Turning Back the Crock

The dark ruins of a tavern. In the middle, a crockpot boiling. Thunder.

Enter the three Witches.

Pearl:  ruby, a crockpot?!

Ruby:  pearl, don't start with me, you ol' bitty!  cauldrons are heavy, and fires are a nuiscance.  we're lucky that danny's crockpot survived the explosion.

Pearl:  watch who you call an old bitty, you old bitty!

Esmerelda:  stop bickering you two!  we have to get this rrright in order to save the Pub.

Ruby:  Thrice the shaggy dog hath barked.

       Pearl:  Thrice and once, the hedge-pig marked.

       Emerelda:  Harrrpier harks:—'tis time! 'tis time!

       Ruby:  Round about the crockpot go;

    In the poison'd entrails throw.—

    Toad, that under cold stone,

    Days and nights has thirty-one;

    Swelter'd venom sleeping got,

    Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!

       ALL:  Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Pearl:  Fillet of a fenny snake,

    In the caldron boil and bake;

    Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

    Wool of bat, and tongue of dog--

Ruby:  uh, Pearl?  the Pub was named after a dog.  let's be a little more sensitive, shall we?

Pearl:  hmph.  just a minute...

[Pearl exits and returns shortly with a tattered bag.  she sets it down, rummages around inside, and brings forth a slender jar.  "just the thing!" she proclaims as she unscrews the lid and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]

      Pearl: Wool of bat, and tongue of hog,

    Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,

    Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,—

    For a charm of powerful trouble,

    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

       ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Esmerelda:  Scale of drrragon; tooth of wolf;

    Witches' mummy; maw and gulf

    Of the rrravin'd salt-sea shark;

    Rrroot of hemlock digg'd i the dark;

    Liver of blaspheming Jew--

Ruby:  uh, Esmerelda?  we don't denigrate Jews here.  please find something more Politically Correct.

[Esmerelda rolls her eyes, then reaches into Pearl's bag to search through various jars, vials, bags, boxes, and Ziploc bags.  finally brings forth one of those old 35mm film canisters, opens it, and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]

      Esmerelda:  Liver of the myopic mr. magoo,

   Gall of goat, and slips of yew

    Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;

    Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips--

Ruby:  ahem...

[Esmerelda swears and searches in the bag again, pulloing out two boxes and dumping the innards into the crockpot]

      Emerelda:  Nose of Jerk, wax candy lips;

    Finger of birth-strangled babe--

Ruby:  Esmerelda!!!

Esmerelda:  dammit, Ruby, i didn't wrrrite this stuff!  talk to shakespeare! 

[searches the bag again, finally noting with a hmph "there's nothing in here that rhymes with babe."]

[Pearl points out that the next actually ends with the word "drab" and asks if there is something that rhymes with that.]

[Esmerelda nods and pulls out a huge crustacean.]

Emerelda:  Claw of local Dungeness crrrab

    Ditch-deliver'd by a drrrab,—

    Make the grrruel thick and slab:

    Add thereto a tiger's chaudrrron,

    For the ingrediants of our crrrockpt.

       ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Pearl:  Cool it with a baboon's blood,

    Then the charm is firm and--

Ruby:  wait, Pearl!

Pearl:  what's wrong?

Ruby:  burkie wanted to get rid of one of the characters, remember?  when we restore the Pub, we should make sure one of them doesn't return.

Esmerelda:  i vote we get rrrid of that darrrter!

Ruby:  but the black darter wasn't on the list.  it's either us, the ghost of christmas present, archibald knemesis, dash chandler, or carlotta 2.0.

Esmerelda:  that carrrlotta caused all this!  let's get rrrid of her!

Ruby:  that was probably a glitch in her programming.  we can't blame her for that.

Pearl:  well, i am not going to bring things back only to kill myself off.

Ruby:  how about the ghost?  christmas is over, so he's technically in the past now anyway.  besides, we provide enough of a supernatural element to the Pub without him.

Pearl:  agreed.

Esmerelda:  agrrreed.

[Ruby draws a quick sketch of the ghost of christmas present, adding a big X across his face, and tosses it into the crockpot, then nods to Pearl to finish.]

       Pearl:  Cool it with a baboon's blood,

     Then the charm is firm and good!

[Darkness engulfs the Pub for a long time.  several months, in fact.  finally, light begins to grow and voices and activityin progress soon become apparent.]

"that's what she said," benjamin franklin replied with a grin.

the entire Pub roared with laughter, raising their glasses in a toast.

"here's to 2013!"  burkie declared.

"cheers!"

