivered cardigan's dinner.

"a woman who was having trouble with dividing her time between her boyfriend and her bff, who didn't like her boyfriend."

"what did you advise her?"

"i told her that her bff was being melodramatic and she should just ignore her and concentrate on her boyfriend," marian explained. "apparently, her bff didn't like being ditched, so she went out and seduced her friend's boyfriend, who ditched the first girl for the now ex-bff, and i'm getting sued for bad advice!"

"that sucks," burkie noted, then went back to typing.

at that moment, another young man walked into the Pub. "is there a marian elfman here?"

marian stomped her foot and wailed. "not again!"

the man handed her an envelope and hurried out the door again, muttering an apology on his way out.

marian ripped the envelope open, read the contents, and wailed again. "this isn't fair!"

"what is it this time?" sierra asked.

"one of my ex-boyfriends is suing me for a broken heart!"

"how many ex-boyfriends do you have?" taylor wondered.

"i don't know!" marian exclaimed, suddenly alarmed. "burkie?"

their handsome creator stopped typing and tilted his head in thought. "i'm not sure. a baker's dozen?"

"no!"

"actually, that sounds fun," sierra acknowledged.

cardigan agreed. "marian's rogue gallery. we should learn more about them."

"no! i don't want a rogue's gallery!"

the Lurker swung her braids. "they could all have nursery rhyme names, like jack horner and john jacob jingleheimer schmidt."

"i don't want an ex-boyfriend named john jacob jingleheimer schmidt!" marian wailed, yet again.

just then, judge st. bishop stormed into the Pub, his hands over his ears. "no more wailing, please!"

"but your honor, i..."

the judge raised his hand. "i know, but i've thrown out both lawsuits for being frivolous."

"really? oh, thank you!" she ran over to give him a hug.

the judge looked over at burkie. "can one of her exes be named 'wee willie winkie?'"

"done."

"noooooo!!!!"

Crooner or Later

"greetings, everyone!" gavin cardigan...um...greeted everyone as he entered the Pub.

"howdy, gavin," danny blake...um...howdied in reply as he poured a Guinness.

"what're we eating tonight, danny boy?" cardigan inquired inquiringly.

"Putain de Pâtes aux Truffes et de Fromage, huh huh huh," danny croaked out froggily in his best french, which was terrible, to be quite frank.

"huh?" cardigan huh'ed with a puzzled look on his face. "and burkie, cut that out!"

"it means the truffle ho's mac & cheese. it has several kinds of cheese and several forms of truffles," danny explained. "except for actual truffles."

"fancy. but i thought you were making chicken enchiladas?"

danny shrugged. "i was going to, but 20 percent of burkie's readership complained about his teasing them with my frito pie last time, so he had me make something a little less inclined to make texans feel homesick."

cardigan nodded knowingly. "gotcha."

he walked over to join his regulars, who were all busy inhaling the truffley fumes of their dinner.

"this stuff smells heavenly," sierra charles cooed.

"i did not coo!" sierra objected.

marian elfman snickered. "they guy who wooed you last night probably cooed."

cardigan grinned. "you go on another date last night, charles? woo-hoo!"

sierra shuddered. "i don't want to talk about it."

Mysterious Lurker chided her. "you have to talk about it. we wouldn't be here otherwise."

"but why is it always me? i don't even want a date!" she fumed. "why can't cardigan go out with somebody? he wants to."

"true," cardigan admitted. "but not if they turn out like yours."

"so who hooked you up this time, sierra?" danny asked as he delivered a plateful of mac & cheese to cardigan.

sierra glared over at linda nulo, who was studying the fantasy football standings with more concentration than they deserved.

"linda and tucker invited me to a concert last night, and tucker's old roommate was there."

"he's a nice guy," tucker said, defensively. "and a great musician. he has a beautiful voice."

"he didn't have to sing to me. every song!"

"sing to you?"

the Lurker grinned. "he apparently sang along to every song at the concert, gazing lovingly into sierra's eyes the whole time."

marian snickered again. "and there were a lot of love songs."

