For Better or Verse

gavin cardigan strode into Poor Yorick's Pub, humming the "Eyes of Texas."

"enjoy the game yesterday, gavin?" danny blake asked as he poured an ale.

"immensely!" cardigan grinned, taking the beer. "what're we eating today?"

"tamales."

caridgan raised his eyes heavenward and said a silent prayer of thanks to the gods. "i'm not sure this weekend can get any better."

"hi, gavin!" sierra's sister, foxy, called out to him, waving him toward their table.

cardigan's eyes looked upward again briefly before walking over to join the others. "hi, foxy. what brings you to town?"

"oh, burkie and i needed to do some work on our book."

"oh," cardigan muttered, his mood starting to deflate. "burkie's here?"

"no, he left already," sierra informed him. "you can go back to being happy."

"what've you got against burkie, gavin?" foxy turned to him, surprised. "he is our handsome creator, after all."

marian snickered. "gavin hasn't had a date since burkie started this blog."

cardigan glared. "can't we talk about something besides burkie?"

"the Lurker hasn't had a date either," taylor pointed out.

"says who?" danny queried as he dropped off a plate of steaming tamales, winking at the blushing Lurker.

"well, i'd rather not have a date than go out with the guys that burkie has set me up with," sierra shuddered.

foxy giggled. "sierra was just telling us about last night's fiasco."

"oh, really?" cadigan had just bit into a tamale, signaling his appreciation to danny. "who was he?"

"one of my agent's friends, also an agent. he's actually quite good-looking and rather charming. at least, at first." she takes one of cardigan's tamales, pulls the husk off, and takes a bite.

cardigan moves his plate out of her reach with a look of irritation. "so, what's the problem?"

"he likes the muppets."

"what's wrong with the muppets?" cardigan looked surprised. "i like 'em, too. especially cookie monster."

"i like the count," taylor noted.

"tattooey rat is my favorite," Mysterious Lurker stated, a rat tattoo appearing on her leg.

tucker strummed his guitar. "i like billy idle."

I heard the letter L
let out a luh-luh-luh...

"that's not a muppet," marian made a face.

"is, too," tucker retorted. "check this out."

"oh," marian blinked. "sorry, tucker. hey, how come miss piggy is the only female muppet?"

"and why is smurfette the only female smurf?" foxy wondered.

"actually, there were three female smurfs," judge st. bishop walked in to educate them on all things smurfy. "smurfette, sassette, and nanny smurf." he picked up one of cardigan's tamales and started chomping. "say, these are good! danny, more tamales over here, okay?"

"and i think there are other female muppets, too, like the guitar player in dr. teeth's band," cardigan noted. "but tell us about your date, charles. what was wrong with him?"

sierra looked at them all with a look of concern. "you guys know much more about muppets and smurfs than i'm comfortable with," she stated. "anyway, he kept imitating different muppets. after he said 'hello,' i don't think he used his own voice the rest of the night. it was always beaker or the swedish chef or those old guys."

"i love those old guys," danny acknowledged as he dropped off another plate of tamales.

cardigan was laughing along with the others at sierra's woes, then started scowling again. "still, at least you've had a date."

william shakespeare came over to gather the empty mugs and plates. "perhaps, sir, you should take matters into your own hands."

cardigan looked at the bard and nodded. "okay, mr. shakespeare. what do you suggest?"

shakespeare nodded toward tucker. "maestro!"

tucker strummed a chord and looked back at shakespeare, who began to sing:

"brush up your shakespeare!
start quoting me now.
brush up your shakespeare!
and the women you will wow."

tucker followed on his heels:

"just declaim a few lines from Othella,
and they'll think you're a hell of a fella!"

marian joined in:

"if your blonde won't respond when you flatter 'er
tell her what Tony told Cleopatterer!"

followed by the judge:

"if she fights when her clothes you are mussing,
what are clothes? Much Ado About Nussing!"

the judge, marian, and taylor linked arms and sang along:

"brush up your Shakespeare,
and they'll all kow-tow!"

cardigan was dumbfounded, his jaw hanging open, as foxy took up the next verse:

"with the wife of the British ambessida
try a crack out of Troilus and Cressida!
if she says she won't buy it or tike it
make her tike it, what's more As You Like It!"

then sierra joined her:

"if she says your behavior is heinous
kick her right in the Coriolanus
brush up your shakespeare
and they'll all kow-tow!"

Mysterious Lurker stood up beside danny:

"if you can't be a ham and do Hamlet,
they will not give a damn or a damlet!
just recite an occasional sonnet
and your lap'll have honey upon it!"

to cardigan's horror, danny piped up as well:

"when your baby is pleading for pleasure,
let her sample your Measure for Measure!
brush up your Shakespeare,
and they'll all kow-tow!"

cardigan put his head down on the table. shakespeare patted him on the back. "Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows," he noted.

cardigan placed his hands over his ears.

(Acknowledgement: special thanks to cole porter for the lyrics above. i'd love to take credit but, alas! i cannot.)