The dark ruins of a tavern. In the middle, a crockpot boiling. Thunder.
Enter the three Witches.
Pearl: ruby, a crockpot?!
Ruby: pearl, don't start with me, you ol' bitty! cauldrons are heavy, and fires are a nuiscance. we're lucky that danny's crockpot survived the explosion.
Pearl: watch who you call an old bitty, you old bitty!
Esmerelda: stop bickering you two! we have to get this rrright in order to save the Pub.
Ruby: Thrice the shaggy dog hath barked.
Pearl: Thrice and once, the hedge-pig marked.
Emerelda: Harrrpier harks:—'tis time! 'tis time!
Ruby: Round about the crockpot go;
In
the poison'd entrails throw.—
Toad, that under cold stone,
Days
and nights has thirty-one;
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil
thou first i' the charmed pot!
ALL: Double,
double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.
Pearl: Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron
boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and
tongue of dog--
Ruby: uh, Pearl? the Pub was named after a dog. let's be a little more sensitive, shall we?
Pearl: hmph. just a minute...
[Pearl exits and returns shortly with a tattered bag. she sets it down, rummages around inside, and brings forth a slender jar. "just the thing!" she proclaims as she unscrews the lid and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]
Pearl: Wool of bat, and tongue of hog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's
leg, and owlet's wing,—
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a
hell-broth boil and bubble.
ALL. Double, double
toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.
Esmerelda: Scale of drrragon; tooth of wolf;
Witches' mummy;
maw and gulf
Of the rrravin'd salt-sea shark;
Rrroot of hemlock
digg'd i the dark;
Liver of blaspheming Jew--
Ruby: uh, Esmerelda? we don't denigrate Jews here. please find something more Politically Correct.
[Esmerelda rolls her eyes, then reaches into Pearl's bag to search through various jars, vials, bags, boxes, and Ziploc bags. finally brings forth one of those old 35mm film canisters, opens it, and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]
Esmerelda: Liver of the myopic mr. magoo,
Gall of goat, and
slips of yew
Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;
Nose of Turk, and
Tartar's lips--
Ruby: ahem...
[Esmerelda swears and searches in the bag again, pulloing out two boxes and dumping the innards into the crockpot]
Emerelda: Nose of Jerk, wax candy lips;
Finger of birth-strangled babe--
Ruby: Esmerelda!!!
Esmerelda: dammit, Ruby, i didn't wrrrite this stuff! talk to shakespeare!
[searches the bag again, finally noting with a hmph "there's nothing in here that rhymes with babe."]
[Pearl points out that the next actually ends with the word "drab" and asks if there is something that rhymes with that.]
[Esmerelda nods and pulls out a huge crustacean.]
Emerelda: Claw of local Dungeness crrrab
Ditch-deliver'd by
a drrrab,—
Make the grrruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's
chaudrrron,
For the ingrediants of our crrrockpt.
ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and
crockpot bubble.
Pearl: Cool it with a
baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and--
Ruby: wait, Pearl!
Pearl: what's wrong?
Ruby: burkie wanted to get rid of one of the characters, remember? when we restore the Pub, we should make sure one of them doesn't return.
Esmerelda: i vote we get rrrid of that darrrter!
Ruby: but the black darter wasn't on the list. it's either us, the ghost of christmas present, archibald knemesis, dash chandler, or carlotta 2.0.
Esmerelda: that carrrlotta caused all this! let's get rrrid of her!
Ruby: that was probably a glitch in her programming. we can't blame her for that.
Pearl: well, i am not going to bring things back only to kill myself off.
Ruby: how about the ghost? christmas is over, so he's technically in the past now anyway. besides, we provide enough of a supernatural element to the Pub without him.
Pearl: agreed.
Esmerelda: agrrreed.
[Ruby draws a quick sketch of the ghost of christmas present, adding a big X across his face, and tosses it into the crockpot, then nods to Pearl to finish.]
Pearl: Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good!
[Darkness engulfs the Pub for a long time. several months, in fact. finally, light begins to grow and voices and activityin progress soon become apparent.]
