the search for the great burkie

Gavin Cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub. "Anything for supper tonight, Danny?"

Danny Blake scowled at Gavin and turned his attention to sweeping debris off the floor. "No kitchen, no food, Gavin. We're still cleaning up the mess Carlotta 2.0 left behind. Who knew that kicking someone out of the pub could be so explosive?"

Gavin nodded sympathetically. "Well, my vote was for someone else, but our dear creator had no interest in listening to me! Speaking of whom... where is he?"

Danny glanced up surprised, "Huh? Wait... What's going on? What are all these capital letters doing at the beginning of sentences?"

Gavin scanned the mostly empty pub. Only a handful of the regulars were around. Sierra Charlie frantically gestured her hands in the air with her cellphone plastered to her head. Taylor Young swept circles around the Mysterious Lurker and Marian Elfman, who were standing by the only furniture in the pub, a makeshift table created of leftover pieces from Danny's bar and an upside down garbage can. Gavin walked over to Marian and the Lurker, who were huddled over Marian's smartphone.

"What are you guys doing?" Gavin asked.

"We're trying to see if we can GPS track Burkie," the Lurker responded.

"And I'm filling in on the blog, too," Marian added. "I wanted to make sure that anyone trying to locate any loved ones who were at the pub last week could do so by checking in on the pub's blog page... I was going to set up a Twitter account, but I knew Burkie would feel uneasy about entering new social media worlds, so we're sticking with the blog for now."

Gavin looked relieved to have solved one mystery. "So who else have you heard from? Is everyone okay?"

Marian switched the screen on her smartphone to a spreadsheet. "Sierra is currently going through her phonebook checking in on everyone. So far she's been able to make contact with Foxy..." Gavin gave a huge sigh of relief. Marian looked up and snickered. "Linda, Tucker, the Lurker, Taylor, me, Danny... And now you're here, so she won't have to call you next!"

Gavin started, "Hey, I don't even make top 5?!"

Marian glared at Gavin. "Don't be so childish. We have more important matters at hand! Where's Burkie???"

Gavin looked sheepish. "You're right, you're right. I'll get on the case!"

The Lurker jumped in, "Hey, do you think we need time machines to find him? I never did get to travel in my hot tub time machine."

Gavin glared at her, "Like you helped all that much last time! And no! Of course we don't need time machines! At least I don't think we do..."

Marian intervened, "Okay guys, let's focus here! The last anyone heard from Burkie was about beef. Maybe the beef can lead us to him."

Gavin declared, "As the premier investigator in this pub, I am officially on the case. To the beef!"

(To be continued... Maybe.)

Snapshots: Pancho

his given name was Robert, and that was the name he went by in the real world.  He was Robert at school, Robert at work.  Robert was sewn onto his karate gi.  it was on his driver's license and his pilot's license.  Robert was the name on his bills, and the name on the pin-up girl checks he used to pay those bills.  from the day he was born, though, he was Pancho to the family.  our father started calling him that in tribute to his best friend, and we never called him anything else. 

Pancho was 6 years older than me and, in many ways, we were as different as two brothers could be.  he was tall and lanky; i...not so much.  he rode bulls; i attended college with a longhorn bull as the mascot.  he liked baseball; i liked football.  he could construct houses; i could construct sentences in latin. 

our personalities were completely different as well.  Pancho liked people, and people liked him.  he seemed to know every third cousin and great aunt twice-removed as well as he knew the immediate family; he was certainly as comfortable with them.  that was something i could never manage.  i tended to stick to certain individuals in the family, but Pancho didn't.  for Pancho, family was family, no matter how removed.  and if he was your friend, he was your friend for life.

yet, as different as we were, i'd like to think we had a few things in common.  one was work.  Pancho always had a job or two--heck, he even had a job during his, um, illness.  i've been constantly employed since i was 15 (save for one semester of college in Austin).  i'm sure he worked harder than i did, but the point is that we both valued work. 

