Wikipubia

"good evening, everybody!" cardigan called out as he entered the pub.

"gavin," danny blake nodded in greeting as he poured a beer.

"what's on the menu tonight, danny?"

"chilaquiles."

cardigan breathed in deeply. "remind me to thank burkie for bringing me here tonight."

"cardigan, come on over here and help us out," sierra called him over.

"what's up? oh, hi hepzibah."

"hello, gavin," special assistant hepzibah replied from behind the laptop she was sharing with marian. "we're creating a wiki for the pub."

"a wiki? why?"

"to help people keep track of what's going on here, who's who, who's sleeping with whom, all that stuff. burkie blogs so infrequently that people might forget what's going on, so they can always go to the wiki tag to get the lowdown," marian explained, a little smugly.

"it was marian's idea," taylor pointed out.

"uh huh," caridgan muttered, taking a sip. "i guess it's not a bad idea at that. burkie probably needs it the most. he probably makes the Lurker's hair change color to spare himself the effort of remembering what color it is."

"let's get started," marian stated.

CAST

gavin cardigan - a private detective with a welsh name. single. harbors negative feelings toward burkie because of his single status. may be pursuing a relationship with mayoral assistant kim park. alas, it didn't work out. as usual.

danny blake - owner/chef/bartender of Poor Yorick's Pub. only serves bass ale and guinness stout. cooks and serves only one food item per day, depending on what he feels like making. single, though there are hints that he may be in a relationship with the Mysterious Lurker. his name was originally donnie craig, but he had to change it.

sierra charles - a D-list celebrity who appears on lame reality shows and obscure advertising campaigns. big break was in a zz top video, dancing in a cage. single, though her mother and others try to set her up with nice young men. she seems to find a flaw with every one of them. allegedly has a thing for vampires and those with pointy ears. often seen stealing food from cardigan's plate.

marian elfman - syndicated columnist who writes an advice column called "don't be so melodramatic!" in a committed relationship with taylor young. known to make interesting faces. likes to make spreadsheets. rumored to have had a baker's dozen of ex-boyfriends with nursery rhyme names.

taylor young - a vampire of limited and rather dubious disctinction. can grow impressive fangs, but that's about all. clumsy. in a committed relationship with marian elfman. has decided that he's british, from Stow-on-the-Wold in the cotswolds region.

Mysterious Lurker - a lurker with mysterious qualities, such as changing her hair & eye color at will, as well as tattoos, and has even demonstrated the ability to do the same for cardigan welsh corgis. appears and disappears suddenly. reads tarot cards and has been known to help cardigan in his work in this way. may be in a relationship with danny blake.

tucker - a singer/songwriter/guitar player. performs at times in the pub. can write a song on almost any subject at the drop of a hat, but they don't always receive positive reviews. in a relationship with linda nulo. unknown if tucker is his first or last or only name.

linda nulo - tucker's girlfriend. a texan. has been known to complain about a lack of character development. recently discovered that she's a 3-time barrel racing champion.

judge st. bishop - a judge. often has a stormy entrance, alarmed that burkie's blatant disregard for history could cause irreparable harm to the space-time continuum. has discerning tastes and is a big fan of danny's cooking. his relationship status is unknown.

the black darter (dat rhaymes) - a would-be vigilante who shoots villians with darts through a blowgun of limited range. a figure of snickering rather than praise at this point. his day job is doing research for the local newspaper. doubtlessly single.

benjamin franklin - founding father, colonial rennaisance man. randomly appears in the pub, but nobody knows how or why. he is not dead. philadelphia eagles fan. enjoys playing the Wii.

foxy charles - a professor of sociology. sierra's little sister. co-writing a book with burkie about popular american culture, aimed toward immigrants and first generation americans. single, but known to make cardigan go weak in the knees.

monte - a cardigan welsh corgi. formerly belonged to the mayor, now belongs to the pub. an accomplished pizza chef.

william shakespeare - elizabethan dramatist and poet, arguably the greatest writer that the english language has ever known. currently working as a busboy in the pub.

spock - a vulcan with pointy ears and no sense of humor. a former busboy in the pub.

buddy lee - a creepy baby doll that wears denim jeans and flannel shirts. a former busboy in the pub. rumored to be in a relationship with lucy liu.

geoffrey pompousass - a pompous ass. former busboy in the pub. relationship status unknown, but there's somebody for everyone, right?

special assistant (s.a.) hepzibah - burkie's special assistant. she seems to have a crush on officer shakalaka.

sgt. tarboom (boom-boom) shakalaka - a police officer who is suspicious of the Mysterious Lurker's mysterious ways. she seems to have an unsettling effect on s.a. hepzibah.

maddog - a friend of burkie's who bakes. married to chris.

chris - maddog's indulgent husband. likes good beer.

angel - a vampire of distinction, friend of taylor's. single.

burkie - their handsome creator. well, he didn't create maddog or chris. or benjamin franklin. or shakespeare. or spock or buddy lee, but he created everyone else. they are all fictional, obviously. fictional!

ava reinier - burkie's friend ava. she tends to speak in palindromes. appears to be single.

otis - a friend of danny's. nothing more is known about him.

belinda starre - her friends call her belle. to say anything more would be a spoiler.

sean IX (sean the ninth) - a man of more than 30 years and red hair who has a rather overinflated opinion of both himself and t.s. eliot, and no doubt many other subjects.

sierra's dates: the rubberband man, the muppet guy, the crooner, jacob black, stoney case, horace humboldt.

juliet charles - brother (given name julius) of sierra and foxy. as julius, a personal trainer by day. as crossdressing juliet at night and on weekends, performs in a mermaid show.

marian's exes - j³ (given name is john jacob jingleheimer schmidt); wee willie winkie; cole king (given name is king cole).

the witches - three crones who occupy another corner of the Pub and closely follow the shenanigans of cardigan & company: Pearl, an elderly asian woman; Esmerelda, an elderly hispanic woman; and Ruby, an elderly white woman.

the ghost of christmas present - resident ghost. apparently has great abs.

lily - danny blake's long-lost twin sister. her name was annie before they were separated at age 10.

lucy - danny and lily's aunt (their mother's sister).  her name used to be brenda.

mack - a black truck driver who became lily's savior. she calls him uncle mack.

sophie - mack's wife. she's half-black, half-white. she and mack raise lily in their home outside new orleans.

archibald knemesis - burkie's arch nemesis.

father leo - catholic priest at St. Barbara's Catholic Church in New Orleans.  a friend to lily.

dash chandler - an elderly man who suffers amnesia.  works part-time for cardigan.

rabbi ori - an old rabbi who plays chess with young danny blake.

carlotta - a Computer-Assisted Research program, version 2.0.  an animated program with personality, she assists marian in performing internet research.  a vampire version, carpathia, assists taylor.

marian and hepzibah exchanged a high-five. "we're done!"

cardigan dug into his chilaquiles. "i didn't realize we were so pathetic."

sierra nodded in agreement. "i feel more like a K-list celebrity."

shakespeare walked over to collect plates. "how do you think i feel? like a dull actor now, i have forgot my part, and i am out, even to a full disgrace."

"i'll drink to that," cardigan drained his pint.