"that's what she said," benjamin franklin replied with a grin.
the entire Pub roared with laughter, raising their glasses in a toast.
"here's to 2013!" burkie declared.
"cheers!"
"to 2013!"
as the Pub regulars clinked glasses and exchanged hugs and what-not, the witches sank back in their chairs, admiring their work.
"hey!" the black darter was looking around in agitation. "where did my nose go?!"
Esmerelda smiled as she raised her beer glass to her lips.
Showing posts with label witches. Show all posts
Showing posts with label witches. Show all posts
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Remember when? Me, neither.
gavin cardigan hung his fedora on a peg as he walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and greeted his friend behind the bar with, "what's on the menu tonight, danny boy? i'm a mighty hungry man."
"bangers & mash," danny blake replied as he poured a Bass.
"i like the way you think," cardigan grinned. "i'll take extra banger."
"you got it, hoss," danny handed him his pint. "now you'd better get back there. they might need your expertise."
cardigan frowned but walked back to join his friends at their regular table. when he got there, he a stranger sitting among the regular crew. he was a small, neat elderly man wearing a salvation army suit and bow tie, and he had the others enraptured.
"...told him, 'if i knew that, i wouldn't be checking myself into a loony bin!"
the others laughed and then sierra charles looked up. "cardigan, meet our new friend."
the old man stood up and extended his hand. "dash chandler at your service, young man."
"gavin cardigan at yours, sir."
as they took their seats, marian elfman explained their new friend's situation. "mr. chandler is an amnesiac, gavin. he woke up in san francisco several years ago and couldn't remember who he was, how he got here, or any details about his life."
"really?" cardigan was professionally interested. "i thought that kind of thing only happened in fiction. oh, that's right, we are--"
"gavin! don't confuse matters!" Mysterious Lurker scolded him, her red hair turner two shades darker in the process.
danny delivered cardigan's bangers & mash to the table. "i'm with The Lurker on that one."
"just that one?"
danny winked, The Lurker blushed, marian grinned, and cardigan high-fived sierra. taylor looked around and said, "what?"
dash looked at the Pub's resident vampire and said, "i'm insane and new here, but even i picked up on that."
"you're not insane, mr. chandler," sierra reached over and squeezed his hand. "you're just charmingly forgetful."
"so you woke up one morning and didn't remember anything?" cardigan promoted the old man.
"that's not entirely accurate," chandler told him. "i remembered all the books i had ever read and every movie i had ever seen. what i couldn't remember was anything about me or my life. i didn't know my name, where i lived, where i had ever been, if i ever had a family, if i ever had a job."
"that must have been frightening. what did you do?"
chandler shrugged. "i went to the police. i knew to do that much. they checked missing persons reports, they took my fingerprints, and they checked me into a hospital. i didn't want to be a 'john doe' so i invented the name 'dash chandler.'"
"taken from dashiell hammett and raymond chandler, right?"
chandler smiled. "they told me you were a private investigator. yes, hammett and chandler were my two favorite authors, and bogart was my favorite actor. the hospital kept me for several days and ran all kinds of tests, but couldn't find any neurological damage. so, they checked me into a state mental hospital to look for a psychological reason for my amnesia."
"how long were you there?" cardigan asked.
"three years. it was very interesting, and the staff seemed quite professional. unfortunately, none of their techniques were able to uncover anything. to this day, i know nothing more than i did they day i went to the police, other than i have never been arrested or served in the armed forces. and i was either utterly alone or completely loathsome as nobody ever reported me missing," he noted sadly.
"i'm sure that's not true," marian told him. "you've been a perfect gentleman with us."
"thank you, my dear," chandler gave her a warm smile. "whatever the reason, the police had no leads on my identity. and the hospital had no leads on my amnesia, but determined that i was not a risk to myself or to others, and released me."
"so what have you been doing? where have you been staying?" marian sounded concerned.
