Remember when? Me, neither.

gavin cardigan hung his fedora on a peg as he walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and greeted his friend behind the bar with, "what's on the menu tonight, danny boy?  i'm a mighty hungry man."

"bangers & mash," danny blake replied as he poured a Bass. 

"i like the way you think," cardigan grinned.  "i'll take extra banger."

"you got it, hoss," danny handed him his pint.  "now you'd better get back there.  they might need your expertise."

cardigan frowned but walked back to join his friends at their regular table.  when he got there, he a stranger sitting among the regular crew.  he was a small, neat elderly man wearing a salvation army suit and bow tie, and he had the others enraptured.

"...told him, 'if i knew that, i wouldn't be checking myself into a loony bin!"

the others laughed and then sierra charles looked up.  "cardigan, meet our new friend."

the old man stood up and extended his hand.  "dash chandler at your service, young man."

"gavin cardigan at yours, sir."

as they took their seats, marian elfman explained their new friend's situation.  "mr. chandler is an amnesiac, gavin.  he woke up in san francisco several years ago and couldn't remember who he was, how he got here, or any details about his life."

"really?" cardigan was professionally interested.  "i thought that kind of thing only happened in fiction.  oh, that's right, we are--"

"gavin! don't confuse matters!" Mysterious Lurker scolded him, her red hair turner two shades darker in the process.

danny delivered cardigan's bangers & mash to the table.  "i'm with The Lurker on that one."

"just that one?"

danny winked, The Lurker blushed, marian grinned, and cardigan high-fived sierra.  taylor looked around and said, "what?"

dash looked at the Pub's resident vampire and said, "i'm insane and new here, but even i picked up on that."

"you're not insane, mr. chandler," sierra reached over and squeezed his hand.  "you're just charmingly forgetful."

"so you woke up one morning and didn't remember anything?"  cardigan promoted the old man.

"that's not entirely accurate," chandler told him.  "i remembered all the books i had ever read and every movie i had ever seen.  what i couldn't remember was anything about me or my life.  i didn't know my name, where i lived, where i had ever been, if i ever had a family, if i ever had a job."

"that must have been frightening.  what did you do?"

chandler shrugged.  "i went to the police.  i knew to do that much.  they checked missing persons reports, they took my fingerprints, and they checked me into a hospital.  i didn't want to be a 'john doe' so i invented the name 'dash chandler.'"

"taken from dashiell hammett and raymond chandler, right?"

chandler smiled.  "they told me you were a private investigator.  yes, hammett and chandler were my two favorite authors, and bogart was my favorite actor.  the hospital kept me for several days and ran all kinds of tests, but couldn't find any neurological damage.  so, they checked me into a state mental hospital to look for a psychological reason for my amnesia."

"how long were you there?"  cardigan asked.

"three years.  it was very interesting, and the staff seemed quite professional.  unfortunately, none of their techniques were able to uncover anything.  to this day, i know nothing more than i did they day i went to the police, other than i have never been arrested or served in the armed forces.  and i was either utterly alone or completely loathsome as nobody ever reported me missing," he noted sadly.

"i'm sure that's not true," marian told him.  "you've been a perfect gentleman with us."

"thank you, my dear," chandler gave her a warm smile.  "whatever the reason, the police had no leads on my identity.  and the hospital had no leads on my amnesia, but determined that i was not a risk to myself or to others, and released me."

"so what have you been doing?  where have you been staying?"  marian sounded concerned.

"the fog city mission," he replied.  "just a couple of blocks from here.  the beds are comfortable, the showers are hot, and the soup is filling.  the basic amenities are satisfactory.  i spend a lot of time in the library, reading.  and sometimes i go down to the wharf and perform for pocket change."

"what kind of performances?"  The Lurker wanted to know.

"i re-enact movie scenes.  although i don't know how to be myself, i'm pretty good at being other people."

"will you do one for us?"

he affected a menacing yet digusted look.  "you know, i have one simple request. and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. ah, would you remind me what i pay you people for, honestly? throw me a bone here!"

the group applauded.  "that was an amazing mr. evil!" sierra complimented him.

"it's dr. evil.  i didn't spend 6 years in evil medical school to be called mister, thank you very much." 

it was not mr. chandler alone who said this, but every male at the table, who then followed it up with knuckle bumps and shouts of yeah, baby, which was followed by every female at the table rolling her eyes and muttering boys.

cardigan drummed his finertips on the table.  "you know, i had an idea some time back to get an apprentice, but i never followed up on it.  would you be interested in some part-time work?  i could always use a gifted actor to get information for me."

"that's a great idea, cardigan!" sierra punched him the shoulder, and marian nodded in agreement while muttering that she should have thought of it.

the old man's eyes lit up.  "to play private investigator in sam spade's own city...i don't know what to say.  of course i'll do it.  i'd be honored, sir!"

"good!  i'll get you a cell phone and camera equipment.  Lurker, can you hook him up with a fedora?  you can't be a private detective in san francisco without a fedora."

"what do i look like, a millener?!  oh, wait, that's right," The Lurker's indignation changed quickly over to cooperation as she remembered burkie's unpublished chapter.  "no problem."

"by the way," chandler leaned forward and lowered his voice.  "those ladies in the corner over there.  any of them available?"

cardigan glanced over at the witches, who quickly turned their collective attention back to their own table, cackling softly.

"available?  maybe.  advisable?  no."