The Bird Is The Word, Part The First

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung his fedora on a peg, and said hello to his buddy danny blake behind the bar.

"hello yourself," danny replied as he poured a beer and handed it to cardigan.  "i'm serving totchos tonight.  interested?"

"if you're making 'em, i'm eating 'em, but what the hell are totchos?"

"nachos made with tater tots instead of tortilla chips," danny explained with a grin.

"pure genius," cardigan raised his glass in praise.  "bring 'em on!"

cardigan took his beer back to his customary table to join his friends and stopped short.  "um, whose bird?"

the bird, which appeared to be a brightly colored parrot, looked at cardigan and squawked, "oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?"

cardigan looked at the others, raising an eyebrow.

"it just appeared here," taylor young explained with a shrug.  "a tag on the cage said 'Mr. Monotone.'"

"he stutters.  who ever heard of a stuttering parrot?"

"i have," came an authoritative voice behind them.  cardigan groaned as their handsome creator approached.

"burkie, is this your parrot?"  sierra charles asked.

"i'm afraid not," burkie shook his head.  "i think he was sent by my arch nemesis."

"you have an arch nemesis?"  danny sounded dubious as he delivered cardigan's totchos. "why?"

"yes, his name is archibald knemesis," burkie told them as he plucked a tater tot off of the plate.

"of course it is," cardigan muttered as he moved his plate out of burkie's reach, only to have sierra snag another tot.

"he sent me an email saying that he has trapped the Lurker," burkie told them.

"what?!" marian exclaimed.  "where?  we have to rescue her!"

"don't worry," burkie said calmly.  "like all arch nemesises...nemeses..nemesii...villains, knemesis goes to complicated extremes to show off how clever he is, which will always be his downfall.  now, he explained that the only way to release the Lurker is for all of us to read where she's trapped at the same time."

"but where's she trapped?"  danny sounded worried, despite burkie's confidence.

"knemesis said it might be a book, a play, a poem, or a song, but six blasts from my past would lead us to her."  burkie pointed at the parrot.  "and there is the first blast."

"a stuttering parrot?"

burkie nodded.  "knemesis must know that one of my favorite books ever is The Mystery of the Stuttering Parrot, book 2 in The Three Investigators series.  if i'm right, there will be more parrots."

as if on cue, judge st. bishop walked in carrying a bird cage with a grey bird inside.  "hey, what's going on here?  i was sent this bird and told to come here."

"does he say anything?" danny asked.

the bird himself replied.  "what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?"

"what the hell is that supposed to mean?" cardigan wondered.

the judge shrugged.  "beats me.  the tag on the cage says Winston Churchill."

tucker and linda nulo walked in next, carrying another cage.

"does that bird say anything?" sierra asked before they could say anything.

they nodded and the bird spoke:  "sure, i know that song.  old bar hit."

marian was typing the words into her laptop.  "what's the bird's name?"

"Hannah Graham," linda told her.  "what's this all about?"

"Mysterious Lurker has been kidnapped...er, lurknapped," taylor tried to explain.

"that's three birds," cardigan noted and looked toward the door.  "foxy!"

sierra's sister walked in with another cage.  "hey, guys.  somebody delivered this bird--"

"we know," sierra told her.  "burkie's arch nemesis had the Lurker trapped and the birds have clues to help us rescue her.  what does your bird say?"

"this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!" the bird told them.

"weird," cardigan murmured.  "but at least it mentioned a place; that gives us something to work on.  what's the bird's name, foxy?"

"Bertrand Russell."

"that's the second brit, counting Winston Churchill," sierra pointed out.  "i wonder if that means anything?"

"i don't know," marian shook her head.  "i've never heard of a Hannah Graham or Mr. Monotone before."

"Mr. Monotone is a reference to--"  tucker started to explain but was interrupted by the entrance of founding father benjamin franklin, carrying a cage with a black mynah bird inside.

"the most extraordinary thing has happened!" mr. franklin told them.  "i was given this bird and a note to come here.  just listen to him talk!"

"i know what dude i am.  i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude," the bird exclaimed.

"i've heard that before!" taylor said excitedly.  "roberty downy, jr. said that in that movie where he was playing an australian actor who was playing a black man in a movie."

cardigan looked pained.  "as if this thing wasn't confusing enough as it is."

mr. franklin nodded.  "that's the name on the cage--Robert Downey, Jr."

"that leaves only one bird," marian observed.  "i wonder who has it?"

they all looked toward the door and, sure enough, somebody walked in carrying a bird cage.  it was special assistant hepzibah, burkie's special assistant.

"hepzibah, thank goodness you're here," burkie told her.  "what's your bird's name and what does he say?"

"it's not a he, it's a she of the species," hepzibah explained.  "her name is Joan Dunn."

the bird shook her wings and said, "it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it."

sierra snorted.  "that doesn't narrow it down much at all."

marian snickered.  "you snorted!"

sierra glared at burkie.  "i don't snort, burkie!  change that, now!"

burkie glowered.  "we don't have time for that, sierra.  we have to find the Lurker.  marian, list all the clues again for us."

Mr. Monotone:  oh, i wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder who-who-who-who who wrote the book of love?
Winston Churchill:  what's a bloody englishman doing with a bloody flashlight?
Hannah Graham:  sure, i know that song.  old bar hit.
Bertrand Russell:  this is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must zip over to the village of great neck!
Robert Downey, Jr.:  i know what dude i am.  i'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.
Joan Dunn:  it takes a woman to be one of these; no man can handle it.

"right.  now, these clues are supposed to tell us where the Lurker is stuck.  any ideas?  anybody?"  burkie looked around but nobody had anything to offer.

"okay, let's ask for help," burkie decided.  "dear readers, if you know where the Lurker is trapped, please email me at burkie47 -at- gmail -dot- com.  if you can tell me what each clue means and the book or song or play or poem in which the Lurker is trapped, you'll win something.  okay?  thanks for your help, and happy solving!  oh, and don't leave any spoilers in the comments!"