"the fog city mission," he replied. "just a couple of blocks from here. the beds are comfortable, the showers are hot, and the soup is filling. the basic amenities are satisfactory. i spend a lot of time in the library, reading. and sometimes i go down to the wharf and perform for pocket change."
"what kind of performances?" The Lurker wanted to know.
"i re-enact movie scenes. although i don't know how to be myself, i'm pretty good at being other people."
"will you do one for us?"
he affected a menacing yet digusted look. "you know, i have one simple request. and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. ah, would you remind me what i pay you people for, honestly? throw me a bone here!"
the group applauded. "that was an amazing mr. evil!" sierra complimented him.
"it's dr. evil. i didn't spend 6 years in evil medical school to be called mister, thank you very much."
it was not mr. chandler alone who said this, but every male at the table, who then followed it up with knuckle bumps and shouts of yeah, baby, which was followed by every female at the table rolling her eyes and muttering boys.
cardigan drummed his finertips on the table. "you know, i had an idea some time back to get an apprentice, but i never followed up on it. would you be interested in some part-time work? i could always use a gifted actor to get information for me."
"that's a great idea, cardigan!" sierra punched him the shoulder, and marian nodded in agreement while muttering that she should have thought of it.
the old man's eyes lit up. "to play private investigator in sam spade's own city...i don't know what to say. of course i'll do it. i'd be honored, sir!"
"good! i'll get you a cell phone and camera equipment. Lurker, can you hook him up with a fedora? you can't be a private detective in san francisco without a fedora."
"what do i look like, a millener?! oh, wait, that's right," The Lurker's indignation changed quickly over to cooperation as she remembered burkie's unpublished chapter. "no problem."
"by the way," chandler leaned forward and lowered his voice. "those ladies in the corner over there. any of them available?"
cardigan glanced over at the witches, who quickly turned their collective attention back to their own table, cackling softly.
"available? maybe. advisable? no."
"bangers & mash," danny blake replied as he poured a Bass.
"i like the way you think," cardigan grinned. "i'll take extra banger."
"you got it, hoss," danny handed him his pint. "now you'd better get back there. they might need your expertise."
cardigan frowned but walked back to join his friends at their regular table. when he got there, he a stranger sitting among the regular crew. he was a small, neat elderly man wearing a salvation army suit and bow tie, and he had the others enraptured.
"...told him, 'if i knew that, i wouldn't be checking myself into a loony bin!"
the others laughed and then sierra charles looked up. "cardigan, meet our new friend."
the old man stood up and extended his hand. "dash chandler at your service, young man."
"gavin cardigan at yours, sir."
as they took their seats, marian elfman explained their new friend's situation. "mr. chandler is an amnesiac, gavin. he woke up in san francisco several years ago and couldn't remember who he was, how he got here, or any details about his life."
"really?" cardigan was professionally interested. "i thought that kind of thing only happened in fiction. oh, that's right, we are--"
"gavin! don't confuse matters!" Mysterious Lurker scolded him, her red hair turner two shades darker in the process.
danny delivered cardigan's bangers & mash to the table. "i'm with The Lurker on that one."
"just that one?"
danny winked, The Lurker blushed, marian grinned, and cardigan high-fived sierra. taylor looked around and said, "what?"
dash looked at the Pub's resident vampire and said, "i'm insane and new here, but even i picked up on that."
"you're not insane, mr. chandler," sierra reached over and squeezed his hand. "you're just charmingly forgetful."
"so you woke up one morning and didn't remember anything?" cardigan promoted the old man.
"that's not entirely accurate," chandler told him. "i remembered all the books i had ever read and every movie i had ever seen. what i couldn't remember was anything about me or my life. i didn't know my name, where i lived, where i had ever been, if i ever had a family, if i ever had a job."
"that must have been frightening. what did you do?"
chandler shrugged. "i went to the police. i knew to do that much. they checked missing persons reports, they took my fingerprints, and they checked me into a hospital. i didn't want to be a 'john doe' so i invented the name 'dash chandler.'"
