(Not) The Guns of Will Sonnet

"damn, it's hot!" cardigan announced as he entered the pub. "danny boy, i hope you have something to cool me down."

the man behind the bar poured his friend a Bass. "i've got grilled beef & jicama salad, hoss. it should do the trick."

"you're a good man, mr. blake. don't let anyone tell you different."

cardigan took his beer and walked over to join the regulars. "howdy, y'all."

"hi, gavin." marian didn't look up from her laptop as she greeted him.

"what are you working on, marian?"

"a letter for my column," replied the celebrated author of the advice column "Don't Be So Melodramatic." she began to read out loud:

Dear Marian,

My sister is throwing a birthday party for her son's first birthday. However, my fiance and I are planning to get married that same day. She's asking us to change our wedding date because her son reserved that date when he was born 12 months ago, but we only chose our wedding date 2 months ago. She also believes that because this is my second marriage, I shouldn't make such a big deal out of my wedding, the way i did the first time around. I refuse to switch dates because that is the only time the reception hall we want to use is available. Plus, her son is only 1-year old! He'll never remember this, so it's stupid to have a party in the first place. At the very least, he won't remember it was a week late if they postpone it. What do you think?

Signed,

Fuming Sister, Blushing Bride

"first birthday outweighs second wedding," sierra reasoned. "she had her day in the spotlight."

"that's harsh, charles," cardigan stated. "you can't devalue somebody's marriage just because it's the second time around. the kid can wait a week."

"i don't know," blake mused as he dropped off cardigan's salad. "i've heard that divorce rates for second marriages are even higher than for first marriages. i think a reception hall is a risky investment in a second wedding. they could just go to a pub, instead."

"good point, danny," Mysterious Lurker agreed, reaching back to put her purple hair back in a ponytail. "second weddings should be less about planning and stress, and more about fun and saving money."

"maybe," taylor said thoughtfully. "but come on, a first birthday party? those are for the parents, not the kids. what's a 1-year old going to get out of it? presents that the parents didn't have to buy. i say cancel or postpone the birthday party."

"what do you think, tucker?" linda asked her shaggy-headed boyfriend.

"i agree with taylor," tucker replied, strumming a chord on his guitar. "i'd like to write a song for somebody's wedding."

she listened to the preacher's words
and breathed out her "i do's."
she gazed into her partner' eyes
and stated she did, too.
the preacher said, "you both are bound
together for this life.
may your days be filled with love,
i pronounce you wife and wife."

cardigan raised an eyebrow. "wife and wife? what makes you think it's a same-sex marriage, tucker?"

"well, nothing in the letter, really. but there's bound to be a growing market for same-sex wedding songs, so i'm trying to carve out my niche early."

"hmmm, that's a good point," the Lurker pondered. "there's probably lots of marketing opportunities lurking there, so to speak. how about 'Hers & Hers' monogrammed towels?"

"'Groom & Groom' magazine," sierra suggested.

"drag queen gowns and drag king tuxes," cardigan offered.

go not to seek my father's blessings sweet
for he cannot divine a love so rare
and worry not 'bout all the empty seats
as we exchange our vows in open air
the absence of the priest will not be marked
a stately hall would only block the sun
your elegance may well go unremarked
an organ's pipes will not bellow and hum
and yet this day will live forevermore
within the very fabric of this world
foundations will be shaken to the core
the banner of enlightenment unfurl'd
we will no longer hide nor remain mute
as we declare ourselves an institute

billy shakespeare recited softly as he cleared the dishes from the table.

"bravo!" marian clapped, then scowled at her laptop. "but that doesn't help me with fuming sister, blushing bride."

"you heard shakespeare--love is more important than birthdays, especially first birthdays," cardigan noted.

"i agree," marian nodded decisively. "the sister can more easily change the date of an unimportant first birthday party. besides, she shouldn't be so melodramatic!"