Turning Back the Crock

The dark ruins of a tavern. In the middle, a crockpot boiling. Thunder.

Enter the three Witches.

Pearl:  ruby, a crockpot?!

Ruby:  pearl, don't start with me, you ol' bitty!  cauldrons are heavy, and fires are a nuiscance.  we're lucky that danny's crockpot survived the explosion.

Pearl:  watch who you call an old bitty, you old bitty!

Esmerelda:  stop bickering you two!  we have to get this rrright in order to save the Pub.

Ruby:  Thrice the shaggy dog hath barked.

       Pearl:  Thrice and once, the hedge-pig marked.

       Emerelda:  Harrrpier harks:—'tis time! 'tis time!

       Ruby:  Round about the crockpot go;

    In the poison'd entrails throw.—

    Toad, that under cold stone,

    Days and nights has thirty-one;

    Swelter'd venom sleeping got,

    Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!

       ALL:  Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Pearl:  Fillet of a fenny snake,

    In the caldron boil and bake;

    Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

    Wool of bat, and tongue of dog--

Ruby:  uh, Pearl?  the Pub was named after a dog.  let's be a little more sensitive, shall we?

Pearl:  hmph.  just a minute...

[Pearl exits and returns shortly with a tattered bag.  she sets it down, rummages around inside, and brings forth a slender jar.  "just the thing!" she proclaims as she unscrews the lid and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]

      Pearl: Wool of bat, and tongue of hog,

    Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,

    Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,—

    For a charm of powerful trouble,

    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

       ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Esmerelda:  Scale of drrragon; tooth of wolf;

    Witches' mummy; maw and gulf

    Of the rrravin'd salt-sea shark;

    Rrroot of hemlock digg'd i the dark;

    Liver of blaspheming Jew--

Ruby:  uh, Esmerelda?  we don't denigrate Jews here.  please find something more Politically Correct.

[Esmerelda rolls her eyes, then reaches into Pearl's bag to search through various jars, vials, bags, boxes, and Ziploc bags.  finally brings forth one of those old 35mm film canisters, opens it, and dumps the contents into the crockpot.]

      Esmerelda:  Liver of the myopic mr. magoo,

   Gall of goat, and slips of yew

    Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;

    Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips--

Ruby:  ahem...

[Esmerelda swears and searches in the bag again, pulloing out two boxes and dumping the innards into the crockpot]

      Emerelda:  Nose of Jerk, wax candy lips;

    Finger of birth-strangled babe--

Ruby:  Esmerelda!!!

Esmerelda:  dammit, Ruby, i didn't wrrrite this stuff!  talk to shakespeare! 

[searches the bag again, finally noting with a hmph "there's nothing in here that rhymes with babe."]

[Pearl points out that the next actually ends with the word "drab" and asks if there is something that rhymes with that.]

[Esmerelda nods and pulls out a huge crustacean.]

Emerelda:  Claw of local Dungeness crrrab

    Ditch-deliver'd by a drrrab,—

    Make the grrruel thick and slab:

    Add thereto a tiger's chaudrrron,

    For the ingrediants of our crrrockpt.

       ALL. Double, double toil and trouble;

    Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

       Pearl:  Cool it with a baboon's blood,

    Then the charm is firm and--

Ruby:  wait, Pearl!

Pearl:  what's wrong?

Ruby:  burkie wanted to get rid of one of the characters, remember?  when we restore the Pub, we should make sure one of them doesn't return.

Esmerelda:  i vote we get rrrid of that darrrter!

Ruby:  but the black darter wasn't on the list.  it's either us, the ghost of christmas present, archibald knemesis, dash chandler, or carlotta 2.0.

Esmerelda:  that carrrlotta caused all this!  let's get rrrid of her!

Ruby:  that was probably a glitch in her programming.  we can't blame her for that.

Pearl:  well, i am not going to bring things back only to kill myself off.

Ruby:  how about the ghost?  christmas is over, so he's technically in the past now anyway.  besides, we provide enough of a supernatural element to the Pub without him.

Pearl:  agreed.

Esmerelda:  agrrreed.

[Ruby draws a quick sketch of the ghost of christmas present, adding a big X across his face, and tosses it into the crockpot, then nods to Pearl to finish.]

       Pearl:  Cool it with a baboon's blood,

     Then the charm is firm and good!

[Darkness engulfs the Pub for a long time.  several months, in fact.  finally, light begins to grow and voices and activityin progress soon become apparent.]

"that's what she said," benjamin franklin replied with a grin.

the entire Pub roared with laughter, raising their glasses in a toast.

"here's to 2013!"  burkie declared.

"cheers!"

"to 2013!"

as the Pub regulars clinked glasses and exchanged hugs and what-not, the witches sank back in their chairs, admiring their work.

"hey!"  the black darter was looking around in agitation.  "where did my nose go?!"

Esmerelda smiled as she raised her beer glass to her lips.