Pancho and i also enjoyed shooting pool.  we never had a pool table, but we used to play at the bowling alley and, later, in bars.  he was always better than i was, but it never bothered me to lose to him.  he would teach me stuff as we played, and it was fun.  he later became apprenticed to a master cue stick maker, and i'm proud to own some sticks that Pancho worked on with him.

the one interest that we shared with equal zeal was reading.  we both devoured books, but i'll always be grateful that Pancho introduced me to Louis L'Amour and, most importantly, J.R.R Tolkien.  he convinced me to read The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings when i was in junior high and it was a revelation to me.  however, i didn't know a single other person in my family or, indeed, our entire town who had ever read the books or were remotely interested in reading them, so Pancho was the only person i could talk to about them.  it was our secret (obviously, not for long), and we never stopped talking about books or recommending them to each other. 

we lost Pancho earlier this month.  i'm sorry we didn't do more together as adults (we almost never lived in same state), but that's just the way it is.  in a way, though, it doesn't matter.  Pancho was a constant.  if you knew Pancho 40 years ago, he was exactly the same person 40 years later (though, thankfully, he wasn't still shooting at me with a BB gun 40 years later.  he probably wanted to, though).  our cousin Steve, who officiated at Pancho's funeral, said that Pancho was real, and that is certainly true.  i believe that it's his realness and his constancy that will help fill in the hole that his passing has left in our lives.

Fangsgiving in February

"burkie!" marian waved at their handsome creator when he walked in.

"evening, ma'am," burkie tipped his hat and approached the bar. "whatcha got tonight, hoss?"

danny blake placed a pink cupcake in front of him. "an oh-so-coconutty cupcake."

burkie looked at up at blake, clearly annoyed. "this is a pub, not a tea party. why is it i read--actually, write--about all these delicious, savory recipes you make, yet when i come in, it's peanut butter & jelly sandwiches or coconut cupcakes?"

blake shrugged. "it's your fault. it was supposed to be guinness malt-wheaten bread. what happened there?"

"uh, yeah, about that....i forgot to add the sugar. and at half-a-cup, that's a lot of sugar to forget, so it didn't brown right, it didn't taste right, and it didn't quite cook all the way through. it went into the trash."

"good thing maddog saved your ass with these cupcakes then," blake retorted. "she dropped them off a short time ago."

"maddog, huh?" burkie picked it up with growing interest and bit into it, then quickly grabbed a second one on his way to the table to join the regulars. "how's it going, guys? enjoying the new format?"

"very much so," marian noted, "i have several ideas of how you can improve it, though." she started punching keys on her laptop. "i put them in a spreadsheet somewhere...."

"a spreadsheet?" cardigan was confused. "it's a blog, not a database."

"but i like to categorize my ideas," marian explained. "i have a column for existing character suggestions, new character suggestions, cases for gavin, dating partners for sierra--"

"wait a minute, i don't need any help getting dates," sierra objected, biting into burkie's as yet untouched second cupcake.

"well, let's talk about that," burkie broke in. "it's not unusual for a group of single adults to get together in a pub every night and hang out, especially in the fictional world. what is unusual is for none of them to be romantically involved with anybody, or at least going out on one disastrous date after another, especially in the fictional world."

"doesn't that make us stand out from the norm and, therefore, more interesting?" Mysterious Lurker asked, signaling blake for a beer.

"i'm not sure," burkie admitted. "i think we should experiment and see how it works out. who wants to volunteer to go first?"

"sierra," cardigan, marian, blake, and the Lurker said in unison.

sierra made a face. "no! why do you always gang up on me? pick on somebody else."

"hmmm...." burkie mused, then looked toward the door as a new character walked in.

"hullo," the newcomer greeted them, knocking over a barstool as he raised his arm to wave at them. "oh, sorry about that." the tall, dark-haired man picked up the stool, then reached over for the beer that blake had just poured for the Lurker, but accidently knocked it over. "oh, sorry about that."

the others sat back and watched in fascinated silence as the man finally worked his way over to them, sloshing the two beers he was carrying as he bumped into various chairs and tables before finally arriving with just over half-a-beer in each glass. he sat one down in front of the Lurker with an apologetic, "sorry about that." he took a seat and pushed his little round glasses back up on his nose, grinning.

burkie made the introductions. "marian, meet taylor young."

marian rolled her eyes. "you can't be serious!"

sierra and the Lurker didn't bother to suppress their laughter.

taylor looked around. "what's the matter?"

marian scrunched her face at him. "you seem a little clumsy."

"that's only in the fictional world. in the real world...well, i don't exist in the real world, but if i did, i'm sure i'd be dignified and debonair."

cardigan stuck his hand out. "i'm cardigan. welcome to the pub."

burkie looked at taylor. "isn't there something you want to show them, taylor?"

the newcomer blinked a couple of times, then said, "oh, yeah!" he opened his mouth to show two fangs slowly growing longer before their very eyes. "ouch!" he yelped as the fangs punctured his own bottom lip.

marian sniggered.

burkie sighed. "you'll have to work on that, taylor."

sierra and the Lurker had tears in their eyes from laughing so hard.

"this isn't fair!" marian stomped her foot. "sierra wanted to date a vampire, not me."

