Castoffs: Lord of the Things

"you're late."

the young hobbit folded his arms, addressing the grizzled old man with as stern a face as he could manage.

"a wizard is never late, Dando Blakins" Bendalf replied, peering down at the hobbit through his half-moon spectacles. "remember, early to bed and early to rise keeps a wizard healthy, wealthy, and wise."

Dando smirked. "as i said, you're late."

the two began laughing and embraced. "it's wonderful to see you, Bendalf!"

"you don't think i'd miss your Uncle Wilbo's birthday, do you? how is the old rascal?"

"you know Wilbo: when he's not reciting poetry and telling tall tales, he's writing that play of his."

"ah, yes. The Merry Wives of Hobbiton. i can't imagine who will watch it," Bendalf shook his head.

Dando pulled the wizard down the road. "let's go. the party's already started!"

they approached a large tree in the middle of a clearing that already had dozens of hobbits milling about. there were various Blakinses. Chubbs, Grubbs, Hornblowers, Mugworts, Proudfoots, and Sullivans, among other distant relations. Wilbo was standing directly under the tree and appeared to be reciting one of his sonnets. as they grew nearer, though, they saw him fidgeting,

"and so, while eleventyone years is too short of a time to spend among such excellent hobbits," Wilbo looked around and spotted Dando and gave him a little smile. "this is the end. adieu! I have too grieved a heart to take a tedious leave."

with the final word, Wilbo disappeared before their eyes, prompting an audible gasp from the crowd, followed by a moment of stunned silence, followed by the wagging of tongues by every Blakins, Chubb, Grubb, Hornblower, Mugwort, Proudfoot, and Sullivan. Dando turned toward the wizard.

"Bendalf, i don't un--"

the wizard, too, had vanished.

Wilbo reappeared inside his own hobbit hole at Pub End, chuckling as he put a thing back in his pocket.

"i suppose you think that was terribly clever," Bendalf admonished him, stepping into the room.

"it was just a bit of fun, Bendalf," Wilbo explained, then sighed. "hmph. i suppose you know best, as usual. now, bid me farewell, i'm off to see the elves! i'm leaving everything behind to Dando."

"everything?" Bendalf raised an eyebrow. "even this thing of yours?"

"yes...well, no. now that it comes to it, i don't want to part with it. it's mine. my precious."

"precious?" Bendalf looked unruffled but a chill ran down his spine. "it's been called that before, but not by you. i think you had better leave it behind, Wilbo."

Wilbo looked defiant. "o villainy! ho! let the door be lock'd. treachery! seek it out!"

"Wilbo Blakins!" bendalf now loomed darkly over the cowering hobbit. "do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks! i'm not here to rob you; i'm here to help you."

the wizard's tone softened and he knelt down before his wooly-footed friend. "trust me as you once did. let it go. let it go."

Wilbo nodded. "you're right, Bendalf."

he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the thing and stared at it. drawing on deeper wells of resolve than a hobbit would appear to have, he turned his hand over and let the thing drop to the floor. with a sigh of relief he stepped through the door. "adieu, Bendalf! i have too grieved--"

"i've heard it already, Wilbo. goodbye!"

Dando came rushing in several minutes later and found Bendalf staring at the thing on the floor. "Bendalf! is Wilbo gone?"

"yes, he's gone to visit the elves."

"is that Wilbo's thing?" Danbo asked, pointing at the floor.

"yes, he left it for you, and all of Pub End," Bendalf told him. "now, cast the thing into the fire. quickly!"

Dando looked startled but did as he was told. after several moments, Bendalf retrieved the thing with a pair of tongs and placed it in Dando's hand. "do you see any markings on it?"

Dando looked at it curiously. "no. wait...yes, there is something written here, in some form of elvish. i cannot read the script, though."

Bendalf sighed. "there are few who can. here is what it says in the common tongue:

One Thing to rule them all, One Thing to find them,
One Thing to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

this," Bendalf stated with finality, "this is the one thing that the Mysterious Lord Lurkon made ages ago. she's trying to find it again and cover the world in a second darkness, but she must not find it. you must take it to Eljudge in Rivendell and seek his counsel."

"me? alone!? but where are you going?"

"to see Shakalakoman. she is the head of my order and very wise. she'll know what to do." Bendalf paused. "and you need not go alone."

he gave a shrill whistle and then called out, "S.A.M., you come in now. i know you're hiding out there!"

the front door opened and Dando's Special Assistant Marigold walked in, redfaced.

