Horsing Around

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and waved to his friend, publican danny blake.

"danny boy, you're looking at a hungry man! i hope you've got something for me."

danny nodded as he poured a beer. "as a matter of fact, i made the hungry man's special today: dr. pepper ribs."

"sounds intriguing. better give me a double portion so i can have a more informed opinion on whether i like 'em."

"you got it, hoss," danny handed him the beer. "i'll bring 'em over in a minute."

gavin walked back to join his friends at the back of the pub. there was sierra, gnawing on her last rib, a messy plateful of meatless bones in front of her; marian, pecking at her laptop; Mysterious Lurker and her apprentice ava reinier discussing the finer points of lurking; tucker trying out a new finger-picking technique while humming softly; linda nulo reading "the 16 personality types: descriptions for self-discovery"; and taylor perusing the help wanted ads. "well, here's a somber group!"

"hey cardigan!" sierra greeted him. "and for the record, i do not gnaw."

"there are tooth grooves in your bones," cardigan pointed out.

"taylor probably picked them up and added those when i was done with them," sierra huffed. "and for the record, i do not huff, either."

"i prefer flesh to bones," taylor said, without looking up. "and i'm looking for a job, not eating."

"really?" cardigan was intrigued. "what kind of jobs are fake vampires qualified for?"

"for the record, i'm an alternative vampire, not a fake one. as for jobs, that's what i'm trying to figure out." he circled an ad and turned to marian and asked, "ducky, think i could be a personal trainer?"

"no."

"how about a fireman?"

"no."

"how about a--"

"no."

"you didn't let me finish!"

"i'm trying to concentrate. i'm writing a children's book!"

"really? what's it about?" danny asked as he delivered a pile of fragrant ribs to cardigan.

"it's about a sea horse named dudley who wants to race in the kentucky derby," marian explained.

"how does he manage that?" sierra inquired as she sneaked a rib off of cardigan's plate, earning a glare from the private investigator.

"he makes a deal with a horse who wants to fly, and a horse fly who wants to swim. so, dudley gives his gills to the horse fly, who gives his wings to the horse, who gives his legs to the sea horse," marian beamed, obviously quite pleased with her cleverness.

"the wings of a horse fly can't possibly handle the weight of a fully grown horse," linda noted.

"and a racehorse's legs are about, oh, ten thousand times larger than a sea horse's body," taylor remarked, earning a scrunched-up face from marian that implied i'll deal with your lack of support later. "um...unless...um...it's a giant sea horse, which it probably is, right?" he added, hopefully.

"no, he's not a giant sea horse," marian grumbled. "this is a children's book. the story doesn't have to make sense; it just has to be fun!"

cardigan sucked some sticky dr. pepper sauce from his fingers. "okay, i'll buy that. but is dudley a good name for a racehorse? i don't think i'd bet on a horse named dudley. it sounds like a--"

"dud," ava finished.

"but it's a kid-friendly name," marian argued. "you can't use names like secretariat or man o' war in a children's book."

"actually, man o' war would be a good name since a portuguese man of war is also a sea creature," the Lurker mused.

"that's confusing," sierra shook her head. "a sea horse-turned-racehorse named after a jellyfish that's called a man. that makes my head hurt."

"so does dudley win the race?"

"you'll have to buy a copy of the book and find out for yourself!" marian replied, smugly (one might say).

"you mean you're not going to give us a copy? hmph." sierra said sulkily (one might say).

"you can afford to buy a children's book. you're a celebrity!" marian remonstrated (honestly, she remonstrated right there in front of everybody. it was rather a sight to behold). "the bestseller list is based on sales, not giveaways."

"who's going to draw the book?" cardigan asked quickly, trying to get past all the remonstrating.

"how about my friend Ward?" ava suggested.

cardigan pointed at marian's boyfriend. "how about taylor? he's looking for a job."

"do sea horses have fangs?" taylor looked interested.

"no," marian shuddered. "what about you, linda? can you draw?"

"hmmm, let's see. if i score ISFP on the MBTI, then i will be considered artistic," linda stated hopefully. "but," she consulted another book. "if i'm an aries, then i'm not likely to have the patience to be an artist. on the other hand," she pulled out another book, "if i was born in the chinese year of the sheep, i'm probably very artistic."

"wait a minute," cardigan interrupted. "isn't aries represented by a ram or a sheep? shouldn't aries and year of the sheep equal the same thing?"

"ram did mar," ava declared.

"i don't think we can really figure people out based on the moon and stars," sierra philosophised. "what do you think, shakespeare?"

the balding dramatist had arrived to collect plates of bones. "'is it not strange that sheep's guts could hail souls out of men's bodies?"

"i bet i could draw that!" taylor grinned.

"no!"