Ugly Is in the Eye of the Beholder

"howdy, everyone!" cardigan greeted the regulars as he walked into the Pub. "what's on the menu tonight, danny boy?"

"the ugly american," danny replied as he poured a beer.

"what the hell is that?"

"goodness on a plate," sierra charles told him as she approached the bar and ordered another one.

cardigan took his place at the table and noted the empty plates and the copious amount of finger-licking taking place. "must be good. but what is it, exactly?"

"it's a peanut butter, fig jam, and banana grilled cheese sandwich," taylor informed him.

cardigan felt slightly queasy. "you're not serious."

"we're totally serious, gavin," marian informed him. "i don't even like peanut butter, and i loved it."

"why fig jam? shouldn't it be concord grape? fig doesn't sound very american to me. that would be the ugly french," caridgan noted.

"that's true," marian admitted. "and they'd probably use nutella instead of peanut butter, and gruyere instead of american cheese, of course. and apple instead of banana."

"hmmm, as much as i'd hate to give the french any credit, that actually sounds a lot more tasty than the ugly american. but, i guess you couldn't call it ugly, then."

"i was ambassador to france and i can tell you that their reputation for cooking is over-rated," benjamin franklin noted as he walked into the Pub. "i'm quite intrigued by this ugly american. please prepare one for me, barman!"

Mysterious Lurker pulled another stool over to their table with a bright smile, her dark brown hair turning to a soft, golden sunny shade. "it's good to see you, mr. franklin. do you like peanut butter?"

"i've never had it before, miss. i believe it was invented here long after my time." he chuckled.

as if on cue, judge st. bishop stormed into the Pub. "damnit, burkie! you must stop tainting benjamin franklin like this! you have no idea of the dangers of tampering with our history!" he looks at the platter of ugly americans that danny is carrying over to the table, wrinkling his nose. "that looks disgusting."

benjamin franklin took a bite out of one almost immediately, his face breaking out with a look of bliss. "exquisite. you know, tommy jefferson grew peanuts all over the place, making soups and all manner of revolting things with them. why couldn't he have come up with peanut butter? i can't believe you people consider him a genius. a fop, that's what he was."

cardigan bit into his ugly american with trepidation, chewing slowly, then more eagerly. "holy shit, this is good!"

sierra nodded eagerly, munching another one. "i wonder how many other ugly sandwiches we can come up with? the ugly hawaiian would probably have spam, pineapple, and macadamia butter, right?"

caridgan grimaced, "yeah, i suppose. how about an ugly mexican? jalepeno jelly, mexican chocolate, papaya, and queso chihuahua."

the Lurker shuddered. "that sounds like cheese made from chihuahuas."

"i wonder what formaggio di corgi would taste like?" marian snickered.

"corgi cheese?" sierra laughed. "that could go on the ugly italian with some hazlenut butter, cherry preserves, and salami."

benjamin franklin looked puzzled over this exchange, then concluded that it must be an inside joke. "may i play? i propose the ugly greek: olive paste, sardines, lemon marmalade, and feta cheese."

"not bad," the judge nodded. "but i could almost imagine myself eating that." he popped the last bite of his ugly american into his mouth with relish. "unlike this thing."

mr. franklin looked miffed. "oh, indeed? and what can you come up with, magistrate?"

"i would say the ugly pole: creamed herring and anything else."

"good point," mr. franklin conceded.