Slip-up Artist

gavin cardigan walked into Poor Yorick's Pub, hung his jacket on a peg, and sighed.

"long day?" danny blake asked him from behind the bar as he poured a Guinness.

cardigan nodded. "i had to drive out to sacramento to do some digging around in the state archives and just got back."

danny handed him a foamy pint. "this'll do you good, along with some wild mushroom & brie risotto."

"i believe you're right," cardigan agreed after licking a Guinness mustache off his lip.

as he approached his regular table in the back, sierra charles scooted her stool over to make room for him. "how you doing, cardigan?"

"i'm doing fine, now," he replied as he settled into his chair and took another sip. "what are you guys talking about?"

"starting a book club!" marian elfman exclaimed excitedly.

"a book club?" cardigan was dubious.

"yes! we'll pick out a book to read and then we can talk about it. it'll give burkie something to write about us." marian sounded quite pleased with herself. cardigan suspected that it was her idea.

"fictional characters reading fiction and then talking about it? i don't know about that. besides," cardigan noted, "burkie would actually read the book, not us. right?"

marian glared at him. "you're ruining the magic for the readers, gavin! they don't want to think about that part of it."

"what book were you thinking of reading?" danny asked as he placed a large, shallow bowl of risotto and a small plate of bread in front of cardigan.

Mysterious Lurker shuffled her tarot cards and said, "i vote for The Hanged Man, one of the tarot card mysteries by david skibbins."

"i suggest a jasper fforde book, Shades of Grey," sierra put in, reaching out to snag a slice of bread.

"i'm keen on Salem's Lot by stephen king," taylor offered, his fangs curving delicately over his bottom lip.

"how about Love Life for a Private Eye by a writer not named burkie?" cardigan grumbled.

"i can help you there, gavin," said a voice from behind them. Mysterious Lurker rolled her eyes as dat rhames (aka the black darter) walked up. "i've started moonlighting as a dating instruction coach."

"a DIC?" cardigan inquired, to snickers all around. "what, is the vigilante business down?"

dat ignored the chuckles. "criminals are operating in groups more and more, making it more difficult for me to work independently. i may need to get a sidekick or even form a super hero group like The Avengers or The Justic League. so, for now, i'm doing my part to help single men build their skills and confidence when dealing with the fairer sex."

"dat, you know it's illegal to shoot them with a dart," the Lurker pointed out. "that's not what is meant by knock them out or blow them over. you have to be charming."

"like burkie," sierra noted, then shook her head. "i did not say that, burkie!"

"listen, gavin," the darter told him, ignoring the comments, "it's all about neuro-linguistic programing. it's not what you say to a girl, but how you say it. watch." with that he approached marian, who looked alarmed.

"don't i know you?" he asked her, placing his hand on her elbow.

she pulled her arm away and shuddered. "of course you know me, dat. we both work at the paper."

"see, gavin? a lot of guys use a line like that, but it usually doesn't work because they forget to touch. the touch adds intimacy."

"and shuddering," taylor pointed out.

"without it," dat continued, ignoring marian's vampire boyfriend, "you only emphasize the distance between you."

"trust me, distance between you is what any girl is looking for," the Lurker stated.

in an incredible performance of ignorance, both in terms of being ignorant and of ignoring people--

"burkie, i don't think the word ignorance can be a noun for the act of ignoring people," sierra interrupted.

ignoring the Lurker, dat approached sierra, who reacted by scooting her stool backward until it met the wall. "see how she draws attention to herself when we make eye contact? it means she wants me to chase her," dat noted.

"no, it means i'm trying to escape," sierra retorted.

ignoring sierra, he turned toward the Lurker. "now, watch how i program the Lurker to respond in kind when i greet her with a winning smile and a flirtatious opening."

he cocked his head, grinned at the Lurker, and said "i love the way you tease your hair. would you like to tease mine?"

to everyone's astonishment, the Lurker gave him a cheshire cat grin and replied, "i thought you'd never ask, dat."

the Pub filled with laughter as the darter's hair turned neon pink in color. he looked around at everyone then spied himself in the mirror behind the bar. his face turned just as pink as his hair and he stormed out the door.

there were high fives all around. "now that's what i call neuro-linguistic programing!"