Turning Back the Crock

The dark ruins of a tavern. In the middle, a crockpot boiling. Thunder.

Enter the three Witches.

Pearl:  ruby, a crockpot?!

Ruby:  pearl, don't start with me, you ol' bitty!  cauldrons are heavy, and fires are a nuiscance.  we're lucky that danny's crockpot survived the explosion.

Pearl:  watch who you call an old bitty, you old bitty!

Esmerelda:  stop bickering you two!  we have to get this rrright in order to save the Pub.

Ruby:  Thrice the shaggy dog hath barked.

       Pearl:  Thrice and once, the hedge-pig marked.

       Emerelda:  Harrrpier harks:—'tis time! 'tis time!

       Ruby:  Round about the crockpot go;

    In the poison'd entrails throw.—

    Toad, that under cold stone,

    Days and nights has thirty-one;

    Swelter'd venom sleeping got,

    Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!

       ALL:  Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Pearl:  Fillet of a fenny snake,

    In the caldron boil and bake;

    Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

    Wool of bat, and tongue of dog--

Ruby:  uh, Pearl?  the Pub was named after a dog.  let's be a little more sensitive, shall we?

Pearl:  hmph.  just a minute...

[Pearl exits and returns shortly with a tattered bag.  she sets it down, rummages around inside, and brings forth a slender jar.  "just the thing!" she proclaims as she unscrews the lid and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]

      Pearl: Wool of bat, and tongue of hog,

    Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,

    Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,—

    For a charm of powerful trouble,

    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

       ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Esmerelda:  Scale of drrragon; tooth of wolf;

    Witches' mummy; maw and gulf

    Of the rrravin'd salt-sea shark;

    Rrroot of hemlock digg'd i the dark;

    Liver of blaspheming Jew--

Ruby:  uh, Esmerelda?  we don't denigrate Jews here.  please find something more Politically Correct.

[Esmerelda rolls her eyes, then reaches into Pearl's bag to search through various jars, vials, bags, boxes, and Ziploc bags.  finally brings forth one of those old 35mm film canisters, opens it, and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]

      Esmerelda:  Liver of the myopic mr. magoo,

   Gall of goat, and slips of yew

    Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;

    Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips--

Ruby:  ahem...

[Esmerelda swears and searches in the bag again, pulloing out two boxes and dumping the innards into the crockpot]

      Emerelda:  Nose of Jerk, wax candy lips;

    Finger of birth-strangled babe--

Ruby:  Esmerelda!!!

Esmerelda:  dammit, Ruby, i didn't wrrrite this stuff!  talk to shakespeare! 

[searches the bag again, finally noting with a hmph "there's nothing in here that rhymes with babe."]

[Pearl points out that the next actually ends with the word "drab" and asks if there is something that rhymes with that.]

[Esmerelda nods and pulls out a huge crustacean.]

Emerelda:  Claw of local Dungeness crrrab

    Ditch-deliver'd by a drrrab,—

    Make the grrruel thick and slab:

    Add thereto a tiger's chaudrrron,

    For the ingrediants of our crrrockpt.

       ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Pearl:  Cool it with a baboon's blood,

    Then the charm is firm and--

Ruby:  wait, Pearl!

Pearl:  what's wrong?

Ruby:  burkie wanted to get rid of one of the characters, remember?  when we restore the Pub, we should make sure one of them doesn't return.

Esmerelda:  i vote we get rrrid of that darrrter!

Ruby:  but the black darter wasn't on the list.  it's either us, the ghost of christmas present, archibald knemesis, dash chandler, or carlotta 2.0.

Esmerelda:  that carrrlotta caused all this!  let's get rrrid of her!

Ruby:  that was probably a glitch in her programming.  we can't blame her for that.

Pearl:  well, i am not going to bring things back only to kill myself off.

Ruby:  how about the ghost?  christmas is over, so he's technically in the past now anyway.  besides, we provide enough of a supernatural element to the Pub without him.

Pearl:  agreed.

Esmerelda:  agrrreed.

