Good Help Is Hard To Find

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub and greeted his friend danny blake behind the bar.

"what's on the menu tonight, danny?"

"flank steak with bloody mary salad," danny replied as he poured a Guinness for his best customer.

"you make living worthwhile, you know that?"

"are we living?" danny asked as he handed cardigan his pint.  "i thought we were just written."

cardigan grimaced.  "haven't i told you not to bring that up?  it's bad for my blood pressure."

"but we don't have blood pressure."

"fine.  in that case, throw a fried egg on top of my steak.  it has no effect whatsoever on my font pressure."

cardigan walked back to join his friends and found marian talking to her laptop.

"carlotta, find me a travel package to new zealand this fall."

"you named your laptop carlotta?"  cardigan asked.

marian shook her head.  "no, it's a Computer-Assisted Research program, version 2.0.  you know how people interact with their cars' GPS systems?  you tell the GPS where you're trying to go and the GPS tells you how to get there?  well, CAR applies the same concept toward doing research on the internet.  you tell her what you're looking for and she tells you what she's found, so you don't have to run a bunch of queries in a search engine.  i call mine carlotta.  she's a real time saver.  and she's cute, too!"

marian turned her screen to face cardigan and he saw a bubble with expressive eyes and  mischievous lips.  the expression, however, was one of annoyance.  marian noticed, frowned, and said, "what's wrong, carlotta?"

the eyes drew in slightly and the lips began to speak.  "i'm engrossed in a novel and you come along and order me around without so much as a please.  wtf?!"

marian matched her program's face of annoyance.  "carlotta, would you please find an affordable 2-week vacation package to new zealand this fall for taylor and me?  if it's not too much trouble, that is."

carlotta's eyes looked upward to the left, then to the right, as if considering.  "sure thing, boss!"

marian sighed.  "people complained that version 1.0 didn't have any personality.  they may have over-corrected with 2.0."

"i heard that!"  marian winced as carlotta yelled at her.

"ducky, why can't we go to romania?"  taylor young, marian's boyfriend with vampire characteristics, wanted to know.  "you got to choose where we went on our last vacation, and i'd wager that romania is cheaper than new zealand."

taylor opened up his PDA and said, "carpathia, be a dear and find a nice 2-week vacation package for marian and me this fall in transylvania, preferably in a castle.  thanks!"

"you can count on me, count!" came the flirtatious reply from taylor's device.

"carpathia?  let me see that," marian took taylor's PDA and saw carlotta's eyes and lips, the latter sporting two fangs.

"i got the same program, but chose the avatar with fangs," taylor informed her.  "she's highly customizable."

"that drippy twilight-wannabe version of me doesn't know a search engine from a fire engine," carlotta huffed from marian's laptop.  "i found a fabulous package for you: air from san francisco to auckland, rental car, and a book of vouchers good for 3-star hotels all over the country for two people for a grand total of $3500.  beat that, vampirella!"

"very amusing," carpathia retorted.  "i've got roundtrip air to bucharest, rail travel to transylvania, luxury accommodations in a haunted castle with breakfast included for $3200!"

"hmph.  how do you define luxury in transylvania?  the rats wear tuxedos?"

"stop it, you two!" marian scolded the programs.  "taylor and i will have to discuss this."

danny came over to drop off cardigan's meal.  "i've never not regretted not having a computer as much in my life," he muttered.

gavin had to roll that triple negative over in his mind a few times before comprehending danny's meaning.  "yeah, i know what you mean.  though i have to admit, this is rather entertaining."

"is there a male version of carlotta?" sierra wondered.  "it might be fun having a carlos at my beck and call."

marian shook her head.  "the male version has bugs."

"more like fleas," carlotta added with a chuckle.

carpathia giggled.  "and the disembodied mustache is creepy."

"even creepier than fangs," carlotta noted.

"hey, my fangs are sexy!"

"well, you have a point there.  or two.  ha!"

"carlotta, don't you have a book to read?" marian sounded exasperated.  "and carpathia, shouldn't you be in a coffin or something?  i'm sure it's daylight in transylvania."

"hmph."

"hmph."

"when does version 3.0 come out?" sierra inquired.

"i don't know.  i'm a little scurred," marian admitted.