"to 2013!"

as the Pub regulars clinked glasses and exchanged hugs and what-not, the witches sank back in their chairs, admiring their work.

"hey!"  the black darter was looking around in agitation.  "where did my nose go?!"

Esmerelda smiled as she raised her beer glass to her lips.

Soft Dinner Rolls

i make these a lot, and even came up with the recipe.  i've just never gotten around to posting them.

i use a mixture of whole wheat flour for texture, bread flour for structure, and all-purpose flour for softness.  honey instead of sugar.  buttermilk as the liquid. often (not this time), i'll brush a wash of milk & honey on top before baking.  yums!

Tangerine-Glazed Easter Ham

i don't care for ham that much, to tell the truth (except in soups), but this one is better than most.  cooked long & slow with a nice syrupy glaze of tangerine juice, brown sugar, cinnamon sticks, and whole cloves, then slices of tangerine and fresh sage leaves all sticky and caramelized on top of the crisp skin--it's a good ham!  it's a tyler florence recipe, and you can find it here.  as you can see, i caramelized the tangerines & ham more than tyler did; it's better that way  *wink*

the search for the great burkie

Gavin Cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub. "Anything for supper tonight, Danny?"

Danny Blake scowled at Gavin and turned his attention to sweeping debris off the floor. "No kitchen, no food, Gavin. We're still cleaning up the mess Carlotta 2.0 left behind. Who knew that kicking someone out of the pub could be so explosive?"

Gavin nodded sympathetically. "Well, my vote was for someone else, but our dear creator had no interest in listening to me! Speaking of whom... where is he?"

Danny glanced up surprised, "Huh? Wait... What's going on? What are all these capital letters doing at the beginning of sentences?"

Gavin scanned the mostly empty pub. Only a handful of the regulars were around. Sierra Charlie frantically gestured her hands in the air with her cellphone plastered to her head. Taylor Young swept circles around the Mysterious Lurker and Marian Elfman, who were standing by the only furniture in the pub, a makeshift table created of leftover pieces from Danny's bar and an upside down garbage can. Gavin walked over to Marian and the Lurker, who were huddled over Marian's smartphone.

"What are you guys doing?" Gavin asked.

"We're trying to see if we can GPS track Burkie," the Lurker responded.

"And I'm filling in on the blog, too," Marian added. "I wanted to make sure that anyone trying to locate any loved ones who were at the pub last week could do so by checking in on the pub's blog page... I was going to set up a Twitter account, but I knew Burkie would feel uneasy about entering new social media worlds, so we're sticking with the blog for now."

Gavin looked relieved to have solved one mystery. "So who else have you heard from? Is everyone okay?"

Marian switched the screen on her smartphone to a spreadsheet. "Sierra is currently going through her phonebook checking in on everyone. So far she's been able to make contact with Foxy..." Gavin gave a huge sigh of relief. Marian looked up and snickered. "Linda, Tucker, the Lurker, Taylor, me, Danny... And now you're here, so she won't have to call you next!"

Gavin started, "Hey, I don't even make top 5?!"

Marian glared at Gavin. "Don't be so childish. We have more important matters at hand! Where's Burkie???"

Gavin looked sheepish. "You're right, you're right. I'll get on the case!"

The Lurker jumped in, "Hey, do you think we need time machines to find him? I never did get to travel in my hot tub time machine."

Gavin glared at her, "Like you helped all that much last time! And no! Of course we don't need time machines! At least I don't think we do..."

Marian intervened, "Okay guys, let's focus here! The last anyone heard from Burkie was about beef. Maybe the beef can lead us to him."

Gavin declared, "As the premier investigator in this pub, I am officially on the case. To the beef!"

(To be continued... Maybe.)

Everyday Shredded Beef Filling

this recipe is from Slow Cooker Revolution, america's test kitchen's definitive resource for crock-pot cooking.  it's basically a carne guisada, a spicy tex-mex stewed beef that is excellent as a filling for tacos, burritos, or enchiladas,.  it would also make a killer hash.  this was super easy, and super tasty.  you braise a chuck roast in an aromatic liquid of minced garlic & onions, tomato sauce, and an assorted of spices all day.  take the meat out, let it cool a bit, and then shred it, and mix in some of the braising liquid with it to keep it moist.  i made simple tacos with it on heated flour tortillas, adding only some fresh cilantro and some radishes that i shredded and tossed with a little lime juice.  i liked this a lot, not only for ease & convenience but also for flavor & versatility.  a winner in every respect!

