Snapshots: Faith Off

"father leo, do you believe in god?"

the portly priest gave his volunteer help a small smile.  "it's a job requirement, i'm afraid.  why do you ask, lily?"

the 16-year old girl didn't answer.  she ran her feather duster around the inside pane of the church's stained glass window depicting jesus walking on water before asking another question.  "can you serve the church without believing in god?"

a fair question, he thought, and he might have answered no in his more zealous novitiate days.  now in his third decade as a parish priest, his own faith was as strong as ever but he was more accommodating about how faith manifests itself.  lily herself was an interesting case study in faith.  she truly loved the church, but seemed indifferent to The Church.  she always volunteered to help pull weeds, dust, paint, file, or anything else that needed to be done.  when not helping, she would often spend time around the parish reading books, doing homework, drawing, or simply talking to him.  he didn't mind; he quite enjoyed her company.  indeed, she had become a good friend, as odd as that may seem and as...unseemly...as that may be for a catholic priest.

however, as much time as she spent at church, she only went through the motions during mass, and on those rare occasions when she went to confession, she only confessed that it had been a long time since her last confession.  there were many adjectives one could apply to lily dupree: intelligent, serious, beautiful, industrious, curious, generous.  however, the one that father leo always thought of first was guarded.  except for sophie and mack, she never let anybody too close, not even him.  not even god, he suspected.

"you're serving the church now, lily.  do you believe in god?"

"i don't know, father.  sometimes, i'm not even sure i want to believe."

father leo felt he had just witnessed a miracle--lily dupree answered a direct question.  her answer, as he would expect, was honest though it made him sad to hear a 16-year old say this.  "why do you spend so much time here, lily?  are you trying to find god?"

"no.  you say that god exists everywhere.  if that's true, i shouldn't have to try to find him, either at church or anywhere else."

he suppressed a grimace.  he always had to be at the top of his game with her.

"most 16-year olds are with their friends on saturday nights or out on a date, not sweeping and dusting a moldy old church with their fat parish priest."

"you're as much my friend as anyone at school, and i have no interest in hanging out at the mall.  as for boys," she shook her head.  "they're so dull."

father leo laughed.  "you have a point, there."

"and it's not a moldy old church!" she scolded him.  "it's beautiful, and fascinating.  houses and stores are built as rectangles, to maximize functional space within, with external visual aspects such as gables or columns added as an afterthought.  here," she swung her arm around, "it's not about functional space.  it's about inspiration.  look how high the ceiling is!  and the stories told in the stained glass windows!  it's like being inside of a painting."

the priest smiled at her outburst of passion.  "so you come here for inspiration!  how are you inspired?  do you want to be an architect?"

she didn't answer right away.  she placed a finger on the window and began tracing a small crack in the stained glass.  "i used to want to build things.  i wanted to be an architect or engineer and design big things like skyscrapers or bridges.  now...i'm more interested in preserving than creating.  i want to study restoration architecture, especially church restoration."  she tilted her head at the window.  "and i'd like to learn how to make and repair stained glass windows, too.  do you think i could work for the church as a restoration architect?"

father leo raised an eyebrow.  lily was, uncharacteristically, revealing a lot about herself, though each answer generated even more questions.  he hoped his luck (not that he believed in luck) would hold out and she'd continue to answer.  "i think that is a fascinating and worthy field of study, lily, and there is certainly a demand. after all, the church has been building churches and missions and monasteries and convents for centuries.  but, why is it important to you, especially if you don't believe in god, or even want to believe in god?"

she sat in a pew, frowning at the frayed edge of the thin cushion there.  "a church represents more than spirituality, father.  it also represents sanctuary.  it's a place where you're always welcome and safe, no matter who you are, what you do, or what you believe.  it's always here for you.  yes, there is inspiration here, but there's also comfort, peace, and salvation.  i want to preserve that."

he smiled at her choice of words.  "and you believe you can do that, do you?"

"yes." 

"i believe you can, too.  now, let's go back to something you said said, earlier.  god exists everywhere.  that means he exists in you, too, lily.  and if you believe in yourself, you believe in god."

she didn't buy it.  "but you're the one who believes god exists inside me, so that only means that you believe in god."

he shrugged.  "perhaps you're right; you're smarter than i am.  let's put it another way.  you believe in yourself, but you also believe that this simple building--or the concepts that this simple building represent--can inspire peace, salvation, and even spirituality.  you have faith, lily.  belief in god is a subset of that.  your desire to serve a church built on faith is not inappropriate."

she gave him a mischievous grin.  "does that mean i can be a priest?"

"i'm not getting into that with you again, young lady.  now, back to work!"