"taken from dashiell hammett and raymond chandler, right?"
chandler smiled. "they told me you were a private investigator. yes, hammett and chandler were my two favorite authors, and bogart was my favorite actor. the hospital kept me for several days and ran all kinds of tests, but couldn't find any neurological damage. so, they checked me into a state mental hospital to look for a psychological reason for my amnesia."
"how long were you there?" cardigan asked.
"three years. it was very interesting, and the staff seemed quite professional. unfortunately, none of their techniques were able to uncover anything. to this day, i know nothing more than i did they day i went to the police, other than i have never been arrested or served in the armed forces. and i was either utterly alone or completely loathsome as nobody ever reported me missing," he noted sadly.
"i'm sure that's not true," marian told him. "you've been a perfect gentleman with us."
"thank you, my dear," chandler gave her a warm smile. "whatever the reason, the police had no leads on my identity. and the hospital had no leads on my amnesia, but determined that i was not a risk to myself or to others, and released me."
"so what have you been doing? where have you been staying?" marian sounded concerned.
"the fog city mission," he replied. "just a couple of blocks from here. the beds are comfortable, the showers are hot, and the soup is filling. the basic amenities are satisfactory. i spend a lot of time in the library, reading. and sometimes i go down to the wharf and perform for pocket change."
"what kind of performances?" The Lurker wanted to know.
"i re-enact movie scenes. although i don't know how to be myself, i'm pretty good at being other people."
"will you do one for us?"
he affected a menacing yet digusted look. "you know, i have one simple request. and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. ah, would you remind me what i pay you people for, honestly? throw me a bone here!"
the group applauded. "that was an amazing mr. evil!" sierra complimented him.
"it's dr. evil. i didn't spend 6 years in evil medical school to be called mister, thank you very much."
it was not mr. chandler alone who said this, but every male at the table, who then followed it up with knuckle bumps and shouts of yeah, baby, which was followed by every female at the table rolling her eyes and muttering boys.
cardigan drummed his finertips on the table. "you know, i had an idea some time back to get an apprentice, but i never followed up on it. would you be interested in some part-time work? i could always use a gifted actor to get information for me."
"that's a great idea, cardigan!" sierra punched him the shoulder, and marian nodded in agreement while muttering that she should have thought of it.
the old man's eyes lit up. "to play private investigator in sam spade's own city...i don't know what to say. of course i'll do it. i'd be honored, sir!"
"good! i'll get you a cell phone and camera equipment. Lurker, can you hook him up with a fedora? you can't be a private detective in san francisco without a fedora."
"what do i look like, a millener?! oh, wait, that's right," The Lurker's indignation changed quickly over to cooperation as she remembered burkie's unpublished chapter. "no problem."
"by the way," chandler leaned forward and lowered his voice. "those ladies in the corner over there. any of them available?"
cardigan glanced over at the witches, who quickly turned their collective attention back to their own table, cackling softly.
"available? maybe. advisable? no."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Great Exhumations
"i smell a life-changing meal in my future, danny boy!" gavin cardigan said as he entered Poor Yorick's Pub.
"i don't know anybody who needs it more," danny grinned as he poured an ale. "chipotle chicken tacos will appear on your table shortly."
cardigan grunted his thanks and walked back to join his friends. "what's going on?"
"we're wondering about the ghost," sierra charles told him. "you know, what's his story."
"what ghost?"
"that ghost," marian elfman pointed over his shoulder. "sitting at the end of the bar over there."
cardigan turned around and saw the wispy image of a tall, well-built man with a lion's mane of hair and a full beard to go along with a full tankard of ale.
"did you ask the witches?" he indicated the three crones at the other table.
"not our ghost," pearl, the white-haired harridan, stated.
"we're not that kind of witches," ruby added.
"what kind of witches are you, then?" danny asked as he delivered cardigan's tacos.
"the sexy kind," esmerelda winked at him.
the ghost suddenly guffawed. "ho, ho, ho! ho, ho, ho!"
cardigan and the others exchanged glances. after determining that they didn't fit anybody else, they returned the glances to their original owners.