Day of Wreckoning

(if you haven't read the previous chapter Tribal Council yet, go here now to read it first)

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung his fedora on the wall, and greeted his friend danny blake behind the bar.  "what's for supper tonight, danny boy?"

"meat & bacon pie," danny replied as he filled a glass with Guinness.  "in celebration of international pi day."

cardigan lifted his pint in a toast.  "that's my kind of holiday.  does Hallmark make cards for it yet?"

"i don't need a card to eat pie," danny snorted.

cardigan laughed and walked back to join the throng.  "burkie, what's the verdict?  who's getting knocked off?"

"i am!" carlotta 2.0's voice rang out from marian's laptop.  "but i'm not going alone, hahahahaha!"

as her maniacal laughed cackled endlessly, it was joined by similar voices coming out of every laptop, netbook, tablet, PDA, and cell phone in the Pub.  everybody started pushing buttons and cursing.

"dammit, it won't stop!"

"what the hell is going on?!"

"i think that harlotta carlotta infected all of our devices with a freakin' virus!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHASOLONGSUCKERS!!!

 ka-BOOM

Spaghetti alla Carbonara (My Way)

one of my favorite things to eat.  and since it's my way?  i'll tell you how i did it!  (wow, am i becoming a real food blogger?)  this is far from authentic.  if you are a person who only likes authentically prepared dishes, you might want to stop reading.  if you like healthy recipes, you might want to stop reading.

still here?  okay, first thing is put a big pot o' water on to boil.  then, chop up a pound of bacon.  yeah, a pound.  and slice a big yellow onion.  saute them together in some extra virgin olive oil.  after about five minutes, throw in some sliced mushroom.  about 10 minutes later, when the bacon looks cooked, throw in a couple of cloves of chopped garlic.  after a couple of minutes, pour in about a third cup of sherry (not traditional.  white wine works great and is more traditional, but i love sherry with 'shrooms).  now throw a box of spaghetti (well, not the box) into the boiling, salted water.  oh, and thaw some frozen peas in the microwave.  now, over in a very, very large bowl, beat together 3 large eggs, 2 large egg yolks, about 6 Tbsp of heavy cream, some grated pecorino romano & reggiano parmigiano (that's romano & parmesan cheeses)--about 1/3 cup total.  pour in the bacon, onion, and mushroom mixture (fat and all) and stir together.  now, spaghetti should be almost done.  take out about 1/4 c. of the boiling pasta water and gradually stir it into the bacon & egg mixture.  drain the pasta, then pour the pasta into the bacon & egg mixture, tossing well to get all the noodles coated, then cover the bowl with a lid, foil, or whatever you have and leave it for about 5 minutes.  the heat from the pasta will cook the eggs in an unctious, lovely sauce that sticks lovingly to the pasta.  now stir in the peas.  place a portion on a plate, thrown on some chopped parsley, kosher salt, and freshly ground black pepper.  enjoy.  and you will enjoy, trust me.  i want more.

Tribal Council

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and gazed in wonder at pegs on the wall, which held every manner of outer garmet imaginable.  he finally found an unoccupied peg for his trench & fedora, then walked over to greet his friend danny blake behind the bar.

"what's going on?" he asked, using his outside voice as the din in the Pub was louder than usual.

"burkie brought everybody in today for a major announcement of some kind," danny replied, filling a pint with Guinness.  "want some frito pie to go with that?"

gavin rolled his eyes.  "i won't even dignify that with a response.  but, if i were to respond, i would no doubt demand a double helping."

he took his pint and worked his way through the throng, greeting some characters he hadn't seen in a while before taking a seat between sierra charles & a blondish Mysterious Lurker.

"what's this big announcement about?"

the Lurker shrugged.  "burkie didn't write a draft of this post, so i haven't been able to lurk into it."

"i just hope it has nothing to do with my social life," sierra noted.  "i think he's gone to that well too often."

sierra's sister, foxy, came rushing in.  "i haven't missed it yet, have i?"  she asked, a little breathlessly, giving gavin a hug.

"nope," gavin told her, a little breathless himself.  "looks like he's getting ready, though."

he pointed toward their handsome creator, who walked onto the stage and took hold of tucker's mic.

"thanks for coming, everyone.  i call you here today because, well, the Pub has become a tad overpopulated.  i think i speak on behalf of all the readers when i say that i don't know half of you half as well i should like, and i like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." 

burkie paused here to allow for an appreciative chuckle from the audience at this bilbo bagginsism, but it wasn't forthcoming.