"i'm sorry, Mr. Dando. i didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"S.A.M., you are to go with Mr. Dando to Rivendell and visit the elves. don't you leave him!"

a few minutes later, they scampered off on their separate missions: Bendalf to the south, Dando and S.A.M. to the east.

as Dando & S.A.M. were traipsing through the Shire, they ran into their friends Nippin and Sierry.

"Sierry! Nippin!" Dando said in surprise. "what are you doing out here?"

"heading home from Wilbo's party, of course!" Sierry told them. "what are you doing?"

"we're...wait," Dando raised his hand and whispered. "do you hear something? let's get off the road."

the four hobbits scurried off the road behind a large tree and saw an evil, large horse clopping down the road with a large hooded figure in black on its back, turning his head to the left and right as if searching for something or someone, a sinister-looking dart gun at his side. the hobbits didn't stir until he was far down the road.

"was it a bat i saw?" Nippin asked.

"i don't know," Dando said slowly. "but i think it was searching for me. S.A.M. and i have to leave the Shire. we're going to Rivendell. can you help us?"

"sure," Sierry replied merrily. "we're going on an adventure, Nippin."

"yay!"

Sierry lead them all through an old forest. halfway through, they head a clear voice sing out to them.

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!"

the hobbits turned to see a handsome, bearded man beckoning.

"who are you?" S.A.M asked.

"Old Tom Burkiedil is a merry fellow;
Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow."

"and what are you doing here?" Sierry asked as she swiped an apple from Tom's bag.

"a lot of people were upset that i wasn't in the movie. also, i wanted to tell you to take some massive short cuts with the story. you can't fit three books into a single blog posting!"

Dando nodded. "right, thanks, Tom Burkiedil, Tom Burkiedillo!"

with that, the hobbits ran to the town of Bree and went to Poor Yorick's Pub for a deja vu-ish beer. while there, a tall man stared at them, Dando slipped and accidentally used the thing and vanished. when he realized what had happened, he put the thing back in his pocket and the tall man grabbed him and lectured him about being careful.

"who are you, then?" S.A.M. demanded.

"i am Cardagorn, and old friend of Bendalf and the rightful king of Gondor, and i'm the only hope you've got to get to Rivendell. i know what's after you."

"those black darters? what are they?"

"they're the Thingwaits. they wait around for the thing to be found. you don't want to mess with them. now, let's go!"

they traveled toward Rivendell. on the way, they are ambushed by five black darters. Cardagorn was able to fight all five of them off with just an old sword and a wooden torch, even though later one of them would almost single-handedly destroy the largest citadel in the west and an entire legion. still, one of the darters managed to get off a shot that struck Dando and made him very sick. they hastened to Rivendell and got there just in time for Eljudge to heal Dando.

"that was a close one," Bendalf told him as he awoke.

"Bendalf, what happened?"

"i was captured by Shakalakoman, who has turned evil and joined with the Mysterious Lord Lurkon. i only just escaped thanks to daring and cunning, and not a little luck."

"Bendalf, Dando," Eljudge called to them. "time for the Council of Eljudge."

they attended the Council and learned all about the history of the thing.

"but how did the hobbit Wilbo wind up with it?" the elf Legaylor asked in astonishment, revealing his fangs.

"oh, well i was stumbling around the dark in a cave in the Misty Mountains. my hand landed on the thing. this creature named Nullom accused me of stealing it and tried to kill me. in escaping, i discovered that the thing makes me invisible. it has proved to be quite useful!" Wilbo, who was also in Rivendell, explained.

"now what?" asked Tuckomir, a man from Gondor who carried a large sword and a guitar.

"we must destroy it," Eljudge told them. "one of you must take this thing and cast it into the fiery chasm of Mount Doom whence it came!"

"by one of us, you don't mean an elf, do you?" Gimlian the dwarf maiden asked. "never trust an elf!"

there was an argument until finally Dando reluctantly agreed to take the thing. a fellowship of all free folk was born: Dando, S.A.M., Nippin, Sierry, Bendalf, Cardagorn, Tuckomir, Legaylor, and Gimlian.

Eljudge's daughter Foxwen kissed Cardagorn and told him to be careful and not get his fool-ass killed.

"now, one last thing before you go," Eljudge told them. "burkie's real objective with this story is complete: he has introduced all of his characters into their roles in this story. put his readers out of their misery and end this thing by, er, ending the thing!"

the fellowship huddled up, putting their hands together and with a "one, two, three!" they all cheered, "for burkie's readers!"

they went out and, while there was drama and death and even elven-dwarven romance along the way, they ultimately defeated the Mysterious Lord Lurkon and her minion Shakalakoman, and most of them lived happily ever after, to the end of their days.