"you can talk?" cardigan asked the ghost in surprise.
"of course i can talk!" the ghost boomed out. "come, come and know me better, man!"
taylor's eyebrows arched and he raised his hand, attempting to snap his fingers. "damn!"
"what is it, taylor?" marian eyed him quizzically.
his fingers elicited a few more phwff sounds until finally they made a legitimate snap sound. "got it!" he exclaimed triumphantly, knocking a beer glass over.
marian made a face. "got what, taylor?"
"i know that line," he said to the spectre. "you're the ghost of christmas present!"
"ho, ho, ho, right you are, young man! right you are!"
"but, it's october," the orange-tressed Mysterious Lurker pointed out. "it's not time for you, yet. we should have a scary ghost for halloween, like lizzy borden or the olsen twins."
"we spirits of christmas do not live for only one day of the year! nay, we live the entire 365¼!"
cardigan groaned. "a vampire, a dead founding father, witches, and now a ghost who speaks in fractions. i think burkie is getting a little carried away."
"i think he's cute," linda nulo commented. "you know, for a ghost."
"he's definitely got some definition," sierra agreed.
"ho, ho, ho!" the ghost ho'd. "i owe it all to Bowflex®!"
"ghosts work out?"
"we spirits of christmas don't work out only during life but throughout eternity!"
cardigan rolled his eyes as he chased down a bite of his taco with a swig of his ale. "tucker, why don't you sing us a song and restore a little normalcy here?"
tucker strummed a guitar chord and grinned. "you got it, hoss!"
my baby casts a fetching figure
she's got a face i can't remember
she don't cook but she's a winner
she's got a little spirit in 'er
she's the ghostess with the mostest
she's the best from coast to coastest
so raise your glass and make a toastest
to my ghostess with the mostest
"ho, ho, ho!"
"woo-hoo!"
cardigan signaled danny for another ale. "when will i learn..."
"i don't know anybody who needs it more," danny grinned as he poured an ale. "chipotle chicken tacos will appear on your table shortly."
cardigan grunted his thanks and walked back to join his friends. "what's going on?"
"we're wondering about the ghost," sierra charles told him. "you know, what's his story."
"what ghost?"
"that ghost," marian elfman pointed over his shoulder. "sitting at the end of the bar over there."
cardigan turned around and saw the wispy image of a tall, well-built man with a lion's mane of hair and a full beard to go along with a full tankard of ale.
"did you ask the witches?" he indicated the three crones at the other table.
"not our ghost," pearl, the white-haired harridan, stated.
"we're not that kind of witches," ruby added.
"what kind of witches are you, then?" danny asked as he delivered cardigan's tacos.
"the sexy kind," esmerelda winked at him.
the ghost suddenly guffawed. "ho, ho, ho! ho, ho, ho!"
cardigan and the others exchanged glances. after determining that they didn't fit anybody else, they returned the glances to their original owners.
"you can talk?" cardigan asked the ghost in surprise.
"of course i can talk!" the ghost boomed out. "come, come and know me better, man!"
taylor's eyebrows arched and he raised his hand, attempting to snap his fingers. "damn!"
"what is it, taylor?" marian eyed him quizzically.
his fingers elicited a few more phwff sounds until finally they made a legitimate snap sound. "got it!" he exclaimed triumphantly, knocking a beer glass over.
marian made a face. "got what, taylor?"
"i know that line," he said to the spectre. "you're the ghost of christmas present!"
"ho, ho, ho, right you are, young man! right you are!"
"but, it's october," the orange-tressed Mysterious Lurker pointed out. "it's not time for you, yet. we should have a scary ghost for halloween, like lizzy borden or the olsen twins."
"we spirits of christmas do not live for only one day of the year! nay, we live the entire 365¼!"
cardigan groaned. "a vampire, a dead founding father, witches, and now a ghost who speaks in fractions. i think burkie is getting a little carried away."
"i think he's cute," linda nulo commented. "you know, for a ghost."
"he's definitely got some definition," sierra agreed.