"hmph.  well, as i was saying, i have created too many characters here for me to develop adequately while still giving the more established characters their due.  so, bottom line, one of you has to go.  permanently."

this created an immediate buzz around the Pub. 

"well, this should be interesting," danny remarked as he dropped off gavin's double-portioned frito pie.

"i think you have immunity since you own the Pub," sierra noted as she stole a frito from gavin's bowl.

"so do you, gavin," linda nulo pointed out, a bit annoyingly, "since every chapter begins with you."

"the way we'll do this is that hep here will call your names one at a time and you'll have the opportunity to state why you should be allowed to remain."  burkie turned to his special assistant and nodded for her to begin.

s.a. hepzibah glared at him.  "don't call me hep!"  she looked at her notebook and called out gavin's name.

his mouth full of frito pie, gavin mumbled, "because chicks dig me."

hepzibah suppressed a giggle, then called out "danny blake."

"chicks dig me," danny replied.

hepzibah copied & pasted, then called out, "sierra charles!"

"chicks dig me."

"all right, now cut that out!" burkie fumed.  "this is serious business, people.  we're deciding somebody's fate here."

"i say, shouldn't those of us who don't have labels be granted some sort of immunity?" taylor young  suggested.  "we're so well established that people don't need to be reminded who we are."

"that's a good point," burkie had to admit.

"and tucker," Mysterious Lurker put in.  "even though he has a label, that's just to make it easier for people to find his brilliant songs.  he belongs here as much as anybody."

"aw, thanks Lurker," tucker blushed.  "i think linda should get immunity, too, since she's had her own snapshot chapter.  that should get you immunity, right?"

"as has foxy," gavin put in.  "plus, she's family.  and, if she goes, i go."

foxy beamed at gavin.  "thanks, gav.  then i'll put in a plug for juliet, as she's family, too."

juliet charles curtsied in acknowledgement.  "thanks, sis!"

"and," hepzibah pointed out, "juliet was part of the 55 chapters that nobody knows about.  i think that everybody who appeared in that should have immunity, since that's almost a third of our published chapters.  so, in addition to those to whom we've already granted immunity, that includes ben franklin, the judge, monte, shakespeare, burkie's friend ava, the black darter, and boom-boom."  her relief was evident as she read off boom-boom's name.

this created another buzz around the Pub.

"what 55 chapters?"

"monte?!"

"why don't i remember that?"

"i hope i didn't go on any blind dates."

"the darter?!  you've got to be kidding me!"

"that's probably where all my character development went."

"hmph."

"ruff!"

judge st. bishop banged his gavel on a table.  "order in the Pub!  order in the Pub!  who does that leave, hepzibah?"

"let's see," she ran her finger down the page.  "the witches (ruby, pearl, and esmerrrrelda); the ghost of christmas present; dash chandler; burkie's arch nemesis, archibald knememis; carlotta 2.0; and...oh."  she gave burkie a sheepish glance.  "burkie and myself."

burkie gave her an irritated look.  "i obviously have immunity, and i can't do this without you.  that leaves us with the witches, who come as a package; the ghost; my arch nemesis; carlotta 2.0; and the kindly dash chandler."

"why don't we let the readers decide?"  marian suggested.  "it's awkward for us characters to kill off one of our own."

"unless it's the darter," the Lurker noted.

"good idea, marian!"  burkie nodded, and turned to address monitors all around the world.  "readers, please let us know which of the following you want to kick out of the Pub."

1) the witches
2) the ghost of christmas present
3) archibald knemesis
4) dash chandler
5) carlotta 2.0

Frito Pie

i feel silly posting about frito pie, but there are some people up here in these parts who've never had the pleasure.  so, here you are!  simply toss some fritos in a bowl, ladle some chili on top, top with grated cheese and chopped onion.  that's it.  adding more toppings would actually subtract from the dish (it's a zen thing).  speaking of adding toppings, i will never understand why somebody decided that it's a good idea to add black olives to tex-mex dishes.  it's not. 
as for the chili, use whatever you like, but i think a simple chili that uses coarse-ground beef is ideal for this, rather than one that uses chunks of chuck beef or a white chili.  i really cheated with this one, using coarse-ground beef and carol shelby's chili mix, to which i added some smoked paprika and some new mexico chile powder, some extra onion powder, a can of pintos, and a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes that had been spun through the food processor.

