Casting Call

"howdy, danny!" gavin cardigan called out as he entered Poor Yorick's Pub. "what's for din-din?"

"you're gonna like this," Pub owner danny blake replied from behind the bar as he poured an ale. "buffalo chicken sandwiches with celery-roquefort slaw."

"i am certain that our relationship will evolve well beyond like and go directly to lust."

"wotcher, gavin!" taylor young greeted him as he took his regular place at the table.

marian elfman turned to him. "gavin, we're trying to get the Lurker to write a screenplay about the Pub. who do think should play you?"

"a movie about us? why would anybody want to watch a movie about us? i wouldn't."

"why not? we're interesting!" marian insisted. "besides, this discussion would allow our readers to better imagine what we look like."

"ah. that makes more sense."

"so i'm not really writing a screenplay?" the brown-haired Mysterious Lurker put down her pencil. "hmph."

"you're still writing the one about zombies, aren't you?" sierra charles asked her.

the Lurker's face brightened. "it's done! my agent is shopping it around the studios now."

this announcement was followed by general hoopla.

"please, keep your seats! don't rise on my account," came a booming voice from behind them.

they turned to see a tall man in uniform striding toward them, his broad chest adorned with a dozen ribbons. "General Hoopla, at your service!"

there was much eye-rolling at this. "lame!"

the general suddenly had a cane, and was hobbling. "hey, that's not fair!"

danny walked over to deliver cardigan's sandwich. "get used to it."

"i'd rather not," the general hmph'ed and hobbled away.

cardigan sank his teeth gratefully into his meal, moaning his approval of danny's culinary artwork. after swallowing, he said, "are you sure it's wise to identify actors to play us? each of our five or six readers may already have fixed an idea in his or her imagination of what we look like. if we do something to mess that up, we might lose readers."

marian made a face at him. "don't be so melodramatic, gavin! this will be fun. for example, i think that tina fey should be me."

"tina fey?!" gavin shook his head. "no way. i'd say maggie gyllenhaal for you."

"maggie gyllenhaal?!" sierra shook her head. "she's too tall to play marian. now, drew barrymore would make a good marian."

"i vote for helena bonham carter," taylor put in. "she'd be smashing!"

gavin watched as the Lurker began erasing salma hayek's name from her tablet under the "marian" column. "yep, i can tell this is really going to help our readers."

"hmph."