"ho, ho, ho!" the ghost ho'd. "i owe it all to Bowflex®!"
"ghosts work out?"
"we spirits of christmas don't work out only during life but throughout eternity!"
cardigan rolled his eyes as he chased down a bite of his taco with a swig of his ale. "tucker, why don't you sing us a song and restore a little normalcy here?"
tucker strummed a guitar chord and grinned. "you got it, hoss!"
my baby casts a fetching figure
she's got a face i can't remember
she don't cook but she's a winner
she's got a little spirit in 'er
she's the ghostess with the mostest
she's the best from coast to coastest
so raise your glass and make a toastest
to my ghostess with the mostest
"ho, ho, ho!"
"woo-hoo!"
cardigan signaled danny for another ale. "when will i learn..."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Chomp and Circumstance
gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, stood by the bar, and inhaled deeply. "i smell garlic, my friend, and i approve."
danny blake gave him a smile and poured him an ale. "lebanese-style stuffed eggplant and burkie's focaccia. you will not be disappointed."
"better bring me extra, then. thanks!"
cardigan took a sip from his pint and walked over to join his friends, pausing next to a table where three elderly women sat. "good evening, ladies."
"hello, gavin," ruby smiled at him, waving a TEAM FOXY pennant at him.
"you need hair cut," pearl told him, clutching a TEAM SIERRA pennant in her hand.
"nice shirt," esmerelda smirked.
"thank--," gavin realized he was wearing a pink shirt, glared at esmerelda, then glared at the pennants and hissed, "put those things away!"
"hey, cardigan," sierra charles greeted him.
"what's up, charles?" he took the seat next to her.
"i'm going to host the miss california pageant," sierra told him.
"co-host," taylor put in.
"co-host, huh? who's the other co-host?"
"cole king."
"cole king? i've never heard of him."
"he was on American Idol," Mysterious Lurker informed him. "he didn't win, but he was very charismatic and popular."
"and handsome," sierra added. "isn't he marian?"
"huh? oh, yeah. he's all right, i guess," mairan elfman shrugged.
"it's okay, duckie. i won't get jealous if you think another man is handsome," taylor patted her head.
that earned taylor a look for which burkie has no words.
"that's an odd name," danny commented as he delivered cardigan's meal. "cole king. it sounds like caulking."
"i think i remember reading somewhere that he changed his name or something," the Lurker noted as her hair changed from black to red.
"he changed his name to that?" cardigan said after swallowing a forkfull of eggplant and giving danny a thumb's up. "it must've been pretty bad before. marian, why don't you look it up on your laptop?"
"oh, um, i think my battery is getting low," she mumbled. "i don't want to waste it on something as silly as that. look, it's the judge!"
they turned to see judge st. bishop stride into the Pub at his usual brisk pace.
"good evening, your honor," taylor greeted him. "how's the courtroom drama these days?"
"it gets more complicated every day," the judge sighed. "no, actually, that's not true. the law never changes. people just complicate their lives more and more everyday. unnecessarily."
danny blake gave him a smile and poured him an ale. "lebanese-style stuffed eggplant and burkie's focaccia. you will not be disappointed."
"better bring me extra, then. thanks!"
cardigan took a sip from his pint and walked over to join his friends, pausing next to a table where three elderly women sat. "good evening, ladies."
"hello, gavin," ruby smiled at him, waving a TEAM FOXY pennant at him.
"you need hair cut," pearl told him, clutching a TEAM SIERRA pennant in her hand.
"nice shirt," esmerelda smirked.
"thank--," gavin realized he was wearing a pink shirt, glared at esmerelda, then glared at the pennants and hissed, "put those things away!"
"hey, cardigan," sierra charles greeted him.
"what's up, charles?" he took the seat next to her.
"i'm going to host the miss california pageant," sierra told him.
"co-host," taylor put in.
"co-host, huh? who's the other co-host?"
"cole king."
"cole king? i've never heard of him."
"he was on American Idol," Mysterious Lurker informed him. "he didn't win, but he was very charismatic and popular."