"and he kept telling her that she was super cute between songs," taylor added.

"he's honest with his feelings," tucked protested. "i thought women liked that!"

"we just met, and he crooned all night about how much he loved me. creepy!"

"they were just songs."

"still creepy!"

"he doesn't sound that bad, charles," cardigan put in. "you should give him another chance."

"no! plus, he's only 22 years old. AND he has googly eyes."

"oh. well, i guess that could be a little disconcerting. especially if he's crooning at you."

"he's a cooer and a crooner!" marian pointed out.

"and sierra is a cougar," taylor grinned. "we'll have to compare fangs."

"i am not a cougar! hmph!"

tucker strummed a minor chord on his guitar, causing sierra to bristle.

"just like a cougar," taylor noted.

"i did not bristle! tucker, no cougar songs!"

CYA: The Judge & The ChronoGuard Stay On Course

NOTE: if you did not jump to this chapter as a result of the Choose Your Adventure story, please go here before reading any further!



"are you going to answer it?" the judge asked.

ChronoGuard Ben shook his head. "no. i doubt it could be a bigger emergency than saving me. let's go!"

he closed his eyes and they faded away, only to reappear inside a building in boston university in 1876.

the judge looked around. "that's it? no lights, sounds, or vomit involved?"

"no, your honor. nothing that dramatic--ungh!"

the judge watched in astonishment as ChronoGuard Ben's face froze and he fell forward onto his face, a black dart sticking up from the back of his neck.

"oh, no." he looked up to see the black darter lowering the blow gun from his face.



Go here for the rest

You Say Reality, I Say Frito Pie

gavin cardigan shivered as he entered the Pub. "it's getting chilly out there."

"i've got just the thing for you: frito pie," danny blake told him from behind the bar, where he was pouring a Guinness.

"frito pie?" cardigan accepted the Guinness with thanks.

"trust me, my friend. you'll love it."

"i always trust you, danny boy. that's why i come here every night." cardigan walked over to join the other regulars.

"you come here every night?" sierra charles asked him as he joined her and the others at the table.

"yes, just like you," cardigan gave her a puzzled look. "right?"

"oh. well, i don't really know. i mean, burkie doesn't write about us every day. do we still come here on the nights he doesn't write?" sierra scraped her spoon around her empty bowl in frustration.

marian elfman scrunched her face in concern. "i never thought about that! i just assumed that whatever we were doing wasn't worth writing about. what if we're dead when he doesn't write about us?"

"i'm undead when he writes about us," taylor young noted, flashing his fangs. "does that mean i'm alive when he doesn't?"

"actually," danny said as he delivered cardigan's frito pie, "i think he types about us, not writes."

"i hate these conversations," cardigan muttered as he spooned up a gooey, smoking glob of chili, cheese, onions, and fritos.

"i think our world is an alternate universe," the green-haired Mysterious Lurker theorized. "our days and nights don't match the real world's days and nights exactly. burkie doesn't write about us every day in his world, but it winds up being every day in our world. see?"

"but who says burkie's world is the real world? maybe our world is the real world, and burkie is in purgatory or something," caridgan mused. "maybe he's the one who's really undead, and is living through us vicariously."

"if burkie's in purgatory, i'm sure he has more important things to do than to write or type about my going out on a date with muppet guy," sierra noted sourly.

marian snickered. "i forgot about him. burkie needs to send you out on another date!"

"i can find my own dates, thank you very much," sierra hmph'd.

"don't you have to actually say 'hmph' when you use 'hmph' as a verb?"

"it was implied," sierra replied, huffily. "and you just split an infinitive. hmph!"

"hmph!"

tucker, their resident shaggy-haired guitar player, strummed a chord.

he poured another shot of rye and
read her note once more
typed in black Verdana font
size 18, underscored
he took a swig then wiped his mouth
and rubbed his weary head
the note was simple and direct--
"hmph!" was all it said

"i can't believe that burkie can waste so many words on the word 'hmph,'" taylor observed.

a chorus of voices rang out, "i can."

as an elizabethan man came to clear up their dirty dishes, cadigan asked, "what do you think, shakespeare? is our world the real world, or is burkie's? you seem to be part of both worlds."

the great english dramatist shrugged. "does it really matter?"

