Great Exhumations

"i smell a life-changing meal in my future, danny boy!" gavin cardigan said as he entered Poor Yorick's Pub.

"i don't know anybody who needs it more," danny grinned as he poured an ale. "chipotle chicken tacos will appear on your table shortly."

cardigan grunted his thanks and walked back to join his friends. "what's going on?"

"we're wondering about the ghost," sierra charles told him. "you know, what's his story."

"what ghost?"

"that ghost," marian elfman pointed over his shoulder. "sitting at the end of the bar over there."

cardigan turned around and saw the wispy image of a tall, well-built man with a lion's mane of hair and a full beard to go along with a full tankard of ale.

"did you ask the witches?" he indicated the three crones at the other table.

"not our ghost," pearl, the white-haired harridan, stated.

"we're not that kind of witches," ruby added.

"what kind of witches are you, then?" danny asked as he delivered cardigan's tacos.

"the sexy kind," esmerelda winked at him.

the ghost suddenly guffawed. "ho, ho, ho! ho, ho, ho!"

cardigan and the others exchanged glances. after determining that they didn't fit anybody else, they returned the glances to their original owners.

"you can talk?" cardigan asked the ghost in surprise.

"of course i can talk!" the ghost boomed out. "come, come and know me better, man!"

taylor's eyebrows arched and he raised his hand, attempting to snap his fingers. "damn!"

"what is it, taylor?" marian eyed him quizzically.

his fingers elicited a few more phwff sounds until finally they made a legitimate snap sound. "got it!" he exclaimed triumphantly, knocking a beer glass over.

marian made a face. "got what, taylor?"

"i know that line," he said to the spectre. "you're the ghost of christmas present!"

"ho, ho, ho, right you are, young man! right you are!"

"but, it's october," the orange-tressed Mysterious Lurker pointed out. "it's not time for you, yet. we should have a scary ghost for halloween, like lizzy borden or the olsen twins."

"we spirits of christmas do not live for only one day of the year! nay, we live the entire 365¼!"

cardigan groaned. "a vampire, a dead founding father, witches, and now a ghost who speaks in fractions. i think burkie is getting a little carried away."

"i think he's cute," linda nulo commented. "you know, for a ghost."

"he's definitely got some definition," sierra agreed.

"ho, ho, ho!" the ghost ho'd. "i owe it all to Bowflex®!"

"ghosts work out?"

"we spirits of christmas don't work out only during life but throughout eternity!"

cardigan rolled his eyes as he chased down a bite of his taco with a swig of his ale. "tucker, why don't you sing us a song and restore a little normalcy here?"

tucker strummed a guitar chord and grinned. "you got it, hoss!"

my baby casts a fetching figure
she's got a face i can't remember
she don't cook but she's a winner
she's got a little spirit in 'er

she's the ghostess with the mostest
she's the best from coast to coastest
so raise your glass and make a toastest
to my ghostess with the mostest

"ho, ho, ho!"

"woo-hoo!"

cardigan signaled danny for another ale. "when will i learn..."