"and handsome," sierra added. "isn't he marian?"
"huh? oh, yeah. he's all right, i guess," mairan elfman shrugged.
"it's okay, duckie. i won't get jealous if you think another man is handsome," taylor patted her head.
that earned taylor a look for which burkie has no words.
"that's an odd name," danny commented as he delivered cardigan's meal. "cole king. it sounds like caulking."
"i think i remember reading somewhere that he changed his name or something," the Lurker noted as her hair changed from black to red.
"he changed his name to that?" cardigan said after swallowing a forkfull of eggplant and giving danny a thumb's up. "it must've been pretty bad before. marian, why don't you look it up on your laptop?"
"oh, um, i think my battery is getting low," she mumbled. "i don't want to waste it on something as silly as that. look, it's the judge!"
they turned to see judge st. bishop stride into the Pub at his usual brisk pace.
"good evening, your honor," taylor greeted him. "how's the courtroom drama these days?"
"it gets more complicated every day," the judge sighed. "no, actually, that's not true. the law never changes. people just complicate their lives more and more everyday. unnecessarily."
he reached over and stole some of cardigan's focaccia. "this smells terrific, danny. can you bring some more? thanks!"
cardigan glared at the judge and moved his plate to the other side.
"your honor, did you hear? sierra is going to co-host the miss california pageant with cole king." the Lurker informed him.
"cole king? the guy from Idol who changed his name from King Cole?"
cardigan and sierra looked at each other, then over at marian, who was red-faced and staring a little too intently at her fingernails, and started laughing.
"old king cole was a merry old soul!"
"and a merry old soul was he!"
"marian, did you really used to date him before he changed his name?" the Lurker asked her, aware that marian had a baker's dozen of ex-boyfriends with nursery rhyme names.
"he was very merry," marian muttered. "but he partied too much for my liking."
"i'm going to enjoy this job more than i thought," sierra grinned.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Something Liquid This Way Comes
gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and hung up his jacket. "it's a fine, blustery san francisco july out there, danny boy!"
danny blake nodded from behind the bar. "aye, it is. and a great day for a Guinness and a plateful of summer squash enchiladas."
cardigan took the pint gratefully, but raised a dubious eyebrow. "summer squash enchiladas?"
"trust me. have i ever let you down? has the word enchiladas ever let you down?"
"good points."
cardigan turned to join his friends at their regular table and stopped abruptly. "where is everybody?"
danny shrugged. "they're not here yet. you're the first one tonight."
"i'm never first. everyone else is supposed to be here, and then they draw me into their ridiculous conversations." he fumed. "what do i do now?"
"gavin! come. sit!"
he turned toward the other corner of the Pub to see a white-haired elderly asian woman waving him over to where she sat, flanked by two other women of a similar age. he shrugged and approached the table. "good evening, ladies."
the dark-haired hispanic woman wearing a bright green scarf around her hair kicked a vacant chair toward him. "buenas noches, gavin. i'm esmerrrelda."
the third woman, her hair dyed an atrocious shade of red, held out her hand and smiled. "i'm ruby," she said, then nodded toward the white-haired woman, "and that's pearl."
"i'm gavin, but you seem to know that already."
pearl laughed. "we here every night, just like you!"
"really?"
esmerelda rolled her eyes. "you always go strrraight for your friends and never look at us."
"not that we mind," ruby added. "we enjoying listening to you and watching you."
"i think you and sierra make couple," pearl stated with conviction.
"i think you're sweet on foxy," ruby squeezed his other hand and winked.
esmerelda drained her beer. "i think you are a gay."
"what?!"
esmerelda shrugged. "we are okay with it. this is san frrrancisco."
"well, i'm okay with it, too, but i'm not gay," cardigan insisted.
"so you say. danny, another rrround!" esmerelda pointed at the empty glasses as danny delivered gavin's enchiladas.