[Ruby draws a quick sketch of the ghost of christmas present, adding a big X across his face, and tosses it into the crockpot, then nods to Pearl to finish.]

       Pearl:  Cool it with a baboon's blood,

     Then the charm is firm and good!

[Darkness engulfs the Pub for a long time.  several months, in fact.  finally, light begins to grow and voices and activityin progress soon become apparent.]

"that's what she said," benjamin franklin replied with a grin.

the entire Pub roared with laughter, raising their glasses in a toast.

"here's to 2013!"  burkie declared.

"cheers!"

"to 2013!"

as the Pub regulars clinked glasses and exchanged hugs and what-not, the witches sank back in their chairs, admiring their work.

"hey!"  the black darter was looking around in agitation.  "where did my nose go?!"

Esmerelda smiled as she raised her beer glass to her lips.

Soft Dinner Rolls

i make these a lot, and even came up with the recipe.  i've just never gotten around to posting them.

i use a mixture of whole wheat flour for texture, bread flour for structure, and all-purpose flour for softness.  honey instead of sugar.  buttermilk as the liquid. often (not this time), i'll brush a wash of milk & honey on top before baking.  yums!

Tangerine-Glazed Easter Ham

i don't care for ham that much, to tell the truth (except in soups), but this one is better than most.  cooked long & slow with a nice syrupy glaze of tangerine juice, brown sugar, cinnamon sticks, and whole cloves, then slices of tangerine and fresh sage leaves all sticky and caramelized on top of the crisp skin--it's a good ham!  it's a tyler florence recipe, and you can find it here.  as you can see, i caramelized the tangerines & ham more than tyler did; it's better that way  *wink*

the search for the great burkie

Gavin Cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub. "Anything for supper tonight, Danny?"

Danny Blake scowled at Gavin and turned his attention to sweeping debris off the floor. "No kitchen, no food, Gavin. We're still cleaning up the mess Carlotta 2.0 left behind. Who knew that kicking someone out of the pub could be so explosive?"

Gavin nodded sympathetically. "Well, my vote was for someone else, but our dear creator had no interest in listening to me! Speaking of whom... where is he?"

Danny glanced up surprised, "Huh? Wait... What's going on? What are all these capital letters doing at the beginning of sentences?"

Gavin scanned the mostly empty pub. Only a handful of the regulars were around. Sierra Charlie frantically gestured her hands in the air with her cellphone plastered to her head. Taylor Young swept circles around the Mysterious Lurker and Marian Elfman, who were standing by the only furniture in the pub, a makeshift table created of leftover pieces from Danny's bar and an upside down garbage can. Gavin walked over to Marian and the Lurker, who were huddled over Marian's smartphone.

"What are you guys doing?" Gavin asked.

"We're trying to see if we can GPS track Burkie," the Lurker responded.

"And I'm filling in on the blog, too," Marian added. "I wanted to make sure that anyone trying to locate any loved ones who were at the pub last week could do so by checking in on the pub's blog page... I was going to set up a Twitter account, but I knew Burkie would feel uneasy about entering new social media worlds, so we're sticking with the blog for now."

Gavin looked relieved to have solved one mystery. "So who else have you heard from? Is everyone okay?"

Marian switched the screen on her smartphone to a spreadsheet. "Sierra is currently going through her phonebook checking in on everyone. So far she's been able to make contact with Foxy..." Gavin gave a huge sigh of relief. Marian looked up and snickered. "Linda, Tucker, the Lurker, Taylor, me, Danny... And now you're here, so she won't have to call you next!"

Gavin started, "Hey, I don't even make top 5?!"

Marian glared at Gavin. "Don't be so childish. We have more important matters at hand! Where's Burkie???"

Gavin looked sheepish. "You're right, you're right. I'll get on the case!"

The Lurker jumped in, "Hey, do you think we need time machines to find him? I never did get to travel in my hot tub time machine."

Gavin glared at her, "Like you helped all that much last time! And no! Of course we don't need time machines! At least I don't think we do..."

