It's A Family Affair

"good evening, danny boy! what's on the menu tonight?" gavin cardigan asked as he stepped into Poor Yorick's Pub.

"argentine empanadas," danny blake replied, pouring a Guinness.

"what makes them argentine?"

"hell if i know."

"hi, gavin! are you ready to party?" marian elfman asked as he approached his regular table.

"party? what party?"

"tucker felt bad that linda didn't win the football league, so he arranged a party to cheer her up. he's got a DJ friend coming over with a karaoke machine!"

"he'd better have some shania twain songs!" linda nulo stated as she drained her beer and signaled danny for another one.

"and elvis songs!" added a friendly looking lady seated next to burkie.

"gavin, this is my mom," burkie made the introductions, "and that's my sister over there next to linda, and that's her husband willie over there handing out ear plugs."

"and who's going to sing the elvis songs?" gavin asked.

"an Elvis Tribute Artist friend of mine, who should be here soon," burkie's mom told him, and then she turned to sierra and squeezed her hand. "he's looking forward to meeting you!"

"oh, no," sierra looked toward burkie for help, but was met by a helpless shrug.

just then, a young man with a determined stride, er, strode determinedly into the Pub, followed by a friendly looking woman.

"hello, your honor," tucker, the shaggy-haired guitar player greeted him. "who's your friend?"

"this is mother st. bishop," the judge explained.

"hiya!" taylor young pulled a chair over for her. "it's nice to meet the judge's mum."

"thank you. it's wonderful to finally meet all of you."

as danny blake came over to deliver a plate of argentine empanadas in front of gavin, the judge and sierra both reached in to take one.

"ow, these are hot!" the judge proclaimed. "but good. can we get more over here, danny? thanks!"

gavin glared at the thieves, then his face lit up as he saw who walked in next. "foxy!"

sierra's sister, foxy charles, smiled as she walked in, followed by a friendly looking lady. "hi, gavin!"

"juliet!" sierra ran over to hug the young lady next to foxy. "i didn't know you were coming!" she turned to everyone and said, "everyone, this is our brother juliet!"

this was met by a number of raised eyebrows and open mouths. "um...hello," gavin stammered out and stuck out his hand.

"gavin, it's nice to finally meet you. i've heard a lot about you." juliet grinned as he shook gavin's hand.

sierra smiled. "juliet is a crossdresser by night and on weekends. his given name is julius and by day he's a personal trainer. as juliet, she performs in an underwater mermaid show."

mother st. bishop winked. "i bet you've got a great dorsal fin."

juliet giggled and took the seat next to her. "you'll have to come by one night and check it out for yourself, sweetheart."

the judge looked alarmed and cleared his voice. "so, where's the karaoke machine?"

"someone looking for me?" a friendly looking man with short blond hair walked in, hauling a karaoke machine. "hey, marian! long time, no see!"

marian made a face that could only be described as dread. "oh, hi."

tucker looked surprised. "marian, you know j³?"

"know me? dude, we used to date!"

"really, mate? you don't say!" taylor shook his hand. "i have that pleasure now."

"your name is J-third?" gavin asked, recalling that marian's ex-boyfriends were supposed to be named after nursery rhyme characters.

"no, man. J-cubed. it's just my stage name. my real name is--"

"JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT!!!" gavin and sierra and Mysterious Lurker shouted out, laughing hysterically.

j³ looked at marian, whose face was beet red. "what exactly did you tell them about me?"

"nothing," marian muttered.

j³ shrugged and starting working with tucker to set up his system. as they were working, a burly man with a burly fro walked in. "hey, guys. has the open mic night started yet?"

burkie walked up to the newcomer and shook his hand. "cliff, we're doing karaoke, not poetry." he looked over at tucker and j³, then noted, "but since the karaoke machine isn't ready yet, the stage is yours. rock on!"

gavin nudged sierra. "that's cliff lynn! he's my favorite poet."

cliff stepped up behind the mic and pulled a folded sheet of paper from his inside coat pocket, and began to read:

burkie, a man from nantucket--

"not that one, cliff!"

"sorry, dude." he pulled out another folded sheet and began again:

lost in train station, by cliff lynn

sam rolled off of the four plastic seats that formed his napping site
hitting the grimy train station floor with an anguished grunt
his 3- and 4-fingered hands pressed against his ears
as if to prevent his dream from absquatulating
when in fact he was the one who wanted to escape the dream
which was akin to a salvadore dali illustration of a hunter s. thompson poem
about band of irish gypsies hunting easter eggs on the white house lawn
full of fuzzy headed-dandelions and crumpled dr. pepper cans and praying mantises
or praying manti or praying manteese or prayings mantis or--

"wtf, man? this is garbage. i didn't write this!"

gavin nodded in agreement. "that was NOT a cliff lynn poem. his poetry is lean, and provocative."

burkie shrugged. "hey, i don't have permission to print your stuff here, so i had improvise. don't worry. this blog doesn't have more than a dozen readers."

"look!" the Lurker pointed toward the front. "elvis has entered the building!"

they all turned to see a black haired, heavily sideburned young man with blue skin wearing a jumpsuit made of aluminum foil walk into the Pub, the left side of his upper lip lifted in a familiar snarl. "not elvis. el visitor, the alien king of rock 'n roll. thank you, thank you ver' much."

burkie's mother ran over to hug the jumpsuited one as j³ tested the mic. "alright, alright, alright! let's get this party started! first up, miss linda nulo singing "man, i feel like a woman!"

juliet whistled. "that's my theme song! make me proud, sister!"

linda pulled her cowboy hat down over her face as she grabbed the mic and started tapping her boot. "let's go, girls!"

tucker moved up behind her with his guitar, pretending to accompany, as linda began to really get into it, spurred on by catcalls and whistles. she received a standing ovation at the end--and another beer from danny--before taking her seat. "whew, that was fun!"

gavin clicked glasses with her. "not bad, linda! i have to admit, this is funner than i thought it would be." he then noticed el visitor taking the stage. "so far."

as the first notes of the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey began to ring out through the pub, the alien E.T.A. began striking elvis poses. the blue skin-phobic sierra shuddered and went over to wedge herself between foxy & juliet, but her siblings were just as vocal as burkie's mom in rooting on the intergalactic king of rock 'n roll, especially as he began to sing "that's alright mama."

after he finished, juliet stood up. "my turn!" she whispered in j³'s ear. he nodded, and in spoke into the mic: "up next, the loverly juliet charles singing 'Fancy!'"

as juliet started strutting her stuff, gavin joined joined in the catcalls and leaned over to whipser to sierra, "she's terrific!"

mother st. bishop obviously agreed as she approached the mock stage with a $10 bill in her teeth.

Mysterious Lurker clumped forward in her bad girl boots. "guess what song i'm going to do?"

"boots," everyone replied in unison.

"hmph."