The Wizard of Schnauze

"greetings, all!" gavin cardigan bellowed out as he entered the Pub.

"why are you bellowing?" danny blake asked from behind the bar as he poured a Guinness for his best customer.

cardigan shrugged. "i don't know. burkie's probably trying out new verbs."

danny handed him his pint. "well, fortunately for us, burkie has me cooking a hearty beef stew with sourdough bread today, so don't be too hard on him."

"i can't promise anything." cardigan took his stout over to join the others, breaking into a grin. "hi, foxy!"

foxy charles gave him a warm smile. "hi, gavin. you're looking well."

he nodded. "i'm feeling pretty well, too. what brings you here tonight?"

she glanced over at her sister sierra, who scowled. "i'm here to introduce sierra's date."

"another one?" he winked at sierra. "you get around, charles!"

"i have nothing to do with it! it's burkie's stupid contest. his sister gets to run my life now, it seems."

marian elfman gave her a disapproving look. "don't be so melodramatic! you might actually like this one."

"wanna bet?"

"no. you'd try even harder to not like him then."

taylor young looked up. "my enhanced hearing tells me the front door just opened. maybe that's him!"

marian rolled her eyes. "i heard it, too, taylor. your hearing isn't enhanced."

they all looked expectantly toward the front, only to deflate as burkie and special assistant hepzibah walked in.

Mysteriously Lurker suddenly appeared and hmph'd. "we thought you were sierra's date."

s.a. hepzibah shook her head. "no, but he should be here soon."

sierra asked, "did you bring your autograph book? is this one famous, too?"

foxy shook her head. "no...well, not like jacob. this one is more of, uh, an F-list celebrity," she added, looking away from her sister, who was a well-established D-list celebrity.

"how do you know him anyway?"

"through burkie's sister," foxy explained. "i've never met him, but she wrote and told me about him, suggesting he'd make a good match for sierra, so i contacted him and he agreed to come meet her."

"you've never met him?" sierra looked alarmed. "he might be amish, or a leprechaun, or have a tail!"

"an amish leprechaun with a tail," gavin mused. "burkie, can i enter the next contest?"

"door," taylor nodded toward the front again.

they held their breath, listening to the footsteps. when judge st. bishop entered the room accompanied by benjamin franklin, there was more than a little disappointment--along with relief on the part of sierra--in the collective exhale.

"what are you two doing here?"

the Pub's resident founding father beamed. "we've just come from the cinema where we saw Avatar. what an extraordinary experience!"

danny looked at the judge in suprise as he dropped off cardigan's food. "you took him to the movies, your honor? i thought you didn't like exposing him to modern technology."

"that ship is so far from shore that it it would get lost if it tried to turn around," answered the judge with a shrug as he and sierra helped themselves to cardigan's sourdough bread. "life's too short to get too worked up over things i can't control."

cardigan pointed, er, pointedly at his empty bread basket. "danny, a refill here? and might as well bring some stew for the judge and mr. franklin."

"vampire's lives aren't short," taylor noted with pride.

"we're fictional," cardigan reminded them. "we're not alive in the first place. except for mr. franklin, of course, and he's dead."

"i am not dead, dammit!"

"door," taylor informed them.

they turned again and saw the back of a man who approached danny at the bar.

"hey, it smells great in here! beef stew, right?" the man said jovially. "with potatoes, carrots, some red wine, a couple of bay leaves, and some dried thyme? and sourdough bread, unless i'm very much mistaken."

danny looked uncharacteristically flustered. "um, yeah. yeah, you're right. exactly right, as matter of...of fact."

the man nodded. "i'm never wrong! it smells great. may i have an order, please?"

"sure, yeah. uh, sure. no problem. i, uh, will bring it over shortly."

the man turned from danny and walked toward them wearing a friendly smile. "i hope this is the right place. i'm looking for foxy charles? my name is stoney karr."

foxy's bright smile began to fade as the newcomer approached them. he had a medium build, jet black hair, and piercing greens set on a ruggedly handsome face. ruggedly handsome, that is, except for the fact that his nose had three nostrils.

"oh, uh, i'm foxy," she replied, then hurriedly indicated her sister. "this is sierra, stoney."

he extended a hand. "hi, sierra. i've heard a lot about you. it's a pleasure to meet you in the flesh. i'm a big fan of your work in zz top videos."

sierra gripped his hand briefly. "oh, uh, thank you, stoney. uh....i understand that you're celebrity yourself?"

he took the seat next to her. "not really. i was a contestant on Who Wants To Be The Next Food Network Star. i didn't win, though."

"oh, well, show business can be like that. it's not always about talent, you knows--you know, i mean." sierra looked to caridgan for help.

cardigan looked just as uncomfortable. "so, uh, stoney. you're a chef? what is your specialty?"

"i was blessed with an extraordinary sense of taste and smell," stoney explained, not at all uncomfortable. "my gimmick on the show was bachelor meals, or cooking for one."

"that, uh, sounds like a good niche," danny noted as he delivered more food to the table. "cooking for one isn't easy."

stoney shrugged as he reached for some bread. "that was my thought, but i guess i must have come off as pathetic. i mean, who wants to see some poor shmuck cook for himself night after night?"

"oh, i'm sure nosebody would think that," sierra interjected, then cringed. "nobody, i mean. nobody would think that."

"so, do you work as a chef here in san francisco, stoney?" the Lurker asked him.

he nodded, waiting until he swallowed a mouthful of stew before answering. "yes, i've been the head chef over at Verona for about a year."

"Verona?" cardigan looked over at sierra. "that's how we met, charles. remember? your ex-client/boyfriend was the chef there when he was murdered!"

"james livermore?" stoney looked at sierra. "you dated livermore? wow, small world, huh?"

"did you knows---know him?"

stoney shook his head. "no, i never met him. i know him by reputation. everybody loved that guy." his looked at sierra sympathetically. "i'm sorry for your loss."

"oh, we weren't really dating," sierra replied. "we were just getting to knows each other--i mean, know each other, when that happened."

stoney reached over and squeezed her shoulder. "i knows you're uncomfortable, sierra. it's okay." his smile was reassuring and friendly. "i've been trying to live up to james livermore at work for the past year. i really don't want to have to do that in my private life, too. just friends?" he extended his hand.

sierra smiled in relief and shook his hand. "friends it is."

stoney stood. "it's been a pleasure to meet you all. foxy, thanks for everything."

"you're welcome, stoney. it was nice meeting you, too."

cardigan nodded. "don't be a stranger, okay? we'll save a seat for you."

after he walked out, sierra noted, "you know, he really is a nice guy."

marian agreed. "and he cooks! unlike some boyfriends i could name." she turned toward taylor as she said this, scrunching up her face in annoyance.

taylor shrugged. "i don't have to cook. we eat here."

"maybe you should give him a chance, charles," cardigan suggested.

"he had three nostrils! i couldn't stop looking at them! i couldn't stop talking about them!"

"i knows," the others said in unison.

as the great english dramatist came to bus the table, sierra turned to him and asked, "what do you think, shakespeare?"

"that which we call a nose by any other name would smell as sweet."

judge st. bishop groaned. "how long have you had that one in your pocket, waiting to bring it out at just the right moment?"

shakespeare grinned at the judge and exchanged a high five with burkie.


Author's Note: my sister kelly created the character (except for a couple of embelishments on my part)--and the name--of stoney karr. any resemblence between stoney karr and anybody else, whether they be named stoney or karr or anything near that, is coincidental. or, it's kelly's fault. :)