A Question of Character

"howdy," gavin cardigan greeted danny blake as he entered the Pub.

blake poured him a beer and placed it in front of him. "we're serving gazpacho steak salad tonight. interested?"

"when have i ever turned down one of your meals?" cardigan sipped his beer, then walked over to join the regulars and, he noticed, the irregulars as well, including burkie's special assistant. "hey, guys. what's going on?"

"burkie set up this game to let you guys develop your characters more fully," special assistant hepzibah explained. "each of you will reach into that box on the table, pull out a slip of paper, and answer the question on it."

"it's about time!" linda nulo reached into the box, eager to develop her character fully. she read the question aloud: "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? and why?" she crumpled the paper angrily in her hand. "wtf kind of question is that?!"

"it's designed to give us insight into your psychological make-up," dr. foxy charles explained. "it's really quite clever."

"i'd be the whomping willow from harry potter, so i could whomp burkie upside the head," linda retorted. "your turn, foxy, since you find burkie so clever."

foxy smiled and reached in, then read: "who was the first person you ever had a crush on?" she took a quick swallow of beer to hide her rapidly blushing face. "hmmm, i can't remember. your turn, sierra."

s.a. hepzibah sighed. "you have to answer, foxy. if you don't, burkie will just type it."

"isn't he typing it already?"

"don't confuse matters. it hurts my head to think about that."

foxy muttered, "roger rabbit."

"roger rabbit?" sierra laughed. "he's animated! and...well, a rabbit!"

foxy shrugged. "he makes me laugh."

"okay, i'll give him that," her sister conceded and reached in for her question: "'if you were one of snow white's 7 dwarfs, which one would you be?' hmmm, probably Hungry."

"i think Hungry was a smurf, not a dwarf," marian elfman stated.

"there was no Hungry Smurf," declared judge st. bishop, the Pub's foremost authority on all things smurfy.

"there was no Hungry dwarf, either," foxy said. "honestly, if you took my and burkie's course, you'd know this."

"choose Dopey," taylor young suggested. "he's the one without a beard."

"definitely Dopey," sierra stated with finality. "your turn, taylor."

taylor reached in and pulled out the following: "if you were a professional wrestler, what would your name be?" he grinned. "Forever Young!" he bared his fangs menacingly, referring to the immortality that burkie has yet to bestow upon him.

marian rolled her eyes. "that's corny!" she reached into the box for her own question: "if you were a natural disaster, which one would you be?" she made a face of bewilderment. "i have no idea....oh, i know--the bermuda triangle!" she beamed, obviously pleased with herself.

"is that a disaster or a phenomenon?"

"according to the most interesting man in the world, it's actually a parellelogram rather than a triangle," danny informed them as he delivered caridgan's salad. "guess i'd better take one, too." he reached in and pulled out: "if you were to host a dinner party and could invite two historical figures, who would you invite?" danny pointed left and right. "easy. ben franklin and william shakespeare."

marian made yet another face and stomped her foot. "that's not fair! they're always invited!"

"and it's always my pleasure to be here, my dear!" mr. franklin smiled at her, then reached in for a question: "which modern day convenience could you not live without?" he drummed his fingers on the table. "hmmm, i would have to say this iPod device. i've got every song tom jones ever recorded on this little baby!"

the judge looked alarmed. "i think you should choose something from your own time period, sir. perhaps one of your own inventions?"

"and i think you should answer your own question, magistrate," retorted the founding father, placing his iPod back in his pocket.

the judge bristled but reached in for a question: "if you had a band, what would you name it?" he thought for a second. "Langtry," he decided.

"nice," tucker approved, then reached for a question: if you had a theme song that played whenever you walked into a room, which song would it be? tucker grinned, strummed his guitar, and started to sing:

night after night,
who treats you right?
baby, it's the guitar man...

"at least you got a good question, honey," linda noted.

"my turn," Mysterious Lurker announced with a toss of her leisure suit-blue hair, reaching in for a question. "what would everyone in the room be shocked to learn about you?" a tattoo of a sheriff's star appeared on her arm. "that i wanted to be a cop when i grew up."

sgt. boom-boom shakalaka snorted. "you on the force? more like the farce." she reached in for a question: what is your idea of a great first date? "gee, i don't know. with my hours, i don't date much. i guess it would be going out for thai food, then the shooting range, then chilling out with a bottle of wine and a horror movie."

"that sounds...interesting," marian noted. "your turn, hepzibah. hepzibah?"

burkie's special assistant looked as if she were in a trance, then realized everyone was staring at her. "oh, sorry! i was, uh, wondering where burkie is."

"you're his special assistant. shouldn't you know?"

"oh, right. yes, he couldn't be here tonight because he's busy writing." she reached in and pulled out: what's your favorite movie? "oh, i don't know. interview with the vampire, i guess."

"good flick," taylor approved. "ava, your turn."

burkie's friend ava smiled and reached in for her question: where would you most like to visit? "adaven, nevada," she replied.

"i've never heard of it," the black darter noted, then reached in for his question: if you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you lose? "oh, man, that's an impossible question for a super hero to answer."

"then it should be easy for you," the Lurker pointed out.

dat glared at her, then answered, "touch. since i use a blow gun, i don't need to get close enough to touch the bad guys."

sierra looked over at gavin. "cardigan, you haven't gone yet!"

cardigan grunted, then reached in: what rule have you always disagreed with, and why? "i before e except after c," he replied. "it's just weird." he turned to shakespeare as the playwright came over to collect the dirty dishes. "you're last, shakespeare."

the great dramatist reached in and pulled out: what is your favorite number? "One that lies three thirds and uses a known truth to pass a thousand nothings with, should be once heard and thrice beaten," he answered, then carried the dishes away.

the others looked at each other. "so what was his answer?"

"i think it's 'three.' he used three different versions of three: three, thirds, and thrice."

"or he might have just been making an observation about burkie," noted cardigan.