Cream Cheese Pound Cake

this is my favorite cake, and one of the very best things i make.  it's a cream cheese pound cake.  i have the recipe on an index card.  i wrote it down 20 years ago, but i have no idea where i got it: book, magazine, newspaper, coworker...no clue.  but, i figure that the statue of limitations is up so...what the hell, i'll post the recipe!  my variation, anyway.  (it's short too, so that helps)

2 sticks of unsalted butter, softened
1 8-oz. block of Philadelphia cream cheese, softened (i tried a store brand once; it wasn't as good)
3 c. sugar
6 eggs (at room temperature)
3 c. minus 6 Tblsp. all-purpose flour (this is my variation)
2 tsp. vanilla

in your mixer, cream together the butter and cream cheese until fluffy, gradually add sugar.  beat in eggs one at a time.  add the flour a little at a time until incorporated, and finally add the vanilla.  pour into a greased/floured bundt pan.  place into a cold oven, close the door (very important), turn the oven on, and set it to 325°.  bake for 1 hour 15 minutes (check 5 minutes early) or until a cake tester/toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.  set on a rack and cool.  invert onto a serving plate.  the cake will crumble near the bottom all the way around.  that's just the way it is.  deal with it, and enjoy.  you will thank me for this recipe.

Carnitas

so, i never got around to figuring out a theme for my blog cookery this year.  so, 28 days into it, we'll just call it the year of whatever.

first up: carnitas.  this pork delicacy from mexico starts with chunks of pork shoulder braised in orange juice, lime juice, salt, garlic, cumin, and water.  after a couple of hours of gentle braising, you crank up the heat and let the liquid evaporate and the fat render, eventually browning the meat in its own fat.  kind of opposite of the usual technique of browning your meat first and then cooking it slowly.   the result is a succulent, flavorful, moist, and tender morsel that is best enjoyed with a tortilla, some fresh cilantro, and a little green salsa.  the easy, fabulous recipe comes from fellow blogger The Homesick Texan, who was inspired by a recipe from renowned mexican culinary expert diane kennedy.  it's a winner!

Snapshots: Pancho

his given name was Robert, and that was the name he went by in the real world.  He was Robert at school, Robert at work.  Robert was sewn onto his karate gi.  it was on his driver's license and his pilot's license.  Robert was the name on his bills, and the name on the pin-up girl checks he used to pay those bills.  from the day he was born, though, he was Pancho to the family.  our father started calling him that in tribute to his best friend, and we never called him anything else. 

Pancho was 6 years older than me and, in many ways, we were as different as two brothers could be.  he was tall and lanky; i...not so much.  he rode bulls; i attended college with a longhorn bull as the mascot.  he liked baseball; i liked football.  he could construct houses; i could construct sentences in latin. 

our personalities were completely different as well.  Pancho liked people, and people liked him.  he seemed to know every third cousin and great aunt twice-removed as well as he knew the immediate family; he was certainly as comfortable with them.  that was something i could never manage.  i tended to stick to certain individuals in the family, but Pancho didn't.  for Pancho, family was family, no matter how removed.  and if he was your friend, he was your friend for life.

yet, as different as we were, i'd like to think we had a few things in common.  one was work.  Pancho always had a job or two--heck, he even had a job during his, um, illness.  i've been constantly employed since i was 15 (save for one semester of college in Austin).  i'm sure he worked harder than i did, but the point is that we both valued work. 

Pancho and i also enjoyed shooting pool.  we never had a pool table, but we used to play at the bowling alley and, later, in bars.  he was always better than i was, but it never bothered me to lose to him.  he would teach me stuff as we played, and it was fun.  he later became apprenticed to a master cue stick maker, and i'm proud to own some sticks that Pancho worked on with him.

the one interest that we shared with equal zeal was reading.  we both devoured books, but i'll always be grateful that Pancho introduced me to Louis L'Amour and, most importantly, J.R.R Tolkien.  he convinced me to read The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings when i was in junior high and it was a revelation to me.  however, i didn't know a single other person in my family or, indeed, our entire town who had ever read the books or were remotely interested in reading them, so Pancho was the only person i could talk to about them.  it was our secret (obviously, not for long), and we never stopped talking about books or recommending them to each other. 

we lost Pancho earlier this month.  i'm sorry we didn't do more together as adults (we almost never lived in same state), but that's just the way it is.  in a way, though, it doesn't matter.  Pancho was a constant.  if you knew Pancho 40 years ago, he was exactly the same person 40 years later (though, thankfully, he wasn't still shooting at me with a BB gun 40 years later.  he probably wanted to, though).  our cousin Steve, who officiated at Pancho's funeral, said that Pancho was real, and that is certainly true.  i believe that it's his realness and his constancy that will help fill in the hole that his passing has left in our lives.