Quite Contrarian

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and hung up his wet raincoat. "good evening, danny!"

danny cardigan shook his head at his friend's entrance, and looked over at the table in the far corner. "burkie, it's sunny and clear in san francisco today. do your homework before you write about us."

their handsome creator glared at him. "just because i'm writing it today doesn't mean the story takes place today, danny. i'm employing some poetic license here."

"this ain't poetry."

"just pour him a beer and tell him what's on the menu tonight, will you?"

danny shrugged and handed cardigan a pint. "we're having char kway teow."

"what's that?"

"fried flat rice noodles, with an eggnet. it's a thai dish."

"bring it on, my man." cardigan took a sip and went over to join the others.

"so what's the story tonight, burkie?" sierra charles asked.

"i'm not sure," burkie admitted. "i'm too late for halloween."

marian scowled. "that would've been fun. you suck!"

burkie raised his right eyebrow in her general direction, then began to type.

a young man in a bad suit entered the pub. "is there a marian elfman here?"

"over here!" marian waved excitedly.

"here you go, miss. sorry!" he handed her an envelope then hurried out.

marian opened the envelope and read the contents, her face growing hard. "burkie, no!"

"what is it, hon?" her clumsy, vampire wannabe boyfriend taylor young asked.

"i'm being sued!"

"sued?! why?"

"i allegedly gave somebody bad advice in my column," marian fumed, referring to her syndicated advice column Don't Be So Melodramatic!

Mysterious Lurker gave burkie a dirty look. "burkie, that's not nice."

"hey, it happens. it's a tough world out there," burkie responded, then began to type again.

"who was the advisee, marian?" danny asked as he delivered cardigan's dinner.

"a woman who was having trouble with dividing her time between her boyfriend and her bff, who didn't like her boyfriend."

"what did you advise her?"

"i told her that her bff was being melodramatic and she should just ignore her and concentrate on her boyfriend," marian explained. "apparently, her bff didn't like being ditched, so she went out and seduced her friend's boyfriend, who ditched the first girl for the now ex-bff, and i'm getting sued for bad advice!"

"that sucks," burkie noted, then went back to typing.

at that moment, another young man walked into the Pub. "is there a marian elfman here?"

marian stomped her foot and wailed. "not again!"

the man handed her an envelope and hurried out the door again, muttering an apology on his way out.

marian ripped the envelope open, read the contents, and wailed again. "this isn't fair!"

"what is it this time?" sierra asked.

"one of my ex-boyfriends is suing me for a broken heart!"

"how many ex-boyfriends do you have?" taylor wondered.

"i don't know!" marian exclaimed, suddenly alarmed. "burkie?"

their handsome creator stopped typing and tilted his head in thought. "i'm not sure. a baker's dozen?"

"no!"

"actually, that sounds fun," sierra acknowledged.

cardigan agreed. "marian's rogue gallery. we should learn more about them."

"no! i don't want a rogue's gallery!"

the Lurker swung her braids. "they could all have nursery rhyme names, like jack horner and john jacob jingleheimer schmidt."

"i don't want an ex-boyfriend named john jacob jingleheimer schmidt!" marian wailed, yet again.

just then, judge st. bishop stormed into the Pub, his hands over his ears. "no more wailing, please!"

"but your honor, i..."

the judge raised his hand. "i know, but i've thrown out both lawsuits for being frivolous."

"really? oh, thank you!" she ran over to give him a hug.

the judge looked over at burkie. "can one of her exes be named 'wee willie winkie?'"

"done."

"noooooo!!!!"