"when are you going to start serving scotch like a real bartender, danny?" ruby demanded.
danny blake nodded from behind the bar. "aye, it is. and a great day for a Guinness and a plateful of summer squash enchiladas."
cardigan took the pint gratefully, but raised a dubious eyebrow. "summer squash enchiladas?"
"trust me. have i ever let you down? has the word enchiladas ever let you down?"
"good points."
cardigan turned to join his friends at their regular table and stopped abruptly. "where is everybody?"
danny shrugged. "they're not here yet. you're the first one tonight."
"i'm never first. everyone else is supposed to be here, and then they draw me into their ridiculous conversations." he fumed. "what do i do now?"
"gavin! come. sit!"
he turned toward the other corner of the Pub to see a white-haired elderly asian woman waving him over to where she sat, flanked by two other women of a similar age. he shrugged and approached the table. "good evening, ladies."
the dark-haired hispanic woman wearing a bright green scarf around her hair kicked a vacant chair toward him. "buenas noches, gavin. i'm esmerrrelda."
the third woman, her hair dyed an atrocious shade of red, held out her hand and smiled. "i'm ruby," she said, then nodded toward the white-haired woman, "and that's pearl."
"i'm gavin, but you seem to know that already."
pearl laughed. "we here every night, just like you!"
"really?"
esmerelda rolled her eyes. "you always go strrraight for your friends and never look at us."
"not that we mind," ruby added. "we enjoying listening to you and watching you."
"i think you and sierra make couple," pearl stated with conviction.
"i think you're sweet on foxy," ruby squeezed his other hand and winked.
esmerelda drained her beer. "i think you are a gay."
"what?!"
esmerelda shrugged. "we are okay with it. this is san frrrancisco."
"well, i'm okay with it, too, but i'm not gay," cardigan insisted.
"so you say. danny, another rrround!" esmerelda pointed at the empty glasses as danny delivered gavin's enchiladas.
"when are you going to start serving scotch like a real bartender, danny?" ruby demanded.
"when are you going to stop asking me that, ruby?"
cardigan tucked into the enchiladas. "good lord! i never knew squash could taste this good."
just then, he heard voices and footsteps at the front and he turned to see sierra charles, marian elfman, taylor young, tucker, linda nulo, Mysterious Lurker, burkie's friend ava, and sgt. tarboom "boom-boom" shakalaka walk exchange pleasantries with danny and then walk back to their regular table.
ruby waved him before he could speak up. "go, go on with your friends. we're interested in hearing what they've been up to, too."
"tell danny blake hurry with beer," pearl told cardigan as he stood up with his enchiladas.
"gavin!" marian greeted him as he took his seat. "you'll never guess where we've been!"
"to see shakespeare in the park?"
"why would we do that?" boom-boom asked, pointing at the english language's greatest dramatist talking to danny behind the bar. "he's right over there."
"we've been practicing roller derby," linda told him, wincing as she took her seat.
"roller derby? why?"
"we formed a team!" marian said. "it was the Lurker's idea."
"i was inspired by the movie Whip It!, starring ellen page," the Lurker explained. "have you seen it?"
cardigan drained his beer, signaled danny for another, and shook his head. "no, but i've seen roller derby. it's rough, but fun. the girls all have crazy names, right?"
"i'm Mel O'Drama!" marian proclaimed proudly.
"i'm L.N. Rage," linda nulo said.
"i'm Bitch Cassidy," the Lurker grinned, then tilted her head toward her apprentice, burkie's friend ava. "and ava is The Lapdance Kid."
"i'm boom-boom shakalaka," boom-boom noted.
"right, why mess with a good thing?" cardigan approved. "how about you, charles?"
sierra shook her head. "i'm not a skater. i own the team. The Sierra Cadres!"
cardigan rolled his eyes.
"and i'm training to be a roller derby announcer," taylor, um, announced. "i'm The Count."
"i guess i'm the only one here without a nickname," cardigan murmured.
"you can have a name, gavin," the Lurker told him. "we still need a coach."
"um, no thanks."
"why not?"
"i'm not coach material. how about dat? he already has a nickname."
"hmph. you're no fun."
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