"well, of course it matters!" caridgan argued. "wouldn't you rather be part of the real world than a fake world?"

"i hold the world but as the world, friend cardigan; a stage where every man must play a part," shakespeare quoted himself as he left them for the dishwasher in the back room.

"hmph."

(Speaking) of Michelangelo...

"howdy, everybody!" gavin cardigan hollered out as he entered the Pub.

"howdy, gavin," danny blake replied, pouring him a Bass Ale. "i've got some tex-mex cheese enchiladas with chili gravy. interested?"

"you have to ask? i thought you were smarter than that," cardigan took a swallow, then walked over to join his friends.

sierra charles pointed her fork at the plate of half-eaten enchiladas in front of her. "these are amazing."

marian elfman, the notorious cheese ho', nodded in agreement as she chewed with a smile on her face. cardigan wondered briefly how she was able to do that.

linda nulo looked up from her notebook. "burkie's from texas. he knows what good enchiladas are." she looked over at taylor young, her jaw tightening. "you're going down, vampire!"

taylor bared his fangs in her general direction. "i do my talking on the field, where i'm 2-0. what's your record again? oh, yeah. 1-1."

just then, an exuberant young man--well, no longer young, really...definitely on the back side of 30--with bright red hair came bouncing into the Pub. "h.t.s.e.b.d. everybody!"

marian made a face that looked kinda like this o.O as he approached the table. "i guess i'm early," he noted, looking around as if he expected to see more people.

"early for what?" Mysterious Lurker asked, her steely eyes glinting dangerously. "and who are you? and what does...whatever you said...mean?"

"why, Happy T.S. Eliot's BirthDay, of course!" he looked around, his smile refusing to give in to the disinterest dominating the room. "aren't you guys celebrating? i'm sean IX, by the way."

"sean icks?"

"not icks. those are roman numerals. i'm sean the ninth," he explained, as if that made perfect sense.

"the ninth what?"

"the ninth wonder of the modern world," he quipped, with a wink. "but you can call me sean."

"i prefer icks," cardigan muttered under his breath.

"why would you think we'd be celebrating t.s. eliot's birthday?" sierra asked.

"why, he's the coolest poet of all time," sean IX answered in a tone of conviction that this could not be disputed.

"i don't know about that," danny stated flatly as he delivered a plate of enchiladas to gavin.

"enchiladas?" sean IX shook his head. "that's not appropriate for eliot. he was american before he was british, but he wasn't a texan. how 'bout some bangers 'n mash?"

"no."

"eliot wasn't anywhere near as cool as poe," the Lurker noted, her raven hair falling across half her face. "poe died of mysterious causes. how did eliot die?"

"emphysema," sean IX expained, "but--"

"or sylvia plath!" marian noted gleefully. "she stuck her head in an oven!"

"i like coleridge," added taylor. "especially cristabel. did eliot ever write about vampires?"

"no, but--"

"hondo crouch wrote poems about luckenbach," linda pointed out. "you can't get cooler than that. plus, his name was hondo. and crouch."

"well, yes, but--"

"i like burkie's poetry," sierra broke in. "he won an award, you know. wait..." she shook her head violently. "i don't know why i said that."

cardigan rolled his eyes. "gee, i can't imagine why you'd say that."

"but eliot won the--"

"i like cliff lynn. he's a modern poet," cardigan continued, ignoring the indefatigable eliot fanatic. "he's won an award, too."

a neat, balding man with a little beard came forward to collect their plates. "dr. seuss is the coolest poet of any age," he declared, um, declaratively.

"except for yourself, shakespeare," cardigan slapped him on the back. "you da man!"

"and this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and coolness in everything," shakespeare replied, bringing the debate to an end.