Marian intervened, "Okay guys, let's focus here! The last anyone heard from Burkie was about beef. Maybe the beef can lead us to him."

Gavin declared, "As the premier investigator in this pub, I am officially on the case. To the beef!"

(To be continued... Maybe.)

Everyday Shredded Beef Filling

this recipe is from Slow Cooker Revolution, america's test kitchen's definitive resource for crock-pot cooking.  it's basically a carne guisada, a spicy tex-mex stewed beef that is excellent as a filling for tacos, burritos, or enchiladas,.  it would also make a killer hash.  this was super easy, and super tasty.  you braise a chuck roast in an aromatic liquid of minced garlic & onions, tomato sauce, and an assorted of spices all day.  take the meat out, let it cool a bit, and then shred it, and mix in some of the braising liquid with it to keep it moist.  i made simple tacos with it on heated flour tortillas, adding only some fresh cilantro and some radishes that i shredded and tossed with a little lime juice.  i liked this a lot, not only for ease & convenience but also for flavor & versatility.  a winner in every respect!

Day of Wreckoning

(if you haven't read the previous chapter Tribal Council yet, go here now to read it first)

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung his fedora on the wall, and greeted his friend danny blake behind the bar.  "what's for supper tonight, danny boy?"

"meat & bacon pie," danny replied as he filled a glass with Guinness.  "in celebration of international pi day."

cardigan lifted his pint in a toast.  "that's my kind of holiday.  does Hallmark make cards for it yet?"

"i don't need a card to eat pie," danny snorted.

cardigan laughed and walked back to join the throng.  "burkie, what's the verdict?  who's getting knocked off?"

"i am!" carlotta 2.0's voice rang out from marian's laptop.  "but i'm not going alone, hahahahaha!"

as her maniacal laughed cackled endlessly, it was joined by similar voices coming out of every laptop, netbook, tablet, PDA, and cell phone in the Pub.  everybody started pushing buttons and cursing.

"dammit, it won't stop!"

"what the hell is going on?!"

"i think that harlotta carlotta infected all of our devices with a freakin' virus!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHASOLONGSUCKERS!!!

 ka-BOOM

Spaghetti alla Carbonara (My Way)

one of my favorite things to eat.  and since it's my way?  i'll tell you how i did it!  (wow, am i becoming a real food blogger?)  this is far from authentic.  if you are a person who only likes authentically prepared dishes, you might want to stop reading.  if you like healthy recipes, you might want to stop reading.

still here?  okay, first thing is put a big pot o' water on to boil.  then, chop up a pound of bacon.  yeah, a pound.  and slice a big yellow onion.  saute them together in some extra virgin olive oil.  after about five minutes, throw in some sliced mushroom.  about 10 minutes later, when the bacon looks cooked, throw in a couple of cloves of chopped garlic.  after a couple of minutes, pour in about a third cup of sherry (not traditional.  white wine works great and is more traditional, but i love sherry with 'shrooms).  now throw a box of spaghetti (well, not the box) into the boiling, salted water.  oh, and thaw some frozen peas in the microwave.  now, over in a very, very large bowl, beat together 3 large eggs, 2 large egg yolks, about 6 Tbsp of heavy cream, some grated pecorino romano & reggiano parmigiano (that's romano & parmesan cheeses)--about 1/3 cup total.  pour in the bacon, onion, and mushroom mixture (fat and all) and stir together.  now, spaghetti should be almost done.  take out about 1/4 c. of the boiling pasta water and gradually stir it into the bacon & egg mixture.  drain the pasta, then pour the pasta into the bacon & egg mixture, tossing well to get all the noodles coated, then cover the bowl with a lid, foil, or whatever you have and leave it for about 5 minutes.  the heat from the pasta will cook the eggs in an unctious, lovely sauce that sticks lovingly to the pasta.  now stir in the peas.  place a portion on a plate, thrown on some chopped parsley, kosher salt, and freshly ground black pepper.  enjoy.  and you will enjoy, trust me.  i want more.