"well, i don't think he's a real vampire," burkie admitted, watching taylor dab at his lip with a napkin. "maybe he just has the uncanny ability to grow fangs at will, but he doesn't drink blood or turn other people into vampires or have immortality."

"he's certainly uncanny," cardigan commented.

"wait a minute--i'm not immortal?" taylor was disappointed. "can i at least turn into a bat?"

"no!" blake hollered from behind the bar. "no bat guano in the pub!"

"maybe he can turn into a black darter," sierra suggested.

"no, we already have one of those to make fun of," the Lurker said mischeviously. "perhaps he can turn into a squirrel."

"if i'm dating him, i'm wearing a cross around my neck," marian declared.

taylor shrugged. "i'm catholic. i doubt it will have any effect."

marian dug into her bag and pulled out a half-knitted scarf and wrapped it around her neck. "there."

"uh, i don't think that will work, either," sierra told her. "maybe you should borrow a leather collar from the white corgi."

"with beer in the barrel," added taylor, who put his fangs inside his glass and started slurping beer through them.

burkie nodded with a look of satisfaction. "my work here is done. goodnight!"

"burkie! wait!" marian wailed after him as he walked out.

Chapterless

"burkie!" marian looked up from her laptop and waved at the latest customer to walk into Poor Yorick's Pub.

burkie tipped his hat and muttered, "ma'am," on his way to the bar. "hey, danny. i'll take a guinness. what's on the menu today?"

"peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," blake replied as he poured the draught.

burkie rolled his eyes. "you're kidding. you actually found a recipe for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on epicurious? hell, i think even sierra could make that without a recipe."

blake shrugged. "this is your blog, big guy, not mine. you wanted peanut butter and jelly today."

"but that's because i was sick. i'm having a guinness now, and i don't want peanut butter and jelly with it."

"don't knock it 'till you try it. it's that or nothing."

"fine, fine, i'll take it. but at least put it on wheat instead of white."

"you got it, boss." blake turned around to make the sandwich and burkie walked over to the assembled usual suspects. "what's up, guys?"

cardigan retorted, "you tell us, hotshot. you're holding the strings." he put his hands up and made them move around jerkily.

"i understand how you feel, but i think we made some good decisions in Chapter 11. you guys can be your own person much more easily now that i'm not putting you in contrived situations with no forethought."

sierra broke in. "but what about my dog? and livermore?"

"i saw your grandfather today, sierra, and he's fine. he said to tell you hi." burkie bit into his sandwich. "as for livermore, cardigan will have to fill us in."

cardigan answered, "the police tell me that the bullet that killed livermore is a match to one that was used in a drug-related murder in miami several months ago. so it looks like that police know what they're doing. they don't need us."

"good," burkie nodded. "his purpose was to bring cardigan and sierra together, so we don't really have to spend much more time on him. even sierra wasn't emotionally invested in him, were you?" he turned toward sierra, scowling as he sees her bite into the hitherto untouched half of his sandwich.

"nope," she mumbled. "he was a bad kisser."

marian asked, "why isn't this Chapter 12?"

"oh, that. well, since i'm changing the format of this little exercise to that of a meeting place rather than a linear story, i'm going to give the chapters names rather than numbers."

"is that all we are to you? just an exercise?" sierra was indignant.

"no, not at all." burkie said defensively. "that's why i changed the format to make you guys the focus rather than a dead guy. you're much more interesting."

"i agree," concurred marian. "we are much more interesting." she looked at burkie. "have you finished "The Time Traveler's Wife?"

burkie shook his head. "no, not yet, but the end is near. i am enjoying it. it's very...human."

"but you don't like humans," sierra pointed out.

"that's true," burkie admitted, "but they're fictional humans--like you guys, and i enjoy you, too. i enjoy books with good characters, which is why i tend to enjoy serial fiction as the characters can be more fully developed over multiple books. the nice thing about 'the time traveler's wife' is that while the book has a clever premise, it serves to develop the characters and enhance their relationship rather than steal the spotlight from them."

"maybe i can be a time traveler, too," sierra piped in, "so i can help develop our characters further."

"no!" they all said in unison.

"but," marian grinned, "maybe you could date a time traveler. they're probably better kissers than dead guys."

"he wasn't dead when i kissed him!" sierra made a face. "and i don't want to date a guy who just pops in and out all the time without warning."

"plus, he arrives naked every time he time travels," burkie pointed out.

"eeeuw, definitely not." sierra shuddered. "can i date an independently wealthy vampire?"

"no!"